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My Descent Into Psychosis

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AZZERAE:
The log book and recollections of a Schizophrenic.

AZZERAE:
Paranoia I

Earlier this year was when my fall into absolute solipsism occurred. I will detail the events as best I can recall, however, due to the nature of the psychiatric medications I am on, and their doses, my memory operates at a far lesser degree that it once did. This is both a relief and a tragedy.

Over the period of approximately 6 months, I began believing I was to be assassinated. I boarded up the windows of my city apartment and a feeling of intense adrenaline and overwhelming dread engulfed me I'd never felt anything at the intensity I was experiencing it, at the time. An anxiousness of extreme proportions incessantly lived in the centre of my chest, and my stomach was constantly shifting between excruciating pain, and a wide array of uneasiness.

During this time there were many instances where I acted out of character. Personal tasks took on a gargantuan impossibility, and I was losing touch with reality in every sense one could do so. When full psychosis took hold, I could see camera's in the ceiling of my apartment, in my mind's eye, as well as physically. I had convinced myself I was being watched, and hid from strangers a block away when they would go about their business, and even though its highly unlikely they could see me at all, I believed they were watching and monitoring my every move, planning my demise. This went on day and night. I did not discuss this with anybody, because, to me, it was really happening, and I had been spending 99% of my waking hours alone.

Small things became large, my perceptions became more and more distorted, and unbeknownst to me, I was heading toward complete and utter insanity. I'd shift between elation, on cloud 9, filled with urgency and ecstasy, to low, low cycles of the blackest, inescapable depression.

You might at this point ask yourself, how could such a capable, seemingly intelligent individual as I possibly have gone through something that so evidently resembled "crazy". Well, a lot of you dislike my way, and that's fine, but I do hope you can parse the fact I'm one smart cookie from the fact I'm someone who you don't care to engage with, due to my unsavoury personality traits that jar with yours.

I'm writing this because I want you all to know that sometimes my paranoia gets the best of me. That when this happens, its easy as pie (or has been) for me to buy in to the possibly ludicrous conspiracies against and surrounding certain prominent users of the forum.

I'd like to apologize, but its hard, since the courtesy I'd be giving those with bad intentions would not be given to me in return. Suffice it to say, I don't particularly believe some of the "common consensus" about perceived overlords watching over and commanding an ominous presence, targeting peons such as I for their own amusement. While there may be but a kernel of truth to any of it remains irrelevant to me now, since I have for a couple 3 months begun to recover fully from the specific delusions that made me act out.

I sincerely trust you'll take that for what it's worth.

starramus:
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I highly recommend this book. It very well might mean the beginning of your cure. The most important point brought out in the book is to "avoid the listening mode".

Dr. MD MD:
You two have my vote for biggest Bellgab psychos.

AZZERAE:

--- Quote from: starramus on August 04, 2019, 06:52:13 AM ---"avoid the listening mode".

--- End quote ---

Hey, thanks!

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