BellGab.com Archive

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The owls are not what they seem.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

To celebrate today's earthshaking bigfoot news while at the same time paying homage to Google for constantly sending up Christian Singles banners. PNG format.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Nostalgia.  I've wondered for years what defines this, regarding objects.  What are the limits?  I own old distressed items and use them for decoration.  While it might be aesthetically pleasing to display thirty pounds of 1919 72-key Victor adding machine on your business desk, will a 1970s TI500 LED calculator from Texas Instruments ever look "cool" lying around?

If a time traveler from the PAST visited, would he walk around my home and ask "What's with the old shit? Why do you have all this trash in your house?  Are you poor?  The future doesn't look too well if you're reusing our old crap.  What's with the wheelbarrow full of wisteria in the front yard?  Someone forget to dump it and things just grew?"

You may have seen houses in rural areas that put a piece of old rusting farm equipment in the front yard.  Looks like modern art.  The spikier the better.  (looks at Spikegirl) The more it looks like a torture device, the better.  (looks at her again) It looks like sculpture. (and again)

But can we project ourselves a hundred years into the future and watch a man place a rotting Snapper riding lawn mower in his front yard to evoke an old time feel?

One man's trash can be another man's art, but I do believe there are boundaries that will never be crossed.

I have a theory.  It has to do with lines.  The appreciation of lines.  Anyone can appreciate the design of the 8 track tapes themselves.  Retro Futuristic.  Hold the music in your hands.  Screw vinyl.  Go Star Trek.  The tapes came in bright colors bordering at times on the psychedelic.  The smooth edges evoke an organic aspect that can be appreciated by an infant or a 75-year-old Trekkie.

You haven't listened to Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy until you've heard it on an 8 track cassette with an International Orange plastic housing while blazing through Dallas, Texas in a '69 Cougar.  (two tone, red with black top, flip those spinning headlights...)

Will people one day look upon VHS tapes with nostalgia?  I don't think so.  The lines are all wrong.

Or, God forbid, will audio cassettes be able to attract the same attention in the future?  I HATE cassette tapes.  I hated the automobile industry for insisting on putting those damn cassette players in cars until fairly recently.  There is always a cassette graveyard in thrift stores, near the VHS tapes.  The never sell.    Peter Frampton LIVE will be on that shelf until doomsday, as will Foghat LIVE, and April Wine (Nature of the Beast album.) 

Trapped in cassette hell - their only hope perhaps, a crusty truckdriver who likes old rock and has a Blauplunkt cassette stereo in his rig.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

P.S. It must be said I hold great affection for microcassettes.  Convenient, pleasing to the eye, and even a shade cartoonish, they represent the culmination in consumer audiotape evolution.  If early reel to reel represents Eosimias sinensis, surely the microcassette is Homo sapiens.

* Free yourself from the confines of time

* Shatter the prison walls of your five sense

* Deploy the power of intuition to see the future

* Facilitate the power of lucid dreaming

It now becomes clear as to my ultimate goal in creating this topic.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Worker-in-the-Light-by-George-Noory-CD-Audio-book_W0QQitemZ150192562886QQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p3286.m20.l1116

(we should petition Noory to put it on 8 Track.)

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Nostalgia is fine in small doses.  You should see my house.  I really do have an OMNI collection that should be outlawed.

Speaking of OMNI, to push MV further, I will hit a different nerve.

Let's take a walk down memory lane with this 4Mghz, 64K monster, which was featured in various issues of the magazine - the keyboard usually manned in the ad by a clean cut Morman:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Eagle-II-CP-M-Computer-Z-80-Works_W0QQitemZ200241563754QQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p3286.m20.l1116

This is really hitting where the heart is.  MV is a lover of tech but how will he ~process~ the asking price of the above item?

(Packing up all the 8-track tapes, now that I know where to send them.  Hotel California, Rubber Soul, KISS Dynasty, Zep IV, and OH, VAN HALEN.)

Seriously, at least the 8-track player was only $5 plus $12 shipping. (I actually considered bidding.  You know, just because.  Don't tell me you haven't done this before, people. It's like I'm thinking to myself Well, this putz doesn't deserve to get it THAT fucking cheap.  Think I'll bid on this shit myself.  That'll teach him a lesson.  If I win it, I can always resell it.  Maybe even to him.  Am I the only who has ever thought like this?) 

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Welcome to the STRANGE AND TRULY ODD on ebay.   I need help on finding interesting listings.  If you post an item, consider returning in 90 days and removing it, as it will become a dead link.


First up is the ever indespensable 8-track player for your automobile.

