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Author The General Musings of Falkie2013  (Read 3974590 times)

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Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70290 on: May 18, 2017, 01:58:51 PM »
HINT
IF HE WERE TO USE HIS TOTAL INCOME (WELFARE $$)
HE WOULD HAVE $28 DOLLARS PER DAY !
IS THAT POSSIBLE ???
ONLY $28 PER DAY NOT ONLY TO MAINTAIN THAT FAT ASS, BUT TO ADD WEIGHT ???
???????????????????????
What say you (really really really) FAT Falkie ??????

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70291 on: May 18, 2017, 02:00:54 PM »
?
How many calories in the average stray cat ?
?
(just a question)

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70292 on: May 18, 2017, 02:21:54 PM »
Cardiomyopathy victims


Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70293 on: May 18, 2017, 02:36:15 PM »
Thinking CALORIES, POUNDS OF FAT, POUNDS OF CARBOHYDRATES, POUNDS OF PROTEIN (FORGET GRAMS) JUST REQUIRED NOT ONLY TO KEEP A FAT ASSED SLUG STEADY BUT TO ADD TONAGE ?
(any dietitians / scientists out there that figure that ??)
(any cooks / economists out there that can figure COSTS involved ??)
Thank You

The two Big Guy's (George vs Jason) should slug it out making YouTube  videos about their massive weight loss from a Diet Coke/Pepsi , Butter and Bacon Diet.

Coming soon ...season 9...
EPIC BATTLE of the YOU-TUBs of BUBBLER SUPERSTARS!




Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70294 on: May 18, 2017, 03:02:24 PM »
In a case of a massively obese (Falkie qualifies) male being sedentary (Falkie qualifies) subsisting on only water, electrolytes and vitamins ....
What would the number of days be before he LOST 200 POUNDS OF FAT ?
(imagine how would you like to carry an additional 200 POUNDS around ALL THE TIME?)
come on scientists out there, figure this out
*Falkie, I dare you to do a video discussing your BMI !

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70295 on: May 18, 2017, 03:04:32 PM »
I wonder if Senda will give us a video about Roger Ailes? Since his world view comes entirely from Fox News it would be only fitting to hear one loathsome, pervy fat bastard talking about another one.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70296 on: May 18, 2017, 03:11:32 PM »
I wonder if Senda will give us a video about Roger Ailes? Since his world view comes entirely from Fox News it would be only fitting to hear one loathsome, pervy fat bastard talking about another one.

Its a good job you named Ailes, "loathsome, pervy fat bastard" good be levelled at someone else.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70297 on: May 18, 2017, 03:38:44 PM »
OMG
Chef Dmitri ?
(found on the dark, very dark, web)
Could this person be our own Falkie ?
sounds like, however NO face or (fat) body is shown

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70298 on: May 19, 2017, 12:17:38 AM »
I wonder if Senda will give us a video about Roger Ailes? Since his world view comes entirely from Fox News it would be only fitting to hear one loathsome, pervy fat bastard talking about another one.

Pffft.. take your dumb chit any opportunity you can make to spout your elitist nonsense over to the political threads ..

Please respect the purity of George's thread!

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70299 on: May 19, 2017, 06:46:24 PM »
I am WORRIED !
Did George's "severe" self inflicted leg wound (that I laughed at) turn SEPTIC and prove to be the ultimate cause of the Big Guy's demise ?
Damn, why didn't I arrange a limo ride to the E.R. when there was still time ?
(I shall never forgive myself for doubting the seriousness of that wound)
*considering...ending it all, with the Falkie "gone", is there a reason to live ?

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70300 on: May 19, 2017, 07:36:20 PM »
I am WORRIED !
Did George's "severe" self inflicted leg wound (that I laughed at) turn SEPTIC and prove to be the ultimate cause of the Big Guy's demise ?
Damn, why didn't I arrange a limo ride to the E.R. when there was still time ?
(I shall never forgive myself for doubting the seriousness of that wound)
*considering...ending it all, with the Falkie "gone", is there a reason to live ?

Nooooo!  Falkie's DEAD?  OHMYGAWD!  What will Kathy do? Thank goodness the donation link still works! Now for the casket selection, wood? metal? cardboard box? fridge shipping box would be the cheapest box?


Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70301 on: May 19, 2017, 07:46:30 PM »
Perhaps a Falkie "approved" cardboard shipping container with a Star of David ?
Would the proper thing to do be for his public to wait for a gofundme page to be started by Sweet Kathy for his embalming etc ?
*i just do not know what to do, does he need to be embalmed?

