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How do you get your favorite porn star to fall for you and move in with you?

Started by Mordred478, July 11, 2008, 06:11:20 PM

Caruthers612


      While I could be devoting the little gray cells to learning chess, mastering Japanese or opening a portal between my septic tank and Azeroth, I seem unable to focus on anything other than this one question. And why would I? I mean, is there anything else that matters? Let's get real.
       So far, since I possess neither gobs of money, fame, nor a member the size of...er, I mean, great industry contacts, I have come up with a big fat nothing. I am open to suggestions. Let's put our heads together, fellas, if you'll pardon the expression; this is in our mutual interest. What does it take? How can it be done? How do you go from loser working at Paddy's Cabbage Emporium to Gianna Michael's official mattress tester (do the visual)?

M

I'd only let Rachel Rotten move in with me. She's only done porn with her ex-boyfriend and is a smoking hot punk/gothic-looking chick. Too bad she left the business so early. ...Well, for me, anyways.

Anyways, confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac we have. Work out, eat right, keep a good wit, and overall - take care of business. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man who can take care of her through anything, so you have to take care of yourself first - mind, body, and spirit. I guess the rest of it depends on personality and aesthetic chemistry.

Also, maybe stop looking for porn stars?  ;D

MV/Liberace!

i would recommend that you ditch the porn star idea and consider finding a woman from morocco.  since morocco is among the most liberal islamic cultures in the world, i don't think this is so far fetched.

i know you're jewish, and the incongruity at first glance might seem overwhelming, but hear me out.

first, they are some of the most beautiful women on this planet.  however, i'm partial to ANY woman with dark skin.
second, they are among the most loyal.
third, they are among the most feminine.
fourth, they are easy to please.
fifth, they enjoy pleasing their husbands.
sixth, they have a strong moral center.
seventh, they are very strong women and possess an unusually potent desire to succeed in a capitalistic system.  the entrepreneurial spirit can be very difficult to find in a woman.
eighth, they enjoy it when a man acts like a man rather than feeling threatened or disgusted by it.
ninth, they are tough and aren't afraid to kick your ass when you need it.  helps to keep you on the right track.
tenth, they believe in having sex with their husbands as a matter of spousal duty, not as a matter of reward as if you're some puppy who didn't shit on the floor while the owners were gone.
eleventh, they are very maternal.

umm... i'm out of reasons.

i find any woman who possesses these characteristics to be far sexier than any porn star.

Selenolycus

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 11, 2008, 08:01:59 PM
i would recommend that you ditch the porn star idea and consider finding a woman from morocco.  since morocco is among the most liberal islamic cultures in the world, i don't think this is so far fetched.

i know you're jewish, and the incongruity at first glance might seem overwhelming, but hear me out.

first, they are some of the most beautiful women on this planet.  however, i'm partial to ANY woman with dark skin.
second, they are among the most loyal.
third, they are among the most feminine.
fourth, they are easy to please.
fifth, they enjoy pleasing their husbands.
sixth, they have a strong moral center.
seventh, they are very strong women and possess an unusually potent desire to succeed in a capitalistic system.  the entrepreneurial spirit can be very difficult to find in a woman.
eighth, they enjoy it when a man acts like a man rather than feeling threatened or disgusted by it.
ninth, they are tough and aren't afraid to kick your ass when you need it.  helps to keep you on the right track.
tenth, they believe in having sex with their husbands as a matter of spousal duty, not as a matter of reward as if you're some puppy who didn't shit on the floor while the owners were gone.

umm... i'm out of reasons.

i find any woman who possesses these characteristics to be far sexier than any porn star.


Is your wife Moroccan or something?

EvB


I dunno if I'm dismayed or amused.  Right under that lovely picture of MV and his stunning bride is a bright banner that says: "Are YOU Afraid of Women?"

One more for the "weird ads" list.



EvB

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 11, 2008, 08:01:59 PM


tenth, they believe in having sex with their husbands as a matter of spousal duty, not as a matter of reward as if you're some puppy who didn't shit on the floor while the owners were gone.

umm... i'm out of reasons.

i find any woman who possesses these characteristics to be far sexier than any porn star.


I'm glad you find real, warm people more satisfying than porn stars - and most of your list sounded pretty good really - but did you really mean the above line the way it reads?  (at least to me)  I mean, I think that pleasing one's spouse in any number of ways is good and SMART - happy people are easier to live with and you both end up with a better life.  That's cool. 

But, as for me and my house - while I'm not opposed to the occasional "be a good sport" version of sex - the idea of regular "duty f*cks" sounds kinda depressing.   

----> is now running for the hills . . .

Quote from: EvB on July 12, 2008, 11:41:49 AM
I'm glad you find real, warm people more satisfying than porn stars - and most of your list sounded pretty good really - but did you really mean the above line the way it reads?  (at least to me)  I mean, I think that pleasing one's spouse in any number of ways is good and SMART - happy people are easier to live with and you both end up with a better life.  That's cool. 

