hope to see it soon.
Okay. Here it goes.....TRUE STORY.....
About 25 years ago (give or take), me and a few buddies went to the Pittsburgh Pirates game at Three Rivers Stadium. They lost, of course, but that was nothing new at the time and doesn't really matter. Anyway, we agreed that after the game we would meet at Denny's on McKnight Rd. just north of the city. Believe it or not, there was a decent amount of people at the game and I suspected getting out of the parking lot onto I-279 may be a pain in the ass. It would take a while regardless. We were drinking beer before the game and as it went on. I had to piss when I decided to leave. However I was eager to get the hell outta there and get to Denny's where I would relieve myself and then enjoy some pancakes, omelettes, and hash browns. It's true. (I always had a huge appetite...I digress.) Then, after that, go somewhere else and drink more beer. At any rate, I decide to "hold it."
Needless to say, the parking lot at the stadium is packed. It took 30-45 minutes just to get out of there. As time dragged on my bladder was in distress. I had to piss bad. Real bad. Panic was setting in. I edge the car up further, a little at a time, just waiting for an escape to the highway. All the while I'm thinking of ways to relieve myself. I can't just step out of the car and use the door to hide what I'm doing! Too many people around, and what if the cars start moving? So, I'm reaching under the seats and in the back of the car, fumbling around and thinking to myself "I gotta have an empty bottle here somewhere in all the trash." Yeah...my car was full of trash. I found a Very Fine juice bottle. It's only 10 ounces or so therefore useless. I'm thinking "Shit...what do I do?" Let's just say that I seriously considered just pissing on the floor and cleaning it up later. I couldn't bring myself to do that though.
OK...the traffic moves. I'm out of the parking lot and through the first stop light. Two more streets and I'm home free to the highway. It's going to take too long though....I have to piss!!! I grab a plastic K-Mart bag that was on the back floor. Eureka! I'm thinking that if this thing doesn't have a hole in it, it just may hold my piss. I proceed to blow the bag up and see if any air leaks out. If it doesn't then my belief was it will hold my piss. I was confident.
I'm at the final red light. By this time I'm grasping the bag around myself and pissing in it, quickly filling the bag. It holds the liquid! YES! Mission accomplished. I felt great. The plan was to chuck the bag out of the window once I hit the highway. The light turns green. I get on the I-279 exit. I can't drive too fast yet because I'm holding a bag of piss and trying to merge. I let cars pass me and then proceed to accelerate. I roll down the window with my left hand while holding the steering wheel with the bag of piss with my right hand. I get the window down. I switch the bag to my left hand. I look for other cars. There are none. Just some headlights in the distance. I prepare to drop the bag out the window.
I, however, did not consider that a flimsy K-Mart bag holding about 2 quarts of urine would not withstand the wind shear. I didn't consider that at all. As soon as I went to toss the bag it burst, and all of the piss flew back in the car, all over my arm, chest, and face. It was shocking. My most clear memory of that instance is seeing the lights of oncoming cars illuminating the drops of urine clinging to my eye lashes. I jerked the wheel erratically as it happened while looking in the rear view mirror to see if any cops were around. That's all I would need. I can handle embarrassment, but not if the police are involved.
I never made it to Denny's. I should've just pissed on the floor.