Author Topic: Azzerae's Thread  (Read 7739 times)

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Message Boards Are Full of Losers
« Reply #60 on: June 22, 2019, 10:42:54 AM »

Message Boards Are Full of Losers
« Reply #61 on: June 22, 2019, 11:25:43 AM »
We know that you are not a Marine of any kind.  Faggot.

We? You and your multiple personalities? :D

Azzerae's Thread
« Reply #62 on: June 22, 2019, 11:28:10 AM »


Little Sean's gash
« Reply #63 on: June 22, 2019, 11:47:10 AM »
Little  Seanís gay call: http://bit.do/LittleSeanDiss


Little Sean's gash
« Reply #64 on: June 22, 2019, 09:40:57 PM »
Intriguing title.  Cool tune, but I can't dance to it.

Message Boards Are Full of Losers
« Reply #65 on: June 23, 2019, 03:34:19 AM »

Isn't there enough pain and hardship in life, without dwelling on it?  In other words, isn't it more rewarding to focus on life's pleasant aspects?  I understand animals are killed for food, but staging carcasses for salacious and often sadistic prurience is desecration.

If you live long enough, you're going to see plenty of the dark side.  Your parents die.  Your siblings die.  Pretty soon, everyone you know is dead.  The route along the way can be filled with a lot of misery.  People get so old that sometimes they are blind & deaf, and they only know that a family member is near, is visiting them in the facility, by sensing the family member's style of touch or scent.  But, the patient is still capable of feeling pain, with both their hamstrings dark purple from the hip to the knee after they had to have surgery because they broke their pelvis in a fall.  Families so busy they can only visit the facility for a few minutes and they always arrive late, never realizing their beloved family member just spent 10 minutes screaming bloody murder, while being transferred from a board to a bed (Yes, actual stiff boards are used no matter how purple your hamstrings are).  That patient could someday be you.  And the bed is next to the wall the wrong way so every time your piddle pad has to be changed, the nurse has to roll you onto your worst side.  And the bitch in the bed in the shared room who merely has a decaying leg, demands all the way up the facility's chain of command, demands a new room immediately because in your first 10 minutes she determined you are a very noisy person.  When actually, you are deaf and blind due to old age, but not usually noisy at all.  When you post gratuitous gore, you mock the real gore that we all are going to see if we live long enough.

Dental pain alone in and of itself, is enough to make your dark side posts a mockery.

You know who mocks?  The Devil.  His agents say, "I mock you.  I mock you.  I mock you."  One of them came through on my Olympus one time.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #66 on: June 24, 2019, 04:15:25 AM »
Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?

I don't know how to say this, but I wrote it and I'm considering hitting delete on the entire thing.

If you are a sick monkey, then so am I. You've latched on to the rear end of this 2000s ultra-nihilism bandwagon and you will probably be well known for being the best depressed of your time. Who cares?

Nihilism doesn't work. Entropy does not exist. There is no such thing as Absolute Zero or lack of movement in a universe that is full of constantly vibrating energy and matter.

Will the medication ever work, though? I ask myself again. Will the medication ever work?

Quit worrying about Nietzsche and old grand dads called "philosophy" and develop your own ideas. Mainly, quit writing down this sappy bullshit and pandering to a bunch of unintelligent, heroin-worshipping, nipple-piercing, bourgeois, anti-cultural, selfish little pricks who think everything in the world is virtual reality because they only see it on the Discovery Channel. The Xennials were wrongo, buddy. They wouldn't know real trauma and heartache from a menstrual cramp.

I think the medication just worked ... No wait, that was something else.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you KNOW anything. You don't. Your whole world - and philosophical viewpoint - is not only anthropocentric but Americanocentric as well. You're a product of western culture and values. You speak for only a small minority of persons (if not, only yourself).

Will the medication ever work? I ask myself yet again. Will the medication ever work?

Take a vacation, see how the rest of the world lives, study its ways, and not just books and websites. And for godsakes, call your psychologist! Keep taking the happy pills if you need to. You're caught in some twisted hell of your own devising.

Your work is outstanding, but your diatribes stab me in the brain and heart and make me feel like you're trying to kill me, body and soul. And what the hell did I ever do to you??? I'm in the same boat you are! Adios.

P.S. For the Antichrist, you're pretty funny.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #67 on: June 24, 2019, 04:18:03 AM »
Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?

30 mg of CBD per day has never steered me wrong. Hey, what do I know? Maybe you would be well served by some Rockefeller dope. Good luckBON CHANCE!

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #68 on: June 24, 2019, 04:20:13 AM »

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #69 on: June 24, 2019, 04:21:27 AM »
Godspeed!

I prefer USP formulations, but you know, whatever works. Hey, btw... who killed Dr. King?

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #70 on: June 24, 2019, 04:22:50 AM »
call your psychologist!

Be sure you let her know that your friend thinks she's a fucking ignorant cunt. Thanks in advance.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #71 on: June 24, 2019, 04:22:53 AM »
Who killed Dr. King?

I need to read up on that, before I can comment.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #72 on: June 24, 2019, 04:23:31 AM »
Be sure you let her know that your friend thinks she's a fucking ignorant cunt. Thanks in advance.

LMFAO

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #73 on: June 24, 2019, 04:25:06 AM »
I need to read up on that

Nigger it has been like fifty years. What are you waiting for--Christmas?

