ON THE SNOTBOX By Billy Pineapples

[AZZERAE]

The following copy was written by my good friend Billy in June of 2012.



Blogs. The bleeding heart breeding grounds of self-indulgence and postmodernarcissism in our avant-garden of Eden.

Blogs. Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog. Say it enough and it sounds like you're gargling phlegm.

Coincidentally, that's also what I think of your opinion.

I care not shit for your recipes or music reviews, your instagram fartographs, your film recommendations or your interminable, blathering, freeform poetry.

I, however, have a recipe for you:

INGREDIENTS:

- 2 tablespoons of political views
- 1 cup of middle-class suburban social consciousness
- A pinch of opinionated armchair anarchy
- 2 teaspoons of misplaced revolutionary entitlement
- 1/2 cup of oily, elitist hipsterism

METHOD:

- Shake that shit up until it has a bloggy consistency, then blast it up your ass like a big, sweaty, pop-cultural enema. Best served warm.

The internet was designed for two things: Porn, and porn. And if your blog is not related in some way to porn, despite what your backslapping, glad-handing artfag friends may say... NO ONE cares about it.

So, let's get up on our snotboxes and spit lungbutter on everything, 'cos behind all our smiley winky happy emoticons, that's all we really want to do.

Well, it's what I want to do, and as you may have gathered, my opinion is the only one that counts.

Okay, let's talk about MEMES. What are they? I don't fucking know. But they're almost as irritating as the people who use them.  Little buttnuggets of pop-consciousness floating through our cultural genetics in socio-cancerous swarms. The word 'meme' originates from the Greek 'mimema', meaning 'something imitated'. And I guess that in itself holds some explanation for our postmodern inability to create anything original.

According to Wikipedia, a meme is:

"An idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture, going through the processes of variation, mutation, competition and inheritance."

Sounds like a disease to me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I also take enormous amusement from the use of SMS abbreviations. 'LOL' is particularly hilarious, because I am reminded of the similarly-spelled word 'loll' - which puts me in mind of some drooling catatonic vegetable with rolling eyes and flaccid brain. Not quite 'laughing out loud'.

Another instance that stuck with me was a conversation I had with a friend, in which she literally spoke the letters 'SMH' after I animatedly explained the concept behind the new Sif Ous video. Puzzled, I asked her what this acronym meant, and she spelled it out with a smile: Ess Em Aych means 'Shake My Head'. To this day I am baffled as to why she didn't actually shake her head.

Has it gotten that bad? Are we so vox-wired into the protozoic pig-Latin that has come to pass as language that we cannot even make a simple gesture without acronymizing our action?

Awright, so whaddaya think of Twitter? I don't know how it works, but I reckon the choice of words in its lexicon is fairly telling about the state of humanity... If we're all 'following' one another, we're probably gonna end up going in circles.

Facebook? Fuck that, all my networks are anti-social. Again, a marvellous outlet for people who think the world cares about their fat little newborn hellspawn, or what they're having for dinner, or who they're partying with at the club. But hey, don't get me wrong, I like parties. And dinner. And even children, if they're properly cooked.

The world has become a very sensitive, self-righteous place. Political correctness is at dangerously high levels, yet subterranean bigotry and fear squirm wetly beneath our rainbow veneers. Human history is heat, and it's reaching a boiling point. Our culture is turning to steam, and we can't even tell because we're enjoying the social sauna so much.

So here's my advice:

The world is a joke, and that's the fucking truth. Make yourself a parody of that joke, and nothing can hurt you, ever.

Laugh, laugh hard, and laugh at everything. Because if you lose the ability do that, then you are truly lost.

[Ciardelo]

Waaaay back in the early days, I read an article that made the case that ALL the technological improvements for the internet were inspired by facilitating improved porn distribution.

So we went from postage stamp sized little videos to today's hi-def video because of people wanting poon.