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Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM


this sunday on coast is jorch and his "new music sunday" , aka super suck sunday. the joke is on us.


Quote from: zeebo on May 03, 2014, 06:47:22 PM
Yes it was swell, but I'll wave goodbye to the previous eddies and currents of the thread, and swim march on.  Here's one:

Q. How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Why do you want to know?

Lightbulb jokes are good fun- how about some Chuck Nooris?

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.


Handicapped Parking is reserved for Chuck Norris. The picture shows what will happen to you if you take his spot.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris doesn't sleep.  He waits.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris does not climb Mt. Everest.  Mt. Everest submits to Chuck Norris' will to achieve higher altitude.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Chuck Norris eats flour and shits cupcakes.


The boogie man may check the closet for Chuck Norris; but Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Clint Eastwood.


Chuck Norris avenged John Wayne's death from cancer.


Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."


Here is my joke for the day,  George Noory is the best talk show host known to man kind. ;D


My girlfriend just became a vegetarian.  It's like I've never seen herbivore.


A gentleman stopped by the florist's to buy some flowers for his girlfriend. 

Man:  "I want something that tells her I really care about her."

Florist:  "Well you can say that with a dozen roses, sir."

Man:  "Hmmm .. Let's make it a half-dozen, I'm a man of few words."


In Alabama, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"For Sale - Talking Dog"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"


A Texan meets a Harvard graduate and says "So where are you from?". The Harvard graduate replies "I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences in prepositions". So the Texan says, "Ok. So where are you from, jackass?"


His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper
Photographer quickly used his mobile phone to
Call the airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane
Would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
Warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
And shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
Into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed
The pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
Low passes so I can take pictures
Of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
He responded,' and I need to get
Some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
Is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'


"So what's in the bag?"

"A bottle of wine - I got it for my husband."

"Good trade!"


Customer:  "The service here is awful."

Waiter: "How would you know?  You haven't had any yet."


How do you make a hormone ?

Don't pay her ....


A snail was run over by a turtle.  When asked to describe the incident he said "I don't know, it all happened so fast."


A cannibal didn't like the look of the new missionary ...... so he just stuck with his vegetables.

George Drooly

"George Noory walks into a bar..."

That's the set-up and the punchline.


Quote from: George Drooly on May 13, 2014, 02:25:53 PM
"George Noory walks into a bar..."

That's the set-up and the punchline.

and orders pizza roles and a turkee sammich

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