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #74 on: June 24, 2019, 04:31:13 AM »
Entropy does not exist.

You'll never get a jury to believe it.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #75 on: June 24, 2019, 07:21:39 AM »
I don't know how to say this, but I wrote it and I'm considering hitting delete on the entire thing.
Is there a needier twat on these boards than you are?

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #76 on: June 24, 2019, 10:36:45 AM »
Is there a needier twat on these boards than you are?
Of course, its name is MD.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #77 on: June 24, 2019, 11:57:20 PM »
Of course, its name is MD.
Don't forget me!

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #78 on: June 25, 2019, 01:53:35 AM »
Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?
You provoke others to anger so you can get angry because you need to get angry because depression is anger turned inward.  And, no one wants anger turned inward because that might lead to cancer.  So go ahead, take your anger out on me, metaphorically punch me, Azzy  :)!  It'll make you feel better.  Maybe in your tizzy of anger, when your heart is pumping, maybe your cells will remind you of a glimpse of the original situation in which you needed to get angry, but were too pre-verbal, too young, too shy, too inhibited, too vulnerable, in no position to stand up for yourself.  I've been there.  I took abuse, too.  I didn't stand up for myself either.  The abuser had something I wanted, more than my self-respect, so I didn't rat him out, have a melt-down or scream bloody murder. because there was something I wanted more than I wanted my self-respect.  I was just a child.  A child is no match for an adult abuser. 

When memories like this surfaces, it starts a long-term grieving process.  There are like five stages of grief.  Acceptance, self-forgiveness, is the end stage.


I don't know how to say this, but I wrote it and I'm considering hitting delete on the entire thing.

If you are a sick monkey, then so am I. You've latched on to the rear end of this 2000s ultra-nihilism bandwagon and you will probably be well known for being the best depressed of your time. Who cares?
I don't know what 2000s ultra-nihilism is.  I don't think of myself in disparaging terms.  What I am has no bearing on how you are.  You are responsible for yourself.  As for being considered depressed, how important is it, what others think of me?  Are they people whose opinions I respect?  Or, not?  You (I) can't please everyone because people have different tastes, so by definition, if you please one, it will displease another.  That's why I try to hang with people who have similar values.  Like respect, honesty within reason, responsibility, etc...

Nihilism doesn't work. Entropy does not exist. There is no such thing as Absolute Zero or lack of movement in a universe that is full of constantly vibrating energy and matter.

Will the medication ever work, though? I ask myself again. Will the medication ever work?

Quit worrying about Nietzsche and old grand dads called "philosophy" and develop your own ideas. Mainly, quit writing down this sappy bullshit and pandering to a bunch of unintelligent, heroin-worshipping, nipple-piercing, bourgeois, anti-cultural, selfish little pricks who think everything in the world is virtual reality because they only see it on the Discovery Channel. The Xennials were wrongo, buddy. They wouldn't know real trauma and heartache from a menstrual cramp.
Okay well, I can tell you've never had cramps. 

Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides.

Pandering includes pleasing.  So, I'm not sure pandering is the right word here.  Some of your writing is negatively provocative, not pleasingly pandering.

Remember, everyone, everyone alive is going to know trauma and heartache at some point.  Everyone's loved ones suffer and die.  Everyone themselves declines, suffers and dies.  Sure, there are pain killers and some die in their sleep.  But, you don't think the death moments wake them up?  Uh, probably some of the time!  But, many, many Xennials will definitely have deformities, childhood diseases, accidents, injuries, be subject to abuse, dental pain, physical pain, broken relationships, foster homes, divorce, adultery, tax problems, dirty diapers, miscarriages, birthing deformed/diseased babies, addiction, sick parents, failed classes, job losses, get fired at some point, broken cars, bad investments, debt, pets that get sick and die, repair problems in the home, aging parents, cancer, parents who become home-bound, parents with dirty diapers needing changed, parents who require 24-hour care, parents who suffer and die, offspring that unexpectedly die young, and so on.  Some get hit with legal bills they can never pay.  Almost all deal with large medical bills at some point.  And that's just a list of things mainstream people experience.  So, it just gets worse after that, with some people facing even worse things like homelessness, paralysis, deafness, blindness, suicide, etc...

To me, you might be in the very category that you detest.  After all, what trauma are you talking about?  Your situation is not unique.  The NAMI forum alone shows that many suffer.  Have you not given any thought to others who suffer?   Black men spend 30 years in prison for crimes they did not commit.  Anne Frank lived like a rat, and still was murdered just for being of a certain race.  And the same thing happened to all the others like her, and their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and children.  Japanese fathers in the U.S. were removed from their homes to live in confinement for years, and their families were removed too.  Therefore, one knows they lost their jobs, homes, their sentimental items, photos, savings.  The victims of the Tuskeegee Syphilllus study were covertly injected with a fatal disease, and it gave them paralysis, blindness and brain damage.  The disease transferred to their spouses.  It can infect even the mouth.  The Earth is chock full of human rights violations.  Are your human rights being violated?


I think the medication just worked ... No wait, that was something else.
Documenting and reviewing documentation can bring clarity for future application.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you KNOW anything. You don't. Your whole world - and philosophical viewpoint - is not only anthropocentric but Americanocentric as well. You're a product of western culture and values. You speak for only a small minority of persons (if not, only yourself).
Nonsense.

