Things That Annoy You

[jazmunda]

jaz buddy... i think you need to spank yer monkey more man.  lately you seem like you've got all this pent up ehhhhh... pent up.... i dunno.  SEMEM... its pent up semen dude. go spank the shit out of yer monkey.  er spank the semen out of yer monkey i mean.

It's all cool. I'm not a deviant. I just play one on Bellgab. Freud may say differently. Besides I don't want to go blind.

[wr250]

Yeh, cold is so annoying. But wait, I thought you wuz a penguin?

yes in in a zoo in las vegas.

[wr250]

make that drunk sister-in-law bitching about her married bf.

[FallenSeraph]

Hoooooooly fuck do I feel a rant coming on.

http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/01/09/girls-producers-defend-nudity/

Written from the perspective of the guy who asked the question:

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/judd-apatow-lena-dunham-mad-asking-why-she-025943887.html

[aldousburbank]

Stupid weed laws. Eff them all!

For years, Alaska was the only state where marijuana was legal, following a 1975 Alaska Supreme Court decision that allowed adults to possess 4 ounces of pot and grow 24 plants. State voters criminalized the drug in 1990, but that law was overturned in 2003 by the Alaska Court of Appeals. In 2006, the state legislature approved a new law criminalizing pot.

[Heather Wade]

Stupid weed laws. Eff them all!

For years, Alaska was the only state where marijuana was legal, following a 1975 Alaska Supreme Court decision that allowed adults to possess 4 ounces of pot and grow 24 plants. State voters criminalized the drug in 1990, but that law was overturned in 2003 by the Alaska Court of Appeals. In 2006, the state legislature approved a new law criminalizing pot.

Dude, I got my card, yet still must keep it a secret.  If I was collecting bottles of booze, I'm sure that would be fine with "society".  Just trying to keep my dinner down & stop bawling... nope... that's not ok!   

Eff them all is right. 

Know anyone with a tent in the woods I can rent?  lol.

[Heather Wade]

Oh, and don't you dare enjoy  a n y t h i n g! 

[aldousburbank]

Oh, and don't you dare enjoy  a n y t h i n g!

Except in your mind
Smoke and be free
http://youtu.be/kzXNdLVZs3k

[Tarbaby]

(Beating up on easy or defenseless targets) is amusing to some apparently, but there is a point when it just becomes sad and brutal.

(Falkie) is an easy target.  Not much honor in roughing him up IMO.

Agreed. Humans exist in a wide spectrum of development. Generally amoral, morally opportunistic, violent, selfish, xenophobic, brutish. People that prey on the weak or defenseless are sociopathic, under-developed, under-evolved. Cowardly. And this is  a large segment of humanity. There is also a segment on the other side of the Bell curve of those who are compassionate, empathetic, less prone to our violent natures. And you won't see this segment targeting the weak, instead they defend them and help them.

[FallenSeraph]

Except in your mind
Smoke and be free
http://youtu.be/kzXNdLVZs3k

Thank you for reminding me how much joy this video brings me.

You go, Al Jarreau!

[Heather Wade]

Except in your mind
Smoke and be free
http://youtu.be/kzXNdLVZs3k

HA HAA!  Ty, aldous.  I will be free in my mind as I sneak a smoke under the exhaust fan tonight. 

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

Here's what annoys me.

Standing in line in the supermarket checkout.  Fat, middle-aged ethnic lady in front of me.  I have two items and cash in hand.

The clerk rings up her stuff and announces the total.  At this, she swings a large purse off of her shoulder and begins to root around inside of it. 

Everyone waits.

Eventually, she produces a smaller clasp purse.  She swings her bag back onto her shoulder, opens the clasp purse, and digs around inside of it.

Everyone waits.

There is a cruel moment of false hope as her hand springs loose from the purse.  It is not a debit card, or (god forbid) actual cash, but a set of coupons.  She swings her larger bag back onto the counter, deposits the purse in the bag, and then hands the coupons to the clerk.  She then watches as the clerk scans the coupons into the register.

