George Noory Facts

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory is such a simpleton that Ed Dames can use "near viewing" to predict his future.

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory was on Death Row, and because he was a "celebrity," the prison officials agreed to let George select his own method of execution.  George thought carefully about it and announced that he would like a massive injection of the AIDS virus -- toxic enough to kill him in less than 6 months.  As soon as the injection was administered, George made his creepy 'heh, heh' sound, and said:  "I fooled you.  I was wearing a condom."

[Major Ed Damien]

French people become upset with themselves when they can't mangle English like George Noory.

[zeebo]

George Noory doesn't just defeat turkeys ... he sammiches them.

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory's non-comprehension of the big bang theory finally caused Professor Michiu Kaku to commit hari kiri by jumping out a window on the air.  His last words, heard as he screamed on the way down:  "You dumb son-of-bitch!  Now I bang the earth!"

[Major Ed Damien]

Only the Numbers Lady knows George's IQ, hinting "Two digits."

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory is the only human from Earth with a piece of space junk named after him -- the flushing mechanism on a human waste disposal unit.

[Major Ed Damien]

According to Richard Hoagland, George Noory is a NASA experiment that went terribly wrong when a chimpanzee's DNA was accidentally mixed with Hoagland's.

[Major Ed Damien]

During a typical four-hour broadcast of "Coast-to-Coast AM," George Noory's brain cannot generate enough heat to warm a shivering lab mouse's front paws.

[zeebo]

George Noory can single-handedly cause seismic events, by playing such awful bumper music that millions simultaneously fall out of bed trying to click their radios off.  Last time he played that Kenny G tune it registered a 6.1 quake.

[Major Ed Damien]

James von Praagh sees no death in George's future:  "Just kinda . . . real stupid . . . funny kinda problems."

[Major Ed Damien]

UFO Phil is being paid millions of dollars in non-royalties for promising never to record his "Ballad of George Noory."

[Major Ed Damien]

The little voice in George Noory's head is extremely little and peeps like a baby chick.

[Major Ed Damien]

When George Noory emits a fart in the studio, Tom Danheiser collects it in a Zip-Lock sandwich bag "to eat later."

[Major Ed Damien]

Ingesting Dinovite instead of Carnivora by accident one night caused George to hump a stranger's leg, chase a car, and piss all over a fire hydrant.

[Major Ed Damien]

A clown who squirted water through his plastic lapel flower at George Noory was later found decapitated.

[Major Ed Damien]

If you try to ask a question about George Noory on a Ouija board, the planchette will only spell out "D-U-M-B-A-S-S."

[Major Ed Damien]

When George Noory sings an Elvis Presley tune all the women with removed uteruses swoon.

[Major Ed Damien]

There once WAS a coincidence, but George Noory used his knowledge of physics to connect the events.

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

George Noory once stepped into an open sewer thinking it was a portal.  He was later heard to tell reporters "I didn't enjoy spending my day there but at least I wasn't in a desert like Art."  When reminded that L.A. borders on a desert he retorted "Yeah, well Art glued his lips together."

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

George Noory is America's most prominent science educator.  While he hasn't studied science formally, he knows it has something to do with the bible and his gut.

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

George Noory timeline:

2013:  Learned what EMP is.
2014:  Began campaign to protect 'the grid' against EMP.
2015:  Learned what 'the grid' is.

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

George Noory doesn't believe in evolution.  Evolution doesn't believe in George Noory.

[Major Ed Damien]

One time, George Noory saw a kid on his bicycle get hit by a car.

As the child screamed in pain, George -- paying no attention to the busy traffic -- raced over, bent down on one knee next to him and asked:

"How would you like to scream like that on my show?"

[Major Ed Damien]

George got sick of being told he was unfit to carry Art Bell's jockstrap.

So George had Tom Danheiser steal one of Art's used jockstraps.

Later, George asked Tom:  "Where's the jockstrap I told you to get?  I was going to wear that around on my face all week."

And Tom said:  "I ate it."

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory says everybody on his show deserves respect.  But respect said it wanted nothing to do with George Noory.

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory has so many trucker fans that he is the only radio talk show host with a rest stop glory hole named after him.

[Major Ed Damien]

If George Noory could solve just one mystery in the whole universe, it would be knowing the answer to why they named Silicon Valley after women's tits.

[Major Ed Damien]

Ed Dames, a.k.a. "Dr. Doom," once remote viewed and predicted that George would one day wind up on a dialysis machine, and that the dialysis machine would die of embarrassment.

[Major Ed Damien]

George's producers say that on many nights during "Open Lines," George has an open fly.