My malignant narcissism has won the upper hand and I now feel forced to share a private email. When Ian Punnett announced on CTC the discovery of a new mammal found in the mountains of Tanzania, I sent him a letter.
For maximum effect, imagine Ian is reading it aloud, on the air.
The letter says:
Dear Ian,
Regarding your recent announcement about the discovery of a new mammal: It wasn't the jet black rump, spindly legs, amber hair, or even the gray face that gave it away for me; though those did come together in some type of grand flashback alignment when you mentioned the discovery during crypto-news.
No, it was the flexible snout aspect that convinced me that scientists had finally located "Debbie." Debbie was a girl I took on a date to the Apollo Twin Drive-In theater in Garland, Texas on October 28, 1977.
Things had been a bit strained as it was, as it was a blind date and I had no idea I would be picking up a girl who was a shared 100 million year old relative of elephants, sea cows, aardvarks and hyraxes.
It was awkward. You might even say
aarkward. Ha Ha.
The Apollo Twin was playing a double feature on both screens that Friday night - The Serpent's Egg and Wizards. Because I so loved the series Kung Fu, I had my hopes up about The Serpent's Egg. How could you go wrong with its director - Ingmar Bergman?
However, after watching the performance by David Carradine in The Serpent's Egg, Debbie and I were both pretty shook up and decided to take a walk during intermission. We grabbed something to eat first, then meandered down toward Screen One. We found ourselves at a picnic table, completely enjoying ourselves near the playground under the theater screen. Remember those playgrounds, Ian? It was like an echoic dream.
The gray light of flickering concession ads and coming attractions washed down upon us, for a moment creating the illusion that Debbie and I were in our own type of motion picture ? one that didn't suck like The Serpent's Egg. We could have been Adam and Eve ? prototype humans born of the Apollo Twin Drive-in, feasting on an Apollo Twin snack shack pepperoni pizza and drinking large watery Cokes.
I say we were drinking our Cokes, but Debbie was actually siphoning her drink with that flexible schnauze, which by that time, had started to kind of grow on me. More than once she had leaned in and given me a little wet nudge on the side of my neck.
I thought it was cute when she reached the bottom of the cup and it made that telltale sound a straw makes when going for that last drop, though the sound she made was a bit more rich in its fleshy timbre.
"Cup empty?" I asked gently. She snorted a little laugh and flashed her big brown eyes at me.
Her haunches quivered.
I felt great.
Years later I would see a film called The Green Mile wherein the guards play the film Top Hat featuring Astaire and Rogers singing
I'm In Heaven for prisoner John Coffey. I felt like John Coffey at that moment.
Unfortunately, the feeling was short lived.
The next feature ? Wizards - began and we decided to watch it for a while from the swings, as we could hear perfectly well on the playground speaker what was happening in the film.
When the narrator began reading about the history of Montagar, Debbie threw down her empty cup and screamed, "Oh my blank God, animation! I can't blank believe it! I'm on a date with a blank blank nerd!"
I'm sure you can fill in the blanks, Ian.
She then bounded off toward the woods adjacent to the Apollo Twin, easily scaling the corrugated metal windscreen perimeter.
I've always felt guilty at the relief that washed over me when Debbie left me that night.
You see, Ian, I didn't go after her.
I remained on the playground, thoroughly captivated by Wizards. I never saw Debbie or her fine pelt again. She may have thought I was a nerd - and I guess I was, of a sort, since I stayed and watched Wizards - but despite that, I can honestly say I really enjoyed petting Debbie.
I'm just glad to hear she's okay, Ian, and that scientists have found her after all these years
I can also state unequivocally, that after all these years, The Serpent's Egg still sucks - which is a difficult thing to proclaim about any work by the great Ingmar Bergman - but even Tim Burton had his Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, am I right?
I still love Wizards and have it on DVD ?.
and sometimes ? sometimes Ian ? when I watch it, I fancy I can feel Debbie's moist little suction cup kiss testing my neck ?
? and
I'm in Heaven.
sincerely,
- "Relieved in Texas"
P.S. Go Apollo Twin! Yeah! (even though it has long since been demolished.)