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70302 on: May 19, 2017, 08:27:33 PM »
Perhaps a Falkie "approved" cardboard shipping container with a Star of David ?
Would the proper thing to do be for his public to wait for a gofundme page to be started by Sweet Kathy for his embalming etc ?
*i just do not know what to do, does he need to be embalmed?

State of California does not allow embalming fluid for cremation candidates. Something about hazardous gases escaping. We'd have to do it on the sly, somebody would have to sneak into the mortuary, drain his bodily fluids to a very large mason jar then start embalming fluid injection using a high speed fluid pump. I'd say based on Falkie's immense physical dimensions we'd need at least 20 to 30 gallons.

Let's refer to Figure 6.1 shall we?


Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70303 on: May 19, 2017, 11:44:23 PM »
a case of duct tape, a couple of large trash bags, and a bit of rope should get the job done.




Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70304 on: May 20, 2017, 01:07:44 AM »
WORKING TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN !
A Falkie farewell, fit for "The Guy from Pittsburgh"

   
 

            Preparing a service using an oversize casket will challenge your skills and perseverance.  The problems are many and are hidden.  With some good planning and well-placed questions, you will be able to give the family a unique celebration of life with honor and dignity.

 THE BIGGER PEOPLE:

    There are three types of Funeral Directors:

1.      Those who have dealt with a large body

2.      Those who will deal with a large body

3.      Those who wish they hadn’t

     According to the Center for Disease Control:

            In 1990, ten states had a prevalence of obesity less than 10%.

            In2007, thirty states had a prevalence of obesity equal to or greater than 25%.

 Obesity: having a very high amount of body fat in relation to lean body mass (BMI) of 30 or higher.

 OK!  You know people are getting bigger, but what do you need to know?

 WHAT’S AN OVERSIZE CASKET?     

            Caskets have never been categorized according to width and depth.  Many funeral directors are familiar with the terms “one x, two x, three x,” but what does that mean?  It seems that there is no uniform definition of oversize.

            Standard caskets are between 24 and 27 inches wide at the hardware panel, and 80 to 88 inches long.  An oversize casket is anything larger than a standard casket.  Most of the major casket manufacturers carry a line of oversize caskets.

             Here are a few questions you may want to ask your distributor.

            1.  What sizes do you carry in stock and in what color?

            2.  How deep is the casket box, and how much belly clearance is there when I close the lid?

            3.  How long will it take to receive an oversize casket?

            4.  What is the maximum weight this casket is rated?

            5.  Is there a vault available?

             The best thing to do at this point is to begin a file folder of resources for oversize caskets and vaults.

THE PAIN – THE PAIN

            The easiest way to handle an obese funeral is to refer the family to your competitor, but that rarely works, especially if you picked up the body strapped to two hospital mattresses, (oh – the pain!)

 There is nothing standard about an obese body.  Everything you do from here on out will be different.

Preparation for the oversize funeral must include everything. Do not assume anything.  Here is an outline of things you will want to consider before committing to the funeral service.

 A.  Get an accurate body measurement.

            1.  Measure the shoulders, elbows, hips, length

            2.  Measure body thickness.  Try to do this on the embalming table or a flat, hard surface.

                     Do not try to do this from the hospital bed.

 B.  Moving the body.  Here, you will need to think “outside the box” (bad pun).  Here are a few             suggestions.

            1.  You may enlist the aid of the fire department.

            2.  Some funeral homes have used a small tractor with a hydraulic front end loader.

            3.  A standard engine hoist works well.

            4.  Check the load rating on your body lift.  Many are only rated at a maximum of 400 pounds.

            5.  You may need body strap extensions.  I recommend you use extra straps.

            6.  Check the load limit of the carts and embalming table.   

C. Hearse:

            1.  Check the hearse door opening.  Measure the clear area between the wheel wells.  Measure the door opening between the left side of the opening to the door latch post on the right side.  If your casket is longer than a standard, check the clear length from the front to the rear casket lock.

            2.  Here are a few suggestions for alternative vehicles:

                        a.  Dodge Villager van:  up to 40” wide

                        b.  Chevy Astro van:  up to 48” wide

                        c.  Chevy full size van:  up to 52” wide

 D.  Doorways, Hallways, and Elevators:

            1.  One of the biggest problems I hear about is doorways.  Check the width of all doors that will be used.  You may need to remove the door, or finally get around to installing those new double doors you’ve been wanting.

