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Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM

A gay guy walks into a bar and sees Falkie drinking by himself. He sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation.

After a few minutes the gay guy leans over and whispers, "Would you like me to give you a blowjob?"

Falkie climbs off the barstool, grabs the guy by the belt and collar, and hustles him out of the bar, throwing him into the street.

As he walks back to his stool, the bartender says, "Hey Falkie, I've never seen you that upset before.  What did that guy say to you?"

As Falkie settles back down to his drink he says "I don't know, something about me giving a job"


maureen

an old radio blooper in a live commercial for bread: "Insist on the breast in bed!"

VtaGeezer

Two nuns in Dublin riding bicycles back to the convent:
Sister Rose: "Sister Felicity, I've never come this way before"
Sister Felicity: "Yes, Sister, it's the cobbles."

Zoo

American Politicians!!1

Who

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Daggit

Quote from: Zoo on January 28, 2015, 04:38:48 PM
American Politicians!!1

A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar .... or so the government would have us believe.

Quote from: Daggit on January 28, 2015, 04:48:29 PM
A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar ....

An atheist, a vegan, and someone who thinks Obama is a socialist walk into a bar.  And everyone inside knew it within two minutes.






Daggit

Did you hear the one about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second.


zeebo

A family checks into a fleabag motel, and the father, glancing back at his kids, tells the front desk clerk "I sure hope the porn is disabled."  To which the clerk says "No, it's just regular porn you sick bastard."



Heather Wade

Quote from: zeebo on January 29, 2015, 01:22:59 AM
A family checks into a fleabag motel, and the father, glancing back at his kids, tells the front desk clerk "I sure hope the porn is disabled."  To which the clerk says "No, it's just regular porn you sick bastard."


BWAAAHAAA HAAAAAA HAAAA!!  *fall out of chair*   ;D   

zeebo

I weighed something so light it didn't register on my milligram scale, and I was like "0mg".

b_dubb

A couple in their 90's go to the divorce attorney.  They tell the attorney they want a divorce.  The attorney - in a state of shock - sas "you've been married almost seventy years? Why do you want a divorce now?".

The old lady says "We wanted to wait till the kids were dead".


VtaGeezer

A sergeant from a Scottish regiment walks into the chemist (pharmacy) in Edinburgh, pulls a used condom from his sporran and puts it on the counter...
"Diyee see, lad?  It has a wee hole in the tip"
"Aye, sergeant...a new one will cost ye two shillings"
"Seems dear. How much to fix it?"
"Well..I don't know..a shilling I suppose"
"R-r-r-r-ight" says the sergeant, picks up the rubber, smartly turns and walks out leaving the puzzled chemist.
Three days later the sergeant returns, lays the torn condom on the counter in front of the chemist and says
"The regiment has voted to have it repaired."

Adolph:  My dog has no nose.

Party Faithful:  How does he smell?

Adolph:  Awful!




pyewacket

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father
"Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million Dollars."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million Dollars."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million Dollars."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million Dollars.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof !"

Kelt

I heard this from a friend, so don't shoot the messenger.



Scientists have discovered the reason behind why some people are pedophiles.























Sexy kids.





Quote from: Kelt on February 10, 2015, 06:28:22 PM
I heard this from a friend, so don't shoot the messenger.



Scientists have discovered the reason behind why some people are pedophiles.























Sexy kids.

That was Jimmy Savile's excuse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGuSqSSmyy0

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