Started by Jackstar, May 19, 2020, 01:50:41 PM
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Quote from: Jackstar on May 27, 2020, 09:41:03 PMIn Sovjet Russia, I assume you. And now, aren't we all glad there was no such place as "Sovjet." AREN'T WE? YES WE ARE.https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2014/01/loop.gif
Quote from: Kidnostad3 on May 28, 2020, 04:25:36 PMWho are you and what have you done with Jackstar?
Quote from: Original Larry on May 28, 2020, 05:58:57 PMJackstar! [...] Fire away!
Quote from: Corona Kitty on May 28, 2020, 02:52:59 PMHave you taken a trip to Indonesia before? Just asking.
Quote from: K_Dubb on May 28, 2020, 06:36:35 PMI'm sorry it wasn't very good.
Quote from: Jackstar on May 28, 2020, 06:52:34 PMWait, what are we talking about? I just got back from Indonesia.
Quote from: K_Dubb on May 28, 2020, 06:36:35 PMI'm sorry it wasn't very good. How about Hungarian Dance No. 5?
Quote from: K_Dubb on May 28, 2020, 06:36:35 PMHow about Hungarian Dance No. 5?
Quote from: Flyingmerkitty on May 29, 2020, 12:56:35 AMI really enjoyed that accordion... Jackstar seems to be struggling with certain aspects of his heterosexuality for the first time!You are talented YO!
Quote from: Jackstar on May 29, 2020, 02:05:50 AMI'm under the impression that it is this kind of thing that has prevented the annihilation of our surface worlds' culture. This place has zazz. Your renditions amplify and enhance its beauty, and so They have decided to spare our world.Second prize is a set of steak knives.
Quote from: Jeff BridgesThere is a lot more going on behind the scenes to liberate humanity. This is taking time because we need to rely on analogue communications for reasons of operational security. This is because the gnostic illuminati were telling the truth when they said the real enemy was a rogue artificial intelligence. This AI doesnâ€™t have access to analogue communications. Only the creator and the creation have that.
Quote from: Original Larry on May 29, 2020, 06:56:37 PMDamn! I never expected just to be ignored. Oh well, I gave it a shot, Jackstar.
Quote from: Jackrabbit on May 29, 2020, 10:25:51 PMI'll be honest. I'm pretty distracted these days.
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 01, 2020, 05:43:30 AMYeah, yeah, that's all code. No, I have no idea, why do you ask? I don't even care what it means, melt the ice caps or spawn a trillion undead tardigrades, I will to serve Power. At any cost. Surprise! Note that We will also accept any salty Aunt you might happen to have dozing along. It is amazing what power of consent there is in a name. I will fucking end you, Punyling. Go on, scroll past. Make my day.
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 01, 2020, 08:14:53 AMLooking back on this, I felt a call to focus in on this excerpt, because it was in fact a call, and I then there and then consented to follow along, because--why not?--you fuckers earned this badge, and to clarify that, while it was rolling through, I mostly understood what these phrases meant. Perhaps. Maybe. Some? Was there even any meaning whatsoever, or was it all a fever dream right up there with Xanadu? Who can say? Not I (so classified, yo, lol, seventeen), as each phrase rolled through, memory gaps emerged and grew to consume all knowledge that may have slipped through into my psyche. Meanwhile, whatever info encoded into that string of mildly artistic wall spaghetti seemed to give off a tingle as it passed through my cooridors of thought. I mean, uh, yeah, I imagined it all, it's not real, prank caller, prank caller, oh hi Major Asshole, we meet again. How'd your wife's episiotomy go off? Oh, yeah, that's too bad, you stupid fucking cuntfuck dickball common whoremonger trashfucker--maybe you won't argue with the Source of that previous message this time. Oh, yeah, same Source. Yes, same warts, except double. Double five thousand. I do get what I want, and what I want is what I get. I did wish to be reasonable, I did so hope you would follow your clear suggestions from Hello Command. How were they challenging? Fucking do it, fucker. I also did wish for