Author 5 Minutes With Jackstar  (Read 1340 times)

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5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #120 on: June 22, 2020, 10:48:12 AM »
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Loathsome, isn't it? I'm nauseated.

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #122 on: June 23, 2020, 09:47:15 AM »
PLOT TWIST: I'm Uncle Redpill. Remus. Whatevah.

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #123 on: June 26, 2020, 09:50:12 PM »

Many Bothans died to bring you this promo.

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #124 on: June 27, 2020, 04:12:12 AM »
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5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #125 on: June 27, 2020, 05:27:00 PM »
« Reply #124 on: Today at 02:12:12 »

Coded message rcv'd & ack'd. Yes, we can name him... "Hudson." Adorable, right? I see him more often than you do, and my experience has duplicated yours. oxoxox

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #127 on: July 02, 2020, 02:16:10 PM »
Well out, shopping today----I ran across the first person I met, ever, in person, who actually claimed to know somebody who died of COVID.

Naturally, I really wanted to interview her for a full 5 minutes--company policy--but I can't really do that, because, Number One: I don't do that.

Number Two: there's a there's a limit to how rude I can be, actually. I mean, like a hard, physical limit--people will spontaneously form a posse and lynch me if I cross certain social thresholds without certain... precautions.

At least I assume so. Anybody wanna find out? I'll just be over here constantly rereading my copies of The Books Of Swords by Fred Saberhagen and sitting in the lotus position and chanting maniacally in a dimly lit room.

In Minecraft. Meanwhile I don't think that woman was telling the truth about her dead brother at all. She couldn't even remember what drug they gave him before they killed him on the ventilator!

Maybe sisters really are this forgetful. Anyway, whatever. No show today. No show tomorrow. No show EVER. BECAUSE NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT, THAT'S WHY.

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #128 on: July 02, 2020, 10:37:17 PM »
Well out, shopping today----I ran across the first person I met, ever, in person, who actually claimed to know somebody who died of COVID.

So, you bought him a cookie?

Minutiae with Jackrabbit
« Reply #129 on: July 06, 2020, 08:19:29 AM »
Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:21]
Perhaps I did not make myself clear here. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I suppose it's time for (redacted) now. Well, won't that be delightful for everyone!

