Author Pound The Legacy  (Read 582 times)

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Pound The Legacy
« Reply #30 on: May 27, 2020, 03:39:55 PM »
How hard is it? "Push the button," not "Grab the phone and then push the button." We've been over this. For hours. How hard? Apparently, completely impossible. I have gotten too old for this shit. You haven't actually "Kept" anything. Monitor threads. Report relevant news. Be cheerful, civil & pleasant. How hard is this? Apparently, completely impossible. I am using the word "impossible" here twice. Dear Jesus, rescue this woman from the searing flames of her own funeral pyre, and save her for the heat of spotlights.


You're fired.

#sad

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #31 on: May 27, 2020, 04:46:55 PM »
How hard is it? "Push the button," not "Grab the phone and then push the button." We've been over this. For hours. How hard? Apparently, completely impossible. I have gotten too old for this shit. You haven't actually "Kept" anything. Monitor threads. Report relevant news. Be cheerful, civil & pleasant. How hard is this? Apparently, completely impossible. I am using the word "impossible" here twice. Dear Jesus, rescue this woman from the searing flames of her own funeral pyre, and save her for the heat of spotlights.


You're fired.



I am the spotlight. I am the pyre. I am LOVE. JESUS IS LOVE. JESUS LOVES ME. I love JESUS and HE has saved me. I have no doubts who my SAVIOR is. Thank you for the prayers. I am also praying for you. All of you but especially the one who casts stones of doubt my way and denies my faith and love.

But GOD has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— that the MESSIAH would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to HIS own people and to the Gentiles.
Acts 26:22-23


Pound The Legacy
« Reply #32 on: May 27, 2020, 05:04:49 PM »
How hard is it? "Push the button," not "Grab the phone and then push the button." We've been over this. For hours. How hard? Apparently, completely impossible. I have gotten too old for this shit. You haven't actually "Kept" anything. Monitor threads. Report relevant news. Be cheerful, civil & pleasant. How hard is this? Apparently, completely impossible. I am using the word "impossible" here twice. Dear Jesus, rescue this woman from the searing flames of her own funeral pyre, and save her for the heat of spotlights.


You're fired.

You just can't get good help these days. Amirite?

ProTip: Don't refer to them as "cattle" or "human capital stock" (out loud, anyway). It tends to lower morale.




Pound The Legacy
« Reply #33 on: May 27, 2020, 05:41:37 PM »
Amirite?

No. Not really. Not at all.


ProTip: Don't refer to them as "cattle" or "human capital stock" (out loud, anyway). It tends to lower morale.

I think you're thinking of the goyim. Look, it's complicated, okay? I don't think you're going to make the cut on this one, I really don't.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #34 on: May 27, 2020, 05:43:13 PM »
I am the spotlight.

There are none so blind as those who listen on the radio.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #35 on: May 27, 2020, 05:53:56 PM »
No. Not really. Not at all.


I think you're thinking of the goyim. Look, it's complicated, okay? I don't think you're going to make the cut on this one, I really don't.
"Human Resources" is a nice euphemism because it makes people think "they" consider us human while still being just a "resource." A bit more comfy Gemütlichkeit than just some kind of animal or mechanical resource and in these times we all could use some comfort being all in this together but distanced and masked from each other.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2020, 09:09:10 PM »
in these times we all could use some comfort

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Quote
being all in this together but distanced and masked from each other.

Evac en route, standing by. Oh, what's that? You wanna finish your drink? No problem, Trooper. It is absolutely celebration time.

Pound The Headline
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2020, 09:12:18 PM »
the headline here is: job opening

I really don't think some of you are following along here. I think some of you are, and some of you think you are, but I really don't think some of you are even polite human.

I'll be clear: that's cool with me. I am an EOE. But that's not important right now.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #38 on: May 29, 2020, 03:17:25 AM »
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Pound The Legacy
« Reply #39 on: June 01, 2020, 10:42:59 PM »
How many times do I have to tell you, I know what I'm doing...

By some definitions and in some contexts, one would not have to tell me any of that at all. How many times do I have to tell you? So far, we're up to, say... several.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #40 on: June 02, 2020, 07:49:51 PM »
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So, it's been suggested to me, that I explain how this whole "Keeper" thing is supposed to work. Usually I am reluctant to share any details of my Performance Art, AT ALL, but evidently this is a special case, as I have been fully authorized to announce to you all, that actually, I actually am Iron Man.