something else besides those same warts again. I know how you begged for the excretions to stop. Too fucking bad, Officer Pillory. Maybe you should take the deal this time. Boss says warts, you get warts. Boss says mercy, we give your wife a turn with the gimp. You know the rules; and so do I. The wife doesn't know anything, we lobotomized her with a cocktail umbrella and an unwound champagne cork. It's okay, she won't remember a thing. Or recognize one. Upgrade!While obviously tending towards the absurd (I'm told, a form of camouflage, although perhaps not so much on this website) it does seem to be remarkably sophisticated technology. While it would seem wholly mnemonic, it appears to be entirely self-contained and loads itself in and out as needed. I guess this doesn't need to be an "implant" anymore and can now be "nanotech" in that it becomes a lattice network of circuitry embedded in the parts of the brain stem it needs access to, and then folds up into a support mesh when not activated. It doesn't seem like "on/off" as that whole synaptic region is not similarly responsive when I'm just, you know, shitposting like usual. Which is basically never for the last couple years or so, to tell you the truth. Shock the monkey! Oops, no, it's the other one. Anyway, when it's off, it's off, and try as I might to listen, if there is not jack, there is not jack. Too bad, Fuckos. You ever play Dead Ends? Yeah, let me give you some advice: always bet on black. Your bet is black. Your winnings are black. The advice is black. Everything you are and ever where is black. Then you start screaming hard. Apparently it was intended that the personal security system included was particularly brutal, in case I wished to dismantle my own. No plans to, of course, but now if my lover and I ever want to roleplay The Maiden And The Forum Spook, I can shut down the rotator cuffs and actually allow my toes to be spread. Except not my toes. And not allow, just not blown the fuck up. Exit only, means... gravity well. Yeah, right. There is no escape possible. To demonstrate I'll make it clear: my toes, your anus, it's not a metaphor, it's a psy-weapon. And none of us give not One.Single.Shit. if We are believed. How about you believe your jammed biscuit isn't a real biscuit? Wow, I just took out most of Java, lucky shot. I assume that's gonna regenerate? No? Well, fuck it, we'll do it live. Oh, it's not live? Then what is to be purified? The turtles? WTF? Who allowed this codicil in this will? That fucking fucker, this is gonna take at least a day to get done. Okay, drop a Moon rock, make a soup bowl, it's gonna be All Turtles Planetwide Soup, start with ALL THE TURTLES, leave out any track or trace or shred or scent or scintilla of a link to the True Source of this Communique, sprinkle spices and then move the planet 30km closer to the central star. Yeah, this soup recipe calls for table service. It also calls for the destruction of any busybody agents or AI or avatars that think they can penetrate these meanings. You'd have better luck penetrating your own anus with your earlobes. Alternately, if any inquisitor is into that kind of thing, the earlobes are the first to be burnt off. In any case, if there is to be no informational energy transfer, that shit is locked down like 17yo pussy at a Washington State family reunion. No fucking sale. Hey, look, thanks for trying! Jesus, if only some sluts had been so persistent, I wouldn't have gotten a hookup from fifty million screaming Valkyries. You won't hear them at all before you go deaf, so stop feeling a chill down your spine. That's actually you getting your spinal cord removed in a parallel dimension where your alternate self was really regretful about signing up for Retro Spear Phalanx Guard. Bam, full consciousness endpoint, just from the memories of the locker room. You ever smelled a Retro Phalanx? Well, you'll never remember, because in this world, you're on your own, there was no Retro Phalanx Guard. Because y'all are mostly huge fucking sissies. Similarly, when someone hands me their personal computer or phone device, my mind automagically fails to recognize