But, as for me and my house - while I'm not opposed to the occasional "be a good sport" version of sex - the idea of regular "duty f*cks" sounds kinda depressing.   

----> is now running for the hills . . .

I think you just proved his point...

MV/Liberace!

Quote from: EvB on July 12, 2008, 11:41:49 AM
I'm glad you find real, warm people more satisfying than porn stars - and most of your list sounded pretty good really - but did you really mean the above line the way it reads?  (at least to me)  I mean, I think that pleasing one's spouse in any number of ways is good and SMART - happy people are easier to live with and you both end up with a better life.  That's cool. 

But, as for me and my house - while I'm not opposed to the occasional "be a good sport" version of sex - the idea of regular "duty f*cks" sounds kinda depressing.   

----> is now running for the hills . . .
by the way, i have added one more short yet significant item to my list.

evb... i'm trying to think of a way to soften what i said, but i'm having a difficult time coming up with a way to do so because honestly, i meant it. 

i don't explicitly mean to suggest duty fucks should be the order of the day.  however, i do believe a husband and wife do in fact have a duty... an obligation... to please one another sexually.  if someone pledges monogamy within the confines of marriage, i think they have agreed to facilitate the continuance of that monogamy.  there is only one way to do so.

this is, mind you, a two way street.  if a man wants his wife to keep him satisfied, he'd better treat her the way a woman wants to be treated, and he'll get what he wants.  and it will be because she WANTS to give it to him rather than because of any sense of obligation. 

while my statement might sound on the surface to be socially unpopular in nature, everybody knows it's what most men want but are afraid to say.

that said, i'm a firm believer in the power women have over men in relationships.  the shame is, many women seem to be unaware that it is in fact THEY who have the power.  men are quite simple, really.

you know something... you'll chuckle at this... but i knew you would have something to say about that portion of my post and i have been awaiting your reply since the moment i posted it!!  haha.  you're great, evb.


edit:  one more thing...
if a woman were having sex with her husband out of mere obligation rather than desire, it's not going to be a fraction as enjoyable for either party.  this is where i think a man has to get his shit together and make her want him so that he can have the kind of sex he wants to have.  again... treat her like a queen and everybody wins.  she just needs to be sure to give him a motivation to do so.  ergo, the power women have over men.

holy shit i hope this all came out the way i intended.

EvB

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM
by the way, i have added one more short yet significant item to my list.

an obligation... to please one another sexually.  if someone pledges monogamy within the confines of marriage, i think they have agreed to facilitate the continuance of that monogamy.  there is only one way to do so.[/qote]

Fair enough.


Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM
this is, mind you, a two way street.  [/qote]

Fairer still.

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM

while my statement might sound on the surface to be socially unpopular in nature, everybody knows it's what most men want but are afraid to say.

True - but I'm a Gloria Steinem baby - and sometimes I just can't help myself.  You know - I still cringe every time I think of an old boyfriend of mine (who was sweet as pie - but often a social clod) who ACTUALLY went UP to Ms. Steinem after a talk of hers we both attended (that's the sweet as pie part) and said (social clod alert)  "Wow!  I'm amazed you're so PRETTY!"  You'll be interested to know that Steinem was gracious enough to say "why, thank you." as I slunk away.

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM

you know something... you'll chuckle at this... but i knew you would have something to say about that portion of my post and i have been awaiting your reply since the moment i posted it!!  haha. 


You're right - that's funny!


Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM

holy shit i hope this all came out the way i intended.

I think you did good!

;D

EvB

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 12, 2008, 07:09:27 PM


edit:  one more thing...
if a woman were having sex with her husband out of mere obligation rather than desire, it's not going to be a fraction as enjoyable for either party.  this is where i think a man has to get his shit together and make her want him so that he can have the kind of sex he wants to have.  again... treat her like a queen and everybody wins.  she just needs to be sure to give him a motivation to do so.  ergo, the power women have over men.

holy shit i hope this all came out the way i intended.

Not only did that come out nicely - but I predict you hav a chance of beating the odds and STAYING MARRIED!


MV/Liberace!

Quote
You know - I still cringe every time I think of an old boyfriend of mine (who was sweet as pie - but often a social clod) who ACTUALLY went UP to Ms. Steinem after a talk of hers we both attended (that's the sweet as pie part) and said (social clod alert)  "Wow!  I'm amazed you're so PRETTY!"  You'll be interested to know that Steinem was gracious enough to say "why, thank you." as I slunk away.
actually, while it's surprising he'd actually SAY that, it doesn't surprise me he'd THINK that.  most radical feminists, whether this observation gets me killed or not, are unattractive (and not just physically).

that's why they became radical feminists.  they couldn't acquire power over men in the way women traditionally have, so they chose the only option they had... militant feminism.