Will the medication ever work? I ask myself yet again. Will the medication ever work?

Take a vacation, see how the rest of the world lives, study its ways, and not just books and websites. And for godsakes, call your psychologist! Keep taking the happy pills if you need to. You're caught in some twisted hell of your own devising.
How about relating, allowing emotional intimacy into every day relationships?

Your work is outstanding, but your diatribes stab me in the brain and heart and make me feel like you're trying to kill me, body and soul. And what the hell did I ever do to you??? I'm in the same boat you are! Adios.
This isn't the time for flattering me.  If a kind word is like a stab for you, a lot of people would just tell you to sit in your sh*t, then.  But that's not helpful.  What the Hell did you ever do to me?  I've TOLD you!  Your negativity triggers fear, trauma and angst.  I told you life has enough of that without you dumping more on others!  I have assisted 7 pets through their long lifespans, though accidents, illnesses and death.  One had a difficult, expensive serious disease for 7 years.  There is often a lot of trauma at the end.  The end can come from being attacked by other animals, being in an accident, liver tumors that make the body practically explode, or other traumatic things.  Not every death is predictable and "solved" with euthanasia.  When you show images of gore, you remind me of the suffering I've seen.  I've been a plaintiff 13 times, Azzy.  It was due to suffering or injustice, it was expensive and time consuming, and I did not always win each case.  But, there has been enough negativity!  I've been through 13 floods, including 2 FEMA ones.  Had to rescue many pets, and saw my place full of water.  A cat I  knew died very traumatically in one.  I saw my dad die.  The man who grew up so poor he had to eat sugar sandwiches.  There was trauma which involved me in the way a relative died young.  And my childhood was filled with trauma, including injuries and diseases which were serious and went undiagnosed for 30 years.  And, old age is right around the corner and working in healthcare I  know exactly what that means.  So, I just don't need your contrived reminders of negativity.  Of course, I reduced suffering as much as possible.  I don't know what kind of vacuum you live in.  Have you not seen enough suffering, to give it a rest?  No sick babies you had to nurse?  No infirm parents you had to feed?  Anything requiring any compassion and sacrifice?  As my dad would have said, maybe you could just be glad you were not born totally disabled.

P.S. For the Antichrist, you're pretty funny.
I am not the Antichrist.  Why don't you get into behavior modification therapy, and see how your relationships after you drop the dysfunctional behavior?
Feelings, your feelings, are really important.  Anger is designed to propel us to fix situations.  Anxiety is designed to propel us to re-gain control over situations.  Depression is anger turned inward.  I'd say use your feelings, read up on that and stop letting them control your behavior.  Your identity is much wider than your feelings.  You are your actions and your decisions.  You are 100% more your actions than your feelings.  Your feelings are just tools to get you to orient yourself in situations.

Emotional intimacy, trust, relating... they aren't taught in school.  My family didn't teach them.  Alcoholism only made it worse.  Trust equals communication heard and respected.  I found help with:  Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA, ACOA), cognitive behavioral counseling, and sobriety (the brain can take several years to heal).  Dan Allender wrote The Wounded Heart which also has a workbook.  His work really helped me a lot.

I don't know much about what Kundalini is.  But, you have a lot of angst and that relates to Kundalini crises, whatever those are.  You'd have to Google it because I don't quite understand it, but maybe you can find something there.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #79 on: June 25, 2019, 04:37:55 AM »
You provoke others to anger so you can get angry because you need to get angry because depression is anger turned inward.  And, no one wants anger turned inward because that might lead to cancer.  So go ahead, take your anger out on me, metaphorically punch me, Azzy! It'll make you feel better.  Maybe in your tizzy of anger, when your heart is pumping, maybe your cells will remind you of a glimpse of the original situation in which you needed to get angry, but were too pre-verbal, too young, too shy, too inhibited, too vulnerable, in no position to stand up for yourself.  I've been there.  I took abuse, too.  I didn't stand up for myself either.  The abuser had something I wanted, more than my self-respect, so I didn't rat him out, have a melt-down or scream bloody murder. because there was something I wanted more than I wanted my self-respect.  I was just a child.  A child is no match for an adult abuser. 

When memories like this surfaces, it starts a long-term grieving process.  There are like five stages of grief.  Acceptance, self-forgiveness, is the end stage.

I don't walk around with the intention of harming anyone intentionally, least of all you. In fact, you're one of the few I value, hold dear and respect, due to the kindness you carry in your heart, and share with others. My art is indeed violent, but punching you - even metaphorically so - is totally out of the question. I don't even consider it as an option. It makes my heart hurt, even thinking about that, quite frankly. I don't consider you a phony, and I understand why you get upset over certain things (to the small degree that I can). But I can tell you've been sincere most, if not, all the times I recall us connecting.

I'm still being abused, daily. As I consider life a task too great to bear, what with the pestilence of human contact. Bukowski poignantly expresses what I am trying to, better than I ever could articulate, in his piece 'Splashing':

what
comes out
of their mouths
are the stalest
concepts, the most,
warped beliefs,
they are the repository
of all the obvious
stupidities
they have
stuffed
themselves
with
and it hurts me
to
look at them
to
listen to them,
I want to
run and hide
I want to
escape their engulfing
nullity
 
there is no
horror movie
worse,
no murder
as
unsolved
 
but
the world
goes on
and
they
go on
 
dumbly
slamming
my guts to
pieces.