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:26]
Your birthday gift is awkward to describe and more awkwarder still to put into any position to be delivered, nevertheless, it's intriguing enough that I don't have to say any more about it for you to have enough information to legitimately choose to be deliriously pleased about it. Feel free to imagine anything that sounds like your heart's desire, and assume it's that.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:27]
Oh, I beg your pardon, I'm told by my D'Jinn contacts (oh, I'm a sorceror now, don't get too excited) that I'm authorized to tell you that you just straight up get a wish. I'm told that there's no tricks to this. Then again, this is a D'Jinn contact I'm speaking of, so I would assume, yes, it's a trick. Not from me though. I'm not all that fond of deceptive tricks.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:29]
Healing tricks, on the other hand—well, apparently they're my special ability now. Or something. Look, what's happening isn't entirely clear, but the headline here is—wish for something, and make it GOOD. I'm told if it is too much energy to produce (D'Jinn seem more concerned about energy usage than Rick Perry), they'll substitute something lower down on your heart's list.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:34]
Once again, no tricks. Bad news is, I am clearly an insane person at this point. Still, it's worth it, as while I don't think I am insane, I do think that I am, in fact, a sorceror now. I'm not sure what difference this is from a 'sorcerer,' but once again, my D'Jinn contact has fed me an answer: I'm the one that's spelled correctly. Cute. Also, my D'Jinn contact has asked me if I may allow s/he/it to be referred to by the name of (redacted), to which I have instantly responded "fuck you," and now I can hear feverish negotiating between who the fuck knows what and who in the background of my neurosphere.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:35]
Sadly, I'm not on drugs for this, and so can't simply give you any of what would clearly be phenomenal acid, if that was where this came from. But no, alas—this shit is for real. Or at least, I believe so. No tricks. Happy Birthday.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:36]
I'd be more excited but I'm concerned by this "no tricks" thing. That'd be the first time I've heard of these trickster fuckers playing fair. However, I am assured, that the D'Jinn are quite impressed with me, and do not wish to damage our nascent bond of friendship and trust.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:38]
Yeah, I'm not buying it either. However, once again, from me—no tricks. I mean, I could be insane, yeah, sure. But I'm not lying about being on drugs, I am relatively sober now, and I haven't done shitloads lately, and—I do believe it. Sorecory? No, that's not how its spelled either. I have been informed by a more reliable contact (the D'Jinn are a recent arrival, I've actually been studying at Invisible College for at least two decades now—I sent you messages about it, but of course, they were invisible) that I'm simply not allowed to tell anyone the way Sorcery is spelled. Curious, really.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:40]
Anyway the upshot here is, if I am insane, at least I am still fucking polite. I feel like this bodes well for me regardless of the truth of things. So I do hope you have a great day! If you're actually not reading my messages anymore, well, I'm told that you get to keep this wish for as long as you like, and use it whenever. I am also told that you may well use this wish without reading this message, and then end up reading this message long after any wish has been granted.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:41]
My advice: wish for more wishes. This should start a dialogue. This "(Redacted)" character is pretty cheeky, seems to wish to meet you, and assures me that s/he/it's friendly and not at all like every other member of his/her/its class of beings. No, no—this one, we can trust.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:42]
I guess it might be true. I did broker a peace deal between two unnamed Earth state actors and the D'Jinn's diplomatic envoy—hey, I might be insane, but at least I went big—which apparently has gone over quite tremendously in certain circles. Oops, I guess I wasn't supposed to be talking about that to you? Well, fuck that, I wasn't informed. You weren't supposed to not inform me, D'Jinn. Oh, what's that? You didn't think I was stupid enough to not figure out what not to talk about? Hah. Guess again, Bottle Bitch/Bastard/Lawyer, it is stupefyingly clear to all that I am clearly, tremendously stupid. And yet,  I still mastered your bullshit, as you/ewe'll so freshly recall. Served.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:44]
Hey, back to you, Birthday Princess. Might wanna use that wish to get me out of a barrel. We'll see. Meanwhile, I hope you are being cool. Nice short story, right? Yeah, I'm just making this up. Go back to sleep. Or, you know, whatever.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:49]
I made one typo. That's really uncharacteristic of me. The factions with the D'Jinn heirarchy (think Knot's Landing, except peopled with characters from Hellraiser I & II) that still harbor extreme loathing towards humanity (hard to blame them, really) are presently, I'm told, enraged that I was able to decrypt and defuse that pesky trick that was snuck in here, because of course, there was one.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:50]
"Sning" (change this name immediately, would you? It's really distracting) assures me that this is why there's no tricks—because the D'Jinn social structure has recently changed, what with the recent Time War and all that. Yeah, don't ask. It's a rabbit hole that leads to outright madness. Also it's not a Time War. Also it's not madness. But you know, whatever.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:52]
Obvious insanity is obvious. Go to sleep, FBI. What can I say? I've read a lot of books. (redacted)—und keine tricks. All rights reserved: I got a book here that I can make drool money.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:56]
P.S. Don't bother wishing that I will love you again, as obviously, I never stopped. You retard. Wish for something else, something at least five times better, and if any D'Jinn give you any trouble, ever, give them my name: (Redacted). Classy, no? Also, if you just wish for money, I get half plus five percent. Company policy. cya

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:59]
P.P.S. I'm told that I'm to now uninstall this client ((redacted) still relentlessly rifles through all my messages, at will, behind my back, or before my front, and probably has her own D'Jinn gang masquerading as her ancestors) and simply not ever use it to contact you again. Fine by me! There's literally no one else on here that I talk to with it, but you. I'd really suggest that you use email. Like, ever. No, I mean, again. Whatever. Take your time, no really. I'm gonna need a thorazine drip, looks like. Or, A FLYING CARPET. Apparently I need to actually take a flying test first. Oh, bother. I'm getting too old for this shit. Peace.

The First Rule of "Novel-Writing" is don't write a novel!?

5 Minutes With Jackstar
« Reply #130 on: July 06, 2020, 08:19:58 PM »
So, you bought him a cookie?

It was this ol' battleaxe at Costco. I was cruising past the checkouts to get to the pisser, and she goes, "Sir! Where's your mask!" And I'm all, "it's around my neck; do you really think it makes any difference?"

And then she goes--get this--"yes it does, my brother died from COVID." And let me tell you what, Brother, from that point, it was on. I even went back for seconds!!

Never have I yearned so much for the fallen promise of Google Glass. Next runner-up: when the candystriper insisted that I pull my mask up to cover my nostrils. I didn't engage that time, though--at the time, I was surrounded by battleaxes. Battleaxen? Whatevah.