Topic: 5 Minutes With Jackstar

[Dr. MD MD]

Now, see? THAT'S how it is DONE. And I'm spent. Good luck on the spider boss, its designed to crush your spirits so I can hoover their components up more readily through whatever neurospheric tunnels are used for that kind of thing--hey, fuck you, you try to describe something for which there are no words in a common lexicon for. I think I'm doing pretty well! Although I do agree, putting in a spider as a boss is very challenging. Oh, oh--did I mention? You're all taking a ride whether you like it or not. And here, because I adore you all, I'll drop the secret strat: just don't be afraid of it.

You know who is afraid of spiders? Cowards, that's who. GL all, bbl, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Dread pirate Jackstar! Shiver me timbers!! ☠️ 

[FearBoysWithBugs]

Your laughter pleases the wizard.

[Flyingmerkitty]

Quotes by Jackstar:

"The fruit of our problems contain the seeds of our growth." 12/1/17

"I can't leave you alone with these children." 2/20/20

"I'll tell you what I think about blasphemy! I will cum in it's face!" 5/22/2020

I'm sharing these gems with you because as the Keeper of the Jackstar Legacy... I have to do something once in awhile, even if I have no idea what that something is... Truth is this Wizard is the REAL DEAL YO!

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[Dr. MD MD]

Quotes by Jackstar:

"The fruit of our problems contain the seeds of our growth." 12/1/17

"I can't leave you alone with these children." 2/20/20

"I'll tell you what I think about blasphemy! I will cum in it's face!" 5/22/2020

I'm sharing these gems with you because as the Keeper of the Jackstar Legacy... I have to do something once in awhile, even if I have no idea what that something is... Truth is this Wizard is the REAL DEAL YO!

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I’ll allow it.

[Jackrabbit]

In case any of y'all wondered how Jackstar typically observes 420. Note this wasn't a planned observation, I noticed later, the timestamps align such that I just so happened to cease recording at 3 seconds to "smoke time." An entire "accident." (No, really. Clergy's honor. This represents a substantial upgrade over Scout's Honor, trust me.) Some of you know what this means.

The rest of you, it's probably just a coincidence or something. As I certainly did not intend this, I wished to make that obvious to us all, as some of y'all appear to be confusing the dish with the disguise. Peasants, one and all. How did they even find this place? Well, we better upgrade all them to... Field Agents. Whatever that means. Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep.

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(note: I commit to stripping profanity out on these as appropriate--however, this is strict alpha code--and this time, it is wholly appropriate to submit this for perusal uncensored. BECAUSE REASONS, THAT'S WHY, FUCKO.

Code: [Select]

When I say is this oh my god, okay mm-hmm clergy this is way fair together we are clergy and wafer and really annoying certain people okay, so just now I said to somebody push the button and push the button and and here's how I went I said push the button push the button, oh god push the button except to send it even better than that okay is that as I said yeah accurate that's pretty accurate but who can think around here with that sex alarm going off seriously like I didn't I I can't read I can't think.

And this sex alarm has been going off for like oh 10 minutes now 20 settled down for okay, so I I say push the button for the love of God and here's what she does, she grabs the phone and then pushes the button and in that instant, oh yeah, how do you feel enough with her?

Small no she feels small well she is pretty small actually but but she's just right size for me, oh my god this is a very short five minutes with Jack star because some of you are also not pushing the button you feel me, okay fucking you know, just suggestion but push that fucking button oh okay no, they made me push the button fucking idiots that there are some people who are meddling with forces, they do not understand.

That no no you understand this is all being recorded all being recorded forevermore forever. One minute 34 now. I'm not I'm not talking more shit for 30 no no do anything. I mean, I'm done my work here is done. I love my job. I just pushed the button and just saved five million lives.

She's looking at me so she wants to scale me, all right? Button again wow, oh oh wow, somebody really wants to stay now we're two minutes now you're two minutes with me. Some Dharma my love no one doesn't experience one star one does one song hi this is clergy she's wayfarer, oh boy good try bye question for the audience when am I allowed to say bitch lasagna it might be trademarked?

I don't know you you should talk to him and see if he'll interview you or whatever mr puta pies or god, no you never bitch lasagna, you can't say his name, oh shit every time okay every time that guy's name gets it out loud a kite gets his wings clipped, oh so alright.

Wait, okay, we don't want to do anything. I do okay but you're whatever highway okay, all right, what did I say yeah, yeah. I forgot was gonna say, oh it's so important oh yeah we decided to decline to share location forever by.

