I'm going to blow my fucking brains out once and for all.

[analog kid]

tl;dr

[chefist]

Congratulations...you got your attention...

[bateman]

Can this thread be about Bailey Jay now?

[ziznak]

Can this thread be about Bailey Jay now?

Don't open that "can of WORMS!!"

hahah get it... worms... heheh haha... ehhhhhh.... hmmmmm....

[chefist]

Don't open that "can of WORMS!!"

hahah get it... worms... heheh haha... ehhhhhh.... hmmmmm....

[norland2424]

Can this thread be about Bailey Jay now?

Lol

[ziznak]

ok so just put up the "yes/no" poll and let the damn pervs vote....

"yes" makes you gay btw... or like omnisexual.

[BellBoy]

ok so just put up the "yes/no" poll and let the damn pervs vote....

"yes" makes you gay WINNING! btw... or like omnisexual.

FIFY

[NefariousBanana]

Sorry I kept y’all waiting so long.  A lot of things came to a head last night and I kinda just lost it.  I figured sleeping it off would help clear my mind a bit so I wouldn’t do anything drastic.  However, even after thinking about it rationally, I still came to the conclusion that suicide is still probably my best option. 

My name is Austin, I’m 21 and I’m currently a senior in college.  I’ve co-hosted a couple podcasts with MV a couple years ago (Spec Sheet and Train Wreck).  I’ve been on BellGab for a few years, although I haven’t been as active recently as I was when the hype of Art’s return to radio started in 2013.  Most of the time I’ve just been lurking the listen threads while I listen to the podcast, but I’d be in live threads when I could manage to listen to the show live.  Michael even wanted me to be the full time co-host of Spec Sheet after Curtis bailed, but he realized the show was a lost cause and scrapped the whole thing.  During those rehearsals I came out to him about the whole thing, so MV can’t really say he had no idea what was going on.

For starters, this wasn’t a prank.  I know a majority of you figured somebody got ahold of my account or laptop and started posting shit.  All of those posts were mine, even the one in the other thread.  Most of that was just sarcastic shitposting to vent my aggravation. 

Secondly, this isn’t an isolated incident.  I’ve been considering suicide a lot for the past year or so, and I’ve been struggling with gender identity since I was 11 or 12.  I’ve been trying to get professional help (I’ve been in counseling for a couple months, I even went to the university’s diversity center; they had a panel regarding the transgender day of remembrance this Friday, candlelight vigil and all that jazz), but nothing seems to be helping me.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t really be helped at this point.  Everything I’ve tried hasn’t really had an effect on keeping the suicidal thoughts away.  This mental illness has become too great an obstacle to overcome, and the fact I’m struggling academically just compounds it further.  I can’t see any other way out aside from admitting myself, and even that probably wouldn’t help in the long run.   

So I’m probably going to commit suicide some time later on today.  I don’t know when exactly, but it’s going to happen real soon.  I’d like to thank Eddie, Steve, etc for all the words of encouragement, I couldn’t have done it without you.  I’ve been trying to weasel my way out of this for months, but you’ve given me enough encouragement to finish myself off once and for all.  I know my brother and sister are going to be absolutely fucking devastated when they find out (my brother already had a friend kill himself when he was in middle school), but I figure it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  I’ve made up my mind, and there’s very little that’s going to stop me at this point.  I don’t see any way out.

I guess this is your opportunity to ask any questions while you still can.

[GravitySucks]

So go admit yourself.  Death is final, and no need to devastate your family.  Go admit yourself and look at it from another day.

You have no reason to know why you were put on this earth.  Go admit yourself, and give it one more try.

[Inglorious Bitch]

   

So I’m probably going to commit suicide some time later on today.  I don’t know when exactly, but it’s going to happen real soon.  I’d like to thank Eddie, Steve, etc for all the words of encouragement, I couldn’t have done it without you.  I’ve been trying to weasel my way out of this for months, but you’ve given me enough encouragement to finish myself off once and for all.  I know my brother and sister are going to be absolutely fucking devastated when they find out (my brother already had a friend kill himself when he was in middle school), but I figure it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  I’ve made up my mind, and there’s very little that’s going to stop me at this point.  I don’t see any way out.

DON'T DO THIS. Suicide fixes nothing. The pain that you are going through right now will remain with you after you cross over and you may become earthbound. You will feel the pain that you have caused others around you with your death and your own pain will not be alleviated. Things only get worse on the other side and you will not be in a place to do anything about it. You can make changes in your life now and get out of this black hole.