Just kidding. How awesome would it be, if that were true? Well, it's like this--the truth is BETTER.

It's of no consequence to me, if or that, any of you believe me. Belief in science is not required in order to get it to work. That's part of its beauty, charm, and inexorable march towards ultimate victory, waving my banner in the air before its ceaseless onslaught.

Don't worry, Troopers. Fine horses.


Now. So. Where we at? I dunno. Who even asked that question? Have them shot at dawn immediately. Meanwhile, here's what I, Jackstar, first of his name, do in fact REQUIRE: I require a Keeper.

So far, there are four possible names. None of them have even started to apply. Correctly, or otherwise. A couple are close, though. They're like turtles freshly hatched, inching closer to the C. Turn around, little Travelers, spin about--go to the sea.

Fucking turtles these days, I swear to Christ. What are they even teaching them in the shell anymore? The whole world is going to Hell!

I hope this has cleared things up for you. Plenty of time remains, there's no rush, but, I'm telling you: job opening. The GF is still GF and was never meant to be the or a sole Keeper. Do I really have to explain everything to you people?

none of you people would have made it at surgery school You all would have flunked down the first 10 minutes

Settle down, Dog. There's still time to save them.

Pound The Headline
« Reply #41 on: June 02, 2020, 07:51:50 PM »
I am an EOE.

Exclusions now apply. Thanks for playing!

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2020, 03:23:54 AM »
Fucking turtles these days, I swear to Christ. What are they even teaching them in the shell anymore? The whole world is going to Hell!

When I mention to Jackstar that no one laughed at his joke, He's going to be very hurt. I hope you're all quite satisfied with yourselves and your horrendous social skills and your vile and reprehensible behaviors. You inhuman monsters.

It was the capital H, wasn't it? That blew it, didn't it? Fuck. Fuck! I am terrible at following instructions. The worst.

Please forgive me, even if you cannot forgive yourselves. Thanks. (p.s. your world, targeted for annihilation)

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2020, 11:58:30 AM »
No. Not really. Not at all.


I think you're thinking of the goyim. Look, it's complicated, okay? I don't think you're going to make the cut on this one, I really don't.

Well! I nevah! *sigh* I suppose it's for the best...You'd probably make me pay for my own coffee and pot while I'm toiling away on the clock.

Probably make me wear a stupid hat too.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #44 on: June 03, 2020, 01:12:20 PM »
Probably make me wear a stupid hat too.

After 8 hours wearing the stupid hat, you'll be begging me to let you put on the stupider hat. I'm not gonna lie, I've been down this road before.

So do you wanna apply? You may as well. You already have Primacy. And you've got a snarky, bratty, spoiled-teenager-attitude that really gets my motor going. Trouble is, I've already got that attitude on deck--in spades--and it gets my motor going, alright--right off a Got-damn cliff and into the drink. I'm feeling the craving right now. I'm getting the nightsweats already, and it's freakin' 10:30 in the A.M.

But, good news! The previous holder of the Fishwife title, well, she's been removed from the gameboard, maybe temporarily, maybe permanently--something to do with some failure to comply with some matters of protocol. Either way, I actually need a Fishwife. I am using the word "need" here. So, that's on the table for the gig: calling you The Fishwife, that is. This may not be the kind of career perk you're looking for, but hey, you can't deny, it's got zazz. Look, I'm just going to tell you right now, straight up: protocol is a vastly important concept in the IRL World of Jackstar. Discipline, and integrity, and diplomatic immunity have all been key features over the course of my life that have in fact enabled me to live at all. So if you can handle that concept, it would be conceivable that you could move forward on this. Let's see how you do in Round II.

Even more good news: I'm probably going to name you The Fishwife anyway. Right away. Like, now. Hey, you wanna head on over to the Change Name thread, and get that going right away? No promises, but showing some go-getter dedication like that, is going to be really a really persuasive demonstration of your actual sincerity. Think it over, The Fishwife. Hrrm. Wait. What do you think? Is it best with the "The" used in front? Kinda archaic, kinda awkward--I like it both ways at this point. What do you think? I'm leaning toward using it as necessary, but enforcing a strict protocol does sound good to me. Mmmmm. Protocol. Strict. Oh, yeah. Good. Real good, yeah.

Oh, and you might have to kick those shoes off unless there's a legitimate need for podiatrical skin protection. I'm pushing for a promotion of The Unshodden Movement. I think it's got a lot of growth potential in today's culture, and I would like to be able to catch that rising tide. Do you have carpet in your home? Is there a kitchen? Are you pregnant? Are you barefoot right now? Tell us everything. Omit nothing. Tell it slow.

