The General Musings of Falkie2013 (George Senda, The Guy From Pittsburgh)

[Defwhale]

Senda, what have you ever done for Patty?  What has Kathy ever done for Patty?  I'm not saying it's nothing, because I don't know.  What I do know, because you've told us, is that Patty has done a hell a lot for both of you.  And knowing the two of you, from what you've said about yourselves, I'm guessing you've done very little for her. 

You think Patty should continue this because she's been doing it for a long time?  It seems to me she should have dumped the two of you several decades ago.  It shouldn't be too difficult for her to find a higher class of people to get to know in her new home. 

You and Kath seem to feel awfully entitled.  Can you expand on the why of this a little, help people understand it?

And where the fuck are those March daily cash reports, you money wasting slob?

[dipp]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y56fOq9ZV9w

SMART LADY!
With friends like senda, who needs enemies. I finally have someone to attribute that saying to where it fits.

I sure would love to see what Patty looks like.

and how the fk is PATTY GREEDY? Doesn't sound to me like she takes ANYTHING from you two.

[dipp]

But now how are you going to get to the WooWoo Con in San Mateo. Patty was YOUR ride.

[attachment id=1 msg=764648]
He better start tomorrow.

[littlechris]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y56fOq9ZV9w

SMART LADY!
With friends like senda, who needs enemies. I finally have someone to attribute that saying to where it fits.

I sure would love to see what Patty looks like.

and how the fk is PATTY GREEDY? Doesn't sound to me like she takes ANYTHING from you two.

George and Kathy have  ATTACKED patty Incessantly!! 

George and Kathy have gone to GREAT lengths to try and humiliate Patty by exposing and revealing personal information about the woman.

George has published more than 10 videos to YouTube dragging Patty's good name in the mud and once again accusing her of VERY SERIOUS crimes, specifically RAPE and KIDNAPPING!! 

George and Kathy have known Patty for over 35 years and this is how they treat her.

George and Kathy are SHIT!!

This is how George Senda treats his friends:


https://youtu.be/M13OSIlS8HE



https://youtu.be/G2HrpV_5A2o


https://youtu.be/U37zfqIihwU


https://youtu.be/LLvay9ErSgo



https://youtu.be/Ml8NgaFVHMk



https://youtu.be/Etd6qBY07d8



https://youtu.be/_eRvGaxljsQ



https://youtu.be/mOLpB069kDI

[Defwhale]

Senda and Kathy have two apartments and two storage units between them.  The storage units are 2 hours away by freeway and they no longer have a car.

Between the two of them, they probably have about 3 boxes of papers and personal items of value, and the rest is junk.

Senda, how much are you spending per month on storage, what is that stuff worth, and how much have you spent storing it so far?

[dipp]

Okay, so you were just making a joke.   You're so deadpan at times, it's hard to know.  I'm warming up to your brand of humor though.  I would like to see you go more into your "I'm broke like George" routine.  Give us more details, like what kinds of toys you buy, how far you have to walk (and to where) because you don't have a car, etc.

How dare you attack Brig like that.
JERK. unbelievably immature.

[coaster]

I am drunk, and I know this fat piee of shit is gonna do nothing until the day he dies. He has it made. Government loves him.
That being said, maybe if folks do throw smething at him, something he has to do, even online, why is that so bad? Hes doing SOMETHING.
I used to know a woman like Falkie. Her name was Mary. swear to god. I tried with her. She had a heart attack. Falkies age. Get him to do anything. even if it means walking for a donation.
I am such a bad fucking guy wanting this dipshit to do something. fuck me...what a fucking shame.
all you have here falkie is trolls nd us. one said is pushing you to do something stupid for their own entertainment(trolls) and you have us, giving you hell for believeing them (trolls)
so go do you. Unplug for awhile. Jesus Christ go for a walk. Which two pages ago you said you cant anymore. ack, whatever will you do....
jesus i am fucked  up and so sick of this thread but it is so entertaining. fuck all of you for making me watch this trainwreck

[area51drone]

How dare you attack Brig like that.
JERK. unbelievably immature.