You are not the only one with dark thoughts. Many of us have been suicidal or even struggled with depression over the years. You are certainly not alone. I'm sorry that the "professional" help that you have looked for from health workers has not helped you. Unfortunately, a lot of mental health workers just do maintenance work and provide very little help or healing. Please get in touch with a transgender group that can help you and provide you with empathy as they are going through the same thing themselves.


Here are some links, I don't know how good they are, but it is a start. I realize a part of you may harbor feelings of self hatred as well. We are often harder on ourselves than others are on us.


http://www.translifeline.org/

http://www.transfaithonline.org/intersections/suicide/getting_help/

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/pages/get-help/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAg7ayBRD8qqSGt-fj6uYBEiQAucjOwfCfpFk4WvrVihEBfBn9xVMAXdp0Gn1NX9b1tmgk1sQaAiLK8P8HAQ

http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_suicide.htm


You are an important person. Others on this board care about you without even knowing who you are. Please reconsider. Suicide solves nothing.

[VtaGeezer]

Since he's relatively coherent, he's got to know this forum is about the last f'ing place on Earth to emote on one's personal life.  So I'm in the sick-ass hoax column.

[NefariousBanana]

DON'T DO THIS. Suicide fixes nothing. The pain that you are going through right now will remain with you after you cross over and you may become earthbound. You will feel the pain that you have caused others around you with your death and your own pain will not be alleviated. Things only get worse on the other side and you will not be in a place to do anything about it. You can make changes in your life now and get out of this black hole.

You are not the only one with dark thoughts. Many of us have been suicidal or even struggled with depression over the years. You are certainly not alone. I'm sorry that the "professional" help that you have looked for from health workers has not helped you. Unfortunately, a lot of mental health workers just do maintenance work and provide very little help or healing. Please get in touch with a transgender group that can help you and provide you with empathy as they are going through the same thing themselves.


Here are some links, I don't know how good they are, but it is a start. I realize a part of you may harbor feelings of self hatred as well. We are often harder on ourselves than others are on us.


http://www.translifeline.org/

http://www.transfaithonline.org/intersections/suicide/getting_help/

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/pages/get-help/?gclid=Cj0KEQiAg7ayBRD8qqSGt-fj6uYBEiQAucjOwfCfpFk4WvrVihEBfBn9xVMAXdp0Gn1NX9b1tmgk1sQaAiLK8P8HAQ

http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_suicide.htm


You are an important person. Others on this board care about you without even knowing who you are. Please reconsider. Suicide solves nothing.

Ironically, listening to all of those NDE shows has made me fear death less than I normally would.  Even if it's all just neurons firing and DMT, at least I can leave this mortal coil with a good memory.

Of course I'm harder on myself than I am on others.  I mean, shit, that's what my counselors have been telling me for the past six months.  That reminds me of a time where my counselor had this exercise in which I had to talk to her like I talk to myself on a regular basis.  I ended up making her cry.

[Roswells, Art]

Since he's relatively coherent, he's got to know this forum is about the last f'ing place on Earth to emote on one's personal life.  So I'm in the sick-ass hoax column.

Yep, and it's pretty shitty to blame your death on two posters here.

[SredniVashtar]

I don’t see any way out.

I don't know if you are genuine or not, of course. But, even if you are not, there is a chance that other people may feel similar, so I will give my thoughts anyway.

If you are writing a long post like this then you obviously haven't made up your mind and are waiting to see what sort of response you will get. Suicide makes a lot of people angry because they think you are weak and a loser for opting out of the struggle. I don't, but you have got to stop looking for a way out and face your problems head on. By shying away from them and looking for easy solutions you are merely giving them more power to hurt you than they deserve. Don't forget that as long as you are able to articulate the feelings you have, you are in a much better position than all of those who gave up and can't speak or feel any more. Remember Edgar in King Lear:

'The worst is not
So long as we can say “This is the worst.” '

My advice right now is to stop and think for a while, because there is a part of you that doesn't want to die, and any attempt to off yourself will probably be half-hearted and fail, leaving you severely, if not permanently weakened. So don't take a bunch of pills, for example - you will only end up ruining your kidneys - and there are many other ways that might seem like a sure bet right now, but are more likely to leave you disabled rather than dead. Think of the pain that you might be doing to yourself and reconsider.