That completed, her total owed is displayed.  She eyes it suspiciously, pausing, eyeing it again.  You can't be too sure that people aren't ripping you off these days.  Then she swings her bag back onto the counter and roots around for the purse that she had just seconds before, but is unable to find now.

Eventually, she comes up with the purse.   And now she must root around in the purse until she can find her debit card.  It's not a large purse; maybe the size of a burrito from Chipolete.  Nevertheless, she can't find it, and digs around in her purse looking for it.

Everyone waits.

The line, which once numbered two others behind her, has grown to double digits.  The clerk calls for backup.

Finally, she locates her debit card, swipes it, and momentum seems to be building.

Until the clerk hands her the receipt.  Now she needs to put the receipt into another bag of some type.  My purchases have already been scanned while this is happening, and I simply want to move up and hand over my FUCKING CASH.  But no.  Miss Thing methodically finds her receipt purse, tucks the receipt inside, slips the receipt purse into it's proper place, and finally swings the bag strap back onto her shoulder.

Everyone waits.

Now, she is going to pick up her goods and carry them out.

I live in a bring-your-own-bag state.  Miss Thing wouldn't dass spend 10 cents for a bag.  No, she's a-gonna try and carry it out for herself.  And she proceeds to carry out various packing of items in her gigantic purse, while still standing at her position in the register queue.  The rest of the line melts off towards a new register that has just opened. 

In the end, Miss Thing has stolen three or four minutes from the lives of all of those behind her in line -- perhaps 30 to 45 minutes en total.  Why does she do it?  Maybe the only time during a day of humiliation where she can make others dance to her tune.  Who knows?  All I know is this: if I had a rocket launcher, some son of a bitch would die.

[MV/Liberace!]

Agree with you on the last point, but when I think of curvy, this is not the image I come up with.

haha, agreed.

[MV/Liberace!]

...if we don't trim the fruit yearly, which is an expensive exercise, the bastards nest in there make a mess by eating and dropping the fruit, shitting and pissing in my yard and swooping down on us after dusk.

What each of your family members need is the revolutionary Swooping Bat Protective Electrical Suit Model 1000... NEW, from Peenman Enterprises.  Just surround each of them in Peenman's patented, custom sized, humanoid shaped barbed wire electrical cage suits and enjoy each momentary yet rewarding dimming of your home's lights as those winged rodents pass from the lips of sweet oblivion to your dinner plate.  The SBPES is an economical way to keep the family fed in the post apocalypse, allowing you more time to battle the ever lurking, compulsively anal raping road warrior.    There's also the SBPES 1100 which features optional leather buffers to prevent what's known as "thigh shock".  That's the Swooping Bat Protective Electrical Suit... NEW, from Peenman Enterprises.

[MV/Liberace!]

Everyone waits.

fuck that lady.  i hate her.

[FightTheFuture]

Agree with you on the last point, but when I think of curvy, this is not the image I come up with.

That woman is utterly repulsive in every way.

[nbirnes]

That woman is utterly repulsive in every way.

Because? She's normal-sized, but is wearing a sleeveless dress? Because she writes really really well?

I'm curious.

[PB the Deplorable]

Here's what annoys me.

Standing in line in the supermarket checkout.  Fat...

There is an art to choosing a line at checkout and that's all I'm going to say

[b_dubb]

Because? She's normal-sized, but is wearing a sleeveless dress? Because she writes really really well?

I'm curious.

That tattoo isn't helping

[FightTheFuture]

Because? She's normal-sized, but is wearing a sleeveless dress? Because she writes really really well?

I'm curious.

Oh, please. I couldn't care less about her looks, or her lack of talent.  Although, when she chooses to gratuitously parade about in her frumpy little birthday suit, she should find it as no surprise when  some folks -- ones  possessing some modicum of good taste, for instance --  are critical.

Unfortunately, Dunham is an insufferably pretentious little snob, who somehow managed to strike a chord with horned-up teenagers,  guilt-ridden hipsters, and lesbians. And  let not anyone speak  an unflattering word about the queen with no clothes.