Briggie, they're not getting it!!

[area51drone]

fuck all of you for making me watch this trainwreck

RIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT...

[Yorkshire pud]

I am drunk, and I know this fat piee of shit is gonna do nothing until the day he dies. He has it made. Government loves him.
That being said, maybe if folks do throw smething at him, something he has to do, even online, why is that so bad? Hes doing SOMETHING.
I used to know a woman like Falkie. Her name was Mary. swear to god. I tried with her. She had a heart attack. Falkies age. Get him to do anything. even if it means walking for a donation.
I am such a bad fucking guy wanting this dipshit to do something. fuck me...what a fucking shame.
all you have here falkie is trolls nd us. one said is pushing you to do something stupid for their own entertainment(trolls) and you have us, giving you hell for believeing them (trolls)
so go do you. Unplug for awhile. Jesus Christ go for a walk. Which two pages ago you said you cant anymore. ack, whatever will you do....
jesus i am fucked  up and so sick of this thread but it is so entertaining. fuck all of you for making me watch this trainwreck

Do you want me to cook you breakfast? Booze free.

[dipp]

Briggie, they're not getting it!!

Oh I get it.
And it's still not funny.

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

When you get older, and deal with the associated changes that creep up on you with age, it was really very simple for me.  It's all about location.  The most difficult part is the homework, such as locating a place you can afford, with things like a grocery store, and pharmacy close by.  It helps a lot if you have difficulty getting around, to find a doctor that does home visits.  There are getting to be more and more of those again, with the increase in the aging and disabled population.  Learning to use the internet is another part of the important homework.  Ebay bidding is very useful for limited income, and/or disabled folk.  Sometimes you have to let your "fingers do the walking".


PS:  I'm never broke, I budget.

A clearheaded, concise assessment of your situation, your needs, and your options.  Self-reliant and responsible actions taken to address them.  Not a hint of self-pity or narcissism. 

What a breath of fresh air that was.  My admiration of you has risen faster than SV's crotch bump at a Boy Scout Jamboree. 

[Military Justice2]

George and Kathy have  ATTACKED patty Incessantly!! 

George and Kathy have gone to GREAT lengths to try and humiliate Patty by exposing and revealing personal information about the woman.

George has published more than 10 videos to YouTube dragging Patty's good name in the mud and once again accusing her of VERY SERIOUS crimes, specifically RAPE and KIDNAPPING!! 

George and Kathy have known Patty for over 35 years and this is how they treat her.

George and Kathy are SHIT!!

This is how George Senda treats his friends:


https://youtu.be/M13OSIlS8HE



https://youtu.be/G2HrpV_5A2o


https://youtu.be/U37zfqIihwU


https://youtu.be/LLvay9ErSgo



https://youtu.be/Ml8NgaFVHMk



https://youtu.be/Etd6qBY07d8



https://youtu.be/_eRvGaxljsQ



https://youtu.be/mOLpB069kDI

you are the back stabbing master, and how many times have you revealed personal info about falkie. You are not the good guy here so stop acting like one. Smearing a friend so your shitty little blog can make a few pennies.

[Open Lines Gerry]

RIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT...

Drone - your presence is needed in the Fortress.  George has been looking for you all day, and is not pleased.  I provided cover for you though, so you should still be ok.  Please check in with George IMMEDIATELY - post haste!

[littlechris]

you are the back stabbing master, and how many times have you revealed personal info about falkie. You are not the good guy here so stop acting like one. Smearing a friend so your shitty little blog can make a few pennies.

I don't even know why I am responding to a troll like you, but here goes.

First of all, the site: https://georgesenda.wordpress.com/ is a free site and I do not make a dime from it.

Anyone with half a brain can do the research for themselves and find that out.

Second of all, how have I back stabbed your master?

Reveal personal information about Falkie? lol

No need. Everything we know about the putz is info that HE chooses to share with the WORLD.

Go to my blog and you will notice that all the material has been provided by HIM!!!

Capisce??