Who said that life has to full of joy and laughter anyway? When you go through bad times, and once you reach the other side, you realise that there was a reason for it, and you start to feel proud that you made it through. Throwing up the game right now denies you that opportunity. It might feel as though you are in a tunnel and it is all closing in, but these feelings will lose their sting after a while, and you will find some clarity again to deal with the things that are torturing you.

I can't get inside your head and tell you that things are going to be alright. It may be a long, hard road for you. But opting out right now is not the answer. It cuts short all the possibilities that life may have for you. Can you honestly tell yourself that in six months time you really won't be in a better position? You can't. You are bottoming out right now, and if you can hold yourself together things will start to pick up. It will be slow, but it will turn around.

You are incredibly young to toss your life away. Suicidal thoughts are good sometimes because they give us a release valve. If we can say "fuck it, I've had enough" and remember that there is always the option to give it all away, paradoxically it makes us feel better and we can go on again. I hope that is what is going on with you.

Don't let the destructive part of you give it all up. You have a long life ahead of you, but remember that it can often be hard, but it is all part of the experience, and you should allow yourself to be open to it.

Best wishes.

[Albemuth]

Top 10 reasons to NOT off yourself at 21:

10) Think of all the good books you haven’t read yet.
9) Most religions are in agreement that suicide really is the least advantageous way to leave this mortal coil…Give some thought to what you’d be doing to your eternal cosmic make up.
Think of all the good albums and bands you haven’t heard yet.
7) Who’s going to enjoy your bike when you’re gone? Might as well be you.
6) Dogs, cats, ferrets, etc. : Get one that loves you unconditionally (Frequently they’re better companions than people anyway.)
5) Life is redolent with exquisite, fucking mysteries (I’m hanging around to find out who did kill Kennedy man…)
4) Think of the good you could do for people with real problems (poverty, cancer, AIDs, refugees, the fucked-up environment â€" pick one â€" and WORK to make it better.)
3) In about 20 years your sex drive will start decreasing anyway (so who you’re hooking up with or not hooking up with won’t matter a hill of beans then anyway.)
2) Art Bell !
1) Really, Life isn’t all about you: It's about how you treat other people and the Karma you leave behind. Think about who you’d be hurting that’s still Man enough (or Woman enough) to  stay here.

[Inglorious Bitch]

That reminds me of a time where my counselor had this exercise in which I had to talk to her like I talk to myself on a regular basis.  I ended up making her cry.

The tape we play in our heads over and over is brutal and has little to do with reality. You need a different tape. Have you considered meditation or past life regression? I know those things may sound kooky to some, but I am a firm believer in these as healing methods. People who know a lot about past life regressions say that in many of our lives we reincarnate as the same sex over and over again. At some point, we need to reincarnate as the opposite sex. We also change races and ethnicities to learn what must be learned from different perspectives. It could be that you feel strange as this gender because you are usually another gender. At least you are being honest with yourself now, which takes a lot of courage. Look at someone like Kaitlin Jenner, whom it took 60 something years to be honest with herself. You're already 40 years ahead of her.

[SredniVashtar]

Since he's relatively coherent, he's got to know this forum is about the last f'ing place on Earth to emote on one's personal life.  So I'm in the sick-ass hoax column.

I don't know, and neither do you. Coherence has nothing to do with it. Even if he isn't genuine, I am sure there are many people who are/were in that position and could do with some reassurance. Someone coming on here saying that stuff could very well mean that that they are genuine, because it's not something someone in their right mind would do. I can imagine someone blindly reaching out hoping that there will be a person who can understand. There is no reason to think that suicides follow a textbook.

[BobGrau]

Ironically, listening to all of those NDE shows has made me fear death less than I normally would.  Even if it's all just neurons firing and DMT, at least I can leave this mortal coil with a good memory.

Of course I'm harder on myself than I am on others.  I mean, shit, that's what my counselors have been telling me for the past six months.  That reminds me of a time where my counselor had this exercise in which I had to talk to her like I talk to myself on a regular basis.  I ended up making her cry.

Ha yeah been there. What these people often don't understand is that a problem fully shared can be a problem doubled. It's difficult for me to answer the question "why are you depressed?" without convincing you that I'm right. Apologies for my flippant replies earlier, I didn't think you were serious. As someone who rides this train too sometimes, all one can offer is empathy.