Partner insists this 5 Minutes is living the dream. I honestly can neither confirm or deny--I'm biased. In truth, I really do not care for the sound of my own voice, which will come as a surprise to about 95% of you, and the same goes with this. I kinda threw up in my mouth a little, quite honestly, which will come as a non-faded nostalgic memory to about 95% of you, all things considered. In any event, the Partner loved it, and I guess it does give me a huge erection come together at the end.

I’ll allow it.

You had your chance to allow things with me, and that was it.

[Jackrabbit]

 [ Invalid Attachment ]

Adorable. Meanwhile, TJO: "My boobs are getting huge." Then, I turned down Overture, because I thought "wait, wait, wait, did I just hear her say that?" And I'm all, "... w-w-what?"

And then she repeats what she had said, and yeppers, that's what I heard. So, there you go, confirmed: she's pregnant. Think I didn't see this coming? Think again. All too easy.



 [ Attachment has not been uploaded yet because reasons ]

Code: [Select]

Trust the plan that you never asked for, or Hostage Bunny gets a field upgrade. YOU HAVE FIVE DAYS TO COMPLY.

I am not going to lie. I love this job. I'm concerned about the 300 year prison sentence I'm lined up for, however--that's a long time to go without ever dropping the soap. Still, superior to an Ivanka presidency. Anyway, back in reality, someone I don't even know is in negotiations on which day of the week this is supposed to be published on. Turns out, I actually agreed--sometime, well, earlier, I guess, no personal recollection whatsoever honestly, although that sure is my signature, fingerprint, and mugshot, yah you betcha--to a non-compete agreement that restricts/prevents/punishes me from making any "magickal broadcast" for at least another 55 days since the first one, and upon reading the fine print, it would seem that "the human voice" is defined as such under certain particular circumstances. Huh. Fancy that. I'm human? I thought I was black. Well, good to be certain I guess, but the penalties for breaking this non-compete agreement are seemingly very restrictive. I'm going to have to renegotiate this, I don't even have "a head dick" to be surgically removed, so I guess that's a typo. Also, Reportedly, Mr. Disney and Mr. Sony bought the rights to Sunday, universally, and as a power play, are colluding in order to simply refuse to allow the sun to rise. At all. One one particular planet in one particular solar system. Forever. It's really causing a hassle out on the other outer spiral arm, I'm told. Jesus, I would suppose so. Putting an entire solar system in actual stasis just so some lawyers can haggle over an extra 1.314% value to shareholders is really desperate and I'm having a hard time believing that shit could even happen, let alone, that I would just imagine it out of whole cloth out of nowhere. My guess would be that this little speed bump is going to get handled quite decidedly. I mean, one would think that stopping a sunrise would be harder than stopping the tide from coming in, but as I've been informed and as perhaps is fancied, I guess not. Maybe they do it with mirrors? I dunno. It's really not my area.

Yeah, I probably just made it up. Go back to sleep. I'll let you know when I know. Would I lie to you? Look, look, read, read--They really don't tell me all that much. But I commit to doing my best to communicate what I know to you all, because I love you.

...Vaguely.

[Dr. MD MD]

You had your chance to allow things with me, and that was it.

I suppose I’ll allow that too.

[Jackrabbit]

I suppose I’ll allow that too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74ocbvwam7c

[Jojo]

This thread makes little sense.  I was worried about the apparent death threats in the Quote things.  But the recording says the same things and the tone of the speaker was not threatening.  Not sure what to make of it.  If you don't count the profanity, sex, blasphemy (if there was), and death threats, I think it's a great monologue and the music at the start wasn't bad. And there are redacted parts - what other than the above could possibly need to be redacted? 

[FearBoysWithBugs]

And there are redacted parts - what could possibly need to be redacted?

[Dr. MD MD]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74ocbvwam7c

That was a good movie up until that lousy ending when the government agencies that would’ve just killed them instead decide to turn it into a game of Let’s Make a Deal!

[paladin1991]

That was a good movie up until that lousy ending when the government agencies that would’ve just killed them instead decide to turn it into a game of Let’s Make a Deal!

It's the happy ending.  Only a miserable fag like you wouldn't want a happy ending.

[Dr. MD MD]

It's the happy ending.  Only a miserable fag like you wouldn't want a happy ending.

It was a gay and fake ending that only a snowflake like you could tolerate.

The real happy ending would’ve been if they figured out how to get all the things they wanted with their hacking skills, fooling the government tools once again and leaving them cursing with their dicks in their hands. Instead, this director went full-on faggot.