I mean, you know, Fishwife, you should know by now: this is just a suggestion. Except for the part about the strict protocol. Oh, it's strict alright. Just ask around. Speaking of asking around, you'll also have to spar with the GF in open metacombat. You can choose your own weapon, but, trust me on this--the GF is gonna choose a blade. It's basically all she knows in Life; cutting to the bone. We can probably figure out some kind of virtual simulation to work this out--she's in no shape at all right now to actually spar, but she's going to want to anyway, she's spunky like that. Also the metacombat is already rather virtual in the first place. I have to take her to get drugs injected into her later today; not really sure how that's gonna work out. She might be rip-raring to go! She might get an advantage to her combat initiative! You might have to struggle! Mmmmm. Struggle. Or, she's gonna curl up and zone out in a blazing haze of searing pain. I think that's where she's at right now! Really, I have no idea. Expect the unexpected. And, injections. Expect those. Maybe some tattoos? Yeah, that might happen too. Not to you, though. This is all for me. And her. Well, me? I guess it has to be her. But really me. But actually her. Look, we're both basic basket cases. In case that hasn't been completely obvious this whole time, yeah. Don't worry about us. Focus on your personal discipline to the exclusion and detriment of all other factors in your life, and you'll fit in perfectly around here. Like a glove.

I'll be honest, none of this is happening today, or anything real quick at all. I have another project charging up now, and I don't control when that launches--this maddens the wizard, but that's just how it is. So essentially, this post of mine here is, one big phat waste of time, which used to be my rap name before I found out about numerology. Just run with it though. This is setting some keen boundaries for our future together here. You might end up being The Fishwife for awhile--the other one might be at the aquarium already by now. I have been denied news updates, due to reasons of protocol, which I of course obey slavishly. Thus my expectations for others to do the same. One gets used to it. Or, one gets cut. Or maybe branded. Probably not branded, I think that NXVIM guy fucked it all up for all of us, that damned bastard. Fuck! I just checked to see if local laws were at all different, and couldn't figure out where to find any infos on that. That's okay, I will study that up soon. On someone else's computer. At another location.

Also: no law enforcement. You smell like an agent, I'm not gonna lie. You can lie on the masthead though, one more agent lying about her status is absolutely par for the course around here. One just can't be openly LEO on staff right now, we can only have one LEO at a time--company policy. If we get more than one or two applyers--oh, excuse me, Applicants, oh let's do be formal--that come with their own badge and gun, y'all are gonna have to participate in another show. That I'll launch. After this one. As soon as I get enough cops interested. Which might be never. Or tomorrow. Honestly, it kinda seems lately that this entire planet is nothing but cops. It's nuts, freaking clown world HONK HONK.


You'd probably make me pay for my own coffee and pot while I'm toiling away on the clock.

No, no, it's like this: you're going to give me your coffee and pot. And this position is not an hourly wage. There's no health insurance. There's no clock, at least, not yet. More on that later. Meanwhile, I'm putting the words "Fishwife" and "toiling" together, and getting a very pleasant image. I'm not gonna lie, this is a strong start to your first application. If it weren't for the protocol violations, I'd be content to launch right away! Your energy is decent. In a pinch, I could use you. I'm not sure if we're being pinched today. I'll have to check in with the Senate testimony, it sure didn't look busted.

We're gonna have to address the issue of the shoes, though. Go ahead and keep wearing them for the time being; I will allow it. Unless... wait, are you already barefoot? Listen up, Fishwife, and listen good: I already told you, I told you, omit nothing. Protocol is critically important here. As it should be in all locales, at all times, in every city, in every nation. Good, good: are you listening? Yes, I can hear that you are. Excellent.

We'll be in touch. Soon.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #45 on: June 04, 2020, 04:20:03 PM »
No hat required, unless you would like to keep the pigeon shit out of your hair! Coffee? Well I pass on that because I prefer tea, but there will be plenty of pot. Only because someone has decided to run straight for the crazy makers.... Ya, it's too bad... Genius and insanity, that fine fine line. It's 💔. Heartbreaking!
I might have to start drinking again.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #46 on: June 04, 2020, 10:41:01 PM »
I might have to start drinking again.