GOOD!!

P.S. Thanks for the repost.

[area51drone]

I know this was referenced a bit ago, because it was a major part of why Little Chris was banned from the Fortress, but this is absolutely one of my favorite "neighbor's from hell" video clips.



If you haven't seen the full thing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yuky7-v4QR4

[paladin1991]

ethnic cleansing, you have been watching bull shit central again, over 1 million Serbs were cleansed 1995 by orders from Germany and the 4th riech to Adolf Clinton because scientist figured out the DNA of the Serbs RA1A strand in the strongest Arian  blood in the world, Serbian 60%, Irish and northern Scots 30%, Germany 10%, all is confirmed by your Harvard university. Hitler and his Arianism was actualy based on Arius of the Holy council of Nicea he at the council in 318 A.D. claimed that Christ was not the son of God, as a result he was denounced. Arius was a favorite of the old German Illuminati. My Grandad Mane Bozic was 1 of 11 survivors of the Sabac death camp in Serbia, and my grandmother lost 21 members of her family in the Jasenovac death camp in Croatia during the 2nd world war, you know nothing of ethnic cleansing, it is Arian cleansing that's why thy Germanic Royal Families of England persecuted the Irish and the Scots.

so they let one get away at the Sabac summer camp.  that's your last name?  bozo?   you ever work in a circus?  I'm kidding!  no, really, you ever work in a circus?

[3OctaveFart]

M. Justice, you are a fucking fucknut for quoting a post of 10 embedded videos for one of your single-sentence diarrheal comments.

Get off the thread.

[GravitySucks]

M. Justice, you are a fucking fucknut for quoting a post of 10 embedded videos for one of your diarrheal comments.

Get off the thread.

Thank you

[WOTR]

I am drunk... Unplug for awhile. Jesus Christ go for a walk.

Good advice from the drunk man, George.  Call Paladin and get some program together that you can follow.  Yeah, he makes it sound like he would put you through hell, but he would probably write up something easy to follow and stick with (he knows you won't be doing a 3 hour hike any time soon...)

Or you could head down to starbucks, get a pastry, some sugary drinks and some coffee.  Summer is coming, and soon you will be able to tell us all how it is too hot and you have to sit directly in front of a box fan 18 hours a day without moving. 

So do it now while you don't have that excuse.

[3OctaveFart]

The lives of George, Casio and many others would almost instantaneously improve if they went offline for a set period.

[WOTR]

The lives of George, Casio and many others would almost instantaneously improve if they went offline for a set period.

Count me in that group.  I think it is time to go offline for at least 8 hours.  G'night. 

[Rally Squirrel]

Regarding the Patty rapes Kathy video, George introduces it as settin the record straigh about a story published on Bellgab.

There was no story about Patty and Kathy on Bellgab. It came out around the time Senda's prison rape story, I find that coincidence interesting.

[dipp]

Regarding the Patty rapes Kathy video, George introduces it as settin the record straigh about a story published on Bellgab.

There was no story about Patty and Kathy on Bellgab. It came out around the time Senda's prison rape story, I find that coincidence interesting.

It's probably how they each "get off". Ewe. They were both probably fapping in the other room as each of them told their stories to the camera.
They wouldnt be the first long term couples to tell fantasies to jerk it. Only, their big "o" comes by telling us all about it too.

[coaster]

Ole Snaggletooth. thats his new name. watch him ask for dental work now. that ole' Snaggletooth. money money money. oh, that sweet green. he can feel it in his hand.Ole Snaggletooth.

[Lilith]

George, there is a woman in this video that is wearing a superman t-shirt.  I want your opinion of her vs. Eric Pearl's lovely assistant Diana Bensch!!  If you can, please do a video regarding the people that are the subject of the video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m37mealnWXQ

I had to watch this video over and over again, trying to find the woman in the superman t-shirt.  I'm old and slow you know, so I was looking for a woman in a white T  with the gold and red S on the front for some reason, and was beginning to think I was really loosing it now!  lol's.   I eventually did get to see the woman you mean I think, looks like it's a blue superman zip-up hoodie.  Is that the woman you mean drone?