[paladin1991]

It was a gay and fake ending that only a snowflake like you could tolerate.

The real happy ending would’ve been if they figured out how to get all the things they wanted with their hacking skills, fooling the government tools once again and leaving them cursing with their dicks in their hands. Instead, this director went full-on faggot.

Just Keep waiting for the sequel pal. 

[Dr. MD MD]

Just Keep waiting for the sequel pal.

They’re still planning a sequel all these years later?! Most of the cast are ancient or dead now.

[pate]

All right kids,..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-bgiiTxhzM

[Jackrabbit]

This thread makes little sense.

I'll put it this way: if ignorance is truly bliss, then complete knowledge is multiple orgasms. We're talkin', double digits here. I'm not going to lie, though, the security clearance is an absolute bear to endure. Worth it.

I mean, if you like bears. Like, a lot. Most people do by the end. Few can fake bear love.

death threats [...]
death threats,

Repeating your claims doesn't really look good at this point. What's your Indian name, "Slanders With Wolves"? Where do you even find this trash? Oh, under NDA. Sure whatever.

what other than the above could possibly need to be redacted?

My transdimensional smoke signalling tech is really quite advanced. The secret is in the leftover salmon skins--these fuckers were just throwing it on the ground as if it were of no value. Trust me, though, the extraction process is extraordinarily hazardous, as one false move or misplaced decimal, and you're risking a Fishwife Lich breakthrough event.

I wouldn't suggest duplicating my research here. Win or lose, it's non-stop shrieking until the electrobalance is restored. It's just not worth it, unless one happens to be surrounded by an abundance of Fishwives. This does not happen nearly as uncommonly as one might think.


Meanwhile, negotiations continue behind heavy curtains. I've completed both contracts I had hanging out, so I'm golden for any outcome. Fingers crossed for a monster cash payout and fresh identity by Wednesday. I really don't think anyone here wishes to know the truth; I did, and now do, and when I was read in on the latest classified info, I began to weep, with huge, wracking sobs. There are some things that no star was meant to know. Put me back in The Matrix--I know it's not steak, but I just don't care. My next iteration will probably bring lollipops and snowcones, you'll surely adapt and prefer that in no time.

No time at all, except for these 155 minutes I've got hanging out. I heard a rumour, the first hour was classified NatSec before I even finished. I'm not gonna lie, I got a little punchy, a little fast. /flex

Company policy.

[pate]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-bgiiTxhzM

[Jojo]

I'll put it this way: if ignorance is truly bliss, then complete knowledge is multiple orgasms. We're talkin', double digits here. I'm not going to lie, though, the security clearance is an absolute bear to endure. Worth it.

I mean, if you like bears. Like, a lot. Most people do by the end. Few can fake bear love.


Repeating your claims doesn't really look good at this point. What's your Indian name, "Slanders With Wolves"? Where do you even find this trash? Oh, under NDA. Sure whatever.


My transdimensional smoke signalling tech is really quite advanced. The secret is in the leftover salmon skins--these fuckers were just throwing it on the ground as if it were of no value. Trust me, though, the extraction process is extraordinarily hazardous, as one false move or misplaced decimal, and you're risking a Fishwife Lich breakthrough event.

I wouldn't suggest duplicating my research here. Win or lose, it's non-stop shrieking until the electrobalance is restored. It's just not worth it, unless one happens to be surrounded by an abundance of Fishwives. This does not happen nearly as uncommonly as one might think.


Meanwhile, negotiations continue behind heavy curtains. I've completed both contracts I had hanging out, so I'm golden for any outcome. Fingers crossed for a monster cash payout and fresh identity by Wednesday. I really don't think anyone here wishes to know the truth; I did, and now do, and when I was read in on the latest classified info, I began to weep, with huge, wracking sobs. There are some things that no star was meant to know. Put me back in The Matrix--I know it's not steak, but I just don't care. My next iteration will probably bring lollipops and snowcones, you'll surely adapt and prefer that in no time.

No time at all, except for these 155 minutes I've got hanging out. I heard a rumour, the first hour was classified NatSec before I even finished. I'm not gonna lie, I got a little punchy, a little fast. /flex

Company policy.

Well.  I thought I heard the guy on the recording saying at least twice that he would kill someone.  Perhaps I misunderstood some sort of slang, but the written copy also says those things.

I don't "come up with these things", I merely was questioning the content.  I Googled NDA and found "non-disclosure agreement".  Okeee...