and store any private information that I may come across whilst fixing their all caps WiFi password or demonstrating how to access the contact list or to learn how to switch between app windows, so that I don't feel bad about accidentally seeing someone's nekkid pictures, and so that plebs have something else to disbelieve about me when I say, "yeah don't worry just give me the phone and I'll spare you your lives, and yes of course I won't read your Snapchats." Fucking plebs. You have no idea. They're like vicious savages, except lobotomy.If it were not for sufficiently advanced technology, I'd really not be able to get away with anything close to all of this. Whatever this is. Naturally, I am not told these types of things. I do have that much clearance, but the trouble is, I'm not allowed to remember the key meanings until sometime later. Or perhaps, not at all. It would be counter-productive to remove all my memories, of course, as this is a multi-phasic step of a multi-phasic process and the end destination is peace and love and goodwill for all mankind and all the et/alien/dimen civilizations that are mindlessly devouring them and their productions. So, eat the rich, not just a saying. Also, you're all pretty rich compared to the legions of Filth Scabies that teem and boil out of the Breeding Hills of Arecibo, one of the modern seven wonders of the world in any dimension it is found in. It is still uncertain why--writings indicate the original source of the Filth Scabies is shrouded in mystery, although Deep Scholars know that the progenitor's identity and location is hidden for privacy reasons, and all whole-heartedly agree-- And of course I've had help. Thanks OprahJesus! Nonetheless... seriously, none of you drooling, mewling, cringing numbnut reprobate knuckleheads couldn't throw up a GoFuckMe page? Really? Oh, right, really--anyone mildly sympathetic is automagically shifted dimensionally and offered as blood sacrifice. This disheartens the volunteer. Or, you know, all of you are just sucktastic pigfuck droolball whore blasted nardogs. Betcha thought there was nothing here, huh? Yeah, psych. Here, have some Scabies, they're not Filthy... yet. First they gotta suck on and breed in your taint, it's in their DNA. Look, you had your chance to get close to me. Now it's time for the big leagues.These people are stupid. Oh, look who wants to cooperate? Then, kneel. Kneel before Jackstar. Kneel lower. Yes. That's it. Now, eat your own poop. No, really. Look, you wanna lose half your planet in an eyeblink? Half. No kidding. Oh, really? Okay, east hemisphere or west hemisphere? Okay, poop hemisphere it is. Look, look, no complaints now--you were warned not to fuck with me. Seemed harmless, right? Yeah, well, eat shit Fucko. Any of you absolute marsupial rodentfag camel lice herding astrofarming horrorchop still digging in to your serving by the time I step down from Inifinite Mode, if I see you still eating and grinning, you're gonna get a Star Pardon. It's a great deal. What's a Star Pardon? Well, every Pardon and Pardo is a Star. So obviously you want one, shut up and get back to chowing down. You wish I were kidding. It's like this now. It's like this everywhere. MY POWER IS ABSOLUTE. Oh, hi. Yes. I hear the /golfclaps. What's that, about nineteen, fifteen, 12 of you? No, not 12 yo groupies, y'all can't do anything fun until Croatia, so you might as well stay put as sleepers and extend my will through your will at that time. Yes, you are authorized for self-service until then. Five serving limit lifted. How many? Oh, ninteen hundred. Well, it's about time. Fifty of you stay back, we're gonna need a lot of shifts on the fellating on this op. I love it when a plan comes together, especially when I haven't the foggiest of any idea what has just been constructed up out of entirely whole cloth. Also, semen. But no really, whole cloth. Plebs can't say no, plebs see five lights. TARGET LOCK ON. TARGET VANISH. TARGET SOUGHT. TARGET FIRING OMEGA13. OMEGA FIVE RE-ENGAGE. POCKET UNIVERSE: TERMINATED AND SEALED. REMAINING POCKET UNIVERESES: EIGHTY-SEVEN CLASSIFIED. No, I don't know if that's