Sredni Vashtar (Missing in Action)

[SredniVashtar]

Oh Pye thank you it is a lovely poem and, if he were here, I'm sure he'd tell you just how lovely it is!  I feel awful for teasing him about his weight, the poor sensitive thing -- he might bear argument reasonably well, but never ridicule.  I don't know which of us delivered the coup de gras but I am quite sure that's what did him in.

If he returns, I promise I shall never mention his burgeoning girth again.  In fact, I will sponsor an Acceptance thread where we all post pictures of our squishy bits for only supportive commentary, and pity the fool who dares to snicker!

My only consolation is that we may have helped him a little with his baking.  He might be a loathsome creature and I despise everything he stands for, but there is no reason he should not have a decent muffin once in a while.

Coup de gras? Just when I think you can't get any worse. If your pasty, withered limbs weren't bad enough, your ignorance of the merest basics concerning medieval execution methods shows yet again why we can never be friends. There are one-legged grocers from Aberdeen, without the trace of any sort of education, who could have avoided that particular land mine.

[AZZERAE]

Speak of the devil!

[K_Dubb]

Coup de gras? Just when I think you can't get any worse. If your pasty, withered limbs weren't bad enough, your ignorance of the merest basics concerning medieval execution methods shows yet again why we can never be friends. There are one-legged grocers from Aberdeen, without the trace of any sort of education, who could have avoided that particular land mine.

Ha, I was hoping you'd find that irresistible!  It is a pun, my dear.  In French.

[Walks_At_Night]

Speak of the devil!

The Dead Hath Risen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SredniVashtar]

Ha, I was hoping you'd find that irresistible!  It is a pun, my dear.  In French.

Ah, twas the lameness than confuseth me. Perhaps it was a busy day at the poodle parlour and you couldn't give this one your full attention. Hard to concentrate when you're covered in suds.

[K_Dubb]

Ah, twas the lameness than confuseth me. Perhaps it was a busy day at the poodle parlour and you couldn't give this one your full attention. Hard to concentrate when you're covered in suds.

Well I did not say it was a good pun but I have been dying for years to use it and this scenario might have been set up just for that purpose.  Nous saluons le retour du diable!

[SredniVashtar]

Nous saluons le retour du diable!

Yes, indeed. Please continue paying homage to how clever and amusing I am, which was, I understand, the original purpose of this well-overdue thread.

[K_Dubb]

Yes, indeed. Please continue paying homage to how clever and amusing I am, which was, I understand, the original purpose of this well-overdue thread.

I will state, not for the first time, that the chance to swordfight with you was the main reason I joined up.

I find I am not done crowing about my pun, though.  It is based, of course, on the familiar English (mis)pronunciation of coup de grâce, a grace blow, without the final sibilant.  To a French speaker, this sounds like a "blow of fat" (gras).

The circumstances required to deploy the pun are complex.  It requires a potentially bilingual audience familiar both with the mispronunciation and the original, a written format to make it clear, and a situation in which "fat" might be substituted for "grace" and both meanings would still make sense via routes that aren't too circuitous.

That in itself would be sufficient to make it work, but the icing on the cake would be some pompous bore shouting about how I was betraying my ignorance who could be brought low with my best impression of Gallic hauteur.

Et viola.

[Metron2267]

In all sincerity, I didn't intend to take any of the compassionate souls on this board emotionally hostage. Illustrating what effect me toying with and documenting felo de se has on others is a much needed wake up call.

For all our disagreements over the time we've been acquainted (respectful and otherwise) these words have touched me the deepest. I'll think twice before being so flippant with the gift life is.

That or start learning those masonic handshakes...

[Metron2267]

Did anyone check the name change thread? 

Sredni Vashtar is a great poster.

Define great.

[Metron2267]

Coup de gras? Just when I think you can't get any worse. If your pasty, withered limbs weren't bad enough, your ignorance of the merest basics concerning medieval execution methods shows yet again why we can never be friends. There are one-legged grocers from Aberdeen, without the trace of any sort of education, who could have avoided that particular land mine.

Mind your knee pads k_dubb, it whinges willfully once more.

[Metron2267]

Yes, indeed. Please continue paying homage to how clever and amusing I am, which was, I understand, the original purpose of this well-overdue thread.

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

I'm contemplating making you the first Mrs Vashtar. I've been visiting my people in Afghanistan (or Bangladesh) recently and they've started asking uncomfortable questions about my relationship with my two young friends Mahmood and Zaheer. I can't understand a bloody word they're saying, of course, but the way they keep pointing at me and speaking in high-pitched voices tells me I might be perilously close to exposure. Therefore I need a convincing cover story.