Oh, and lots of QI. I try to absorb some comedy every day before I have to deal with other people.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU3sZgh5xeM

[chefist]

If this is serious, then go get help immediately and call a suicide prevention hotline...

1 (800) 273-8255

If it's a hoax, then you are a complete waste of a human being...

[Eddie Coyle]

I’d like to thank Eddie, Steve, etc for all the words of encouragement, I couldn’t have done it without you.  I’ve been trying to weasel my way out of this for months, but you’ve given me enough encouragement to finish myself off once and for all. 

      Jeez, am I going to be racked with guilt today.

      Because I took the last donut. About your demise...meh.

[K_Dubb]

Oh, and lots of QI. I try to absorb some comedy every day before I have to deal with other people.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU3sZgh5xeM

I fucking love QI!  God bless the people who put it on Youtube for us furriners.

The thing that helps me is to realize that it's kind of like weather, and some of us have to live in stormy places.  But with time you learn how to dress for the weather so you don't get so cold and wet.  For me, that's strong black coffee, a smoke or two, an hour of music and sitting with my dogs every morning.  And knowing that the sun eventually breaks through, like it's doing gloriously this morning after a week of rain and wind.

Trite sympathy from strangers, man, but you asked for it, so I'm gonna give it.

[ponyboysunset]

In 20 years, you'll be perplexed at how you felt this way about yourself. And fuck your family if they don't like who you are. Find a new family.

My family did the same to me for awhile when I came out as a lesbian and currently they aren't talking to me. Does that stop me from having fun and making friends and a new family, no, it doesn't. It gets better. But then again I have never hated myself for being gay. In fact, I love that I am gay and wouldn't change it if I could. So step one, love yourself.

And actually regarding the forum being supportive, a lot of people were awesome to me after my fucked up break up this summer and really helped me. We all suffer, we all get depressed. Find something to live for even if it's just a concert, or event, something. When I quit drinking I stayed sober by finding something to look forward to each day. It worked. I'm still sober almost three years later. Hang in there.

[ItsOver]

...  That reminds me of a time where my counselor had this exercise in which I had to talk to her like I talk to myself on a regular basis.  I ended up making her cry.

Now we're talking.  ALWAYS look at the positive side.  Hell, death eventually comes to us all.  Why speed things up and run to it?  Things could be worse.  You could be Dave Noorie.

[BobGrau]

My family did the same to me for awhile when I came out as a lesbian and currently they aren't talking to me. Does that stop me from having fun and making friends and a new family, no, it doesn't. It gets better. But then again I have never hated myself for being gay. In fact, I love that I am gay and wouldn't change it if I could. So step one, love yourself.

And actually regarding the forum being supportive, a lot of people were awesome to me after my fucked up break up this summer and really helped me. We all suffer, we all get depressed. Find something to live for even if it's just a concert, or event, something. When I quit drinking I stayed sober by finding something to look forward to each day. It worked. I'm still sober almost three years later. Hang in there.

Yeah I can see the sense in posting publicly. There are various people here that I'd be tempted to speak one to one with in a situation like this, but it would feel unfair to single anyone out. And you wouldn't get honest responses that way, the person would understandably feel a need to tread lightly. Better to just feed it into the internet and then see what slops out, all over your shoes.

[ponyboysunset]

Yeah I can see the sense in posting publicly. There are various people here that I'd be tempted to speak one to one with in a situation like this, but it would feel unfair to single anyone out. And you wouldn't get honest responses that way, the person would understandably feel a need to tread lightly. Better to just feed it into the internet and then see what slops out, all over your shoes.

Met one of my coolest new friends by sharing and helped a few others. If I can share my story and help anyone else along who is hurting than I do. I am not ashamed at who I am nor do I fear anyone's reaction. It was more that I wanted to feel less alone and that others had been through what I was currently dealing with. Onan recommended a great book, met several new friends, and got my life back on track. The forum is full of a lot of awesome people and some not, just like life. Then again I make friends easily. Just offering a kind word along the way and to say it gets better.

[Albemuth]

If this is serious, then go get help immediately and call a suicide prevention hotline...

1 (800) 273-8255

Really is the best advice here. Good call.

[analog kid]

Sorry I kept y’all waiting so long.  A lot of things came to a head last night and I kinda just lost it.  I figured sleeping it off would help clear my mind a bit so I wouldn’t do anything drastic.  However, even after thinking about it rationally, I still came to the conclusion that suicide is still probably my best option. 