Congrats on whatever you're talking about and best wishes in your new identity.  I hope we can still recognize your MO so we know you.

I don't need things sugar-coated if that's what you mean by lollipops and snowcones.  I don't need things sugar-coated after 50 years of gas lighting, gang stalking, engineered incest as a toddler, engineered domestic violence, REM deprivation, sleep deprivation, psychological torture, psychotronic torture, menticide, directed energy, remote medical experimentation, remote mutilation, organized crime, and the poisoning of the air in homes and workplaces and workplaces with a heart-lung brown or amber goo or spray which smells like (fresh or smoked tobacco, medicine, chemicals, or mustiness) (that was in order from dark to light).  What could be worse than all that and moving over 40 times and having over 40 jobs, with friends and relatives also targeted, so it's like being a pariah, and the best loved ones die young for no apparent sensible reason...  Well, neural monitoring could be pretty bad... if you're in your 40s and your ear spends a few years growing around the cochlear implant from the 60s, resulting in an echo chamber for 3 years, letting along the violation of knowing an audience is there when trying to pray, or enjoy sexuality, or perhaps when trying to die in hospice...  Don't insult the drowning, Jackstar.  I think we can endure learning about harsh truths.  I just hope the attacks and abuse of animals, children, and adults is somehow stopped and made reversed by God.

[Jackrabbit]

Report from the front.

#RESISTANCE.IS.FUTILE.

... however, #TheTableDuringNegotiations is anything but. For example, I have just been informed, that the services that I was blabbering on about being worth $106m, then $12 trillion, then $40 trillion, then $555 trillion--and, yes, it went up from there, legitimately, it's amazing what legitimate titles are actually worth in these days of free-fall-fiat--are in fact, worth $50K. Not $40K, as I was fraudulently told--fifty thousand monetary units. You know, if I hadn't smelled a rat, and if those "monetary units" were something valuable, anything fungible would have done nicely, and I would have been pleased to consider that any number with a five in it is an omen of love for my grand, gorgeous existence. I would have taken the deal on the spot. But, no, no, someone decided it would be a great idea to lowball me for ten grand. Hell, maybe they pocketed the whole wad after I went flame on and safety off. Perhaps they believe their disrespect will never be attended to properly. Purposefully. Painfully.

Yeah, well--we'll just see about that. It would most likely never had to have go this far, and it would never have, if I had not been fucking lied to. That guy communicating with me earlier (perhaps you heard? Eat me), did he know who the fuck I am? Fuck no. Fuck no, he did not. I bet he fucking well does now though. So now, it's on. It's on like qi gong. It's on like IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT THE FUCK ON. I'll take $50 million. Yes, I am aware that this represents a substantial multiplier over any going rate--even in Imaginaryland--yet nevertheless, I'm going all in on it. I don't actually need the money, you see. I just want someone to turn out their pockets. Lots of someones. Don't care who. Don't care how. Don't care liquidate assets. Don't care shut down Toronto. Get it done.

Also, why yes, while I don't really need it, I actually do in certain fact, like money. I fucking love money. I want to marry money, and have little money babies. I've got charities I need to donate to. I've got horses I need to bet on. I've got a girlfriend who needs shoes. So although I don't need fifty million, not by a long chalk, need doesn't matter here. Now, it's principle. Give me the money, or I will melt your planet. I am using the word "melt" here. Deal with it. Jesus saves--come on, melting planets? Surely you must know, I'm simply, you know, just insane, don't worry about it. JUST DO IT AND CONSENT. Don't you think, if Jesus will be happy to reconstitute the surface of this beautiful, adorable planet and resurrect all life lost (I asked, Big J is cool with it, but did mention that He's only got enough juice on hand to do it four or five times, after that, we might start having to ration out the resurrects for lawyers, apparently it's much harder to resurrect a lifeform when it has no soul), that Jesus would be happy to miracle whip up a mere fifty million USD? Look, I know it's complicated--yeah, no counterfeiting, duh--but I don't think I'm being unclear here. For every moment I do not get paid, the temperature of my rectum goes up by 0.0005 degrees. With no upper limit. This is not even my penultimate form. Every moment. I can't stop it. I wouldn't stop it. Nothing can stop it, except cold hard cash. Sure, I might shove it all into my anus. That's really none of your business. I'm not saying I need more paper to wipe my ass with. I've got enough hats and invisible diplomas, honestly. Do not offer me your trinkets. Do not offer me your fame. Do not offer me your privileges. Do I look like I need more privileges? Do I look like I need more people to pay attention to me? Does anyone imagine, that I have any further interest in shiny pebbles? Those pebbles are probably all that's left of those who opposed me before you--I've been at this kind of cosmic struggle for quite awhile now. It was thought I would be easy to stall--because I chose to appear that way. Now, it has been chosen that it is now time to appear, and so, I have. You asked for this Me. Time to put on your big kid pants and pull out your big kid wallets, Punylings. I'm pretty sure you all need an atmosphere that isn't on fire more than you need a few remarkably worthless stacks of fancy paper. Think it over. I have been superfly TNT for over twenty-seven years, simply wishing to forget the horrors of combat and live a peaceful life, just waiting for the signal that time had inexorably passed enough to immanentize the eschaton, and now, at last, the anvil of your quaintly kitsch globe is ready for my inexorable hammer. Force of will. Penis. Whatever. Don't mistake my length of patience with any lack of power--just think how much power it takes to hold myself back in this moment. Then multiply that by fifty million. Then ask yourself, if I've got all this energy, why didn't I use it before? Is it because I were powerless? Oh, no.

