• Welcome to BellGab.com Archive.
 

Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM

Yorkshire pud

Disgusting joke warning....


An elderly couple go to bed and the bloke's wife is feeling frisky..

"I'd love it if you did what you used ot do and go down on me sweetheart" she whispers to her husband.

So he shuffles down the bed, and spreads her legs to get down...

"Jeeeeeeeze....it stinks!!! I'm, not licking that..Fucking hell" He gasps.

"I'm sorry love, it's arthritis" She says

"Crap! You can't have arthritis in your twat"

"It isn't in my twat; It's in my arm, I can't reach round to wipe my arse"

pyewacket

Saw this a long time ago- not sure where it came from. My apologies to any "Franks" on our forum.  :)

The Chili Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:


"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."


Here are the scorecards from the event:


* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili


JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.


* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."


* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.


* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.


* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.


* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili


JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. FRANK: Momma??!!


pyewacket

Two old guys are golfing. One of them slices his ball into the woods and they head off to find it. When they find the ball, there is a frog sitting right next to it.

The frog looks up at the owner of the ball and says, "If you'll give me a kiss, I will turn into a beautiful young woman and I will provide you with great sex for the rest of your life."

The fellow picks up the frog, puts it in his satchel and zips it shut.

"Why'd you do that?" the other fellow asks.

And the guy responds: "At my age, I'd way rather have a talking frog."

pyewacket

I doubt these are actual Employee Evaluation Quotes, but they're fun and probably true in some cases.


1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap


2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.


3. I would not allow this employee to breed.


4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.


5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.


7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.


8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.


9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.


11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.


13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.


14. A room temperature IQ.


15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.


16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.


17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.


18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.


19. Bright as Alaska in December.


20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.


21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.


22. Fell out of the family tree.


23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.


24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.


25. He is so dense, light bends around him.


26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.


27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.


29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.


30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.


31. One neuron short of a synapse.


32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.


33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.


34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.


35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?  He sold his soul to Santa.

wr250

Quote from: pyewacket on April 07, 2014, 01:09:54 AM
I doubt these are actual Employee Evaluation Quotes, but they're fun and probably true in some cases.


1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap


2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.


3. I would not allow this employee to breed.


4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.


5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.


7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.


8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.


9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.


11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.


13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.


14. A room temperature IQ.


15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.


16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.


17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.


18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.


19. Bright as Alaska in December.


20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.


21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.


22. Fell out of the family tree.


23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.


24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.


25. He is so dense, light bends around him.


26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.


27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.


29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.


30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.


31. One neuron short of a synapse.


32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.


33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.


34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.


35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

pretty accurate description of george noory

maureen

A masochist pleads "Beat me! Beat me!" and the sadist replies "No."


zeebo

A man is incomplete until he gets married.  After that, he's finished.

(old Zsa Zsa Gabor line)

paladin1991

Quote from: pyewacket on April 07, 2014, 01:09:54 AM
I doubt these are actual Employee Evaluation Quotes, but they're fun and probably true in some cases.

*snip*



Awesome!  At our company, we get to evaluate our supervisors.  Gonna use a couple of these for two choice asshats.  Thanks Pye, your a pal.

This is a real test paper, not a joke, but I couldn't figure out where else to post it.  Gotta give the kid credit for creative thinking!

[attachimg=1]

zeebo

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

onan

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis- I mean light-bulb!

pyewacket

Quote from: paladin1991 on April 26, 2014, 12:10:06 AM
Awesome!  At our company, we get to evaluate our supervisors.  Gonna use a couple of these for two choice asshats.  Thanks Pye, your a pal.

Happy to be of service! :) Are these anonymous evaluations?

Stellar

How many empty one liners exist at BellGab?