Physically I'm nothing to write home about. I barely scrape three feet in my Cuban heels and I need two separate scales to weigh my big doughy ass (600 pounds, give or take). Basically I'm like a brown mozzarella ball with vestigial flippers attached. It's going to be what they call in Italy a 'mariage blanc', although you'll have to bounce up and down on me a bit to satisfy my relatives on the wedding night. Pay no attention to the viewing gallery, they paid good money to see it and they all carry scimitars.

On the up side, I am sixteenth in line to a goat ranch just outside Kabul. You're one decent blood feud away from every girl's dream!. You can kiss goodbye to insecure, poorly paid agency work, and say hello to a life of keeping the wolves off at night with a wooden paddle. If that's not good enough, I also have a small but significant stake in a carpet factory in the heart of glamorous Mogadishu. You can help with the management side. Frankly the sweated labour isn't sweating nearly enough for my liking and they're starting to demand things like 5 minute lunch breaks. When I tell them to work 25 hour days I don't want to hear any more of their 'Missy Vasster, ees impossibull!' So get in there with a bayonet and reason with them.

I know we've had our differences in the past. I may have called you a man, and mad as a snake, but your touching appeal moved what passes for my heart. I don't want to be disinherited and it's a stressful time seeing Mahmood through eighth grade while trying to keep social services from sniffing about. I may be loathsome by any conceivable metric but I doubt I'll last more than a couple of years anyway. My last trip to the bathroom took two weeks to complete successfully so I think your wipe stick duties may not go on too long.

Hey! you're back.  Suck my dick.

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

Hard to concentrate when you're covered in puds.

I saw a JAV vid once with that as the central theme.  It was a chick though, not a guy.  Not surprising that the dick-tooters would want to have their own version.  Do you cam?  I might tune in just for the novelty of it.

[Metron2267]

[Kidnostad3]

I'm contemplating making you the first Mrs Vashtar. I've been visiting my people in Afghanistan (or Bangladesh) recently and they've started asking uncomfortable questions about my relationship with my two young friends Mahmood and Zaheer. I can't understand a bloody word they're saying, of course, but the way they keep pointing at me and speaking in high-pitched voices tells me I might be perilously close to exposure. Therefore I need a convincing cover story.

Physically I'm nothing to write home about. I barely scrape three feet in my Cuban heels and I need two separate scales to weigh my big doughy ass (600 pounds, give or take). Basically I'm like a brown mozzarella ball with vestigial flippers attached. It's going to be what they call in Italy a 'mariage blanc', although you'll have to bounce up and down on me a bit to satisfy my relatives on the wedding night. Pay no attention to the viewing gallery, they paid good money to see it and they all carry scimitars.

On the up side, I am sixteenth in line to a goat ranch just outside Kabul. You're one decent blood feud away from every girl's dream!. You can kiss goodbye to insecure, poorly paid agency work, and say hello to a life of keeping the wolves off at night with a wooden paddle. If that's not good enough, I also have a small but significant stake in a carpet factory in the heart of glamorous Mogadishu. You can help with the management side. Frankly the sweated labour isn't sweating nearly enough for my liking and they're starting to demand things like 5 minute lunch breaks. When I tell them to work 25 hour days I don't want to hear any more of their 'Missy Vasster, ees impossibull!' So get in there with a bayonet and reason with them.

I know we've had our differences in the past. I may have called you a man, and mad as a snake, but your touching appeal moved what passes for my heart. I don't want to be disinherited and it's a stressful time seeing Mahmood through eighth grade while trying to keep social services from sniffing about. I may be loathsome by any conceivable metric but I doubt I'll last more than a couple of years anyway. My last trip to the bathroom took two weeks to complete successfully so I think your wipe stick duties may not go on too long.

WHO LOVES YA SV?  (It was her babka that brought you back wasn't it?)

[Kidnostad3]

I will state, not for the first time, that the chance to swordfight with you was the main reason I joined up.

I find I am not done crowing about my pun, though.  It is based, of course, on the familiar English (mis)pronunciation of coup de grâce, a grace blow, without the final sibilant.  To a French speaker, this sounds like a "blow of fat" (gras).

The circumstances required to deploy the pun are complex.  It requires a potentially bilingual audience familiar both with the mispronunciation and the original, a written format to make it clear, and a situation in which "fat" might be substituted for "grace" and both meanings would still make sense via routes that aren't too circuitous.

That in itself would be sufficient to make it work, but the icing on the cake would be some pompous bore shouting about how I was betraying my ignorance who could be brought low with my best impression of Gallic hauteur.

