Winter Holiday Thread

[Dr. MD MD]

I watched the part of the gabcast I missed and saw Dan was wondering what I baked for Thanksgiving.  I am still very junior in the family baking hierarchy so I am only entrusted with the sweet potatoes, but this year I did the mashed, too!  Also a sachertorte for my dad's birthday which was the day before.

That’s weird. I really figured he’d be wondering, What’s a Antifa supporting socialist doing living in Palm Springs?!

[Jackstar]

I watched the part of the gabcast I missed

W: "What do you mean he's not on drugs? He's on drugs all the f****** time!"

S: "He's just stoned. It doesn't mean anything. The target is smart, we are only going to get one shot at this. He doesn't care nicotine; he doesn't care cannabis; he doesn't care alcohol; he doesn't care pharmaceuticals; he doesn't care anything. so until he decides to do something crazy, or we decide to plant evidence, we got nothing."

W: "What about when he gets drunk and yells? Can we juice that up?"

S: "Voiceprint analysis came back, computer says he's actually holding it together better than any other human known to science to date."

W: "did you run that on the Dell or the Compaq?

S: "We ran it on everything we could, except for the quantum mainframe, and they're not going to give us more time on that until they get assurance from us that would happen last time won't happen again."

W: "What happened last time? I mean, besides that they couldn't solve the problem."

S: "One of the newbie techs muttered under his breath, "f*** this Jackstar guy, what makes him so important?" I guess he didn't like the extra protocols. Anyway at the same time, his whole family caught fire."

W: "Spontaneous human combustion? No one told me about that cover-up."

S: "It was only every 55th melanocyte on the surface of their bodies. They all had to walk around with checkerboard patterns over every square inch of their skin for about 5 days. Frankly the tech probably needed the lesson, there probably won't be any muttering under the breath in that family anymore, but still: command was clear, no more quantum shit with this guy. He's got too big of a head start. Down in archives, they're saying he's been doing this for 15 years, But there's no reason to think that they're right about that either."

W: "Did they still say we can't kill him? I think it's because they want to study him. Dissect him."

S: "You know the real reason."

W: "I know what I was told was the real reason. Sounds like b******* to me."

S: "We don't have the manpower to track down another dead man switch."

W: "he doesn't have a dead man switch! He's just a fat f****** loser!"

S: "Three people who sat in your chair before you and said the same thing are dead now. As it happens, I agree with you. Nevertheless: protocol says no. So, no."

W: "OH MY FUCKING GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. so you're telling me that we can't kill him, we can't ban him, and the only thing we can do is wait for him to decided on his own to get really really high, and we can't even buy the drugs for him?"

S: "Yep. We're in zugzwang."

W: "WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?"

S: "Somehow--and no one is sure exactly how at this point--the situation has developed, quite organically, into one in which no matter what we do we look bad, and no matter what Jackstar does it doesn't matter to him at all--not only does he probably not care about himself the way a normal person would, nothing that's happened to him lately seems to be bringing him down any. It's uncanny. Even if he killed himself, we'd still be f*****. He's been way out ahead of us on this whole algo thing. we're thinking he's got one that's actually supporting his emotional state with neuro-endorphins."

W: "Tell me just one more goddamn time: What the f*** is an 'algo'?"

S: "We don't know."

W: "is it code?"

S: "We don't know, because when we send someone to ask him, he answered the question fine but all records of the answer have since been lost. Some people higher-up are really freaked out about it. It literally could be anything at this point. And this guy literally implemented half his team before we even noticed there was anything going on. We thought it was some kind of spammed cipher text or something, and we were completely wrong."

W: "is a woman an algo?"

S: "again we don't know. It's been theorized she might be some sort of a carrier, or a literal projection, or... Look, bottom line: since The Event no one knows what the f***is going on with this guy, except... he sure does seem to like drugs a lot."

W: "But you're saying he's not high."

S: "oh, he's high alright: we just don't know on what."

W: "Alright, well: cancel the woman, bring out Fidget and 'Pants. She is not ready for prime time without more information."

S: "Agreed."

W: "Do we even know if she has another surprise recording she wants to play?"

S: "We didn't know that last time either. Jackstar was surprised too."

W: "Are you sure we're investigating the right target? This woman seems like far more trouble than she's worth, meanwhile Jack just sits there and masturbates over the keyboard."

S: "Yeah, but she's bloodline, and he's trash."

W: "Then why is he bulletproof, while she can't manage to open a jar of pickles without bursting into tears?"

S: "it's a complex situation. Apparently the pickles are a trigger or something. I just don't have any reliable data, ever since your crack surveillance team started smoking crack."

W: "I have a team that smokes crack? Since when?"

S: "I'm sorry, Sir: that's classified."

W: "okay, eff this noise. We're changing our approach, effective immediately. Take the girl off the schedule, ramp up the slander, and increase the bounty."

S: "anything else?"

W: "Yeah... Start talking about Falkie again. It couldn't hurt, right?"



This is not my best work. I'm trying to avoid the truth, because I don't want to embarrass anybody, it's so much more satisfying when people do that to themselves.

Geronimo.

[Asuka Langley]

Pedro Christmas merch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSp_LnV3jZM