            2.  Check the hallway for enough room to turn the casket 90 degrees.  Remember, the casket actually becomes longer when you turn to go around a corner or through a doorway.  You may need to move that beautiful antique grandfather clock that contains the ashes of the original owner.  Just make sure you can get past all the furniture.

D.  Doorways, Hallways, and Elevators:

            3.  Service elevators were not designed for oversize caskets.  You may be able to get the casket into the elevator, but will it clear the floor opening as it descends into the abyss.  The best rule-of-thumb is to make sure the casket is not wider than the elevator floor.

 E.  Placing the body into the casket.

     Ok, I’ve made it to the prep room; I even have the casket in the room, now, how do I get this 800 pound man/woman into the casket?

            1.  Using a Standard Body Lift:

                     a.  Check the load rating of your body lift with the boom fully extended.  (You will need the extra length.)

                     b.  Wrap the hydraulic cylinder with padding to prevent scratching the front of the casket.

                             The typical body lift boom is not long enough to reach to the center of many oversize caskets.  When attempting to center the body, the hydraulic cylinder will make contact with the front side of the casket and cause damage.

                     c.  Use extra straps on your body lift if possible.  This will help prevent fluid leakage.

                             The extra straps will help distribute the weight more evenly, and is much safer.  Oversize bodies tend to be top heavy, so you may need to do a couple of trial lifts and adjust the strap placement accordingly.  This is the most dangerous part of the process, so be careful and have plenty of help.

            2.  Using a Ceiling Hoist:

                 A ceiling hoist makes this job much easier.

                     a.  Check the load rating of your body hoist.  Many of them are rated at 2000 pounds.

                     b.  Use extra straps

                     c.  Make sure the lifting cables do not make contact with the open lids.  This can be dangerous, and cause damage and injury.

            3.  Using an Engine Hoist:

                 If you do not have a ceiling hoist, I recommend renting an engine hoist.  They work great!

                 Just use it the same way you would use your standard body lift.

                     a.  Attach the body lift bar to the engine hoist.

                     b.  Use extra straps if possible.

                     c.  Make sure the base legs of the engine hoist will roll under your prep table and up to the cart or church truck without obstruction.

                     d.  Watch that the body bar does not contact with the open lids.  This can easily happen.

            4.  The Four Sheet Method:

                 When all else fails, you get as many people from the fire department as possible and lift the body with about four bed sheets.  This method will only work if you can safely remove the lids from the casket.

F.  Carts and Biers:

            1.  Most casket carts (or church trucks) are of the “accordion” type.  They have four swivel wheels, and are about 20” wide and 5 feet long.  This is fine for a standard casket, but becomes dangerous with an oversize casket greater than 40” wide.

                     a.  Place two accordion carts side-by-side with one cart ahead of the second cart by about eight inches.  The reason you offset the carts is so the swivel wheels will clear each other.

                     b.  Fasten the two carts together with duct tape or rope.  This will insure that the carts will not separate as you go through a door threshold, or over a bump when loading the casket.  It also helps reduce pucker factor, and high blood pressure.

            2.  Casket biers are designed for standard caskets.  If you have a casket greater than 36” wide, I recommend you leave the casket on the carts.  If you need to use a bier, check the load bearing capacity.  Most biers have very small wheels.  It may be difficult to roll the bier with a loaded casket.  The combination of the casket and biers will be top heavy and may become unstable.

 

PLANNING – PLANNING – PLANNING!

Oh-The Pain-The Pain!

            I was once told that solid bronze caskets made chiropractors and hernia doctors rich.  I would like to add oversize caskets to this category.  A 40” casket can accommodate a body weight between 600 and 800 pounds.  If you want to pick this casket up, you better get the high school football team.

 Planning, Planning, Planning:

            Moving the casket to the cemetery can be a bigger challenge than getting a casket.  The casket and occupant can approach 1,000 pounds.  Unless you have access to the local football team, it would be best to roll the casket on a stable pneumatic four-wheeled cart. Many local equipment rental stores have sturdy four-wheel carts that work well for this situation.  Have your pallbearers walk alongside and stabilize the casket as it is being moved.  Plan how the casket will egress through the chapel doors to the transportation vehicle.  Plan how the casket will be loaded on to the transportation.  Plan how it is to be off loaded and delivered to the gravesite.