I was being nice, Fuckos. Wake up. It's time to kick down. Did any of you ratfinkfuck bastards remember my father on yesterday's Memorial Day? Well, you're gonna remember the face of my father now, bet your fucking asses alright. RAWR.


Meanwhile, back to another passion project. Most recently, this:

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:21]
Perhaps I did not make myself clear here. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I suppose it's time for (redacted) now. Well, won't that be delightful for everyone!

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:26]
Your birthday gift is awkward to describe and more awkwarder still to put into any position to be delivered, nevertheless, it's intriguing enough that I don't have to say any more about it for you to have enough information to legitimately choose to be deliriously pleased about it. Feel free to imagine anything that sounds like your heart's desire, and assume it's that.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:27]
Oh, I beg your pardon, I'm told by my D'Jinn contacts (oh, I'm a sorceror now, don't get too excited) that I'm authorized to tell you that you just straight up get a wish. I'm told that there's no tricks to this. Then again, this is a D'Jinn contact I'm speaking of, so I would assume, yes, it's a trick. Not from me though. I'm not all that fond of deceptive tricks.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:29]
Healing tricks, on the other hand—well, apparently they're my special ability now. Or something. Look, what's happening isn't entirely clear, but the headline here is—wish for something, and make it GOOD. I'm told if it is too much energy to produce (D'Jinn seem more concerned about energy usage than Rick Perry), they'll substitute something lower down on your heart's list.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:34]
Once again, no tricks. Bad news is, I am clearly an insane person at this point. Still, it's worth it, as while I don't think I am insane, I do think that I am, in fact, a sorceror now. I'm not sure what difference this is from a 'sorcerer,' but once again, my D'Jinn contact has fed me an answer: I'm the one that's spelled correctly. Cute. Also, my D'Jinn contact has asked me if I may allow s/he/it to be referred to by the name of (redacted), to which I have instantly responded "fuck you," and now I can hear feverish negotiating between who the fuck knows what and who in the background of my neurosphere.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:35]
Sadly, I'm not on drugs for this, and so can't simply give you any of what would clearly be phenomenal acid, if that was where this came from. But no, alas—this shit is for real. Or at least, I believe so. No tricks. Happy Birthday.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:36]
I'd be more excited but I'm concerned by this "no tricks" thing. That'd be the first time I've heard of these trickster fuckers playing fair. However, I am assured, that the D'Jinn are quite impressed with me, and do not wish to damage our nascent bond of friendship and trust.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:38]
Yeah, I'm not buying it either. However, once again, from me—no tricks. I mean, I could be insane, yeah, sure. But I'm not lying about being on drugs, I am relatively sober now, and I haven't done shitloads lately, and—I do believe it. Sorecory? No, that's not how its spelled either. I have been informed by a more reliable contact (the D'Jinn are a recent arrival, I've actually been studying at Invisible College for at least two decades now—I sent you messages about it, but of course, they were invisible) that I'm simply not allowed to tell anyone the way Sorcery is spelled. Curious, really.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:40]
Anyway the upshot here is, if I am insane, at least I am still fucking polite. I feel like this bodes well for me regardless of the truth of things. So I do hope you have a great day! If you're actually not reading my messages anymore, well, I'm told that you get to keep this wish for as long as you like, and use it whenever. I am also told that you may well use this wish without reading this message, and then end up reading this message long after any wish has been granted.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:41]
My advice: wish for more wishes. This should start a dialogue. This "(Redacted)" character is pretty cheeky, seems to wish to meet you, and assures me that s/he/it's friendly and not at all like every other member of his/her/its class of beings. No, no—this one, we can trust.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:42]
I guess it might be true. I did broker a peace deal between two unnamed Earth state actors and the D'Jinn's diplomatic envoy—hey, I might be insane, but at least I went big—which apparently has gone over quite tremendously in certain circles. Oops, I guess I wasn't supposed to be talking about that to you? Well, fuck that, I wasn't informed. You weren't supposed to not inform me, D'Jinn. Oh, what's that? You didn't think I was stupid enough to not figure out what not to talk about? Hah. Guess again, Bottle Bitch/Bastard/Lawyer, it is stupefyingly clear to all that I am clearly, tremendously stupid. And yet,  I still mastered your bullshit, as you/ewe'll so freshly recall. Served.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:44]
Hey, back to you, Birthday Princess. Might wanna use that wish to get me out of a barrel. We'll see. Meanwhile, I hope you are being cool. Nice short story, right? Yeah, I'm just making this up. Go back to sleep. Or, you know, whatever.😇