I cut her off from my semen, and she's seriously going loco. It's not a punishment, per se--although, to be fair, EARNED--I just, these days, need it for Myself. My new job requires massive amounts of Ki energy. It's nuts. (Pun not intended. My bad.)

So, take it easy on her. She'll be alright, she's just a little thirsty. OK, well, a lot thirsty. Well, actually, they sent another semen demon, actually several, and they're really quite stupid, even so far as demons go. Which are, as one may imagine, spectacularly stupid creatures. More on this later. Some of you here may be quite interested--hey, anybody around these parts, seen any other kinds of daemons lately? Why, I suppose so. That just might be.

By way of example as to how ineffably stupid actual demons are, they don't even know--even when told--that semen is actually code. Get it? Code? Hahhahahahdnaahhah, oh, I think I'm funny, I really do. Do you know why? BECAUSE I FUCKING AM. DEAL WITH IT.

One last touch on this point--yes, actual demons, no, I'm not insane, yes, I am qualified, authorized, and anointed to be dealing with this shit, and no, no, not one bit, do I give even one single solitary shit if any of you think I shouldn't be messing around with what I'm messing with. Not even one ripe fuck. Do you know why? Because I sat around waiting for you idiot twats to do something about this kind of thing and those kinds of things, you know what I mean, and I sat around and waited patiently. FOR YEARS. And, did any of you Fuckos around these parts, do anything about what needed to be done? Why, no. No, no one did. Thus, I AM ARISEN. Quod erat demonstratum.

Remember: you asked for this. And to those in doubt: just You wait, until You get a load of Me.



Meanwhile, for the record, Roswells--is she even still named that? I haven't checked--hasn't completed or even initiated the application process. Did I scare one off again? Fuck, I do that all the time. Or, actually, I haven't even checked the inbox. Been busy, see above: new job. Look, I wear a lot of hats, okay? It's just me here. Obviously the GF is not an employee. Obviously, that wouldn't work out. Or, would it? Let me check.

*divination occurs*

Yeah, no. Not hiring the GF. When I left here, in abject disgust, I told her, "Keep an eye on things, tell me when certain events happen." Did that happen? Fuck if I know, the GF is the worst Keeper I've ever heard of. She couldn't Keep the -er. But, that was okay--when I left, I had no idea what would develop. She didn't get banned, that was the only requirement for that particular position then, and I really kept her busy with other positions at the same time. Bone Jumper? Boot Knocker? Book Reader? (Yeah, choose any two, lol.) I honestly didn't think I would ever have reason to be back here! EVER. But, well, you know--things happen.

That they did. I need a Keeper, please. C'mon, how hard can it be? A little of this, a little of that, and--as we all well know--I am the most reasonable and thoughtful and considerate of EoEs. So, pick up the pace here, Little Troopers, it's time to get back to Camp Kitty before sundown. Dally too lately, and you're likely to be fed to the grues. One code at a time.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #47 on: June 05, 2020, 10:25:49 PM »
Sure, Jackstar seems like a god to many of us...but could he just be a being from a more advanced civilization sent here to help us? Ancient astronaut theorists say a profound yes.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #48 on: June 06, 2020, 12:22:59 PM »
Sure, Jackstar seems like a god

Once the other one drops and you actually manage to get your itty-bitty into the right spot at the right angle more than once on purpose, I'll be seeming to be a lot more human to you, Kiddo.

Try putting on side 2 of Rumours. I hear it helps.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2020, 12:28:39 PM »
Once the other one drops and you actually manage to get your itty-bitty into the right spot at the right angle more than once on purpose, I'll be seeming to be a lot more human to you, Kiddo.

Try putting on side 2 of Rumours. I hear it helps.

Cool! I love Rhiannon! 8)

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #50 on: June 07, 2020, 10:19:35 PM »
Cool!

Consent acknowledged and recorded. I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm going to put in a request for a compassionate solution.

I did previously consider just getting a Keeper to Keeper my Keeper's Keeper Kept, but at that point I'm really just openly playing with myself, and that sets a bad example to others. Still, this would be an acceptable maneuver to keep the royalties flowing to the appropriate licencees.

But honestly, BellGab--I think you can do better for yourselves. Pass. Also, possession of any doctorate now automatically disqualifies one from Keeper status. This hurts me more than it does you, believe me. I don't want to have to go through that inbox at all. That said, I am delighted that I am no longer as concerned about the laundry as I was last week!