The Cemetery:

            Do you have a headache yet?  Well hang on!  You must contact the cemetery and the burial service company as soon as possible.  They are going to need to know the vault size.  They are also going to need to check the grave plot to see if the casket and vault will fit.  It is not uncommon for the family to buy two or even three grave plots for burial.  Check to see if the gravesite is immediately off of a service road.  The equipment required at the gravesite will be much larger than normal, and may not be able to navigate to the desired family burial site under the big oak tree.  Try to get a good estimate for grave opening and closing costs.  These costs will be much higher.

OK – So We Will Cremate:

            Well – maybe.  Many cremation units cannot receive an oversize body greater than 36” wide.

Check with your service before making any commitments.  Oversize crematoriums are available in some of the larger cities.  As you might imagine, the cost does go up.

            Remember this one rule:  “If I didn’t check it, it will be a problem.”

DEALING WITH THE FAMILY:

            Ok, I have the casket, I found the vault, and I have the total cost.  So how do I tell the family the casket won’t go through the chapel doors?  How do I tell them that they need to buy two grave plots?

How do I tell them that we will need heavy equipment to set this 1,000 pound casket into the grave?

            Remember, the family does not have a clue about all the Herculean effort you have gone through to provide closure and a celebration of life.  You will be dealing with the same emotions, hurts, and frustrations of any family.  There is one big difference however.  Your family will know that their loved one was big.  They probably already understand that this is a special situation.  They will understand why you had to have the service in the high school gym.  They will understand that you will need a flat bed trailer to transport the casket.  They will understand why there is a backhoe instead of a vault truck.  What they will not understand is a surprise.  They will not understand:

                 a.  Why the casket lids will not close.

                 b.  Why the body looks stuffed.

                 c.  Why the casket will not go through the doors.

                 d.  etc.

            Walk through the entire process with the family.  Explain how you are going to handle each unique situation.  Let them know up front that the service will require special handling and creative problem solving.

            The family may become so upset that they leave to go to another funeral home. Don’t worry; they will be back. If you have done all the pre-planning; if you have ready answers to their concerns, and present them with dignity, they will think you a hero.  The main thing is not to commit to something you have not verified.

            Planning the oversize funeral will challenge your skills and perseverance.  Check everything, and assume nothing.  Remember, everything will take three to five times longer.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70305 on: May 20, 2017, 01:33:43 AM »
WORKING TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN !

It's only funny until you know a funeral director who has gone through it (well, OK... I don't think she found it funny either.)  ;)

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70306 on: May 20, 2017, 01:44:10 AM »
just a thought.
Falkie, I think, would appear more "lifelike" or "nice" for the mandatory "showing" if it were possible to incorporate his very own sofabed in his YUGE fat (morbidly obese) sized casket
Opinions ?

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70307 on: May 20, 2017, 01:55:02 AM »
Would the mortician charge a bunch extra to spray paint or scrape off and fill in with something that funky facial thing he had going on in his last video ?
Also... shave the face and chins ?
Or leave the dashing beard alone ?
Perhaps, give the corpse a haircut "ala Falkie"...like he gave himself ?
What tshirt ?
Ideas ?
Maybe his "I want to believe" poster and lighted Alien Head lamp and Snoopy Phone on display also ?

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70308 on: May 20, 2017, 08:04:14 AM »
Should Falkie be "laid out" in his red shorts ?
Shoes or NO shoes ?
as in some ancient civilizations some important men were also accompanied by many virgins (sacrificed), should a bunch of starving stray cats be rounded up (not sacrificed) and tossed in the casket before the lid is closed for the final time ?
ANY other ideas ?

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70309 on: May 20, 2017, 10:52:36 AM »
Should Falkie be "laid out" in his red shorts ?
Shoes or NO shoes ?
as in some ancient civilizations some important men were also accompanied by many virgins (sacrificed), should a bunch of starving stray cats be rounded up (not sacrificed) and tossed in the casket before the lid is closed for the final time ?
ANY other ideas ?

Ideas...I'm not giving up on George's dream of becoming a YouTube SUPERSTAR!

I understand your concern about his emenient  demise if The Very Big Guy doesn't get his ballooning weigh under control SOON! Hopefully your funeral posts will wake him up to the many problems associated with morbid obesity

Idea:

Seraphim27 could help George and Jason with a diet plan and we could all offer words of encouragement​ for their weight loss progress.