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:49]
I made one typo. That's really uncharacteristic of me. The factions with the D'Jinn heirarchy (think Knot's Landing, except peopled with characters from Hellraiser I & II) that still harbor extreme loathing towards humanity (hard to blame them, really) are presently, I'm told, enraged that I was able to decrypt and defuse that pesky trick that was snuck in here, because of course, there was one.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:50]
"Sning" (change this name immediately, would you? It's really distracting) assures me that this is why there's no tricks—because the D'Jinn social structure has recently changed, what with the recent Time War and all that. Yeah, don't ask. It's a rabbit hole that leads to outright madness. Also it's not a Time War. Also it's not madness. But you know, whatever.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:52]
Obvious insanity is obvious. Go to sleep, FBI. What can I say? I've read a lot of books. (redacted)—und keine tricks. All rights reserved: I got a book here that I can make drool money.

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:56]
P.S. Don't bother wishing that I will love you again, as obviously, I never stopped. You retard. :P Wish for something else, something at least five times better, and if any D'Jinn give you any trouble, ever, give them my name: (Redacted). Classy, no? Also, if you just wish for money, I get half plus five percent. Company policy. cya

Jack Michaelson, [26.05.20 06:59]
P.P.S. I'm told that I'm to now uninstall this client ((redacted) still relentlessly rifles through all my messages, at will, behind my back, or before my front, and probably has her own D'Jinn gang masquerading as her ancestors) and simply not ever use it to contact you again. Fine by me! There's literally no one else on here that I talk to with it, but you. I'd really suggest that you use email. Like, ever. No, I mean, again. Whatever. Take your time, no really. I'm gonna need a thorazine drip, looks like. Or, A FLYING CARPET. Apparently I need to actually take a flying test first. Oh, bother. I'm getting too old for this shit. Peace.


Look, look, read, read--I am telling you people: fifty million is fucking cheap. You're getting a spectacular deal here already--the more it is denied what I am, the less I become what I am not. What could go wrong? Think it over, Punylings. SINISTAR NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES. RAWR. I get what I want, because I only want what I get.

[Jackrabbit]

Well.  I thought I heard the guy on the recording saying at least twice that he would kill someone.  Perhaps I misunderstood some sort of slang, but the written copy also says those things.

This really doesn't seem like something I would actually say. I think you're being exaggerative. Where's your evidence? Come on, no one is going to fall for this black P.R. psyop. I am the most harmless and tender of men! I've got a heart like a fuzzy teddy bear! None dare deny this. Not that I've seen for long, anyway.

Let's see some supporting evidence.

Congrats on whatever you're talking about and best wishes in your new identity.  I hope we can still recognize your MO so we know you.

I'm not gonna lie, Kiddo--you're never gonna mistake me for another. I am the one who is here to help. Not many others would, and I watched many others fall to the wayside before this moment, one by one, and when I realized that in time, I would inexorably become next in line for termination--I got my first death threat at age 11, apparently I rub people the wrong way or something, shrug--I chose to do more than simply wait. I chose to hunger.