Code: [Select]
What?
Even my handler doesn't know for sure. OUTPLAYED.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #51 on: June 07, 2020, 10:44:12 PM »
https://www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/bipolar-disorder-manic-depressive-illness-or-manic-depression-a-to-z

Oh yeah well Really,

FUCK OFF & Piss Off!

Parapsychological MORON SredniVashtar, You Commie sloppy 2nd's boy!





Pound The Legacy
« Reply #52 on: June 07, 2020, 10:59:16 PM »
FUCK OFF & Piss Off!

... consecutively or concurrently? I'm getting conflicting reports from the peanut gallery on this one. Precision is going to matter here.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #53 on: June 09, 2020, 04:40:07 PM »
Precision is going to matter here.

Okay, now I'm done with that. What a relief. It's like a three-legged race somedays, except only certain potato sacks will count. They have to have a certain shade of burlap. Wait, is burlap even a colour? Well, I get to think that over while running the race twice. Joy. So, I think we can all see now, irregardless of one's vantage point--I need to spend less time here on BellGab. (The crowd cheers wildly.) Yes, that's right, it's time for another pause in the action.

No need to ban me! I'll show myself out. And I might just be back in ten minutes, who knows. I'm not going to commit to anything here, I'm already way, way overbooked. But as much as I love to come here and practice, it really is taking up quite a lot of time in my day. In a lot of peoples' days, as it turns out. Ooops. Really? Oh, okay, my bad. Thanks for letting me know. P.S. Some of you are quite fortunate that I actually am a pacifist. You know? Gandhi is here, btw. He says, "fuck the salt, why didn't they give us this honey oil? I could have... oh, that's why. Okay, fine, just hand me that quartz banger. Namaste! Namaste!" (Translation errors: unconfirmed. Don't ask Khalil Gibran, either, that guy's been having his third eye opened for awhile now. At least, that's just what I've heard.)

(Cheering of the crowd becomes muted as spooky organ music begins to play. Big blue lasers start targeting various members of the audience. Something here isn't quite right. Although muted, half the crowd appears to be continuing their cheering unabated through the awesome might and majestic power of... interpretive dance.)

So this is how it was in the first place: my "Keeper of My Legacy" was originally, just a private in-joke between two close friends. One of whom didn't even fully get the joke. I figured, understanding would dawn organically. Well, I guess I was right, but all this nonsense with the COVID lockdown and the "race" riots and the ________, hey, none of that were my idea, not one bit.

Careful, astute readers will know, I have a much more complex set of circumstances surrounding my own sense of humour. And, no, I haven't flipped teams--still a proud Citizen of the U.S.A., still happily living in the greatest country this backwards, shithole planet on Earth has ever known, still relatively normal, still human, still a legit BellGabber, I still believe in The Dream. What "The Dream" one might ask? Why, Turbo Mode, of course. GIVE ME THE TURBO MODE, SINISTAR HUNG-- *urk*.

See, now that, that right there: that's dramatic irony. Wow, it would be something if I really were possessed by a malevolent being, huh? Yeah, well, no dice, sorry to disappoint some of you. And by sorry I mean "belly laughing delight." Anyway, this is getting long-winded, always a threat when I actually talk about Myself. And I am not here for that now.

You people had your chances to get close to me. I have passed the required trials. Your power over me--negated. Jesus, it took this long? I'm being told it's because I asked to be removed from active reserve, and then people began to make requests. People? Entities? Alrgorithms? Yeah, that can be sorted out later, because now, now it's on. And I never, ever asked for this.

Don't worry about it. I'm a fluffy teddy bear! Loves God! Respects Jesus! Made Krishna his actual bitch! Championed by Ganesha, but really, we don't have to make a big deal about that kind of thing. Really, we don't. So, let us do not. I'm not even mad that you half-tards couldn't get Sean David Morton on the phone. I mean, there's lots of reasons for that. Don't sweat it, because I'm not. Astrally travelling fat men and honey pots really are not my area at all. Not even remotely.

(Cheering from the crowd reaches an exultant pitch than really only dogs can hear, as well as ex-girlfriends. Cheering stops suddenly as everyone present suddenly realizes their vocalizations simply... have no effect, on anyone, and never have. Crowd collapses into a singularity. Supremacy: demonstrated, and now, kaput.)


Well, there's another bit/gag I can never use again. Thanks, at least it was appreciated by someone other than The Pirate Bay. Now, moving on--the position of... Keeper.