[Lilith]

George, there is a woman in this video that is wearing a superman t-shirt.  I want your opinion of her vs. Eric Pearl's lovely assistant Diana Bensch!!  If you can, please do a video regarding the people that are the subject of the video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m37mealnWXQ

I felt kinda sorry for Sonny McKracken.  Did I get that name right?  He said he's had a gut full 'o this, and he really did look like he had, poor man.

[SredniVashtar]

Falkie's Christmas Easter Springtime Carol â€" Stave the Fourth (Final Part).

Cast:

username â€" 'Falkie' (An indolent sponge/con artist)

Akwilly â€" 'Pedro' (Falkie's illegal immigrant sex slave)

brig â€" 'The Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come'

Meatie Pie â€" 'Himself' (A visitor/misguided well-wisher)

Sweet Kathy â€" 'Herself' (A failed genetic experiment)

Roswells, Art â€" 'Edna Spoffle' (Sweet Kathy's lesbian girlfriend)

MV â€" 'The Voice of God'



Important Notice:

Due to a contractual dispute, the part of Falkie will no longer be played by Anthony George Senda. We are pleased to announce that the role will now be taken by username, who has kindly interrupted his busy professional career (squeegeeing cars at traffic lights) to learn this taxing role. Although he has had no acting experience, he is a BellGabber, and I think he should be given every encouragement to grow and improve. Preview audiences have claimed that he keeps getting better. Even if he's illiterate, with the IQ of a hamster.


Now, read on..

Falkie awoke with a jerk! The jerk in question was an 18-year-old Mexican sweet-sweeper called Pedro that he kidnapped last night and brutally 'inboxed'. Why was the beaner still alive though? After Falkie raped them he never usually wasted much time in bringing out the good old Pittsburgh neck tie, as recommended in 'Deviant Sex for Dummies'. Something must have happened. Oh, that's right, he'd been abducted by a spirit and forced to watch a bunch of rednecks gumming their way through a smorgasbord of partially-cooked vermin. Why the hell should he mend his ways? He was enjoying his life, and they should all shut the hell up! If that spirit wanted to help he should have given him some money, or helped to clean his apartment, dammit! But, no, they had to lecture him, just like his mother, that hectoring slut!

There was a dark secret in the Senda family history that Falkie never talked about. He didn't get along with his mother. She used to criticise him all the time. She used to criticise his habit of spending 20 hours a day in bed. She used to criticise him for having sex with his sister. She even used to criticise the way he liked to turn his cats into comfy sofa cushions. But what was worse was the fact that she never supported him in his business ventures. Senda had a keen entrepreneurial mind, but the stupid bitch knocked back every suggestion he offered. She lacked vision. What was wrong with a radio station called W-STFU (“All Frank Sinatra, All the Time”)? OK, it would only run for two hours a day, and the breakfast show would start at four in the afternoon, but that just proved that he was ahead of the curve. He was a mover and a shaker. Once he got started it took half an hour for the jiggling to stop. Falkie was getting angry. He kicked Pedro out of bed. If that lazy wetback was still alive he might as well be earning his keep before he pushed him out of the window.

  “Cleanee the goddam apartment, comprende?”
  “No me hablo ingles, Senor”

Falkie furrowed his brow in thought. He only really knew three Spanish phrases: “how much for up the ass?”, “I'll pay you in tacos”, and “what's that behind you?” (before bashing them over the head with a claw hammer), but nothing in the Senda Spanish lexicon equipped him for persuading a naked, terrified immigrant to clean his apartment. There was a sudden tremor coming from the floor - Falkie was getting out of bed. Pedro tried to dive under the bed to take evasive action from the earthquake, but realised he was still handcuffed. Senda staggered to his feet, and plodded round the bedroom, nude. He realised that he had let himself go a little bit over the last few months, and might be getting slightly overweight. He stared into the mirror, and staring back was what looked like a wax hippopotamus that had been left too long near the radiator. He started to wonder what he might do when he began to lose his looks, but that would be a few years away yet. He could still get his fair share, so long as they were drugged and tied up. 