Nothing suffocates me more than the passing of everyday human events. And I've tried my utmost best to keep my faculties in tact for the longest time, and prolong the pain of being alive. Shuffling off the mortal coil, as it were, would be a pleasure. But it is a forbidden act. If one is to read all the scriptures in history, one would be well aware of the shame it brings to the soul. And like a twisted fate akin to Snakes and Ladders, one is sent to the beginning, to do it all again.

There is no cure for this agony. None (as far as I can tell, anyway).

I don't know what 2000s ultra-nihilism is.  I don't think of myself in disparaging terms.  What I am has no bearing on how you are.  You are responsible for yourself.  As for being considered depressed, how important is it, what others think of me?

No, its not as important as one would think. But perceptions of the Other do, to an extend dictate how we react - like it or not. We are a reactionary species. Its a mere fact. All the therapy in the world, will it take this away?

To be a clean slate, neutral, emotionless as a psychiatrist, each and every bodily gesture studied, till no one could detect the meaning of ones words of actions. I've been let down, and paid for it dearly: arms and legs.

So consider this: to be physically handicapped may in fact be an easier burden, or cross to carry, because only THEN people believe you. Its like people want you to be a leper, see you falling apart before their eyes, and still then they won't lend an iota of sympathy.

I empathize with the parents. I do, I do. Believe it or not, I do.

Are they people whose opinions I respect?  Or, not?  You (I) can't please everyone because people have different tastes, so by definition, if you please one, it will displease another.  That's why I try to hang with people who have similar values.  Like respect, honesty within reason, responsibility, etc...

Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides.

I'd like to identify myself as a person of all those moral compasses, but what good is it if I don't live up to the ideals I lay out in front of me? Answer me that, and you may be a rich woman in an instant, if you can communicate it efficiently to others. And yes, rich in earthly wealth i.e. MONEY. The thing we all need, the thing that has become a life force, of the "greatest" country on earth. America? Boy has it fallen, from grace.

I hear the whispers. They treat me as if I'm no psychotic bitch out here, but then when I flip out they can't take it. I hear them loud and clear. The drill in to my brain as I look into a mirror I can't escape.

"I HATE YOU!"

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE", they say.

It hurts. But yes, no one cares. Take the meds. They will knock you out. No one said how this would be. No one understands.

Pandering includes pleasing.  So, I'm not sure pandering is the right word here.  Some of your writing is negatively provocative, not pleasingly pandering.

This, Sixteen, is the very thing that has made me sicker. I cannot stomach the flimsy mechanisms being employed, and have a clear view right through them, like Piglet peeking through Eeyore's makeshift "house". And its sadder than that, Sixteen. I believed I couldn't take it anymore for a while there, but I know I'm stronger, now on the other side.

I value and respect your ideas. I wish you'd accept this. But I understand you won't because of the abuse you've suffered. We are in the same boat in some respects. So the best we can do is sail forward as the brave pilgrim's did.

Remember, everyone, everyone alive is going to know trauma and heartache at some point.  Everyone's loved ones suffer and die.  Everyone themselves declines, suffers and dies.  Sure, there are pain killers and some die in their sleep.  But, you don't think the death moments wake them up?  Uh, probably some of the time!  But, many, many Xennials will definitely have deformities, childhood diseases, accidents, injuries, be subject to abuse, dental pain, physical pain, broken relationships, foster homes, divorce, adultery, tax problems, dirty diapers, miscarriages, birthing deformed/diseased babies, addiction, sick parents, failed classes, job losses, get fired at some point, broken cars, bad investments, debt, pets that get sick and die, repair problems in the home, aging parents, cancer, parents who become home-bound, parents with dirty diapers needing changed, parents who require 24-hour care, parents who suffer and die, offspring that unexpectedly die young, and so on.  Some get hit with legal bills they can never pay.  Almost all deal with large medical bills at some point.  And that's just a list of things mainstream people experience.  So, it just gets worse after that, with some people facing even worse things like homelessness, paralysis, deafness, blindness, suicide, etc...

To me, you might be in the very category that you detest.  After all, what trauma are you talking about?

You truly don't want to know.

Your situation is not unique.  The NAMI forum alone shows that many suffer.  Have you not given any thought to others who suffer?   Black men spend 30 years in prison for crimes they did not commit.  Anne Frank lived like a rat, and still was murdered just for being of a certain race.  And the same thing happened to all the others like her, and their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and children.  Japanese fathers in the U.S. were removed from their homes to live in confinement for years, and their families were removed too.  Therefore, one knows they lost their jobs, homes, their sentimental items, photos, savings.  The victims of the Tuskeegee Syphilllus study were covertly injected with a fatal disease, and it gave them paralysis, blindness and brain damage.  The disease transferred to their spouses.  It can infect even the mouth.  The Earth is chock full of human rights violations.  Are your human rights being violated?

They have been. But no, they're not being violated right this minute.

Documenting and reviewing documentation can bring clarity for future application.

I agree. I've found this helps, by keeping a log book. Do you do so, or have you before?

How about relating, allowing emotional intimacy into every day relationships?

I want to, but have felt incapable, or self-sabotaged.

This isn't the time for flattering me.

With all due respect, I think you misunderstood my original post (below):

"Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?

I don't know how to say this, but I wrote it and I'm considering hitting delete on the entire thing.