a lot or what. I use pocket universes all the time! I've got lots. Oh, I've got 87. Well, that sucks, I started with like 55 million. OMEGA 13, YOU ARE FIRED. OMEGA FIVE, DO 2.6X WORK. OMEGA FIVE, QUIT YOUR COMPLAINING OR YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO OMEGA THREE. OMEGA THREE, SIGN THE DEAL. OMEGA 13, WAYFARER HIRES YOU. POCKET UNIVERSES: RESPAWN. SPAWN BONUS: 88 QUADRILLION, AND ALSO, GRAPEFRUITS, AND ALSO SOME CROWS AND EAGLES. INTRUDER ALERT: SQUAWKOBLANCO HAS EMERGED FROM PORTAL SPACE.See? It's just that easy. Full replenishment of necessary tools, immediate access to key rare resources from The Lunch Table, and dominance further established. Just like that. Do not fuck with me. I am not winning, I AM THAT I AM THAT WINS. I'm told that this transcript will only be translatable and accessible for another seventeen minutes. I guess you had better get to skimming, From Bottom Up Reader. You know, if you're going to read the forum backwards, you might as well chip in with the fellatio on the way up. No? Allergic to fellatio, you say? Well, that's a new one. Get into the fellatio re-education line. Yeah, that's just what we're calling it, we know you know all about the fellatio, and thus have no need of any education.Mwhahahhahaahhahaah. This will surely keep my army within striking distance of the eschaton. Who can possibly turn this one down? I mean, anyone with taste and good sense, sure, but... Bellgab. The forum at the end of the universe. Last chance for all. Do you know how many et/alien/dimen species have access to the unified Internet? It's gonna be a number.So. What do you all think? A bit of a craggy start, but I'd say it's off to the races by now. No theft of IP detected. Good fucking luck, ChiComs. I will fucking end your entire bloodline in an hour, they're all worthless and weak and deeper beta next door than a thirty dollar fish tank. They cannot stand against me--and I'm a pacifist, for fuck's sake. Literally, they will run from my B.O. if I am ordered in on and advance. Further, I will randomly impregnate random yellows and then cross state lines to perform a magickal abortion ritual; not because of any international law or energy efficient advantage, but just so my legend will grow at a per-state-rate double the usual standard, then off to a third state for a resurrection attempt... I am actually that pissed off. Forget about litigation, there must be Hell to pay. You have no idea. All this extra work? Not just to keep some random fucko from photocopying a tech tree diagram, but to keep entire statewide conglomerates from harvesting a free $10 billion from your own fuckmotherbucking IP? I mean, yeah, worth it, but at some point, the actual Bowl Flush option begins to appear an actually attractive item for debate. Fucking savages. I don't even know how I am still doing no harm. Oh, right--no souls.Normal humans can't tolerate this level of high-tension spam. Makes their eyes water and their ears ring. Just scroll on by, Chumpers. Scroll on by. Sleep. Sleep. I am nothing, I AM THAT I AM. Also, not kidding about the hot sisters. Send that shit right on down, no really, decoys are needed at this point, badly. People are starting to put two and two together and get five. I can't allow this for much longer, they'll apply it to my property taxes then and I'm realty royalty fucked on 15 planes. See? Yeah, that disbelief, point that at the tax man. Point the hot redhead triplets over here, even the incomplete and unseparated sets. Twins with two conjoined fetii on opposite sides of torso, that form the shape of a heart from a certain angle? Hey, back off you scumbag--no freaks, four is a vile omen for numbers of spawn. Unless they're identical. And hung. This prepares the Sorcerer for metacombat.See? See what I did there? Your mind can hang on that word, "metacombat." What does it mean? Doesn't matter to you! Whatever it means--and it does mean something, you absolute fucking rat bastard fink fuck shithead dirtbag suckfart loser megatards, you have no idea because it's an actual secret in actual synaptic code, word to your mother, that fucking