Just then, Senda heard a knock on the door, and shuffled off to open it.

  “Oh, sweet buttery Jesus!”
  “I keep telling you PRICKS,” said Senda, “that if you knock before noon I will almost certainly be nude and semi-aroused. Actually, I thought you were one of those haters come to do another housing inspection. It never fails to bring a postponement when they see me bollock naked.”
  “Just what the hell am I looking at?” said the visitor.
  “Yes, I have a vagina, but that's none of your business,” said Senda. “I'm a haemophiliac.”
  “Don't you mean 'hermaphrodite'?”
  “Stop correcting me!” whinnied Senda. “You're like those IDIOTS who criticise my cinema verite approach to breaking news, and say I'm just a fat lazy asshole who couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. Well, the worm has turned. Call me 'George “Pay-per-View” Senda' from now on. You bastards are going to have to pony up in future. In fact, I am going to charge you a dollar just for opening this door. Fuck all of you people; when I win the lottery...”

[And so on. I have decided to excise this portion of the conversation to spare my readership. As anyone with Senda experience can imagine, this was the start of an epic rant about 'the haters' that lasted some fifteen minutes, during which time he became increasingly incoherent, eventually sounding like a seal that was trying to shit out a garden gnome. You can fill in the blanks for yourselves: his mother, Kathy, his knees, the cats, etc etc]

  “Well, thanks for that, George. Anyway, as you know, I've always felt sorry for you. I think you're a good guy deep down and I find it hard to dislike you â€" even if everybody else says it's well worth the effort â€" so I have come here to try and do you a good turn. I bring good news, George. I have got a job offer for you.

At this point,  Senda went into one of his well-practiced routines where he pretends to have a stroke. Usually this happens in tandem with Sweet Kathy - and while he's writhing around the frozen food section of Walmart like a flabby decoy, she's tip-toeing through the doors with a month's worth of stolen TV dinners - but on this occasion he put on a solo performance that he liked to refer to as “Variation 3 â€" The Dying Swan”. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of seeing it, it involves Senda flopping to the ground, flapping his arms about, and drooling all over his T-shirt.

  “Look, George, I've seen you do this in front of girl scouts, while Kathy steals their cookies, why don't you just hear me out? It's $500,000 a year, and all you have to do is sit at a desk, post bullshit on websites, and read up on news stories nobody gives a fuck about. You can have a motorised wheelchair, your own private jacuzzi and 'happy-ending' masseur. All your meals will be hand prepared by your own gourmet chef, and we have even bought you your own personal George Noory sex doll to keep you company during your lunch hours.”
  “I'll conshider it,” said Senda, still on the floor, his blubbery vocal chords still impeded by drool. “I have a unique skill set, and it's nice to see that recognised for a change.”
  “That's great, so I'll tell them that you are willing to do it. I'll see if there's a camping equipment store around somewhere. There must be an inexpensive tent we can fashion into a suit for you. It's 40 hours a week, so that should give you plenty of time to continue making your videos in the evenings...”

Senda then went into 'Variation 4 â€" The Stunned Mullet'. Basically the same as the other one, except Senda's mouth hangs limply open, giving the impression of a sheep with learning difficulties.

  “Get out of my apartment, you filthy commie! George Senda doesn't allow people to tell him what hours he should work. They ought to be grateful if I show up at all! The next thing you'll be telling me that my so-called 'boss' makes more money than I do!”
  “Well...yes, I'm afraid so.”
  “Yes, massa. Ol' Georgie will tote that barge and lift that bale fors ya, from dawn to sunset. You are aware that slavery has been abolished​? Except in my apartment.”
  “There's nothing out of the ordinary in someone working a nine-to-five job, you know? People do it all the time. Besides, you don't really do anything all day, do you?”
  “I spent ten minutes looking up hairy babies on the internet the other day and you have the nerve to call me lazy! That would take an ordinary person about 50 hours because they are all so STUPID. You're prejudiced against my non-traditional lifestyle and it's time to take a stand.”
  “Well, even standing would be a start. Most of the time you're lying down, glued to the couch.”
  “I reject your offer with scorn and contempt,” said Senda. “Anyway, half a million bucks a year is barely enough to keep Sweet Kathy in Pokemons for a month. The kind of back-breaking labour you propose is why G*d invented Mexicans, now GET THE FUCK OUT!!”
  “Just one more thing, George. I had a long drive to get here and you said your family always refunded travel exp.....”

