Any Good Jokes?

[eyenoeyeno]

Q: What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?
A: Someone who lost their veg-inity!

I'm referring to Aldous and the bacon he ate this morning with his house guest. 
I guess Aldous decided being a vegitarian was a missed-steak.

[aldousburbank]

Q: What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?
A: Someone who lost their veg-inity!

I'm referring to Aldous and the bacon he ate this morning with his house guest. 
I guess Aldous decided being a vegitarian was a missed-steak.

She said she'd still respect me in the morning. 

[pyewacket]

[Treading Water]

You are correct, oh, wise and knowing pyewacket.

[pyewacket]

You are correct, oh, wise and knowing pyewacket.

It's all in the presentation. 

[b_dubb]

Heart belly laugh here. Thanks.

[Daggit]

There has to be a porn parody out there called 50 Shades of Gay.

[pyewacket]

Heart belly laugh here. Thanks.

Happy to share a good laugh with you, too, b_dubb!    I haven't read the book and have zero interest in seeing the film. I'm more of a Jane Austin and Charlotte Bronte fan.

[Robert Ghostwolf's Ghost]

  That's wonderful!

[pyewacket]

People are jerks!!!! 

http://22-jerks.diply.com/trendyjoe/people-being-jerks/98466?ts_pid=2

[pyewacket]

Future Bellgabbers. 

http://www.dose.com/lists/17171/25-Pics-Proving-Kids-Are-Almost-Too-Weird-To-Function?utm_source=FBTraffic&utm_medium=fijifrost&utm_campaign=CMfacebook&ts_pid=2

[zeebo]

Bob: "Hi Ted, so how'd you get home last nite?"

Ted: "Ah, I just walked home, and saved five bucks by not taking the subway."

Bob: "Well you could have saved twenty bucks by not taking a taxi!"

[pyewacket]

 Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old. The first one said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady says, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one says, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood." As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, "That must be the door... I'll get it!"

[Camazotz Automat]

A new movie came out Friday, by the same director who directed District 9.  It's called CHAPPiE.  It's about a robot that can think like a human. The movie's original title was Hillary Clinton.

[pyewacket]

[Camazotz Automat]

There's a woman who has paid TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for work done to have her look like Pamela Anderson. That woman's name is Pamela Anderson.

[Camazotz Automat]

Funny you should post that. One of the names I came up with for Art's show was Light Travel. It relates to physics (speed of light) and the paranormal (go to the light).

You're listening to Light Travel, with Art Bell.

Admittedly, it is not as good as "Midnight in the Desert," but in its own way, it does make the rooster dance under the moon.

[Eddie Coyle]

   Elton John is a terrific piano player.

   But he sucks on the organ.

[Yorkshire pud]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her â€" Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam â€" if you farted just looking at it â€" you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

[pyewacket]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

[pyewacket]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[Eddie Coyle]

  The Chinese couple in bed and the wife asking "why do you want beef and broccoli now?" always makes me laugh.

[ChadManDo]

So a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. He sits down and orders a shot for him and the giraffe. The bartender reluctantly piyrs a shot for the man and his giraffe. This continues for a couple of hours. Guy takes a shot,giraffe takes a shot. Finally the man steps up to go hone, the giraffe steps up and falls over. The man continues to walk out. The bartender shouts "hey YOU CANT LEAVE THAT LYING HERE!!" The guy takes a look and says"you idiot that's not a liob....that's a giraffe

[mulder]

  thanks, I needed a Smile, keep up  the good work

[maureen]

The sky was a veritable class on cloud formations. I was naming them- cirrus, stratus, nimbus, cumulus, cirrus-stratus, nimbus-stratus, etc. My husband points behind me at a huge black thundercloud and names it cumulus brutus!!

[basswood]

Isaac Asimov, when telling jokes that might contain any ethnic slurs, would set them in Ruritania:

Why do Ruritanian dogs have flat faces?
From chasing parked cars.

[AvDaBr]

A gimpy dog rode into town on horseback.  After struggling off the horse and tying it to the hitching post, he hobbled to the entrance of the local saloon.  Upon entering the establishment he loudly declared "Alright fellas, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

[SredniVashtar]

Two elderly ladies are smoking and chatting at a bus stop when it starts to rain. One of them reaches into her handbag and brings out a condom which she proceeds to unwrap, snips off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other lady looks surprised and asks where you get them from, and she is told that you can get them from any drug store. The next day she goes in and asks the pimply youth behind the counter whether he has any condoms. He's rather surprised, if not shocked, that a women well into her eighties is asking for prophylactics and, somewhat embarrassed, asks what size she would like.

'Oh, I don't mind, dear', she says, 'as long as it'll fit a camel'.

[ge30542]

A Priest and a Rabbi are standing on a corner

A 12yo boy walks by

The Priest says "lets fuck that boy"

The Rabbi says "out of what?"

[pyewacket]