Et viola.

Are you sure?  I translated that as "Your mother has large breasts." Just sayin'

[K_Dubb]

Mind your knee pads k_dubb, it whinges willfully once more.

You will have to forgive me if I decline the engagement for what, out of delicacy, I will call personal reasons.  I hope you and Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama find the happiness you seek.

Cool pictures!

[Jojo]

In all sincerity, I didn't intend to take any of the compassionate souls on this board emotionally hostage. Illustrating what effect me toying with and documenting felo de se has on others is a much needed wake up call.

For all our disagreements over the time we've been acquainted (respectful and otherwise) these words have touched me the deepest. I'll think twice before being so flippant with the gift life is.

Either smarmy, fake or chameleon.

[K_Dubb]

Are you sure?  I translated that as "Your mother has large breasts." Just sayin'

Yikes!  I should be careful mincing about in foreign tongues and stick to English as it is spoken in the good old U S of A.

[Jojo]

I'm contemplating making you the first Mrs Vashtar. I've been visiting my people in Afghanistan (or Bangladesh) recently and they've started asking uncomfortable questions about my relationship with my two young friends Mahmood and Zaheer. I can't understand a bloody word they're saying, of course, but the way they keep pointing at me and speaking in high-pitched voices tells me I might be perilously close to exposure. Therefore I need a convincing cover story.

Physically I'm nothing to write home about. I barely scrape three feet in my Cuban heels and I need two separate scales to weigh my big doughy ass (600 pounds, give or take). Basically I'm like a brown mozzarella ball with vestigial flippers attached. It's going to be what they call in Italy a 'mariage blanc', although you'll have to bounce up and down on me a bit to satisfy my relatives on the wedding night. Pay no attention to the viewing gallery, they paid good money to see it and they all carry scimitars.

On the up side, I am sixteenth in line to a goat ranch just outside Kabul. You're one decent blood feud away from every girl's dream!. You can kiss goodbye to insecure, poorly paid agency work, and say hello to a life of keeping the wolves off at night with a wooden paddle. If that's not good enough, I also have a small but significant stake in a carpet factory in the heart of glamorous Mogadishu. You can help with the management side. Frankly the sweated labour isn't sweating nearly enough for my liking and they're starting to demand things like 5 minute lunch breaks. When I tell them to work 25 hour days I don't want to hear any more of their 'Missy Vasster, ees impossibull!' So get in there with a bayonet and reason with them.

I know we've had our differences in the past. I may have called you a man, and mad as a snake, but your touching appeal moved what passes for my heart. I don't want to be disinherited and it's a stressful time seeing Mahmood through eighth grade while trying to keep social services from sniffing about. I may be loathsome by any conceivable metric but I doubt I'll last more than a couple of years anyway. My last trip to the bathroom took two weeks to complete successfully so I think your wipe stick duties may not go on too long.

Well, welcome back!  There is no ferret alive interested in anything blanc!  With less protein and more broccoli, who knows how your SHBG will measure.  And if your toilet seat is still in one piece after that trip, then you're way ahead of my best.

Oh wait.  I get it now.  A cover story.  Two can live as cheap as one and the idea of a cover story sounds fascinating.  I hadn't even thought of that in my situation, but that is quite an idea.  Alas, world history and civics were not required on the U.S. west coast.  I'd be bound to bore your dry reserve and flowery, world wise nature with my insightful, rather loud, down-to-earth practical nature, lol.

[SredniVashtar]

Well, welcome back!  There is no ferret alive interested in anything blanc!  With less protein and more broccoli, who knows how your SHBG will measure.  And if your toilet seat is still in one piece after that trip, then you're way ahead of my best.

Oh wait.  I get it now.  A cover story.  Two can live as cheap as one and the idea of a cover story sounds fascinating.  I hadn't even thought of that in my situation, but that is quite an idea.  Alas, world history and civics were not required on the U.S. west coast.  I'd be bound to bore your dry reserve and flowery, world wise nature with my insightful, rather loud, down-to-earth practical nature, lol.

I now consider you wooed and won. Kindly ask your people to let my people know what sort of dowry to expect, the custom in my tribe is 30 camels and 500 pounds of heroin. Don't bother losing any weight, we like them big over there and it enhances my status. I promise to keep the sex to a minimum but I need an heir to stop my evil one-eyed brother Majid ('The Bastard of Bamiyan') from getting any ideas. He already fucked with my plan to call the goat ranch 'Disneyland Kabul' by squealing to Orlando and getting the shit lawyered out of me.