Senda heard no more as the door was firmly slammed in the visitor's face. Phew, that was a close one! He stumped back into the bedroom. Oddly enough, avoiding regular employment always made Senda murderously horny and he was itching to discuss it with Pedro. He remembered the time Bill Gates made him that job offer (“whaddya say, big guy? We're just chimps compared to you”), and after he used the tried and  trusted “my mom won't let me” excuse he went on a Bundyesque rampage that had California on lockdown for months. The way he used to clean out the fridges of his victims, and the description by a profiler that they were dealing with a “lazy fat bastard”, led to him being called the “BLT Killer”. When he reached the bedroom he found that the room was empty, the handcuffs lying on the bed. Dammit, those things were a present from George Noory and he guaranteed that they even worked on gypsies. He said they were exactly the same ones he uses at his 'meet 'n' greets'. Suddenly he heard a small, quiet voice behind him:

  “I released your little immigrant friend. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but there's something not quite right about covering adolescents in mayonnaise, violently cornholing them, and then dumping their dismembered remains in the river.”
  “STFU!”
  “Mind your language, young man! Remember that I am a kindly senior, and I don't enjoy being insulted by oafish layabouts.”
  “Don't get your diapers in a tangle, grandma. I don't know how you managed to sneak in here in the first place, but it's time to sneak off again sharpish, otherwise you might end up looking like Sweet Kathy after she's slept on her face again,” growled Senda.
  “Why don't you try and make me, fat boy,” she said, a cold gleam in her eye, before grabbing him  by the scruff of the neck, turning him upside down, and banging his head on the ground. “You're fucking with the wrong baby this time, dickhead. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come!”
  “Butnochrmainoeveastenmoe.”
  “Oh, sorry,” she said, turning him the right way up again and smoothing him down. His neck fat had completely covered his mouth. “Please continue.”
  “I said it's not Christmas. It's not even Easter any more,” said Senda, after he'd recovered his breath.
  “Don't blame me,” she said. “Blame that fucking Limey. I suppose it's the lady's prerogative to be late, and that fairy couldn't be bothered  to get his lazy ass into gear for months. It's strange, because he's normally so early in other respects. Some would say 'premature'. “
  “I suppose I'm going to get another lecture, am I? You're going to guilt me into being a respectable member of society? sneered Senda.”
  “Well, not quite,” said the spirit. We have decided that you're a hopeless case. I'm going to beat  you to a bloody pulp and kick around your severed head.”

Senda's mouth opened and closed but no sound came out of it; a familiar experience for anybody who has ever watched one of his videos, where he is too fucking lazy to check the audio. He was crying like a bitch.

