Author Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten  (Read 351 times)

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Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« on: July 19, 2020, 05:20:50 PM »
"YOU HAVE A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR AND BRING OUT THE BEST IN OTHERS"

Thank you, Panda Express. Tell me something I don't already know. And many would argue "BEAST."

No lucky lotto numbers?

Kind of a gyp.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2020, 05:24:11 PM »
"YOU HAVE A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR AND BRING OUT THE BEST IN OTHERS" [...] And many would argue "BEAST."

I call dibs on BREASTS.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2020, 05:28:50 PM »
"ME, ME, ME!  IT'S ALL FOR ME!!  YOU ARE ALL PUPPETS AND I AM YOUR OVERLORD!!!"


Okay, I didn't find this in a fortune cookie at all--I've just been saying it out loud a lot lately, it makes me giggle--but if it isn't in one inside of two hours, y'all simply aren't trying very hard.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2020, 06:04:37 PM »
My preference is fortune cookies without that crappy paper filling.  Just call them sweet crispy yum joy, in typical Chinglish.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2020, 06:23:44 PM »

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2020, 07:15:28 PM »
I call dibs on BREASTS.

That reminds me. MV was considering another name change for the site:

BELLGABREASTS.COM

"Technically, there should be two Bs in front of the R, but I find that aesthetically distressing. I won't do it!" MV was heard to scream into his mobile phone before he ran his rusty brown death's head-shaped pickup truck off the side of a winding mountain road in the Ozarks this past Saturday after a five day drinking binge. Some say it was an accident, some say the constant mobile updates of charges to his bank account via a Panero Bread portal, drove him, literally, off the road. Either way, that's one hell of a fortune cookie.

He leaves behind a wife, two children, a dog, and twenty-three cats.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made on bellgab.com. Curtis Thornton is at the helm of battleship bellgab and is keeping it copacetic.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2020, 07:42:43 PM »

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2020, 10:36:23 PM »
Mine are never all that uplifting :-\

- God frowned when you were born.

- The future is so dark you should set yourself on fire just to get a glimpse of it.

- Your wife owns you, fuckface.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2020, 11:23:14 PM »
Wait—people actually eat fortune cookies.  No way!!!

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2020, 12:26:16 AM »
- Your wife owns you, fuckface.

This seems like reasonable advice. Recommended.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2020, 01:58:06 PM »
Drop the cookie fat fuck.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2020, 02:07:37 PM »
Drop the cookie fat fuck.
Seems a tad presumptuous, and a little mean if you ask me.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2020, 02:58:49 PM »
I’m not the one that wrote the fortune I received.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2020, 03:21:57 PM »
I’m not the one that wrote the fortune I received.
Well now you're becoming difficult. I'm on your side in this, you're not a "fat fuck" ..I assume. Maybe you got the wrong cookie?  This is getting kind of confusing and somewhat bewildering so I'm bowing out of this conversation now.

Best, KSM

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2020, 03:24:29 PM »
Well now you're becoming difficult. I'm on your side in this, you're not a "fat fuck" ..I assume. Maybe you got the wrong cookie?  This is getting kind of confusing and somewhat bewildering so I'm bowing out of this conversation now.

Best, KSM
Thanks for your support, sorry for my confusion. 

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2020, 03:25:33 PM »
This is getting kind of confusing and somewhat bewildering

"And then, five minutes later, the acid really kicked in." -- The Narrator In Minecraft

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #16 on: July 20, 2020, 05:49:03 PM »
Have I created a monster?

Perhaps.

But these gutted little treats need to be revealed for what they are:

A collective cookie consciousness.

(Revealed via haruspicy.)

Fortune Cookies I've Assimilated Then Uplifted
« Reply #17 on: July 20, 2020, 06:25:34 PM »


"Fortune Cookie Monster" by Santo76


It's a living.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #18 on: July 20, 2020, 06:35:52 PM »
"There are no cookie coincidences." - George Noory

STFU, Noory. Eat your vessel of the future.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #19 on: July 23, 2020, 09:15:18 PM »
"YOU ARE A FUN-LOVING PERSON AND WILL FIND MUCH HAPPINESS"

That's what I call full coverage. It told me what I am, and what is to come.

It wisely did not mention I was a tortured psychic child in the Montauk project.

It is a "fortune" cookie. Not a "how your life was so fucked up" cookie.

Thank you, Panda Express!

(And again with the missing lotto numbers. What a gyp! I will go to family owned Uncle Wing soon and get some goddamned Lucky Numbers.)

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #20 on: July 24, 2020, 10:36:08 PM »
"YOU HAVE A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR AND BRING OUT THE BEST IN OTHERS"

Thank you, Panda Express. Tell me something I don't already know. And many would argue "BEAST."

No lucky lotto numbers?

Kind of a gyp.

ok


Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #21 on: July 24, 2020, 11:01:08 PM »
ok

“HELP!  I’m being held captive in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.”

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #22 on: July 24, 2020, 11:13:28 PM »

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2020, 11:14:30 PM »
You're going to have an itchy anus tomorrow.

In an hour you'll be hungry again.

You're right, women DO fart in their sleep.

Your asshole friends are going to be here in about five minutes so get the fuck out of this forum ya Shitfuck!