[/asking_for_a_beating]


EvB

I just got my reading list for my last round of Brit Lit.  Kipling is on it.  I've always loved Kipling - and cut my teeth on "Just So Stories"  So - what on earth does that have to do with this thread? 

Well, one of the things that both intrigues and frustrates me about Kipling is that it's often hard to tell if he's serious or satirical. (Rather like our Cam   :-* ) He may not have known himself!  When I saw Kipling's name on the syllabus, I thought of one of his poems that I truly love - even if it can be interpreted as sexist (it doesn't actually strike me that way, I  lean toward the 'satirical' take on most of his work).  Then, I remembered this thread. 

Since this poem is in the public domain, I just pasted the whole thing here.



                           The Female of the Species

    WHEN the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
    He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
    But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    When Nag the basking cobra hears the careless foot of man,
    He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can.
    But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws,
    They prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws.
    'Twas the women, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,
    For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;
    But when hunter meets with husbands, each confirms the other's tale—
    The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    Man, a bear in most relations—worm and savage otherwise,—
    Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise.
    Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact
    To its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.

    Fear, or foolishness, impels him, ere he lay the wicked low,
    To concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe.
    Mirth obscene diverts his anger—Doubt and Pity oft perplex
    Him in dealing with an issue—to the scandal of The Sex!

    But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame
    Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same;
    And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,
    The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

    She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast
    May not deal in doubt or pity—must not swerve for fact or jest.
    These be purely male diversions—not in these her honour dwells—
    She the Other Law we live by, is that Law and nothing else.

    She can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great
    As the Mother of the Infant and the Mistress of the Mate.
    And when Babe and Man are lacking and she strides unclaimed to claim
    Her right as femme (and baron), her equipment is the same.

    She is wedded to convictions—in default of grosser ties;
    Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him who denies!—
    He will meet no suave discussion, but the instant, white-hot, wild,
    Wakened female of the species warring as for spouse and child.

    Unprovoked and awful charges—even so the she-bear fights,
    Speech that drips, corrodes, and poisons—even so the cobra bites,
    Scientific vivisection of one nerve till it is raw
    And the victim writhes in anguish—like the Jesuit with the squaw!

    So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer
    With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her
    Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands
    To some God of Abstract Justice—which no woman understands.

    And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him
    Must command but may not govern—shall enthral but not enslave him.
    And She knows, because She warns him, and Her instincts never fail,
    That the Female of Her Species is more deadly than the Male.

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Caruthers612

      In the words of Phil Hendrie: Jee-yee-yee-yeezuss! I just discovered the explosive and disomfitingly vituperative (well, at least a little) responses to my SATIRICAL post of a few daze ago entitled "How do you get your favorite porn star to trip and fall ass-first on your face" or some such nonsense. As I just indicated, I intended it as humor, but was clearly mighty mistook. True, I wouldn't cruelly deny Ryan Conner her lifelong dream of using my face as a bicycle seat (is there a theme here?), but I not in the market for a porn star wife. Actually, I'm not in the market for any kind of wife. Even the twenty-year-old mail-order kind from the Philipines who wears a "Naughty & Nice" T-shirt in her personal ad. (Inside joke).
      As for the advice about Morrocan women, Mike, thanks. Sadly, though, just as you goyem go for the dark-skinned ones, we Red Sea Pedestrians tend towards the Hitler Youth. Ain't it always the way...

Mordred, killing Pterrodax in Azeroth

P.S. I hear George Noory ain't married. Maybe we should concentrate on fixing him up with a nice German scheise video star.

EvB

Quote from: Mordred478 on July 17, 2008, 12:21:44 PM
      In the words of Phil Hendrie: Jee-yee-yee-yeezuss! I just discovered the explosive and disomfitingly vituperative (well, at least a little) responses to my SATIRICAL post of a few daze ago entitled "How do you get your favorite porn star to trip and fall ass-first on your face" or some such nonsense. As I just indicated, I intended it as humor, but was clearly mighty mistook.


HUH!??  Not at all!  We're just like that.  "Geeks on a tangent."

slipstream

Quote from: Mordred478 on July 11, 2008, 06:11:20 PM
      While I could be devoting the little gray cells to learning chess, mastering Japanese or opening a portal between my septic tank and Zeroth, I seem unable to focus on anything other than this one question. And why would I? I mean, is there anything else that matters? Let's get real.
       So far, since I possess neither gobs of money, fame, nor a member the size of...ER, I mean, great industry contacts, I have come up with a big fat nothing. I am open to suggestions. Let's put our heads together, fellas, if you'll pardon the expression; this is in our mutual interest. What does it take? How can it be done? How do you go from loser working at Paddy's Cabbage Emporium to Gianna Michael's official mattress tester (do the visual)?