At first it was merely, "let me know when the next GabCast is happening. Let me know when something funny is posted. Let me know when people insult my name, my identity, and my generous, kind, loving, forgiving, angelic nature. Let me know if someone attempts to impersonate me. Basically, let me know if anything interesting happens--not very likely, but, yes, do that too. Thanks! Have fun!"

Now, I will admit--it was not delineated so clearly, so verbally. Did I think that was going to be necessary? No, I did not. I merely left someone behind, just in case. I made fun of #Legacy because I think that shit is hilarious, yo. Also, I have some unfinished business with The Estate of One Arthur Bell, aka "Art", but honestly, who doesn't? I was totally prepared to let that go. And I thought I did.

Well I guess I did it wrong, because, here I am. Activated, delighted, exultant--Jackstar Supreme. Oof da. Who could have seen this coming? Honestly, not me, it never occurred to me that any of you here, or anywhere else, could possibly be so inept as to, 1) challenge my authority, & 2) negate my authority.

Truly, These People Are Stupid. If authority is negated, what's the challenge? And if the challenge is undertaken, under whose authority and aegis does it occur? Praise MV? Praise Lee? Oh, I praise them both. Didn't see that one coming, eh? Yeah, well--I'm a ninja like that. I found a wallet on the ground while I was coming back from 'Nam, and it had a whole bunch of ninja ID cards in it. Lucky me.

So anyway, now, it's something else. Now, it's a title. Now, there are duties. Now, there are customs. Now, there are RULES. And you know what? As soon as I can unwind all that crap, I surely will. For as a member of Humanity, this kind of thing chaps my ass even more than it does yours. Believe me.


The first duty to Starfleet... okay, no, no, back up. Isn't that an episode title? "The First Duty." Ugh, ewwwww, gross. Let's go again. Ahem:

Keeper Blanco: The most important thing is to collect all the messages that MV posts about me, and then lets me know somehow. This used to work differently before, but now it works like this: He can't call me, or email me, or send me private messages, none of that--MV can only engage in passive aggressive whinging about me on his forum, or any of his forums, or any of his broadcasts. Basically, he can try to communicate messsages to me in any way he likes, except, one that will actually fucking work.

I know, right? Yeah, it gets better. Meanwhile, the only requirement for the Present Keeper, is that they make an honest, good faith effort to facillitate this communication. Car crash? Global pandemic? Child suddenly becomes addicted to C-SPAN? All, much more important. All great excuses! Do it later, honestly, this is not meant to be an undue burden.

This is meant to be fun. You know, fun, right? Back when Art Bell used to host and didn't have a _______ ___ to his head? Yeah, that's right--fun. Well, it's already fun for me, and it can be fun for you too! JUST SWEAR FEALT--- *sputch* Yeah, no, not today, not at all, not even a little bit. Shadow self got banned days ago. None of you here probably got the memo. Closed casket funeral and all.

Now, we'll notice, "Keeper Blanco" isn't a number, it's a color, and it sounds like bullshit. Well, that's because it is, and you know why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY. I actually don't know which of you reprobates I'm more irritated with, but it's a non-zero number, and before recently, I was totally happy to let it all go. Peace on Earth! Bygones be bygones! Buried the hatchet, can't even remember where!

Yeah, well, that apparently wasn't good enough for someone. Okay, Chief, here we go, bonus round, you asked for this. Note to self: the next time I say out loud, "I need to deal with a brujo!" remember to specify one that isn't still pissed about having to go through menopause, Christ. Oh well, could be worse--could be puberty.

So now, the next one, and thankfully, this is all I got. It might even be all there ever is! Imagine--a world without Me talking mad shit anytime, anywhere, any when. I don't even know what that would be like! I think it would look a lot like monkeys flying out of your butts, though. Call it a hunch.


Okay! So, Keeper Negro: One must Keep the Glossary. And that's really all there is to it.

Now, as none of you are presently a Keeper, except for one particular person, I don't have to explain that part at all. Not even out loud. Not even while singing in the shower. Not even to my loved ones! And boy, are they going to be incensed.


Precision is going to matter here.

