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Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM

pyewacket

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"



Quote from: pyewacket on August 02, 2014, 09:11:45 PM
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Excellent.  Thumbs up!

Yorkshire pud

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.


In the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

 
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.   The rest of us are sending jokes via email.


Eddie Coyle



      What did the gerbil say when the gay couple entered the pet store?

       WOOF WOOF!  MEOW, MEOW!

       (Ya see,the gerbil was pretending to be anything else)

pyewacket

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as she found she had no tit for Tat.

pyewacket

Archimedes, that well-known truth-seeker,
jumped out of his bath with “Eureka!”
He ran half a mile
wearing only a smile
and became the very first streaker.

zeebo

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

zeebo

Some Chinese translations:

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

WildCard

http://www.rodneyohebsion.com/mulla-nasrudin.htm#029
Nasrudin struck up a conversation with a stranger.

Ar one point, he asked, “So how’s business?”

“Great,” the other replied.

“Then can I borrow ten dollars?”

“No. I don’t know you well enough to lend you money,”.

“That’s strange,” replied Nasrudin. “Where I used to live, people wouldn’t lend me money because they knew me; and now that I’ve moved here, people won’t lend me money because they don’t know me!“

pyewacket

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter


pyewacket

A nerd says to his friend, "Funny thing happened to me on the way to the telescope, this girl came up on a bike, took all her clothes off and said to me 'take what you want'"

The second nerd asks, "what did you do?"

"I took the bike"

"Good choice the clothes would not have fit."

pyewacket

After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.


pyewacket

Not sure this qualifies as a joke but these funny notes could have been written by Bellgabbers:

http://www.viralnova.com/stranger-love/

Heather Wade

Why do they call it a roach-clip? 
Because pot-holder was already taken.

pyewacket

I get a kick out of these-

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s when the fight started….

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust..’

And that’s when the fight started….

Quote from: pyewacket on October 25, 2014, 11:43:41 PM
Not sure this qualifies as a joke but these funny notes could have been written by Bellgabbers:

http://www.viralnova.com/stranger-love/

Those are great, and it was fun matching them up with various BellGabbers!

WildCard

"The scratches are because I used a towel that had sand on it to try to clean the dent/paint off. Beeches are fun."

pyewacket

How I learned to Mind My Own Business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13".
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14".



b_dubb

Uhhhhhhh have you seen Falkie's YouTube channel?


wr250

coast to coast am. nuff said.

zeebo

* Warning - nerd programmer joke alert

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT31 = DEC25.

ksm32

Quote from: Yorkshire pud on August 03, 2014, 09:16:41 AM
[attach=1]

HA!

On a separate note.. I never hit a woman unless she falls down the stairs 8)

Quote from: zeebo on November 21, 2014, 01:36:24 AM
* Warning - nerd programmer joke alert

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT31 = DEC25.

Damned fine observation.

zeebo

Quote from: Georgie For President 2216 on November 21, 2014, 01:42:13 AM
Damned fine observation.

Yep, that's about the closest thing to a laugh that one ever gets.   :-\

Quote from: zeebo on November 21, 2014, 01:46:44 AM
Yep, that's about the closest thing to a laugh that one ever gets.   :-\


WildCard



Quote from: zeebo on November 21, 2014, 01:36:24 AM
* Warning - nerd programmer joke alert

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT31 = DEC25.


Quote from: Georgie For President 2216 on November 21, 2014, 01:42:13 AM
Damned fine observation.

Quote from: zeebo on November 21, 2014, 01:46:44 AM
Yep, that's about the closest thing to a laugh that one ever gets.   :-\ 
Reported - this joke did not make me laugh. I googled and it's not just me. Nobody thinks it's funny.

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