I don't know what is more enigmatic, the fact someone thought they could sell this in the first place, or the fact there is a bid on it.

http://cgi.ebay.com/8-track-car-player_W0QQitemZ170249043270QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item170249043270&_trkparms=72%3A1074%7C39%3A1%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C240%3A1318&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

    Number Two: I am definitely an optimist. That's why it doesn't matter who Number One is. It doesn't matter which "side" runs the Village.

    Number Six: It's run by one side or the other.

    Number Two: Oh certainly, but both sides are becoming identical. What in fact has been created is an international community ? a perfect blueprint for world order. When the sides facing each other suddenly realize that they're looking into a mirror, they will see that this is the pattern for the future.

    Number Six: The whole Earth as the Village?

    Number Two: That is my hope. What's yours?

    Number Six: I'd like to be the first man on the moon.


-The Prisoner, episode:The Chimes of Big Bend, 1967



CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Noory said Loren Coleman would be a guest for the first hour on Friday, regarding the fake Bigfoot body crap and a DNA revelation.

He told the audience to "Circle your calendar."

CIRCLE MY CALENDAR?  How about "Mark your calendar," or "Circle that on your calendar?"

(Why does George often skip important words?)

George then solemnly informed listeners that this Friday is NOT April 1st... "So we can rule that out."

If I had a gun in hand this second, I would put six slugs into a neighbor's car just to DISCHARGE THE DISGUSTING MENTAL CONTAMINATION.

Noory's whole propping up of this Bigfoot scam is annoying as hell, too.

It would be far more entertaining for Noory to call Sylvia Browne and ask her if Bigfoot exists or not.  Hell, bring Montel on, too.  Montel has the same fake-ass  vocal inflections as Noory.

Montel: George.  George.  We SAW IT!  WE SAW BIGFOOT!
George: I love it.
Sylvia: And when we followed it, it led us to an underground alien base.
George:  Any dead miners with that?
Sylvia: What?
George: I said 'any dead miners to go with that?'  You know, with the underground alien base.
Sylvia: I don't think that's funny. (clicking fingernails)
Montel: Come on, George.  Be cool.
George: Hey! She is the one who brought up things underground, Monty.
Sylvia: You're a fucking shithead.
George: Now, now, Sylvia.  Don't make me kick you off Coast for another three years.
Sylvia: Eat shit.
Montel: Sylvie, baby.  Relax, girl.  Noory's whacked. Everythang's cool.  We cool.
George: So.  Bigfoot.  Real or hoax?  Sylvia, we're recording you.
Sylvia: You godless cocksucking bastard.
George: I'm marking you down as "Bigfoot real." Monty?
Montel: No comment, Mr. Noory.
George: Okay.... "Monty agrees with Sylvia because he's her bitch."
Montel: Don't make me cut you, mofo.
Sylvia: Where are my goddamn cigarettes?


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

I always imagined Barbara Simpson looking like Lee Meriwether, circa 1966.

This is what men want.  We want the heels.  We want the form fitting black metallic suit.  We want the belt.  We want the clawed gloves.  We want the mask.

And by God, we want the cat ears.  And we wanted it all on Barbara Simpson when she hosted CTC.

Mate with me, you hellcat radio bitch!

Reowrrrrrrrrrrr


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: adambrower on August 10, 2008, 12:47:02 AM
ndsipe pomu?

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
-LC

"Reworb mada, Adam Brower!
Catching fish in the aetherspeak...
Bombtrons strobling in a shower,
As Breezepork Chieftain's light twin peeks."
-CA

"There's something dark in those woods."
-Sheriff H. S. Truman


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: Meegle on August 08, 2008, 09:30:43 AM
Amen!

It's kind of pathetic (for me) how much George can set me off. Can't I envision a more inspired form of living for myself? It is nice now to have this board as a resource (ala group therapy) so that I don't have to feel alone in my ire and/or hold in my bitterness towards hearing this idiot...

Why don't I just stop listening? (somewhat rhetorically)

Agreed.  The board is definitely cathartic. It will be interesting tracking the site's  evolution as membership grows, increasing "the therapy" so to speak.

The bigger the group becomes, the more revealing the gestalt ... until eventually the site itself becomes sentient.  The rising of the beast... A precursor to the end of time.... the complete destruction of....

Ooops.  Nekkid inbound pics from Spikegirl.  Gotta run.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: Pirate King Atomsk on August 08, 2008, 05:04:23 PM
I find George to be more amusing than angering.

Excellent attitude and ability, Pirate.   Would that I could indefinitely run at such normal operating temperatures.

I cycle - going for long stretches of gently deconstructing Noory while attempting to write humorous (admittedly, sometimes obscure) bits for the site.  For me, it's all about the humor and pulling in a particular slice of the demographic pie for MV, while taking a break from work to write whatever pops into my head. 

99% of the time, I am having a damn good time when posting.