If you are a sick monkey, then so am I. You've latched on to the rear end of this 2000s ultra-nihilism bandwagon and you will probably be well known for being the best depressed of your time. Who cares?

Nihilism doesn't work. Entropy does not exist. There is no such thing as Absolute Zero or lack of movement in a universe that is full of constantly vibrating energy and matter.

Will the medication ever work, though? I ask myself again. Will the medication ever work?

Quit worrying about Nietzsche and old grand dads called "philosophy" and develop your own ideas. Mainly, quit writing down this sappy bullshit and pandering to a bunch of unintelligent, heroin-worshipping, nipple-piercing, bourgeois, anti-cultural, selfish little pricks who think everything in the world is virtual reality because they only see it on the Discovery Channel. The Xennials were wrongo, buddy. They wouldn't know real trauma and heartache from a menstrual cramp.

I think the medication just worked ... No wait, that was something else.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you KNOW anything. You don't. Your whole world - and philosophical viewpoint - is not only anthropocentric but Americanocentric as well. You're a product of western culture and values. You speak for only a small minority of persons (if not, only yourself).

Will the medication ever work? I ask myself yet again. Will the medication ever work?

Take a vacation, see how the rest of the world lives, study its ways, and not just books and websites. And for godsakes, call your psychologist! Keep taking the happy pills if you need to. You're caught in some twisted hell of your own devising.

Your work is outstanding, but your diatribes stab me in the brain and heart and make me feel like you're trying to kill me, body and soul. And what the hell did I ever do to you??? I'm in the same boat you are! Adios.

P.S. For the Antichrist, you're pretty funny."


This was meant as a 'Letter to AZZERAE, From AZZERAE', a what I conceived of as self-analysis, and pathway to healing. Self-therapy. I thought I'd publish it here, on the odd chance it was engaged with by someone with the intellectual capacity to appreciate it for more than a mere cry for help, or emo rambling from a Goth girl. Read as: no I don't cut myself, but I've known some who are dear to me, that have self-harmed. I don't understand it, but that's another story.

Not once was I addressing you. I have been utilizing this thread by and large to escape the dreck I don't enjoy in other places, and am delighted you're the one to have responded to such a thing. Because quite honestly, you're possibly the only person who "gets it", or wants to, anyway. And you've helped.

If a kind word is like a stab for you, a lot of people would just tell you to sit in your sh*t, then.  But that's not helpful.  What the Hell did you ever do to me?  I've TOLD you!  Your negativity triggers fear, trauma and angst.

I apologize, but at this point that term is hollow. So let's start afresh, and you have my word I will consider your sensitivities in my posts. I'm conscientious, believe it or not. And again, not out to hurt ... no, not ANYONE. AT ALL!

I told you life has enough of that without you dumping more on others!  I have assisted 7 pets through their long lifespans, though accidents, illnesses and death.  One had a difficult, expensive serious disease for 7 years.  There is often a lot of trauma at the end.  The end can come from being attacked by other animals, being in an accident, liver tumors that make the body practically explode, or other traumatic things.  Not every death is predictable and "solved" with euthanasia.  When you show images of gore, you remind me of the suffering I've seen.  I've been a plaintiff 13 times, Azzy.  It was due to suffering or injustice, it was expensive and time consuming, and I did not always win each case.  But, there has been enough negativity!  I've been through 13 floods, including 2 FEMA ones.  Had to rescue many pets, and saw my place full of water.  A cat I  knew died very traumatically in one.  I saw my dad die.  The man who grew up so poor he had to eat sugar sandwiches.  There was trauma which involved me in the way a relative died young.  And my childhood was filled with trauma, including injuries and diseases which were serious and went undiagnosed for 30 years.  And, old age is right around the corner and working in healthcare I  know exactly what that means.  So, I just don't need your contrived reminders of negativity.  Of course, I reduced suffering as much as possible.  I don't know what kind of vacuum you live in.  Have you not seen enough suffering, to give it a rest?  No sick babies you had to nurse?  No infirm parents you had to feed?  Anything requiring any compassion and sacrifice?  As my dad would have said, maybe you could just be glad you were not born totally disabled.

I admire your charitable ways. Yes, as you know, I've cared for an ageing family member, and it took its toll. That's when the voices in my head were at their worst. The ones that told me I'm going to die, and they hated me. My self esteem is so low, I can't accept a man who loves me. And they all fall for me, but I never believe it.

I am not the Antichrist.  Why don't you get into behavior modification therapy, and see how your relationships after you drop the dysfunctional behavior?

Sixteeeeeen, I never called YOU the Antichrist. I was referring to me. Please read up at my prior posts for clarification ... I was talking about myself in the third person. Seeing as though I suffer symptoms of schizophrenia, I try have a sense of humour about it. Sometimes my ways of dealing with that are not always easy to handle. But I don't go around with the purpose to inflict pain at every turn, on every person. Gentle and naive to a fault is a more accurate description. So there you have it.

Oh, and by the way, my current insurance only covers medication, not cognitive behavioural therapy. So I'm trying to save up for an appointment with the psychologist.

Feelings, your feelings, are really important.  Anger is designed to propel us to fix situations.  Anxiety is designed to propel us to re-gain control over situations.  Depression is anger turned inward.  I'd say use your feelings, read up on that and stop letting them control your behavior.  Your identity is much wider than your feelings.  You are your actions and your decisions.  You are 100% more your actions than your feelings.  Your feelings are just tools to get you to orient yourself in situations.