Perhaps her post-hippy parents overly praised her during potty training.  Yes, Lena, you have a vagina; we get it, already. Now, please put some clothes on.

[wr250]

There is an art to choosing a line at checkout and that's all I'm going to say

yes . avoid getting behind me . i always pick the worst line. like yesterday i got in a line. person at the register had like 15 items. cashier rings it up , they go no this this this and this i will pay for separately .so they stand their with the blank expression whilst the cashier fixes it, then they dig for the ebt (welfare) card. for like a minute.once found they they then have to swipe it and wait again for the cashier.then they dig out their id. another minute.  then they sign for the stuff, and get the rest of it rung up. the cashier asks how they will pay. another minute of rummaging around for a card. card is declined. another card this one goes through.all the while their stuff is sitting there. as they finally get everything paid for and the various cards put away, a bagger comes along and loads their cart and pulls it out of the way, and they move along at the speed of a snail going up a glacier, as if they are the only people in the store. this is a typically shopping line experience for me. along with people suddenly stopping their cart in the middle of an aisle, to look at some trinket for 10 minutes, causing everyone in that aisle to have to wait because some other idiot did hte same thing coming the other way.

this behavior is far worse on the 3rd of the month, cause thats when welfare cards are replenished.

[PB the Deplorable]

Yeah, there is also an art to when to go to the store.

[FightTheFuture]

Yeah, there is also an art to when to go to the store.

Walmart 4AM

[wr250]

Walmart 4AM

except on black friday. then there is no good time to goto walmart.

[b_dubb]

Standing in line in the supermarket checkout.  Fat, middle-aged ethnic lady in front of me.  I have two items and cash in hand.

Because fat white women never do this.  Why is the woman's ethnicity germane to your story?

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

Because fat white women never do this.

Oh, they do it all the time.  Men don't do it because they don't carry around large shoulder bags.  Women under about 35 don't do it, because it makes them look like their mothers.  Older women (let's say 60's and up) don't do it because they don't want to be a bother, honey.

[Yorkshire pud]

Because fat white women never do this.  Why is the woman's ethnicity germane to your story?

I'm going to try and use germane at least three times next week, thanks!

[b_dubb]

Oh, they do it all the time.  Men don't do it because they don't carry around large shoulder bags.  Women under about 35 don't do it, because it makes them look like their mothers.  Older women (let's say 60's and up) don't do it because they don't want to be a bother, honey.

Way to skate around my question.

[jazmunda]

I'm going to try and use germane at least three times next week, thanks!

Some Americans might say that if it wasn't for them you'd be speaking German at lot more than just 3 times a week.

[FallenSeraph]

Yes, Lena, you have a vagina; we get it, already. Now, please put some clothes on.

My feelings exactly. And I can't stand that show. But I'm also in my barely-40s. When I watch it, I feel old and prudish. That's my problem, not hers, though. I'm not comfortable enough in my getting-older-by-the-day skin.

I lived with a bunch of female friends during my early 20s, and our lives were fun and sometimes turbulent but relatively drama-free. Maybe we weren't living enough. We were slumming in a Malibu apartment and we worked cleaning hotel rooms, which was the most disgusting job ever. We scraped by. We worried a lot about where our next falafel and iced mocha would come from. We often had to panhandle to pay for sunscreen.

My friend slept with Sylvester Stallone and he broke her heart. My other friend got drunk and made out with Gary Coleman in Westwood. I got set up on a blind date with Jerry O'Connell and it was a miserable experience. I'm sure now he occasionally pauses from his marriage to Rebecca Romijn to reflect on that date and wonder "what if." That about sums it up. After awhile I moved to Indiana to take a legit job with a magazine. I should have stayed out West and toughed it out on the beach.

So I dunno. Maybe if we would have been in NYC, I could relate to "Girls" more.

That is all. Many of you have written me and asked for the intro to Chapter 19 of my autobiography, so there you go. 

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