That's how I felt at the time too, I really fucking hates [my brother] for years.
I'll beat the shit out of other men all day long, but was raised to know, you
never lift your hand to a woman. Under any circumstances whatsoever. I guess it's just that coming out in me.
I'm a spitting image of my father, the same father that left all of us in some pretty unfavorable positions. It doesn't make up for it, but I came to understand that when my brother looked at me, he saw his father. The same father, whom did something extremely selfish that would scar his children for life.
So am I. A splitting image of my late old man. He couldn't provide, drank and ate himself to death. So I carry guilt around in family situations oftentimes, feeling bad for reminding everyone what he was like, and all the mistakes he made.
Azzerae, Do you think you would be the artist that you are today had you not struggled with mental illness? Had the pressures been removed from you, would you still posses the capacity to piece together a forum overnight, just because you got banned from a platform that you preferred? Would you have the courage, to put on females clothing and makeup, or make an avatar of yourself flipping the bird to the world that rejects you? (Probably Not) It's up to you to decide what you allow those experiences to mean to you, it can create you, or break you. Sometimes I think your'e undecided as to whether or not, you think, you're worth it. The idea, that any of us are all alone is total nonsense.
I have mixed feelings about this question. I was always a little out there, and became more so when I started smoking pot and drinking all day long in university. I always had mood problems. I always went through bouts of crippling paranoia. I was told, as a child, psychiatry is nonsense. That therapists are the
most screwy of all. The attitude was, as a lower middle class family, that depression was something you just soldiered through - that
everyone had problems. I had a pretty severe case of epilepsy as a kid, but the doctors couldn't really provide any solid answers as to why, and the medication I had to take was hit and miss. I grow up, I get into my late teens, early twenties and I'm full of anger. Never dealt with my fathers death. But I tend to want to say to you that I would be much better off, and be more successful as an artist than I am now, had I not began hearing voices and gotten diagnosed with Schizophrenia. The one thing a layman may not know about this disorder is how deeply it affects ones ability to concentrate. I used to be so damn prolific, and have such A grade turnaround times in my project management and working life...but ever since I had my first psychotic break (which I can barely remember clearly, other people had to witness it) I just can't sit down and complete a task. I can be in a somewhat empty room without stimulation from anything "outside" of myself for hours and hours, and be totally fine. Apparently that isn't normal. People confuse this with
laziness. No. I can't focus on or manage one task for an extended period, let alone multitask. My podcasts are a way I feel I have been able to deal with not wasting away my days and having nothing to show for them. If anyone has listened to the couple live streams I've initiated, they'll know that I sound
a lot less put together, and I have moments where my mind just goes blank out of nowhere, and I can't even remember what point it was I was trying to make. Luckily, I'm proficient at editing sound files, so I can cover any flubs I make in post-prod (not being live). So, I do see what you're saying, that the things that are wrong with me have shaped my life in a way, but I must say, I am not happy at how much Schizophrenia has robbed me of. The common consensus
is, that an artist making valuable work suffers for it, and I have, and I do...but I don't revel in that...I'd much prefer life to be a tad more comfortable. Schizophrenia never gave me any courage. The only courage I can find is a haphazard pastiche of my past acts of courage, cobbled together in an attempt to get through a regular day that most other people would breeze through without batting an eyelid.