Emotional intimacy, trust, relating... they aren't taught in school.  My family didn't teach them.  Alcoholism only made it worse.  Trust equals communication heard and respected.  I found help with:  Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA, ACOA), cognitive behavioral counseling, and sobriety (the brain can take several years to heal).  Dan Allender wrote The Wounded Heart which also has a workbook.  His work really helped me a lot.

I don't know much about what Kundalini is.  But, you have a lot of angst and that relates to Kundalini crises, whatever those are.  You'd have to Google it because I don't quite understand it, but maybe you can find something there.

Thank you, I'll try remember my feelings are valid. When my moods are uncontrollable, even with high doses of anti-psychotics, you tell me if I have a treatment-resistant condition?

Thanks for your time, patience and encouragement, despite my many failings.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #80 on: June 25, 2019, 07:03:25 AM »
The exitainment has begun.

Let the panic attacks and nervous breakdance sink their comforting cancer into the sweaty palms of our hands like well prescribed press-on nails. Our stigmata will stagnate and we will shake, shake hands like little boys - if boys were just like puppies - spreading our ring worms.

ATTENTION MY CRIPPLING ORCHESTRA!

I am your Cracked Atom!!! ... Drum roll please ... At least our death wishes will come true. We don't even need to blow out the candles. I hear that thunder, I hear it too. it's all my goddamn Frankensteins coming back for some sick closure.

Be attentive, the world can't be an opera when it needs an operation. The second coming of Christ will require more than softcore porn, mini-bar gin and Viagra. Don't ever answer the door, and remember that most authorities believe that the side effects of this breeding ground of talentless chaos will not leave any permanent damage.

We are the "good monsters" that are only chipped away by the banality of "enter"tainment, and our black encrusted beehives harden into hideous-honey-diamonds, too personal and nervous for idiots to hold or cherish. only our love is uncanny and only you can feel that all of our art is muscle. Your beauty will be edible or it will not be beauty at all - no salvation and no forgiveness.

We are the ones with the bloody knuckles.

It has taken eons, boys and girls, to climb this ugly hill and these are the Writings of Golgotha. We have put together the best of what we have made and this is only a reminder that you can cut off the head but it only grows back harder.

With a bandage on the hand, still, there is no sign of the stigmata ceasing.

A773RA35

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #81 on: June 25, 2019, 11:11:58 PM »
The exitainment has begun.

Let the panic attacks and nervous breakdance sink their comforting cancer into the sweaty palms of our hands like well prescribed press-on nails. Our stigmata will stagnate and we will shake, shake hands like little boys - if boys were just like puppies - spreading our ring worms.

ATTENTION MY CRIPPLING ORCHESTRA!

I am your Cracked Atom!!! ... Drum roll please ... At least our death wishes will come true. We don't even need to blow out the candles. I hear that thunder, I hear it too. it's all my goddamn Frankensteins coming back for some sick closure.

Be attentive, the world can't be an opera when it needs an operation. The second coming of Christ will require more than softcore porn, mini-bar gin and Viagra. Don't ever answer the door, and remember that most authorities believe that the side effects of this breeding ground of talentless chaos will not leave any permanent damage.

We are the "good monsters" that are only chipped away by the banality of "enter"tainment, and our black encrusted beehives harden into hideous-honey-diamonds, too personal and nervous for idiots to hold or cherish. only our love is uncanny and only you can feel that all of our art is muscle. Your beauty will be edible or it will not be beauty at all - no salvation and no forgiveness.

We are the ones with the bloody knuckles.

It has taken eons, boys and girls, to climb this ugly hill and these are the Writings of Golgotha. We have put together the best of what we have made and this is only a reminder that you can cut off the head but it only grows back harder.

With a bandage on the hand, still, there is no sign of the stigmata ceasing.

A773RA35
How are you doing now?

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #82 on: June 26, 2019, 12:59:22 AM »
Quote from: AZZERAE link=topic=12620.msg1336185#msg1336185 date=156...

Be attentive, the world can't be an opera when it needs an operation. The second coming of Christ will require more than softcore porn, mini-bar gin and Viagra. Don't ever answer the door, and remember that most authorities believe that the side effects of this breeding ground of talentless chaos will not leave any permanent damage.
...
When Jesus returns, why would you say the need for vice will increase?

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #83 on: June 26, 2019, 01:49:30 AM »
I don't walk around with the intention of harming anyone intentionally, least of all you. In fact, you're one of the few I value, hold dear and respect, due to the kindness you carry in your heart, and share with others. My art is indeed violent, but punching you - even metaphorically so - is totally out of the question. I don't even consider it as an option. It makes my heart hurt, even thinking about that, quite frankly. I don't consider you a phony, and I understand why you get upset over certain things (to the small degree that I can). But I can tell you've been sincere most, if not, all the times I recall us connecting.
-So you changed your mind about me having been phony.

I'm still being abused, daily. As I consider life a task too great to bear, what with the pestilence of human contact. Bukowski poignantly expresses what I am trying to, better than I ever could articulate, in his piece 'Splashing':

what
comes out
of their mouths
are the stalest
concepts, the most,
warped beliefs,
they are the repository
of all the obvious
stupidities
they have
stuffed
themselves
with
and it hurts me
to
look at them
to
listen to them,
I want to
run and hide
I want to
escape their engulfing
nullity
 
there is no
horror movie
worse,
no murder
as
unsolved
 
but
the world
goes on
and
they
go on
 
dumbly
slamming
my guts to
pieces.