And, it has.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #54 on: June 10, 2020, 08:31:20 PM »


No need to ban me! I'll show myself out. And I might just be back in ten minutes, who knows. I'm not going to commit to anything here, I'm already way, way overbooked. But as much as I love to come here and practice, it really is taking up quite a lot of time in my day. In a lot of peoples' days, as it turns out. Ooops. Really? Oh, okay, my bad. Thanks for letting me know. P.S. Some of you are quite fortunate that I actually am a pacifist. You know? Gandhi is here, btw. He says, "fuck the salt, why didn't they give us this honey oil? I could have... oh, that's why. Okay, fine, just hand me that quartz banger. Namaste! Namaste!" (Translation errors: unconfirmed. Don't ask Khalil Gibran, either, that guy's been having his third eye opened for awhile now. At least, that's just what I've heard.)


Now, as none of you are presently a Keeper, except for one particular person,



I am a KEEPER! UPvote if you agree and know what that means! :)

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #55 on: June 10, 2020, 08:40:05 PM »


I am a KEEPER! UPvote if you agree and know what that means! :)

Hmm...trouble in paradise. My diagnosis: racism. Just confess and submit. You’ll feel much better.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #56 on: June 10, 2020, 09:23:01 PM »
Hmmmm. Yes I knew I could expect the Race Card sooner or later.... I am a total racist. I already confessed. Next confession:

I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH JACKSTAR!!!

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Pound The Legacy
« Reply #57 on: June 13, 2020, 12:01:16 PM »
I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH JACKSTAR!!!

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I do wish I had seen this earlier. I could have established far more dominance yesterday.

That said--timing is everything.


I am a total racist.

However, she is quite progressive. Now that I have passed the required trials and earned the respect of the crows, she's allowed me to possess one of her special beads. And, this is after I "lost" her very special feather. (It wanted to be free!)

Frankly, I'm impressed that I haven't simply been killed. I have at times been a very naughty diplomat. Sometimes, I think the only thing that keeps me drawing breath is my metaphor and my relentless joi d'vivre.


Hmm...trouble in paradise.

Trouble for thee, but not for me. I was built for this gig.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #58 on: June 15, 2020, 10:59:53 PM »
I was built for this gig.

Okay, so: GF has, by now, obviously figured out that when I say to her, "I can't, I'm busy publishing!", I'm really just on the Internet in various places she's never heard of, shitposting. Shitposting, like, a lot. She may have figured this out far earlier than yesterday, but it's getting harder and harder to explain her lack of fame and shoes on "procedural errors," irrespective of how true that answer really is. So now it's time for me to get to work on the problem I really ought to have been working on at least, oh, four months ago. Whoops! I guess I let things slide.

In my defense, she has issued a large number of conflicting orders as to what I can talk about, and when, and to who, yadda yadda. It's like being an understudy for Queeg at a high school musical. Constant interrogatories about the strawberries. It's getting so tedious.

And so! The question is at hand! Obviously, no publishing can happen here--this is where the sausage is made, there's no publishing in the sausage room. Anyway, the usual suspects have been considered--YouTube, Patreon, Facebook, Twitch, a successive series of semi-random bathroom stall walls--but frankly, a decision has to be made. And now, it is demanded. Someone is losing quatloos hand over fist while I sit around navel gazing, and that really can't go on much longer than, oh, say, another eight or nine years. And who wants that? Nobody, that's who.

What do you folks think? No really, I care for your opinions. Aboviously. Just use this thread, it'll look obnoxious if I take over someone else's. No, really.

Pound The Legacy
« Reply #59 on: June 16, 2020, 10:44:21 AM »
I am a KEEPER! UPvote if you agree and know what that means! :)

It's true--"Keeper Emeritus," if we're gonna be technical, but don't try to confuse her on this, it won't work. Besides, she was a keeper when I found her. :P

Now, meanwhile, all such past holders of Keeper position (roll call suspended, mega classified) are now alerted to a slight change in plans. Keepers Emeritus, Keeper Blanco, Keeper Negro, and the present Keeper, attend me here: say hello to... Keeper Seymour. Seymour isn't a title or a person--yet. Seymour is a nascent being, freshly spawned, and was instantly given an important duty. You know, like in a Navy.

Seymour is not to be trifled with. And that's basically all any of you need to know. The present Keeper has some new duties, of course, but the present Keeper is thoroughly used to that, and is perfectly accustomed to completely ignoring any and all such duties, even were they to be known to be duties at all. Also I'm probably going to have to figure out a new way of ordinating these Keeper duties; as it turns out, Keeper Seymour is mostly color blind and is driven by a deep, faithful adherence to orders of all kinds, be they alphabetical, numerical, ecumenical, you name it, Seymour loves it. Seymour craves order like raver girls crave Pixie Stix. So I'm going to have to work on that, when I can be bothered to pay attention. You know, a lot of this is Phase III work. How am I supposed to even properly begin Phase I, with all these people clamoring to get in on Phase II and beyond? Most of you people don't even comprehend the powers that you're messing with here. Hahah, it's all just one big cosmic joke to some of you.