  “Just kidding,” she said. “I'm famous in the ghostly community for my practical jokes and sense of humour. I tried that one on Garry Shandling the other day and he didn't see the funny side either.”
  “Look,” said Senda, his chubby knees still knocking together after his fright. “I'm trying to get my act together, but I have had misfortunes in my life.”
  “Oh yes: died five times, Shawshanked in prison by a bunch of black guys till your anus fell out, beaten by your dad till you lost all the blood in your body, hurled into a vat of acid, face raped by Doris Day, your mother kept buying you too many clothes. We've heard it all, darling.”
  “Oh, have I mentioned it before?” said Senda.
  “Yes, I heard a clip from that show you did the other week. Satan popped into to say 'hi' the other day and he told me about it. He says it's on 24/7 in the ISIS wing. I can never work out who is who on that show. There's one guy who sounds like he's auditioning for a part on a low-budget grumble flick.”
  “That would be 'End of Days Mike'. I think he has a sexy voice, actually.”
  “So does he by the sound of it. They should get sponsorship from Kleenex. Is he the grubby little douche who looks like a homeless, retarded Eminem with AIDS?”
  “If by 'grubby little douche' you mean 'handsome stud muffin', then yes. I...I mean 'he', is only grubby because he spends most of his time rolling around with all that hot ass he pulls down. You don't know what a babe magnet my...umm, 'his' show is. Everyone knows that co-hosting a paranormal podcast is the best way to score with foxy chicks. It's only the haters who say that his audience is entirely composed of shut-ins and cat ladies. I gots game, yo!”
  “Look,” muttered the spirit, taking out a sheaf of paper and scratching her head. “I thought you said you were off-book. This isn't in the script.”
  “I'm sorry, but this shit rubs me the wrong way. All I did is host a show and now some jerkoff I've never even heard of is writing me into his shitty little Falkie parody just to get at me. It's no wonder I forgot my lines! Plus this fat suit itches like fuck, and it stinks of piss.”
  “The producers spared no effort to make it as realistic as possible. What you smell has been patented as the 'Sendaroma'. Their chemists scoured bus station men's rooms across the country to synthesise his particular olfactory signature, which is best described as a blend of urine and death, with top notes of semen and diabetic yak.”
  “This has been a rough 24 hours. I was living my life as normal this time yesterday, earning decent  money as a respected gay prostitute, and then someone put a black bag over my head and threw me in the back of a van. The next thing I know I'm strapped to a chair in a deserted warehouse, with some fancy-sounding dude telling me I've got to learn these lines or he'll blow my head off.”
  “Yes,” giggled the spirit. “SV's always had an invidual approach to the audition process. Where others have the casting couch, he uses the casting gurney. May we continue?” she enquired sweetly.
  “I don't have much choice when that bastard has my family held hostage somewhere, do I?”
  “I guess not. Anyway,” said the spirit, clearing her throat and speaking in a commanding voice. “I'm here to show you what the future holds for you, Senda.”

The spirit showed him his iPad. It was on Google Maps, and she pointed to a spot that said 'Martinez Sematary (Vagrants Section)'. A few taps later she handed it to him.

  “I don't see anything,” said Senda. Just a patch of grass.”
  “Oh, fuck! Someone must have run off with your headstone. Well, actually, it wasn't a headstone. It was an empty bottle of Mountain Dew with your dates on it, scrawled in Magic Marker. It was still there the the last time I checked, although a good deal pissed on, as you can imagine. I guess a dog must have run off with it or something. No respect for the dead.”
  “You mean I'm dead?” wailed Senda.
  “Yup, dead as a doornail. Although your soul had already made the great journey before your eighth birthday. Someone unwisely inboxed you a photoshopped picture of Donald Trump in a swimsuit and you keeled over right then and there, straight on to Fluffy, or 'Squishy' as we must now call her. I've heard of cat-sitting services, Senda, but you take it far too literally.”
  “Oh no, my poor Sweet Kathy. She must have been devastated!”
  “Myes, someething like that. I can't remember the precise words she used for your funeral eulogy, but I think it went something like 'phuh', before she started picking her nose and had to be carried out. I've heard of the five stages of grief, but she went one better and gave us the five minutes. I think the grieving process was helped when she was contacted by an insane Russian billionaire who wanted to own the exclusive rights to your YouTube videos. Her net worth is currently estimated at between 3 and 4 billion dollars.”
  “I think I need a lie down,” said Senda. “Hang on,” he said, looking around. “Where the hell am I?”
  “In your apartment, we haven't moved.”
  “But where's the pile of dirty laundry in the corner, not to mention all that crap that I like to call 'books'? And what the hell is that supposed to be?” he said, pointing to a brand new leather couch. “Where are all the yellow stains? What foul sorcery is this?”
  “Well, you're dead,” said the spirit. “As soon as they found out you'd snuffed the lid (it took about eight months before they decided that the smell coming from your apartment was slightly worse than usual and thought they had better investigate) they scooped up what was left of you and new people moved in. After the street party, of course.”

