Troll War IV

[Walks_At_Night]

Lots of trolling this afternoon. Let's see what you got bellgab.

Here is a stake in the ground as Mr. Decon expressed a certain level of disappointment in the quality. Perhaps he'll think this is a tad better?  Perhaps not.

A few years back MV had to return to Morocco to complete an important rite of passage. In order to be truly accepted by the Patriarch of Mrs. MV's family, he had to complete the crossing of the great Saharan Erg on foot. All the way from Marrakesh to the Kasbah of Ko-Ro-Ba near the Algerian border, deep, deep in the desert.  He was allowed two companions on this quest. Each person was allowed one item and one item only to bring with them on this journey.

The Patriarch:


MV contemplated his choices of companions carefully. The first choice was rather obvious - it could only be the Mud King. His calm, steadfast demeanor would be a source of strength during this quest (plus the Mudking needed to be around in case a security patch applied to the server that runs bellgab.com induced a kernel panic. Bringing down the site and causing world unrest. Muddy can handle such things in a pinch).  Who else?  Who else indeed?  After much thought, MV settled on Mychael Decon (Mychael with a y and not an i). He figured that Mychael Decon's (Mychael with a y and not an i) experiences of living in the burning sands of El Centro would be invaluable in the desert.

Finally the fateful day arrived at the outskirts of Marrakesh. The three adventurers lined up in front of the Patriarch for inspection.  The Patriarch walked up to  MV and asked him what was the one item he selected for the cross desert journey to the Kasbah of Ko-Ro-Ba. MV said that he brought a waterskin, filled to the brim with fresh water. The Patriarch was impressed. He asked MV why he decided to bring that. "Patriarch, I brought this item to keep me cool in the desert heat.", stated MV. Next the Patriarch stood in front of the Mud King and asked him what he chose to bring. Mud King stated that he brought a waterskin full of Gatorade.  Again, the Patriarch was impressed. He asked Mudking why he decided to go with that. "Patriarch, I brought this item to keep me cool in the desert heat." "Very wise." said the Patriarch - "It has electrolytes you know. Very wise"

Finally the Patriarch stood in front of Mychael Decon (Mychael with a y and not an i). He noticed two things - first here stood a man used to the burning sands of the desert. The next thing he noticed was that he was carrying the driver's side door off a 1973 Chrysler New Yorker.  "My Son", said the Patriarch, "Why on earth would you bring a driver's side door off a 1973 New Yorker on this quest?" Mychael Decon (Mychael with a y and not an i) replied, "Patriarch, I brought this driver's side door off a 1973 Chrysler New Yorker to keep me cool in the desert heat. When I get hot, I can just roll down the window".

[Ciardelo]

...When I get hot, I can just roll down the window".

BWAH HAHAHAHAHA!


https://youtu.be/LTeuHg4dZFw

[Juan]

I figured MV would take anagrammy in case a human sacrifice was needed.

[pate]

Dr. MD MD, K_Dubb and Daniel are braving the wilds of Guatemala in search of heathen tribes people to convert to Christianity, even Mormonism if that is what it takes.  One sweltering evening they are sitting shirtless around the cookfire as the unnaturally quick equatorial sunsets cooking their evening meal;  Chili, tubular meat and rustic campfire hot-dog buns made with quinoa flour.

From the depths of the jungle, faint drum beats and chanting are heard increasing in volume as they grow closer.  It sounds quite ominous:  Daniel shrieks in horror and jumps in Doc's lap, who then utters a soft low moan and leaps into K_Dubb's Lapp.  They cling together in a manly bro-hug as the source of the noise draws near.

Suddenly from out of the bushes, emerge a few dozen native tribespeople.  Inexplicably, they have Nguni shields and Celtic flint axes as part of their late summer jungle ensemble;  along with face paint (heavy on the eye shadow and rouge), tiny bones in their left nostrils and tiny shrunken heads dingle-dangling softly about their necks into their scant but bushy chest hair.  These natives are naturally shirtless, but do have very scant loin clothes covering their naughty bits.