But every so often, I come to a boil.  In that situation, it turns into a purging due to "intellectual frustration" and "sheer disbelief" at what I just heard Noory say.  It makes one wish for a punching bag adjacent to the computer desk.  Punching bags are excellent discharge mechanisms.  Perhaps one of the best.

I tune in sporadically and that lowers a certain type of resistance.  You come back after a few days and hear him and you just want to take a fucking hammer to the radio. 

Despite my cycling, or my off and on listening, Noory's suck factor remains remarkably intact, efficient and dependable - approaching a point of violating entropic principles.  How can he JUST KEEP ON SUCKING?!

It's beyond human.  It's beyond suck.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

3:43 AM CDST

"Do you ever wake up and just feel strange?"

Noory inserted this question during a discussion of cardiac problems.  When the guest, Christian Wilde, asked if George meant "strange" from a cardiac perspective, George answered, "No. Mentally."  George then asked, "Could you be having strokes?"

Also, Wilde correctly anticipated the top of the hour was up and was telling George goodnight.  This was like shooting fish in a barrel for Noory, who ALWAYS screws up the sign off and rushes everyone away.   But no.  Noory refuses to shoot this fish, no doubt SCARED TO DEATH he will have to carry the show on his own for two minutes.

Noory veritably screams in that fake-ass carnival barker shit manner: "WHERE YA GOIN'? YOU STILL HAVE TWO MINUTES!  LET'S TAKE ANOTHER CALL!"

The final call turned out to be a complicated question, and a stupid caller at that, who wouldn't let Wilde ask questions, and ultimately, GEORGE FUCKING CUT THE CALLER OFF BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF TIME!.

George then proclaimed "Well, that's our contribution to mankind!"

What a DELUSIONAL TWIT!!!!!!!

Someone crucify me with rusty spikes onto a creosote soaked railroad cross TAU!

NOORY IS AN IDIOTIC BUMBLING FUMBLING CHOWDER HEAD.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

When Noory Says something that TRULY just PISSES ME OFF to the point of becoming physically ill ...

Before experiencing arrhythmia, blurred vision, or before committing homicide, I come here to confess my sins...

The Black Sword of the Pissed Off Realm feeds the need for bleed.

****ADMIN EDIT**** ignore this message.  i had a problem merging this topic.

Quote from: Meegle on August 07, 2008, 02:48:11 PM
"Could you hover indefinitely?" (Almost as good as "...could it be a portal?")

"I don't want to take a fucking non-stop flight." - George Carlin

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

A joke I just made up, which I am sure has been made up before:

A newborn Eskimo with the ability to speak said:

"Jesus!  It's goddamn cold in here!"

To which his father said:

"Better get used to it, Son."

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: Spikegirl on August 04, 2008, 07:48:21 PM
Saw this and thought of you:

Definitely my style.  I like old advertising pictures with spoofed captions.  It's a beast unto itself. (Perhaps good t-shirt material.)  The next banner I create might use some 1940's-50's advertising art or a film noir/pulp fiction reference.   Here's a quickie:


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT   

George's latest egregious trespass that I've noticed:

Attempting to master (subconciously or not) a deep chuckle similar to Art Bell's. 

Listen for it - you will be sickened to your core.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

To be a candidate for cryogenic storage, one must not become brain dead? but rather, suffer a cardiac death, which leaves the brain tissue viable for a longer period for harvesting - some say up to 16 mins before irreparable protein damage, some say 8 hours.  If the former, then ALCOR better be at your side when you kick the bucket fantastic.

(? Therefore, George Noory can never be a cryogenic candidate.) 

As far as my opinion on ALCOR's services (interestingly located in one of the hottest areas of the country, Scottsdale, AZ):



CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

addressee
Betty Maxwell
221 Fifth Street
Kalispell, Montana

Could not cable sooner.  Commanding Officer said you were notified on September Fourth that I am okey dokey pokey. Thank God War is over.  Will begin construction on new store when I come home.  All higgledy piggledy here but relieved.  We lost Earl Kowalsky in final manuever.  Earl saved my life in July.  I am bringing home the Emerald Tablet Earl and I found in Memphis, Egypt. Will place it in storefront window for Good Luck. Full moon tonight.  Look at it and think of me. Can not wait to see you, darling. I will be home by Christmas. What do you think of "Camazotz Automat" as store name? Love, always. - Harvey

Quote from: PhantasticSanShiSan on August 05, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
What are you doing with pictures of the view from the balcony of Dicky Hoagland's Dream-House?

AKA Tricky Dick's Shangri-La.... George's Getaway Wasteland Timeshare where he contemplates the mediocrity of it all.

Btw, anyone else notice how Americans were holding their collective breath in the wake of Morgan Freeman's accident?  Almost as if they were wondering if he would resurrect had he been killed.  No one was saying it. 