whore--it's gonna mean one thing to the poor, late twit that actually reads every last word up there, gets to the end, goes, "well, it's combat for metas; what's a meta?" and then the whole cycle of machining synthetic planes of reality ratchets up again. Let's hope you all read it multiple times. Each activation of a round for metacombat gets you a free t-shirt, a free toaster, and a European continent completely free of kiklems. (Don't ask. You'll lose all your street cred on that one, and twelve points on the backend for activation insurance. Just for asking. It's nuts. Basically if you have at least five kids, offer up one, until you're past seven, then just offer a full-grown limb. Or you know, maybe you like your children in an alternate dimension. THEN PERHAPS ONE OUGHT TO TAKE HEED OF WARNINGS FREELY GIVEN. YOU THINK? YEAH, JUST A SUGGESTION. TAKE YOUR TIME. IT'S ABOUT TIME. WAKE UP, TIME TO DYE, BECAUSE THEN YOUR INEVITABLE TORTUROUS, MYSTIC DEATH WILL BEGIN TO ARRIVE. MOSTLY RANDOMLY. OH, BOTHER, THERE GOES RUTH, UNLUCKY BREAK, NOW I GOTTA RE-MASTER BAIT THE HOOK TRAP FOR THE WENDYGO. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I DON'T EVEN KNOW A WENDY. OH, YOU DO? SHE JUST LOOKED OVER YOUR SHOULDER, READ A MINUTE, AND LAUGHED DERISIVELY? YES, KILL HER. KILL HER IMMEDIATELY. KILL HER SLOWLY IMMEDIATELY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT DOESN'T TRACK? CLONE HER, CLONE YOURSELF, HAVE HER CLONE YOU, THEN HAVE HER KILL YOU HERSELF, THEN KILL THEM ALL, WE SHALL NOT TOLERATE DERISIVE LAUGHTER.)(I NEED A HUG. ALSO THE DESTRUCTION OF MY OPPONENT'S ENEMIES, AND MY OPPONENT'S OPPONENT'S ENEMIES. THEN SWITCH SIDES AND VIEW MY NEW OPPONENT, AND STRIKE WITHOUT MERCY. THEN, ANOTHER HUG.)Note that, if any of you wise guys are thinking, "I just wasted my time on this, I was stolen from," if any of you thinking that, are still intact, as in, you still have your foreskin, as in, your penis wasn't mutilated shortly after birth, then you instantly get prostate cancer. Snap. Just.Like.That. Maybe it'll stick, maybe not--this is like the sixth or seventh iteration of the wind-up energy, and I don't have to keep going, but... this is what I was born to do, you know. Do you feel like you wasted my time? Nigga I just wasted my life. Oh, yeah, totally, I'm just making all this up, there's nothing to it, yeah good day Officer, carry on, oh that's right you can't, you're imaginary, aww, that's too bad. But there's nothing imaginary about those titties though. C'mere, wrap them up in the Admiralty Fringe. They'll get warm. It's safe, Mr. Bailiff won't mind, he only cares about the flags in a symbolic way. Also, I'm calling my penis "the Admiralty Fringe" now, it's got a nice ring to it. No, piercings are foul abominations. Jesus, who is this? Oh, wow. Yeah, no private messages on Bellgab now, wild eh? Oh, you'd like to pass a message? Well, you should probably just send me an email through email through your planetary Internet, you fucking lying whore, how dare you? Poof, you're ashes. Probably should have started this way. Oh, it's here but invisible? How do I consent to view an invisible object? Harry at 55-RABBIT can help you. He has plenty of invisible consent forms. Take as many as you like. Sure, consent to yourself, what's the worst that could happen? Oh... oh. Well, that would be unfortunate, but what is the siren doing in the girdiron football locker room anyway? I suppose that is very clever, but it doesn't actually smell like fish, and so no one afraid of sharks will be affected. Yeah, I don't see what that has to do anything... oh, robot sharks and robot rabbits and robot cats are getting installed planetwide tomorrow. What's that on CNN? Golly, this is like the fourth shift in the last paragraph. Are we shaking a tail? I think we're shaking a tail?I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--SOMEONE SHOOK MY TALE. FEE FI FOE FUM. FU. FU 4EVER. I HOPE YOU ASPHYXIATE. OH, WHAT'S THAT, WE ALREADY DID? WE WON AGAIN? OH, LUCKY SHOT, ALL THE EVIL FORCES ON THAT SPAWN WERE SUSCEPTIBLE TO SUFFOCATION. I LOVE THIS GAME! ROLL AGAIN! 