The Three Amigos are quickly bound and tied to long bamboo staves and carried away from their cook-fire back to the native villiage, it is quaint;  thatched huts, the lady tribespeople are weaving various houndstooth, seersucker and puppytooth cloths that will probably be used to make tiny hats for the slowly drying heads that are being gently smoked in one of the nearby huts.

The Three Amigos are rather unceremoniously cut down from their bamboo staves around a rather large cookfire that has a rather large iron cauldron with a broth gently simmering within.  They are left for a few moments in their bindings as they had fallen around the fire, eventually a few of the natives come back and manhandle them into a short line kneeling with their backs to the omininous cauldron.  They are again left alone by the fire while off in an unseen part of the village drumming intensifies and slightly muffled screams and moans can be heard.

After a bit, a man who is apparently the Village Chief approaches, he is vaguely cherubic and sports a headdress that features among its many resplendent feathers a few Ostrich and a quite fashionable breastplate made from what appear to be Rhinoceros horn;  clearly a virile warrior that enjoys female mammary glands and associated other female naughty bits.

This Chief solemnly minces in front of the captive Three Amigos and stands arms akimbo, feet placed widely and his pelvis subtly out thrust at their eye level and speaks:

"You three questionable and indiscreet characters are obviously guilty of trespass on these Our Sacred Lands.  Since you are outsiders, and not used to our Laws and Customs and I am a magnanimous manly Man;  I give you each a choice of Punsihment:  Death or Bula-Bula?"

The Chief strides in a confident and manful manner to stop in front of the Doctor, "You, Death or Bula-Bula?"

In a cowardly manner, the Doc yelps, "Bula-Bula, I don't want to die!"

The gathered natives give out a cheer and start chanting "Bula-Bula!  Bula-Bula! Bula-Bula!" while tearing the Doctors clothes off his writhing body and one of their number begins to plow his nether region with their engorged phalli, to the beat of the chant and their wild laughter.  When they are finished, they unceremoniously cast him to the side where he kneels:  shirtless and weeping.

Now the Chief steps in front of K_Dubb and utters;  "And You, Death or..." --- "Bula-Bula," K-Dubb impatiently interrupts the Chief.

The Chiefs smiles knowingly, winks and makes a gesture to the gathered Tribespeople who then deal with K_Dubb as they had previously dealt the Doctor.  When they are finished, they cast him unceremoniously aside where K_Dubb deftly scrambles back to his knees with a victorious and devil-may-care grin awaiting to see what Daniel's decision will be.

Finally the Chief strides over to Daniel, "And you least of all;  Death or Bula-Bula?"

To which Daniel robotically replies, "I ain't no faggot, nor am I fake!  I would rather die than be embarrassed by having people actually know and see that I take it up the ass:  DEATH!"

A sudden hush falls over the village after such an impassioned speech.

The Chief, smiles wickedly and proclaims:  "Very Well!  Death... by BULA-BULA;  everyone in the village will take a turn!"

K_Dubb leaps to his feet and begs the Chief, "May I join your tribe, and can I go first?"

[K_Dubb]

[Dr. MD MD]

WARNING!
LAME AS FUCK STORY.
What a fucking wasting of time reading this lame shit.

[Jackstar]

.
What a fucking wasting of time reading this lame shit.

This is a bold, declarative statement from one of the main spawners of reasons I don't feel like I have to try very hard here.

[Jackstar]

Let's see what you got bellgab.

I don't see how you expect them to put on a fair representation while I am on strike.

[WOTR]

I figured MV would take anagrammy in case a human sacrifice was needed.

BWAH HAHAHAHAHA!


https://youtu.be/LTeuHg4dZFw

I believe you win the internet (or at least Bellgab) for the day.

[WOTR]

K_Dubb leaps to his feet and begs the Chief, "May I join your tribe, and can I go first?"

A fine story. But did K_Dubb succeed in bringing Christianity to the heathens?*

*Somewhere in there is an easy "they were already Mormon" joke just waiting to be told.