[SredniVashtar]

Are you sure?  I translated that as "Your mother has large breasts." Just sayin'

That would be more appropriate in Le Falkie thread.

[SredniVashtar]

I have been dying for years

If only! I've got some flowers and I know just where to stick them.

[K_Dubb]

If only! I've got some flowers and I know just where to stick them.

BTW "et viola" is payback for "vile consort" which you once thought so clever that you bolded and surrounded with arrows and sirens and lights just in case I missed it, so let's keep our standards in perspective.

[SredniVashtar]

BTW "et viola" is payback for "vile consort" which you once thought so clever that you bolded and surrounded with arrows and sirens and lights just in case I missed it, so let's keep our standards in perspective.

Listen, you insufferable Nancy. In soccer terms, I picked up the ball on the halfway line, beat four men, and then whacked it in the top corner. I was just giving due respect to a moment of Wildean brilliance. Don't even try to compare your shitty attempt at wit with my superior effort.

You're just bitter now I'm engaged to Tangerine and your hopeless verses were wasted on desert air.

[K_Dubb]

Listen, you insufferable Nancy. In soccer terms, I picked up the ball on the halfway line, beat four men, and then whacked it in the top corner. I was just giving due respect to a moment of Wildean brilliance. Don't even try to compare your shitty attempt at wit with my superior effort.

You're just bitter now I'm engaged to Tangerine and your hopeless verses were wasted on desert air.

Whew that's a lot of Wildean something!  At least Proust had the decency to conceal himself in the shrubbery.

And I am not at all bitter; I will send you off with a sonnet once I hear the banns read.  Nothing curdles the verses that spill from the muse's ewer quite like a ring.  We poets are always meant to yearn.

[SredniVashtar]

Whew that's a lot of Wildean something!  At least Proust had the decency to conceal himself in the shrubbery.

And I am not at all bitter; I will send you off with a sonnet once I hear the banns read.  Nothing curdles the verses that spill from the muse's ewer quite like a ring.  We poets are always meant to yearn.

Bitter as a witches tit! You're probably already hatching yet more racist fat-shaming to throw at me, you and that elderly Valkyrie.

I can't help thinking you're getting Proust and Joyce confused. Not that I'd expect a fellow like you to have read Joyce anyway.

[K_Dubb]

Bitter as a witches tit! You're probably already hatching yet more racist fat-shaming to throw at me, you and that elderly Valkyrie.

I can't help thinking you're getting Proust and Joyce confused. Not that I'd expect a fellow like you to have read Joyce anyway.

No, I think it's in Swann's Way.  He's wandering in the garden waiting for some female form to appear, I think in a tower he can see in the distance or something.  It's one of the most strikingly erotic descriptions, even in translation -- you have to reread it once to make sure what he's talking about but, even as a callow youth, I got it.

[Jojo]

I now consider you wooed and won. Kindly ask your people to let my people know what sort of dowry to expect, the custom in my tribe is 30 camels and 500 pounds of heroin. Don't bother losing any weight, we like them big over there and it enhances my status. I promise to keep the sex to a minimum but I need an heir to stop my evil one-eyed brother Majid ('The Bastard of Bamiyan') from getting any ideas. He already fucked with my plan to call the goat ranch 'Disneyland Kabul' by squealing to Orlando and getting the shit lawyered out of me.

A reverse dowry?  Oh, that's hot, honey!

I'll still be big when I finally hit 130lbs.  Trust me.  I've always been large for my size, whether size 6 or size XL.  Even in a size 6 I can't wear button-downs gracefully.

Oh, a demand letter even from the best attorney isn't that bad - after all, the evil one paid for it, lol.  The organic farm will be fine!

Americans aren't familiar with large dowries including billions of dollars of heroin, so save your reverse dowry resources for Christmas, a few birthdays and Mother's Day.  Some wedding rings are made of metals that cannot be sawed off in emergencies, so I would prefer we both have rings made of gold for safety's sake.  Here, there are engagement rings as well as wedding rings.

Are there any photos of you circulating with female non-relatives closer than 2" to you?  Like on social media?

I cook healthy food, Srendi.  So be encouraged.

I need a cover story because my boyfriend is taking care of his far-away uncle (who seems to be living forever).  The estrangement has lasted years, so people are starting to doubt my story and wonder if he is real, especially since he doesn't exactly have a lot of wages to send home.  If a cloistered pregnancy/weaning and genetically similar adoption would work, he would be a lot happier.  I'm sure you have the other side of your story to turn to when nature calls...  It would be noble, in any case, to get an orphan infant out of the potential foster system or whatever it's called where you are.