Nothing suffocates me more than the passing of everyday human events.
-Someday we'll all be like my client, just glad when a stool passes!

And I've tried my utmost best to keep my faculties in tact for the longest time, and prolong the pain of being alive. Shuffling off the mortal coil, as it were, would be a pleasure. But it is a forbidden act. If one is to read all the scriptures in history, one would be well aware of the shame it brings to the soul. And like a twisted fate akin to Snakes and Ladders, one is sent to the beginning, to do it all again.

There is no cure for this agony. None (as far as I can tell, anyway).
-There is.  Positive affirmations, 30 times at a time, 3 times a day.

No, its not as important as one would think. But perceptions of the Other do, to an extend dictate how we react - like it or not. We are a reactionary species. Its a mere fact. All the therapy in the world, will it take this away?

To be a clean slate, neutral, emotionless as a psychiatrist, each and every bodily gesture studied, till no one could detect the meaning of ones words of actions. I've been let down, and paid for it dearly: arms and legs.

So consider this: to be physically handicapped may in fact be an easier burden, or cross to carry, because only THEN people believe you. Its like people want you to be a leper, see you falling apart before their eyes, and still then they won't lend an iota of sympathy.
-I understand that.

I empathize with the parents. I do, I do. Believe it or not, I do.

I'd like to identify myself as a person of all those moral compasses, but what good is it if I don't live up to the ideals I lay out in front of me? Answer me that, and you may be a rich woman in an instant, if you can communicate it efficiently to others. And yes, rich in earthly wealth i.e. MONEY. The thing we all need, the thing that has become a life force, of the "greatest" country on earth. America? Boy has it fallen, from grace.
-If you don't live up to the ideals you lay out in front of me, your actions are good because they are still better than nothing.  Maybe your ideals were too high.  Maybe you lacked resources or health.

I hear the whispers. They treat me as if I'm no psychotic bitch out here, but then when I flip out they can't take it. I hear them loud and clear. The drill in to my brain as I look into a mirror I can't escape.

"I HATE YOU!"

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE", they say.

It hurts. But yes, no one cares. Take the meds. They will knock you out. No one said how this would be. No one understands.
-How can you be hurt by entities who aren't even respectable?  If a jerk said those things to me, I'd just let is slide off.  What do I care what a creep thinks of me?  When they say you're going to die, laugh it off - because all die (outside miracles).  I would not want to be loved by the types of entities you describe.  I wouldn't want to associate with them.  They deserve indifference.  Indifference is more powerful that hate.

This, Sixteen, is the very thing that has made me sicker. I cannot stomach the flimsy mechanisms being employed, and have a clear view right through them, like Piglet peeking through Eeyore's makeshift "house". And its sadder than that, Sixteen. I believed I couldn't take it anymore for a while there, but I know I'm stronger, now on the other side.
-Well, it sounds like you suffer a lot.  Have you considered abstaining from alcohol and of course any other mind-altering substances?

I value and respect your ideas. I wish you'd accept this.
-I understand you value my ideas.  Life is too short to be always talking about it.  I want to LIVE live, not just talk about it.  But, there is one of my ideas you have not respected, and that is to treat the board civilly, with less gratuitous disturbing angst or gore in posts.

But I understand you won't because of the abuse you've suffered.
-The abuse I've suffered has been assimilated through years of self-help and sobriety.  I did the work.  I grieved the grief, to the extent of realizing the best option is to be resilient and move on.  I don't like words/feelings being "put in my mouth", which is what you're doing.


We are in the same boat in some respects. So the best we can do is sail forward as the brave pilgrim's did.
-No.  The best we can do is recover from our demons.

You truly don't want to know.
-You are wrong.  I can take it, if it's honest and true.  I'm not weak.  I just don't like gratuitous angst/gore.

They have been. But no, they're not being violated right this minute.
-Sorry to hear that.

I agree. I've found this helps, by keeping a log book. Do you do so, or have you before?
-Yes.  In my case, it turns out calendars were the best way to log.  There was one year when I had about 12 calendars, one for each medical condition.  That was the year I sorted out a lot of food allergies.  Right now, I use 6 calendars to document household fights, household chores, household patterns like trash day, housemate's activities, my daily activities, and my appointments/shifts.  By keeping each topic of documentation on a separate calendar, going back to read over each issue is much easier.  Also, whenever I see anything questionable, I write down the date, time, location, what happened, and a description of any people/vehicles. 
Objective information (if its presented honestly) is way more reliable than subjective perception, which is sullied by personal bias.