Need!!! YouTube videos from the two Super Stars of  their diet food choices and weight loss progress...

SAVE THE BIG GUYS!



Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70310 on: May 20, 2017, 11:05:08 AM »
?
How many calories in the average stray cat ?
?
(just a question)

I dunno, but cats are all dark meat.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70311 on: May 20, 2017, 11:10:13 AM »
I dunno, but cats are all dark meat.
Perhaps that video I came across on the dark web WASN'T our Falkie after all, as you mentioned cat is all "dark meat" (NOT being racist, that is just what it is) and it is my opinion that our Falkie (when alive) would NOT have consumed "dark meat" (NOT being racist, that is just what it is)

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70312 on: May 20, 2017, 11:16:38 AM »
Ideas...I'm not giving up on George's dream of becoming a YouTube SUPERSTAR!

I understand your concern about his emenient  demise if The Very Big Guy doesn't get his ballooning weigh under control SOON! Hopefully your funeral posts will wake him up to the many problems associated with morbid obesity

Idea:

Seraphim27 could help George and Jason with a diet plan and we could all offer words of encouragement​ for their weight loss progress.

Need!!! YouTube videos from the two Super Stars of  their diet food choices and weight loss progress...

SAVE THE BIG GUYS!


Already tried to help the Fat Bastard.  He ridiculed me.  Wanted me to come over to his place to train him.  to pay for the gym membership.  to buy his 'healthy food.'  And so on.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70313 on: May 20, 2017, 11:19:07 AM »
Perhaps that video I came across on the dark web WASN'T our Falkie after all, as you mentioned cat is all "dark meat" (NOT being racist, that is just what it is) and it is my opinion that our Falkie (when alive) would NOT have consumed "dark meat" (NOT being racist, that is just what it is)

Unless the Fat Bastard is in jail and is force fed the dark meat.  [Where he struggles against it, but not too much, just to keep the excitement level up].  Where he never bites but always swallows.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70314 on: May 20, 2017, 11:50:26 AM »
Unless the Fat Bastard is in jail and is force fed the dark meat.  [Where he struggles against it, but not too much, just to keep the excitement level up].  Where he never bites but always swallows.
read your post three times "before I got it",
you naughty naughty boy
*does that also encompass his numerous rectal probings by "dark meat" (NOT racist, just what he "prefers")

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70315 on: May 20, 2017, 12:02:14 PM »
Ideas...I'm not giving up on George's dream of becoming a YouTube SUPERSTAR!

I understand your concern about his emenient  demise if The Very Big Guy doesn't get his ballooning weigh under control SOON! Hopefully your funeral posts will wake him up to the many problems associated with morbid obesity

Idea:

Seraphim27 could help George and Jason with a diet plan and we could all offer words of encouragement​ for their weight loss progress.

Need!!! YouTube videos from the two Super Stars of  their diet food choices and weight loss progress...

SAVE THE BIG GUYS!

IMHO, He needs  an aid. He is avoiding inspection, because he knows they will recommend a government appointed aid to get George, and his place cleaned up and started in the right direction.

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70316 on: May 20, 2017, 12:57:31 PM »
IMHO, He needs  an aid. He is avoiding inspection, because he knows they will recommend a government appointed aid to get George, and his place cleaned up and started in the right direction.
If, just if, it just wasn't too late, perhaps Aunt Esther could have saved Falkie from himself

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70317 on: May 20, 2017, 01:19:38 PM »
Last we heard George was going to move a bed.  Sure hope he's not stuck in a box spring somewhere. 

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70318 on: May 20, 2017, 01:30:28 PM »
Just got off the phone with our local Funeral/Cremation services. They tell me they are unable to handle those who are extremely obese. 'Old Smoky', is limited in size and suggested a direct burial using a flatbed truck, portable crane and extreme strength body bag to contain body fluids that could accidentally discharge should a rip or tear occur during transport.



OH THE PAIN!

Re: The General Musings of Falkie2013 (He "didn't kill his father.")
« Reply #70319 on: May 20, 2017, 01:31:40 PM »
My best guess is that Senda has been suffocated by his own neck fat. Either that or there is a Senda connection to the Trump-Russia story and Agent K (all this time posing as his 'girlfriend') has been activated to silence him before he blabs to the press. Or that pizza delivery girl has realised her tip is not arriving and got together a gang of Mexicans to bugger him cross-eyed.