Serious writers exiting the door

paladin1991

Quote from: pyewacket on April 28, 2014, 12:23:31 AM
Happy to be of service! :) Are these anonymous evaluations?
Yeah, they say they are.  They are generated by a 3rd party via computer.  The employee has to enter his ID number in to get a randomly generated eval.  Or, it comes as a paper eval with a 'unique' randomly generated ID number that is in an envelope and handed to you by mgmt.

So, no, I don't believe that they are truly anonymous.

pyewacket

Quote from: paladin1991 on April 28, 2014, 12:45:04 AM
Yeah, they say they are.  They are generated by a 3rd party via computer.  The employee has to enter his ID number in to get a randomly generated eval.  Or, it comes as a paper eval with a 'unique' randomly generated ID number that is in an envelope and handed to you by mgmt.

So, no, I don't believe that they are truly anonymous.

I'll bet these managers lack the sense of humor needed to enjoy those little gems. LOL It's frustrating- No one seems to want to hear the truth- that's what's got everything so screwed up.  Just look at our buddy George - can one truly say he's the best choice and does a great job? If you don't- you'll be "let go" to pursue a different path.    :-X

I guess you can tell by the mood after the managers read their reviews. I hope it all goes well for you.  :)

pyewacket

Quote from: paladin1991 on April 26, 2014, 12:10:06 AM
Awesome!  At our company, we get to evaluate our supervisors.  Gonna use a couple of these for two choice asshats.  Thanks Pye, your a pal.

Hey, paladin- I just wanted to thank you for the fun writing exercise you and I had with that Cadillac post. I enjoy word play and found your character great fun- big ego- short temper and my character being just the right passive aggressive jerk to keep egging him on! LOL Splendid fun, my good sir!   ;D

paladin1991

Oh yes, great fun.  We should do it again.  Too bad some the bad characters aren't here for me to poke with a sharp verbal stick. 

pyewacket

Quote from: paladin1991 on April 28, 2014, 05:58:02 PM
Oh yes, great fun.  We should do it again.  Too bad some the bad characters aren't here for me to poke with a sharp verbal stick.

I'd be happy to verbally spar with you any time! It's not everyday you get to use the word "codswallop" in a reply!  ;D

maureen

...and thank you both for the delightful display of verbal gymnastics- quick wit and rapid repartee of the highest order

pyewacket

Quote from: maureen on April 28, 2014, 08:16:02 PM
...and thank you both for the delightful display of verbal gymnastics- quick wit and rapid repartee of the highest order

Aww- you're sweet!!!  :D

paladin1991

Quote from: pyewacket on April 28, 2014, 07:29:42 PM
I'd be happy to verbally spar with you any time! It's not everyday you get to use the word "codswallop" in a reply!  ;D
i like to use the word codpiece in response to codswallop.

paladin1991

Hey!  I saw her first.  Maureen buy me a drink and I will tell you about the time I was the lap dance instructor for the Swedish Bikini Team.  It was Beirut, summer of '68 and I was attached to the Swedish Embassy under the title of pubic relations.

maureen

 ;D tequila is on hand... and smokes too! Salud! lap dancing was before twerking?

maureen

... and Blind Captain Cat, as he passes the fish-monger's shop, calls out, "G'bye, girls!!"

pyewacket

Quote from: paladin1991 on April 28, 2014, 08:45:12 PM
i like to use the word codpiece in response to codswallop.

Have you thrown down the gauntlet, Old Bean? Be warned- I won't coddle you!  ;D

zeebo

Quote from: pyewacket on April 28, 2014, 09:39:46 PM
Have you thrown down the gauntlet, Old Bean? Be warned- I won't coddle you!  ;D

Any puns will be returned to you, C.O.D.

pyewacket

Quote from: zeebo on April 28, 2014, 11:25:49 PM
Any puns will be returned to you, C.O.D.

As long as you codify them first!  ;)

maureen

Quote from: pyewacket on April 29, 2014, 01:05:07 AM
As long as you codify them first!  ;)
careful with the legal codicil net!!

Powered by SMFPacks Menu Editor Mod