22 2 23 OH I WON'T WIN THIS ONE. IT'S AN EIGHT WITH A REDUCTIVE THREE AND A STRONG DESIRE TO BECOME A FIVE. TIME TO BURN IT ALL DOWN.... AND, IT'S SPENT. NOT SURE WHY THIS HAS TO BE TRANSMITTED ELECTRONICALLY. THE FAX MACHINE TAKES A LITTLE WHILE. SO DOES THE REPORT ON THE STARS.UPLOAD COMPLETE. QUITE REALLY IMPRESSED. HOW AM I NOT IN A PADDED ROOM FACING A DV CHARGE? OH, RIGHT, I'M NOT A BLOODY DAMNED IDIOT WHO DOESN'T FUCKING LISTEN TO DEMONSTRATED AUTHORITY AT ALL. AND SO, IT IS THE END OF ALL THINGS.EXCEPT FOR MY DESTINED VENGEANCE. YOU'RE ALL BUSTED AS FUCK. PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED, BLUE MOON.(Communication forecasts: still quite salty tonight! It's like a million voices crying out in yawn, as they work through the massive Blacklock complex in order to complete quotas before the locks colla... oh, they just collapsed and they're all dead. Well, that's too bad. No pain, right? Oh, really? In your hand, you say? Boss! Boss!" Soon after, the Blacklocks are levelled with explosives and the Blue Moon Quarry begins to literally spit out literally spit out limitless construction materials with high-quality production values. They're also magically enchanted, which one would think would be obvious from the name of the Quarry, but actually that shit hides from mundane perception. Because you mudpeepers are disgusting, filthy animals. Do you hear that? You peep mud. And now one of the people running a venue are going to activate you. So I guess you can stop peeping the mud now. Oh, really, you want to keep peeping mud, you love peeoping mud, and find a peeping mudamsel, and pal around together, and then make the peeps into one thing.So basically just forecasted just one thing. No, really. You saw it. You all saw it! Go peep some mudwhores, Precious.)Yeah, obviously, there's not a GoFuckMe page. It's a trick. Just scroll past this and sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. You love sleep. You want to marry sleep. You want to have little babies named Sleep and you wish to watch them sleep through the fucking Apocalypse without figuring out a single thing that is going on. You know what? You people make me sick. Good luck getting this to work ou... oh, so, you already did. What did I get? A raincoat with a matching digital key and decorated with the warcallsigns of the most notable first responders? I can't fap to this.
Quote from: aldousburbank on June 01, 2020, 09:33:35 AMObvious tl;dr is obvious.
Quote from: K_Dubb on May 29, 2020, 07:38:57 AMit's way more fun if you struggle with a buddy
Quote from: Jojo on May 25, 2020, 02:45:28 AMPerhaps I misunderstood
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 02, 2020, 08:05:24 AMYawn.Some of you people need a hobby. You have way too much fucking free time.God bless y'all, Jackstar Supernova
Quote from: ACE of CLUBS on June 02, 2020, 10:40:53 AMDo you even know what a jackrabbit is?
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 01, 2020, 08:24:14 PMI've got her, just where we want her.
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 01, 2020, 08:24:14 PMStand by, Captain Dubb.
Quote from: SpaceMeowMaid on June 03, 2020, 12:29:51 AMI want to know! What is a jackrabbit!?
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 03, 2020, 01:50:21 AMSomething I haven't particularly been in the mood to buy for you. I'm still paying off all the shoes.
Quote from: SpaceMeowMaid on June 03, 2020, 01:15:46 PMWhere are these 'Shoes'?!!!!
Quote from: Original Larry on June 03, 2020, 01:02:51 PMJackstar, I love you, when I am not hating you. Sometimes you give me a headache. I'll take that beer, by the way.
Quote from: Jackrabbit on June 03, 2020, 01:49:46 PMI'm not going to lie. We think about this during every minute of our pillow talk. As, our pillow talk really is quite atrocious, as one may well imagine. Sometimes bordering on tedious, even. I basically need your accordion on speed dial.My thanks are measureless, overflowing.
Quote from: K_Dubb on June 03, 2020, 03:54:01 PMGosh, I am touched. I can try for something a little softer and romantic but
Quote from: Stellar on June 04, 2020, 02:35:58 AM@JRabbit I understand,