Any Good Jokes?

[Albemuth]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!?"
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[ge30542]

Husband talking with the wife about how they must cut expenses, "If you learned how to cook", he said, "we could fire the maid".
"yea, and if you learned how to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur" she replied.

[Who]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?  He stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

[pyewacket]

A Soviet made car â€" a Zaporozhets â€" was travelling along the Chicago-New York freeway. After a while it broke down.

A Buick stopped, and took it on tow. Just at this moment a Ford overtook the Buick. Automatically, the driver of the Buick accelerated. The two cars raced at eighty, ninety, then a hundred miles an hour...

The Zaporozhets bobbed along behind on the tow rope jerkily sounding its horn at the Buick to make it stop, because the Zaporozhets was all but falling apart.

The next morning there was a paragraph in the Soviet papers: 'Yesterday a Buick and a Ford were racing at a hundred miles an hour on the Chicago-New York freeway.

Just behind them raced a Soviet Zaporozhets blowing its horn furiously, to get them to give way.'

[pyewacket]

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

[pyewacket]

A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

[phrodo]

A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

So evidently the store had eggs?   

[phrodo]

You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they take things literally.

[onan]

You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they take things literally.

I know the word awesome is overused.

But your joke is awesome.

[Dude111]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Thier weekend assignment was to sell something,then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said.. proudly "My sales approach was to appeal to the customers civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next:


"I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..


Eventually,it was Little Johnnys turn.


The teacher held her breath ...


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,"What in the world were you selling?"


"Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher,


"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"



"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand,I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey,this tastes like dog crap"

Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"


"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy that they say is good,and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."

[pyewacket]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[pyewacket]

A laugh for Monday:

http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_1482_if-famous-brands-were-allowed-to-tell-truth-in-ads/

[Albemuth]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.”

The pirate says:"Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

[zeebo]

An Irishman goes to the pub and orders three Guinnesses at once.  He explains to the bartender it's because he's got two drinking buddies who've moved away, so he drinks a Guinness for each of them so he feels like they're all still together. 

This keeps up for many months.  But then one night, to everyone's surprise, he only orders two.  The bartender gets a worried look, and asks if everything's ok with his buddies.  But the Irishman smiles and replies back "Oh sure, they're fine - it's just I've decided to give up drinking".

[Who]

Tommy fell asleep on the beach.  Three hundred Greenpeace volunteers dragged him back into the ocean.

[Eddie Coyle]

   Robin Thicke copies Marvin Gaye.

   I wish Alan Thicke would copy Marvin Gaye's father.

[zeebo]

A: "What are you doing today?"
B: "Nothing."
A: "But you did that yesterday."
B: "I wasn’t finished."

[Camazotz Automat]

As NASA's New Horizons probe closed in on Pluto, the truth became painfully obvious.

[akwilly]

It's so hard on a chinese man when he gets divorced becouse he sees his wifes face everywhere

[pyewacket]

Not technically a joke but this is how a creative guy coped with his divorce. If you're a fan of Bull Terriers this should give you a good laugh. 

http://www.boredpanda.com/interactive-illustrations-bull-terrier-jimmy-choo-rafael-mantesso/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Dogs+Naturally+Magazine

[Treading Water]

Not technically a joke but this is how a creative guy coped with his divorce. If you're a fan of Bull Terriers this should give you a good laugh. 

http://www.boredpanda.com/interactive-illustrations-bull-terrier-jimmy-choo-rafael-mantesso/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Dogs+Naturally+Magazine

Hahahahahahaha!  Love it!

[pyewacket]

Dangerous Food...
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."

[pyewacket]

Hahahahahahaha!  Love it!

I'm glad you did, TW. I was trying to find another one I wanted to post but couldn't find it at this time. I'll look for more of these and pass them along. 

[Hautex]

Blind man walks up to the bar and asks "anyone want to hear a blonde joke"? The barmaid cocks her rifle and says "I'm blonde and I have a gun, the 2 women on your right are blonde and are tag team wrestlers, the woman on your left is blonde, tattooed head to foot and wears a Harley vest, and the woman that walked up behind you is my bouncer, also blonde with a black belt. You sure you want to tell a blonde joke in here?" The blind man strokes his chin thoughtfully, smiles a little and says "not if I have to repeat it 5 times".....

[Who]

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground. The wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"
The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"
The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building and the wind carries him right back up to the top!
The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!
The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[Hautex]

The doors of the church flew open and there was the devil and his minions! The parishioners ran up to the pulpit and hid behind their minister...all except for 1 little old man.  The devil turned up the fire and brimstone and hollered "don't you know who I am?" The little old man just calmly replied "yup, you're the devil". Confused, the devil screamed "why aren't you afraid of me like all the others"? The little old man replied, "because I was married to your sister and you got nuthin on her"....

[Who]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Caruthers612]

You can't explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they take things literally.

         See, that was a little joke, that you made right there. It involved a play on words and was actually rather funny.

[Caruthers612]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says: “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.”

The pirate says:"Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

      How was there room on his shoulder for a peg leg and a parrot?

[SredniVashtar]

This one came courtesy of Phil Hendrie on his show the other day.

What's the difference between a potato and a chick pea?

You don't pay good money to have a potato on you.