My name is Austin, I’m 21 and I’m currently a senior in college.  I’ve co-hosted a couple podcasts with MV a couple years ago (Spec Sheet and Train Wreck).  I’ve been on BellGab for a few years, although I haven’t been as active recently as I was when the hype of Art’s return to radio started in 2013.  Most of the time I’ve just been lurking the listen threads while I listen to the podcast, but I’d be in live threads when I could manage to listen to the show live.  Michael even wanted me to be the full time co-host of Spec Sheet after Curtis bailed, but he realized the show was a lost cause and scrapped the whole thing.  During those rehearsals I came out to him about the whole thing, so MV can’t really say he had no idea what was going on.

For starters, this wasn’t a prank.  I know a majority of you figured somebody got ahold of my account or laptop and started posting shit.  All of those posts were mine, even the one in the other thread.  Most of that was just sarcastic shitposting to vent my aggravation. 

Secondly, this isn’t an isolated incident.  I’ve been considering suicide a lot for the past year or so, and I’ve been struggling with gender identity since I was 11 or 12.  I’ve been trying to get professional help (I’ve been in counseling for a couple months, I even went to the university’s diversity center; they had a panel regarding the transgender day of remembrance this Friday, candlelight vigil and all that jazz), but nothing seems to be helping me.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t really be helped at this point.  Everything I’ve tried hasn’t really had an effect on keeping the suicidal thoughts away.  This mental illness has become too great an obstacle to overcome, and the fact I’m struggling academically just compounds it further.  I can’t see any other way out aside from admitting myself, and even that probably wouldn’t help in the long run.   

So I’m probably going to commit suicide some time later on today.  I don’t know when exactly, but it’s going to happen real soon.  I’d like to thank Eddie, Steve, etc for all the words of encouragement, I couldn’t have done it without you.  I’ve been trying to weasel my way out of this for months, but you’ve given me enough encouragement to finish myself off once and for all.  I know my brother and sister are going to be absolutely fucking devastated when they find out (my brother already had a friend kill himself when he was in middle school), but I figure it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.  I’ve made up my mind, and there’s very little that’s going to stop me at this point.  I don’t see any way out.

I guess this is your opportunity to ask any questions while you still can.

Please do try again at seeking help, and if you need someone to talk to, please message me. As a person who suffers from major depression, I know that feels like hollow help at best. But I can tell you honestly that things get easier the older you get. And seek good, professional help. Getting a full diagnosis of what mental illness your struggles may be caused by lets you define it and conquer it.

If you have serious depression, which it sounds like you do, you gotta know that the depression is coloring your thoughts, and you're not thinking rationally. I know I've had plenty of times when things seemed make or brake, but during times of wellness, I could easily shrug those same difficulties off as inconsequential.

There are solutions, there's nothing wrong with you as a human being, and you can live a fulfilled life no matter what the obstacles.

Have you tried mindfulness meditation practices? Mindfulness will let you separate yourself from those thoughts, and look at them from a neutral and analytical standpoint, not allowing them to control you.

You can and will figure it out, and be a better person for it, and fuck anyone who has a problem with you or what you're facing. You need to be around people who are more accepting if that's one of the issues.

Drop out of school for now if you have to. This is more important and you can get back to that at a later date. If anyone has a problem with that, fuckem.

I did commit myself at one point, and it was a rocky motherfucking road. It took a while but it was ultimately a life saver.

[NefariousBanana]

Ha yeah been there. What these people often don't understand is that a problem fully shared can be a problem doubled. It's difficult for me to answer the question "why are you depressed?" without convincing you that I'm right. Apologies for my flippant replies earlier, I didn't think you were serious. As someone who rides this train too sometimes, all one can offer is empathy.


Oh, and lots of QI. I try to absorb some comedy every day before I have to deal with other people.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU3sZgh5xeM

It's funny you mention comedy.  I've been trying to start doing stand-up recently.  Never got around to trying to perform a set at any of the local open mics.  Over the past year I've made acquaintance with someone who's a semi-popular comedic writer.  We're both trans and we both have the same kinda snide and sarcastic way of looking at things.  He digs most of my material, and he's encouraged me a couple of times to try it out.  We've both had similar experiences dealing with self harm/self loathing/suicide/etc. 

[analog kid]

Also you might try /r/depression and  /r/suicidewatch, and there are most likely transgender subreddits with people who are going through the same things you are. Tons of people there to help.