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Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM


If you're very PC - skip this one:

The teacher of the "English as a second language" class told her new student to make sentences with his spelling words:

1.*cheese*Maria likes me,but cheese fat.

2*mushroom*Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom

3*shoulder*My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder

4*texas*My friend always texas me fwds

5*herpes*Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes

6*july*Ju told me ju were goin to the store,and july to me!!julyer!!

7*rectum*I had two cars but my wife rectum

8*chicken*I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself

9*wheelchair*We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair

10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing

11*liver*A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone

12*body wash*I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids

13*budweiser* That woman over there has a nice body, budwieser her face so ugly?


The Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."


bilingual giggle: very clever quips from MENSA, but mensa here in Mexico is a female simpleton!! ;D ;)


You hear about the carpooling blondes?  They all met at work...


Quote from: maureen on March 11, 2014, 11:30:07 AM
bilingual giggle: very clever quips from MENSA, but mensa here in Mexico is a female simpleton!! ;D ;)

We had some fun when people from other cultures married into the family - words do cause confusion and amusement.  :)   


The Slacker

The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day.

The Chairman takes him on a tour of the facilities, and the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business.

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now get out and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

Finally one of the workers raises his hand.

"Yeah?" the CEO demands.

"Pizza delivery man, sir."


the bellgab politics forums:



Spiritual Story by Anthony de Mello

A visitor to an insane asylum found one of the inmates rocking back and forth in a chair cooing repeatedly in a soft, contented manner, "Lulu, Lulu..."

"What's this man's problem?" he asked the doctor.

"Lulu. She was a woman who jilted him," was the doctor's reply.

As they proceeded on the tour, they came to a padded cell whose occupant was banging his head repeatedly against the wall and moaning, "Lulu... LULU....."

"Is Lulu this man's problem too?" asked the visitor.

"Yes," said the doctor. "He's the one Lulu finally married."


horse walks into a bar

bartender says "hey, why the long face"

just a thought..


Hear about the guy who accidentally cloned his own body?

He was beside himself.


Confucious say man who goes into airport with erection is going to Bangkok.


What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?... Dam

What side of a cheetah has the most spots?... the outside


Hear about the diminutive psychic who escaped from prison?

She was a small medium at large.


Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

Does it come in a tasteful scarf?


I never hit a woman unless she falls down the stairs.


There was a blond who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept bugging the blond wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Eventually the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He said every time the blond could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blond accepted as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blond handed him $5. Then the blond asked her first question: ”What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled. He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blond $50.00

The blond put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blond handed him $5.

eddie dean

confucious say man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Confucious say man who farts in church sits in pew


Quick ... What's something a man has that a woman does not?

.... that's right, a Y chromosome.


Funny site to check out- this guy was asking for advice on how to remove "Red Eye" in his photo and got more than he was hoping for:



Did you hear about the Polish jet that crashed in a graveyard?

Authorities recovered 600 bodies.


Confucius say he who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger.

Quote from: eddie dean on March 18, 2014, 11:27:15 AM
confucious say man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Confucious say man who farts in church sits in pew

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