At this point a key was heard in the lock and the front door opened.

  “And here they are now,” said the spirit.

  “Here we are, Kathy darling. Home sweet home.”
  “Nuh.”
  “I do enjoy these shopping trips we have together. I'm glad we have something in common, other than our preference for hot, nasty lesbian action.”
  “Tuh?”
  “Oh yes, don't worry, the daily delivery of plushies will be along soon. Thank goodness we got that hole put in the roof, it makes it so much easier for the helicopter to empty them all straight into your pen...I mean, bedroom.”
  “Vuh.”
  “Yes, I agree that our Bulgarian contact proved unreliable in sourcing that cache of hoarded Nazi Pokemons. As you rightly say, thank goodness we bought that castle in Austria so we can track them down in person. We can also try and find that Alpine Yeti that they were talking about after our skiing holiday last year.”
  “Nuh”
  “You're quite right,” she tittered. “Who would have thought that the Second World War really came about because Churchill and Hitler fell out over their teddy bear collections. Hitler was a big Steiff man, of course, and Churchill said he wouldn't wipe his arse with a filthy Hun bear. So that was that. Total war.”
  “Muh.”
  “Oh yes, you want it bad, don't you, you naughty girl!” she said, pulling Kathy's head back and giving her a passionate kiss. “Don't forget we're dining at Maxim's tonight, so make sure you wear a clean sack. I've booked out the whole restaurant, so no one will disturb us if you want to throw the plates on the floor again. And after that we can dine at the 'Y'. Now, off you go,” she said, smacking Kathy on the ass.
 
Senda looked on at the scene, horrified.

  “B-b-b-but Sweet Kathy never looked at a woman when I was with her. Even though she was raped by her best friend.”
  “Well, to be honest, she didn't look at a man when she was with you either. I don't think you ever qualified.”
  “Doesn't anyone miss me? There must be someone who shed a tear when good ol' Georgie breathed his last.”
  “I think the gay porn business took a substantial hit after you took the dirt nap, otherwise you were not missed, no,” said the spirit.”

Senda felt sick. Alone. Unloved. Dead. His life passed before his eyes: a uniquely depresssing experience, it seemed to consist almost entirely of sleeping in cars, watching episodes of CSI and asking homeless guys if they could spare him some change. He felt his limbs growing cold, although that might have had something to do with the 20 box fans that he kept running in his apartment on full power at all times. He got down on his hands and knees and beat the ground with impotent, pudgy little fists.

  “Please, G*d,” pleaded Senda. “Give me another chance! Don't believe the haters. They all call me a worthless, grifting shit sack, but they don't know the real me. If they'd actually take the trouble to come and visit me they'd see what a good guy I was, while they were cleaning my apartment.”

Suddenly Senda was bathed in an eerie, white light. The spirit was performing some strange, mystical dance, moaning “praise him!”. A glowing cloud gathered in the corner of the apartment, and from it came a thin, lisping voice:

  “Oh, very well. I'll find some little corner you can hang around in if you like. To be honest, Hell isn't crazy about accepting you anyway, because they're think you're too fucked up. If'you can find any people desperate enough to hang around with you I guess I'll make sure there's somewhere you can go where you won't be mocked for being a total asshole. If everyone's an asshole there, then nobody can call you an asshole. You'll just be the chief asshole.”
  “Do I get to ban people if they're mean to me?” said Senda, eagerly.
  “Anything you like,” the voice said impatiently. “This conversation has already lasted too long. It's funny, the more I talk to you, the more I find myself doubting whether I exist.”
  “Oh, just one more thing. I only get a certain amount of money each month, and after I've paid for the rent, the cats...”


Finis

 
 
 
   


 
 

[whoozit]

Bravo!

[dipp]

https://youtu.be/g20jugLxoqY

Oh so that's why George hates cleaning.. Cuz it's