M


       What exactly has brought you to this lowly state of wanting a porn star?  Most porn stars run a long the type of being spoiled.  Go for a real girl they are much easier to get  ;)

EvB

Quote from: slipstream on July 17, 2008, 02:23:23 PM
       What exactly has brought you to this lowly state of wanting a porn star?  Most porn stars run a long the type of being spoiled.  Go for a real girl they are much easier to get  ;)

Oh now Slipstream - I was just reassuring the guy that no one was taking him over-seriously here, and now you go and chide him. Poor, poor confuzzled Mordred.

I still say most of us took it in the spirit in which it was intended.


EvB


Quote from: EvB on July 17, 2008, 03:26:53 PM
Huh - she reminds me a bit of Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction

Same here. Uma's character in Pulp was probably my first real actress crush, so it makes sense.

slipstream

Quote from: EvB on July 17, 2008, 02:47:45 PM
Oh now Slipstream - I was just reassuring the guy that no one was taking him over-seriously here, and now you go and chide him. Poor, poor confuzzled Mordred.

I still say most of us took it in the spirit in which it was intended.

   I am sorry that I disrupted the tone that the discussion was going.

Quote from: Pirate King Atomsk on July 17, 2008, 03:24:30 PM
I still wouldn't mind having Rachel Rotten move in with me.  ;D




She looks like a tranny. no offense. she probably looks better when she isn't posing for pictures.

mordred, I'm guessing you wouldn't have too hard a time bagging a porn star, or at least a porn...actress? You just have to find 'em. If you want one of the ones that looks like a comic book character, that might be more difficult, but maybe not. They already make money, I'm guessing, so they probably just want someone who won't punch their teeth out.

M Knight

Quote from: Michael Vandeven on July 11, 2008, 08:01:59 PM
i would recommend that you ditch the porn star idea and consider finding a woman from morocco.  since morocco is among the most liberal islamic cultures in the world, i don't think this is so far fetched.

i know you're jewish, and the incongruity at first glance might seem overwhelming, but hear me out.

first, they are some of the most beautiful women on this planet.  however, i'm partial to ANY woman with dark skin.
second, they are among the most loyal.
third, they are among the most feminine.
fourth, they are easy to please.
fifth, they enjoy pleasing their husbands.
sixth, they have a strong moral center.
seventh, they are very strong women and possess an unusually potent desire to succeed in a capitalistic system.  the entrepreneurial spirit can be very difficult to find in a woman.
eighth, they enjoy it when a man acts like a man rather than feeling threatened or disgusted by it.
ninth, they are tough and aren't afraid to kick your ass when you need it.  helps to keep you on the right track.
tenth, they believe in having sex with their husbands as a matter of spousal duty, not as a matter of reward as if you're some puppy who didn't shit on the floor while the owners were gone.
eleventh, they are very maternal.

umm... i'm out of reasons.

i find any woman who possesses these characteristics to be far sexier than any porn star.


I just found this gem.  Exceedingly true.  I would also add some Carribean countries to the list.

Eddie Coyle

 
    I'd rather roaches and rodentia move in before a "porn star". Lowlifes of the worst sort predominate that "industry". Walk down any city street and you'll find far more appealing women than alleged stars of porn.

Quote from: Eddie Coyle on November 22, 2011, 02:45:38 PM

    I'd rather roaches and rodentia move in before a "porn star". Lowlifes of the worst sort predominate that "industry". Walk down any city street and you'll find far more appealing women than alleged stars of porn.

Dating a retarded woman is also possibly more appealing than living with a porn star.

The General

Interesting discussion.

I like your list, Michael, and I wish that it weren't considered 'old fashioned' to see things this way.  American girls are by and large spoiled and have strange feminist ideas about relationships.  Especially where I live.

My wife and I have a pretty significant age difference (15 years) and we're both pretty old fashioned and conservative in how we view the roles of men and women in a relationship.  It works.  We're very happy.  And I happen to think that she's smokin hot.

Anyway, I'd like to suggest to Caruthers, the original poster, find a Moroccan porn star.  Problem solved.

MV/Liberace!

Quote from: The General on November 22, 2011, 07:01:36 PM
I like your list, Michael, and I wish that it weren't considered 'old fashioned' to see things this way.


i think that list generally contains what any real man wants in a woman but is afraid to say because he's been feminized and neutered.  our  culture has told the american male to reject thousands of years of nature and go with a series of imposed social "norms" that conflict with everything our evolution has depended on.


oh, and here's the dirty little secret: feminized men are not as respected or reproductively desired by women.  period.  they are less likely to succeed in their relationships.  feminists would disagree with that statement, but i've noticed a nice chunk of them are 60+ years old and have NOT ONE successful relationship to show for it.  wonder why.

Harmness

Almost four years since the original post and no one's suggested cocaine?  C'mon, people!

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