But they were thinking it - clamping at the bit (surgeon humor) - at the ready to pen the Book of Morgan.


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Phan's photo bears a spiking resemblance? to the intersection in life Tom Hanks as Chuck Noland found himself contemplating at the end of Castaway.

? as in volleyball; see Wilson

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: Spikegirl on August 04, 2008, 06:44:00 PM
I got a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style to read just for kicks. Maybe that makes me a little weird.

Quote from: Camazotz Automat on August 03, 2008, 08:40:19 PM
While Noory traded Elements of Style for Elements of Suck, performing a strange, bastard alchemy.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: PhantasticSanShiSan on August 04, 2008, 10:58:30 AM
Should this thread be renamed "George Noory Quotations from Vandeven"?

Quote from: EvB on August 04, 2008, 11:31:06 AM
This entire topic is starting to give me HIVES!   

"Starting to give", or "Beginning to give?" 

Do people who use sign language critique each other?

"Sloppy signers should be executed.  It's like watching rotting zombies, what with all the half-ass shoulder lurching and deadpan facial expressions.  Makes my toes curl backward into elf-shoe points, goddamn it.  Lazy bastards.  Makes us all look bad.  It's bad enough we can't hear what the talking heads are saying behind our backs, but now we can't understand each other.  The other day I couldn't understand a damn thing Morty signed.  He was just flailing away, as if I could read his mind.  And what about that guy with the hooks instead of hands?  It's as if he's signing with a pirate accent 24/7.  Does he do that on purpose?  Does he think it's cute?  Who is he?  Johnny Deaf Captain Sparrow? 

I bought some new earplugs the other day.  What for?  You tell me.  Can you stop signing for a second and hand me the mustard?  That's it.  Just hand me the jar.  Don't sign with your hands full, schmuck.  It's not polite."



CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: EvB on August 04, 2008, 12:20:34 AM

What software do you use?  I use Photoshop, SnagIt, Illustrator, and a free Microsoft gif compiler (once the "art" is done) for the gif banners. 

I?m using some older abandonware.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: EvB on August 03, 2008, 09:13:00 PM
Thanks Spikegirl - I appreciate it.  But I STILL don't think anything quite comes up to Cam's S&M ball banner. 

I need you as my agent.

P.S. TWIMC: I reduced the dimensions of my signature graphics.  Please hit your reload/refresh button to get those monsters under control.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: PhantasticSanShiSan on August 03, 2008, 06:50:50 PM

He Traded Funk & Wagnalls for Scotch & Soda

While Noory traded Elements of Style for Elements of Suck, performing a strange, bastard alchemy.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: PhantasticSanShiSan on August 03, 2008, 10:03:11 AM
13.  He started each chapter with a famous quote by Shakespeare.

He started the Suckmobile with a twist of Mercury's key, but when he started each chapter, the bibliography made an incredible knocking sound due to abnormal detonation.

Higher Octane grammar would later waltz into the picture when he began work on the new script - even as he gave the Fourth Wall the bird; a bird encased in (the) foil like a 1964 Fisher and Sons ... [cough] ... Swanson and Sons turkey communion dinner for Dr. Strangelove.

CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT

Quote from: EvB on August 03, 2008, 10:15:12 AM
I'll just call one of the "pre-need" outfits so my son won't have to arrange a funeral.

I do hope you will consider shopping for your mortuary services at Fisher & Sons Funeral Home. 

We offer - especially for this type of situation - the option of being interred with a pristine copy of the Easton Press edition of H. W. Fowler's Modern English Usage, inscribed by Joe Bob Briggs (First edited by H. W. Fowler - Third edition edited by R.W. Burchfield.)  If you desire a more polished inscription, we will gladly persuade Joe Bob to autograph it as John Bloom - Former Foreign Film Critic for the now defunct Dallas Times Herald.

Bound in luxurious brown leather with gold page edges and gold stamping on the spine and cover, the archival quality paper will last possibly until a Christian Judgement Day or until our humble Sun effects ~Supernova.~  It is a beautiful companion for your journey into the Great Beyond:


At our discretion, we may tip in a Daniel Clowes autograph.  With Mr. Clowe's blessing, Fisher and Sons recovered several hundred extra slips originally intended for the Ghost World hardcover. 

As a special bonus, if you sign today, you will be interred with your choice of a limited edition gold gilt edged Salvador Dali Tarot Deck with suede slip case or a silver gilt edged Baphomet Tarot of the Underworld deck by H.R. Giger.  I must insert a caveat:  The Baphomet deck is a bit "left hand pathy."

It is never too early to plan your exit, but it can often turn out to be too late.


CAMAZOTZ  AUTOMAT