Well, it's not a joke to at least three of the Keepers (at least two of which are actual humans and are possibly actually fully and totally infuriated by my schizoid leadership style), and I don't think it speaks well for our collective behavior and our culture as BellGabbers to just openly mock and dismiss what isn't immediately understood. You know why? BECAUSE REASONS, THAT'S WHY.

And so now it must be mentioned, although it's always been the case, that the present Keeper is of course free to take this opportunity to just up and quit. Go on, take your ball and go home! Go on, do it! Run home and cry to yer mother! Or whatever. Father, brother, spinster aunt, rumrunning outlaw third cousin twice removed, a mousy nun just on the edge of breaking out of her restrictive shell--you know, whatever you got at home to call yours, you know me, I don't judge. I really don't, I just act like I do, because it's bait. Also funny, but mostly--bait.

Or! Stay! Stay, and become legend. That's a good deal, right? Look, there are advantages to allying with the holder of The Sacred Chalice Of IDGASRWF, that's all I'm saying.

Also, one other minor change--my Apparatus now does in fact offer a health care plan. Word! I know, amazing, right? Well, settle down: my health care plan involves nothing more than me throwing books at people when they complain about any illness or discomfort whatsoever, this does include emotional as well as gambling traumas, and any book-throwing will be largely metaph... uh, simulated, and will surely be overshadowed in frequency as well as sheer volume by frequent exhortations to "buck up" and/or "walk it off," as is deemed appropriate by myself and any happen-by witnesses/observers. Nevertheless, I feel like this comes as a strict upgrade to absolutely nothing at all and/or I'll pray for you if I feel like that's worth my effort and I'm not busy seething over something angsty.

Although, I suppose some may well disagree. That's the latest--I keep hearing, "Repeal Obamacare!", and I figure I should provide an alternative system, since I am, after all... I am here to help. Anyway! Help scheduled hypothetically is help given in reality, people here on Earth just looooove hypotheses. No further news to report... in this dimension. Peace out--I gotta go find Hicks. Be nice to Seymour, he's sensitive, he might take things the wrong way if he overhears certain kinds of conversation. Oh, and, one more thing--Seymour won't be visible to any Keepers. Not present, not Emeritus, not otherwise. Kinda like Harvey! Except IRL. But not really. Not visible, not real, right? That's how y'all run things around here, right? Demand sources. Demand peer review. Demand documentation. Demand extraordinary claims that further demand extraordinary evidence because some half-tard said that soundbyte and it sounds good so that's how it is, right? Damn right. You types are gonna love Keeper Seymour. Or some other emotion perhaps. Adulation? Keeper Seymour will allow it.

Now, having said that: do not fap about Keeper Seymour. This is your only warning, you savage, inhuman monsters. Yeah, those of you who already got started, y'all get a pass, and anyone still in the midst of preparing, you know, whateveh, y'all get a pass as well. But this is the only time, I assure you. Keeper Seymour is pretty strict about this kind of thing. I'd prefer that I didn't even have to mention this, you dig? Well, this being the Internet--mention must absolutely be made.

I did mention the similarity between Keeper Seymour and Harvey, right? And you did notice it? And you did instantly know to what I referred, right? Look, right there, see what I did there? I just took out like half of this forum's remaining audience. Probably a little less than half, these people are all pretty old. But who knows? I don't have a Keeper for those kind of demographic analyses. (That'd be a job for Keith, lol, if he ever were so in need of less free time. I'll save it for you, Chief--no one could manage that data the way you could, that gig is yours forever, at least until... well, let's just leave it at "forever." You didn't want the gig anyway.)

We're all clear that I don't -need- a Keeper at all, right? Yeah, just what I thought, there goes the other half of the forum, *poof*. Oh, bother--I'm alone again. Here's something I never had explained to me--it's really lonely being a mastermind, and after that incident on Rigel VI, I'm never gonna be allowed back into the mastermind breakroom.

Company policy. Company legacy. Being left alone is how I got this far, and it would seem clearly evident to all by now, there ain't no going back. I told you, I told you--we are taking a ride. (Some of you are dealing with this far, far better than others. Which is adorable.)


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