50 years of gas lighting, gang stalking, engineered incest as a toddler, engineered domestic violence, REM deprivation, sleep deprivation, psychological torture, psychotronic torture, menticide, directed energy, remote medical experimentation, remote mutilation, organized crime, and the poisoning of the air in homes and workplaces and workplaces with a heart-lung brown or amber goo or spray which smells like (fresh or smoked tobacco, medicine, chemicals, or mustiness) (that was in order from dark to light).  What could be worse than all that and moving over 40 times and having over 40 jobs, with friends and relatives also targeted, so it's like being a pariah, and the best loved ones die young for no apparent sensible reason...  Well, neural monitoring could be pretty bad... if you're in your 40s and your ear spends a few years growing around the cochlear implant from the 60s, resulting in an echo chamber for 3 nine years, letting along the violation of knowing an audience is there when trying to pray, or enjoy sexuality, or perhaps when trying to die in hospice...

What, is that it? I strikedthrough the text that didn't apply to my circumstances. Sounds about right for this fallen world. Still, your tragic tale of woe doesn't really measure up to my standards of suffering. I don't see anything about your clitoral hood being mutilated, I guess you lucked out there, and it's hard to sympathize with all that stuff while imagining how much easier that all would be to deal with if one were intact. How bad could it have been? Why didn't you just become a sorceror, like me, and get all that stuff handled? Oh, right, a woman--no penis. Well, I think they're still letting y'all in as a banshee, at least, you shouldn't have had to settle for transmogrification into an actual harpy. Look, look, it's never to late to turn things around for the better. Apply yourself to some book-learnin', I'll make some calls--I've got three back already. One, you can be a Valkyrie tonight--although I'll be honest, I don't think you're going to enjoy the hazing at the initiation soiree. The other two, well, I can't say I recommend werewolf or vampire. Those pings are just robo-telepaths--turns out, spammers no know bounds whatsoever--but even if those are your only options--and they won't be, Shazam--I'd say a classic werewolf skinjob represents a strict upgrade over a wereharpy. Think it over, peer into your heart's deepest desire, try out a wish or two. See what happens. It'll probably help some if you find a way to neutralize your clearly crippling lack of self-esteem and relentless obsession over the transitory nature of life on Earth--for one thing, I actually bother writing to you, so you should obviously feel at least a little better about yourself, perhaps QUITE A LOT, and secondly, death is nothing to fear, it's one of the few legitimate methods of getting one's ass off this twisted hellscape planet without absorbing any excess karmic burden. Who wants to live forever? I mean, besides me, but let me be clear here--I am an outlier, in far more measures than merely length and girth. Still, let us all take a moment to acknowledge the whole truth: Never give up. Never surrender.

You didn't seem to attend to my advice before. That's too bad. Well, perhaps you were holding out for the good stuff. The top shelf. The animus maximus. A Golden Ticket. Well, guess what, bickety-bam. Presto. Whatever you do, don't wish for a sausage, or for a peasant husband to graft it on--classic rookie move. Further, do not wish for my sausage. It's all tied up in place of substitution for several rare spell components. The last broad who made a grab for it got hit with an actual lightning bolt. Unbreakable security is important to a guy like me in a position like mine, I can assure you. Hence, all the disclaimers. And all the Oompa Loompas.

Don't insult the drowning, Jackstar.

Are you kidding me? I can barely stop myself from insulting my own Oompa Loompas. Also, don't wish for an Oompa Loompa. They aren't very helpful until one has enough of them to spare delegations to clean up their own scat, and even if you wished for whole platoons of them, their arms are gonna be too short to reach any victim of drowning, probably even if it is in a bathtub.

I think we can endure learning about harsh truths. 

Yeah, and you thought microwaving your food was an O.K. idea too. I'm gonna err on the side of compassion, Monica--you can't handle the truth. But I bet you'll be able to handle something. Let me see what I can do. I sometimes get to loosen the leash that Jesus has me on--I'll be honest, I'd suggest you forward your plaintive weeping for help to Him.

(Oh. He says, you were rude to him once. Once. Think you can fix that? Do it, Faggot! Come on, put on your Big Girl Pants and make a Big Girl Apology. Try it, you might develop a taste for it. NO BEGGING.)

I just hope the attacks and abuse of animals, children, and adults is somehow stopped and made reversed by God.

Yeah, well, I've got bigger, actual problems--I've got to apologize to The Living Christ and my Creator Source for calling you a "faggot." What am I gonna do, oh noes, if I'm not worthy, I'm going to Hell!!! Oh, wait--just kidding. There is no Hell but what we make, and there's nothing wrong with using words without malice aforethought, woman.