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2020, 08:37:38 PM »
Tonight I got the rare "double fortune";  Inside the plastic wrapper there were not only TWO fortunes, but TWO cookies as well.  My delight in this is palpable as I do love my sweet cookies.

Fortune #1:  "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired"

Fortune #2:  "Good news will come to you from far away"

The first one reminded me of some ancient Confucian wisdom I once heard:

"Man who run in front of bus about to get tired"

-p

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #25 on: September 16, 2020, 02:54:37 AM »
WE MUST ALWAYS HAVE OLD MEMORIES AND YOUNG HOPES

5  14  19  26  40  45

Finally!  A fortune cookie supplying numbers on the back of the slip.  Gambling addiction may safely proceed.

Though this is the "broad advice" type of fortune I don't care for much.

I want to know when a car is going to kill me. Date. Time. Make and model. I want to know I am going to be rich and travel to exotic lands - not this old memories & young hopes nonsense.

My forbidden kingdom for a decent fortune!

As for my meal while briefly abroad, it beat Panda Express back in the States nine ways to Sunday not simply due to a fortune slip with numbers, but because of the immaculate layout and preparation and selection of food.

I ate until I was incapacitated. Completely immobile.

Lunchtime patrons were disgusted at my Jabba the Hutt countenance as I was wheeled out on a contrivance pieced together of three connected gurneys from three EMT vehicles.

Unlike the buffet herd, my food server was unfazed by my gluttony as I glided past her. (I had tipped her generously just before paralysis set in.)

"You come back, Fatty Jabba. Anytime!  'Kay?"

Outside, as a translucent green oxygen mask was lowered onto my face, I didn't give a damn about old memories or new hopes mentioned in the fortune.

I just wanted to breathe beneath my collapsing weight.


Chopsticks
88 Reid Street
Hamilton, Bermuda

All You Can Eat Lunch Buffet:

Price: $$
Food: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Service: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Atmosphere: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Fortune:  🌟 Meh. But the  numbers!



Bonus: FREE Chopsticks Restaurant pdf menu file below. Oh, the glorious benefits of the internet superhighway.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #26 on: September 22, 2020, 08:02:02 AM »
GOD PLAYS POCKET HUMANS ON HIS DEVICE THE WAY YOU PLAY POCKET FROGS ON YOUR SMART PHONE.

Your lucky numbers are:

F  U   C   K   Y   O   U

(ribbit)



I will not return to this Chinese restaurant again, due to the abrasive fortune.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #27 on: September 22, 2020, 08:41:00 AM »
GOD PLAYS POCKET HUMANS ON HIS DEVICE THE WAY YOU PLAY POCKET FROGS ON YOUR SMART PHONE.

Your lucky numbers are:

F  U   C   K   Y   O   U

(ribbit)



I will not return to this Chinese restaurant again, due to the abrasive fortune.
http://youtu.be/aDLzEpOY22Q

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #28 on: September 22, 2020, 10:57:24 AM »
WE MUST ALWAYS HAVE OLD MEMORIES AND YOUNG HOPES

5  14  19  26  40  45

Finally!  A fortune cookie supplying numbers on the back of the slip.  Gambling addiction may safely proceed.

Though this is the "broad advice" type of fortune I don't care for much.

I want to know when a car is going to kill me. Date. Time. Make and model. I want to know I am going to be rich and travel to exotic lands - not this old memories & young hopes nonsense.

My forbidden kingdom for a decent fortune!

As for my meal while briefly abroad, it beat Panda Express back in the States nine ways to Sunday not simply due to a fortune slip with numbers, but because of the immaculate layout and preparation and selection of food.

I ate until I was incapacitated. Completely immobile.

Lunchtime patrons were disgusted at my Jabba the Hutt countenance as I was wheeled out on a contrivance pieced together of three connected gurneys from three EMT vehicles.

Unlike the buffet herd, my food server was unfazed by my gluttony as I glided past her. (I had tipped her generously just before paralysis set in.)

"You come back, Fatty Jabba. Anytime!  'Kay?"

Outside, as a translucent green oxygen mask was lowered onto my face, I didn't give a damn about old memories or new hopes mentioned in the fortune.

I just wanted to breathe beneath my collapsing weight.


Chopsticks
88 Reid Street
Hamilton, Bermuda

All You Can Eat Lunch Buffet:

Price: $$
Food: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Service: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Atmosphere: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Fortune:  🌟 Meh. But the  numbers!



Bonus: FREE Chopsticks Restaurant pdf menu file below. Oh, the glorious benefits of the internet superhighway.
And they are in compliance with the Liquor Licensing laws.
https://www.gov.bm/theofficialgazette/notices/gn04022020

And the applicant/manager has an intriguing name. Almost something out of James Bond or a Penthouse Letters.

Fortune Cookies I've Disemboweled Then Eaten
« Reply #29 on: September 22, 2020, 10:21:39 PM »
And they are in compliance with the Liquor Licensing laws.
https://www.gov.bm/theofficialgazette/notices/gn04022020

And the applicant/manager has an intriguing name. Almost something out of James Bond or a Penthouse Letters.

Pamela Quarterly; the lesser known Bond girl.

Suddenly, Fatty Jabba craving immaculate buffet again, despite previous NDE complication.