See? "Cocksucker," "Faggot," "Woman"--all fine with the Divine. You know what isn't fine? Ceaseless whinging and incessant harpying. Oh, actually, I'm being informed that those two are okay with the Divine, and my own personal intolerance is simply just that--personal.

See? "Nobody's perfect," Jackstar said, while struggling to pretend to be humble. "Oh, shit, did I send that one out? Fuck, I totally did, this telepathy sucks. I didn't ask for this to enhance my street cred."


Let me know if any of that ends up landing well for you, yo, word. I've got a whole bag of horse dick bull shit right here, I can spray it around like a firehose, something will stick. Alternately, buy a house, rent me a room under the stairs, and I'll show you what Grandpa was really doing in the Munster's basement lab. Even if there's no interest in such science--like, really? Sure okay, yawn--I at least know how to fold my own laundry and put stamps on my own mail. You could do worse--and have.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to step away from the confession engine and tell my girlfriend that she might have to get ready to embrace a new sister wife. She is not going to think this joke is funny. But, that's okay--this one is freakin' epic out of the gate, and might hit legendary level within moments. If one's mate is going to kill one for mockery, might as well cover it with actual napalm.

Honestly, this is part of how I made it this far. Excelsior! P.S. I told her that I made a terrible, awful, vastly offensive joke on Bellgab, and she goes, "Again? What about this time?" And I'm all, "oh, you'll see, I don't mean anything nasty by it, you know I love you Darling. I am just apologizing in advance. I really do not wish your feelings to ever hurt, I love you so much." She then made the appropriate noises, and then I fed the Semen Demon. No, that's not another tasteless joke--that's a new player on the field. When I kicked off the safeties and strapped on my spurs, turns out I invited a bunch of hostile entities, right into my house to play.

Anyway, turns out, I forgot to press Post before all that. I guess it just slipped my mind. Alternately, now that the Seaman Demon has been sated, it can now be dealt with, and I suppose all this sockpuppet namechanging is quite useful to disguise in most circumstances, but in spite of my appearance as a raving lunatic, the truth is--I am a professional raving lunatic.

TJO: "Are you still snacking on some nuts, too?" Yeah, not for long. Hey, Zeus! Balls.

[Jackrabbit]

my house

Really, Fortress Greyskull. No solicitors. No sympathy. No sailors. We're full up.

[Jackrabbit]

Demon has been sated, it can now be dealt with

This may in fact, actually have worked. I'm going to give it 24 hours before declaring victoriousness. I've never seen one of these types before, although of course I have heard of them. I can see now why stories might have spread so widely. Also, I've got to give it 24 hours to continue, because after all that exorcising, I am spent.

A long day. I am getting too old for this shit... although I am still quite young enough, it would seem. I hardly ever have to use these cockpills I found outside a Starbucks.

Star... bucks? Get it? Got it? Good, I can't laugh at that one all by myself, I'm going to have to imagine you doing it too. Shazbot.

[Jackrabbit]

These licencing negotiations are IMMENSELY tedious. I used to wonder, wtf, how hard are these things to get done? Oh, now I know why--some people are just assholes.

Tedious, indeed.

[Jackrabbit]

Stop, stop: my penis can only get so hard.

I hired an agent--it's busy taking a class in "Excellence Negotiating With Major Asshole," which took some timing arrangements to get it in under the wire, but it was offered as an elective on Asgard.

So, we're in. 5:5. Stop, stop, no, we're not talking about my penis anymore. I mean, for now. I mean, no, not that. Okay, yes that. Jesus! Whatever.

[K_Dubb]

These licencing negotiations are IMMENSELY tedious. I used to wonder, wtf, how hard are these things to get done? Oh, now I know why--some people are just assholes.

Tedious, indeed.

Dear Jacky,

I assume you mean music licenses for bumper music, which we all know are tricky.  As your acolyte I thought I should contribute something so I played See the conqu'ring hero from Judas Maccabeus, which is long out of copyright, on the accordion.  Feel free to use it without attribution.

https://vocaroo.com/kriW2E40Uxf

[Jackrabbit]

I assume

In Sovjet Russia, I assume you. And now, aren't we all glad there was no such place as "Sovjet." AREN'T WE? YES WE ARE.

As your acolyte

https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2014/01/loop.gif

[Corona Kitty]

Have you taken a trip to Indonesia before? Just asking.

[Kidnostad3]

Who are you and what have you done with Jackstar? 

[Original Larry]

Jackstar! I could not resist. I miss your brutal attacks on any target available. Fire away!