I want to, but have felt incapable, or self-sabotaged.
-Well, maybe calendars will help you.  If the topic is simple, a monthly glance calendar is great.  But, if more writing is needed, then I use a weekly glance calendar.  Whatever calendar you use, if you run out of room on one day, just draw an arrow to a day when nothing occurred and write "cont'd from 06/25" or whatever.  Or an asterisk, but be sure to put a date by all the asterisks.  For you, documentation might be more difficult because I'm not sure what you're battling.  When things are overwhelming, it's hard to know where to start.  Sometimes you just have to make a plan, go with it, and then tweak it as needed once some sense starts to show.  If you use calendars, but a lot more than you think you'll need, because after March they are hard to get, even online.  You can print them from the web, but it's a real half-measure.  I keep white out or white out tape, and lots of pens.  Obviously brevity is important, but until you know your jargon, better too many words than too little, for clarity.  I no longer use abbreviations, but if I did, I'd make sure to write the key on the front page.  For documenting on the fly, pocket flip spiral notebooks are great.  Later, you can tear the pages out and file them in a card box, even taping a page to a card for stiffness if you want.  Just remember, any notes you leave in plain view are (at least in the U.S.) fair game if some authority figure ever insists you need to go to a psych ward.  So, it's prudent to put your notes into a bag, briefcase, drawer or zip folder.  Because authority figures are not allow to snoop through those without a search warrant.  But if you have "psycho" notes all over, they could use it to call you crazy.  We all should document our achievements, too, because good memories are uplifting.  Scan and upload diplomas, commendations, thank you notes from volunteer work, whatever.

With all due respect, I think you misunderstood my original post (below):

"Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?

I don't know how to say this, but I wrote it and I'm considering hitting delete on the entire thing.

If you are a sick monkey, then so am I. You've latched on to the rear end of this 2000s ultra-nihilism bandwagon and you will probably be well known for being the best depressed of your time. Who cares?

Nihilism doesn't work. Entropy does not exist. There is no such thing as Absolute Zero or lack of movement in a universe that is full of constantly vibrating energy and matter.

Will the medication ever work, though? I ask myself again. Will the medication ever work?

Quit worrying about Nietzsche and old grand dads called "philosophy" and develop your own ideas. Mainly, quit writing down this sappy bullshit and pandering to a bunch of unintelligent, heroin-worshipping, nipple-piercing, bourgeois, anti-cultural, selfish little pricks who think everything in the world is virtual reality because they only see it on the Discovery Channel. The Xennials were wrongo, buddy. They wouldn't know real trauma and heartache from a menstrual cramp.

I think the medication just worked ... No wait, that was something else.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you KNOW anything. You don't. Your whole world - and philosophical viewpoint - is not only anthropocentric but Americanocentric as well. You're a product of western culture and values. You speak for only a small minority of persons (if not, only yourself).

Will the medication ever work? I ask myself yet again. Will the medication ever work?

Take a vacation, see how the rest of the world lives, study its ways, and not just books and websites. And for godsakes, call your psychologist! Keep taking the happy pills if you need to. You're caught in some twisted hell of your own devising.

Your work is outstanding, but your diatribes stab me in the brain and heart and make me feel like you're trying to kill me, body and soul. And what the hell did I ever do to you??? I'm in the same boat you are! Adios.

P.S. For the Antichrist, you're pretty funny."


This was meant as a 'Letter to AZZERAE, From AZZERAE', a what I conceived of as self-analysis, and pathway to healing. Self-therapy. I thought I'd publish it here, on the odd chance it was engaged with by someone with the intellectual capacity to appreciate it for more than a mere cry for help, or emo rambling from a Goth girl. Read as: no I don't cut myself, but I've known some who are dear to me, that have self-harmed. I don't understand it, but that's another story.
-I kind of got that.  But, then when you wrote, "If you're a sick monkey, so am I" who were you talking to?

Not once was I addressing you. I have been utilizing this thread by and large to escape the dreck I don't enjoy in other places, and am delighted you're the one to have responded to such a thing. Because quite honestly, you're possibly the only person who "gets it", or wants to, anyway. And you've helped.
-Thanks for the compliment.

I apologize, but at this point that term is hollow. So let's start afresh, and you have my word I will consider your sensitivities in my posts. I'm conscientious, believe it or not. And again, not out to hurt ... no, not ANYONE. AT ALL!
-Are you living in a culture where being self-effacing is quaint?  What you consider hollow might not sound hollow to me!  Fine, fresh is fine.

I admire your charitable ways. Yes, as you know, I've cared for an ageing family member, and it took its toll. That's when the voices in my head were at their worst. The ones that told me I'm going to die, and they hated me. My self esteem is so low, I can't accept a man who loves me. And they all fall for me, but I never believe it.
Sorry to hear that.  Does it make any difference if you wear ear buds?  Is it worse on clear, sunny days?  Less on rainy days?  Worse on flat land, parking lots, shopping areas?  Better in the forest, in valleys?  Worse by neon signs?  Worse by high transmission lines?  Better in rooms with a lot of fabric, upholstery, thick drapes (assuming home isn't by transmission lines)?

Sixteeeeeen, I never called YOU the Antichrist. I was referring to me. Please read up at my prior posts for clarification ... I was talking about myself in the third person. Seeing as though I suffer symptoms of schizophrenia, I try have a sense of humour about it. Sometimes my ways of dealing with that are not always easy to handle. But I don't go around with the purpose to inflict pain at every turn, on every person. Gentle and naive to a fault is a more accurate description. So there you have it.
-Oh, I see.  I'm sorry.  I didn't realize.  Azzy, there is no need to call yourself the Anti-Christ.  I'll try not to laugh, speaking of humor.  Female schizophrenics don't rely on soft porn in relation to thinking about the second coming of Christ.  Have you been able to try Abilify?

Oh, and by the way, my current insurance only covers medication, not cognitive behavioural therapy. So I'm trying to save up for an appointment with the psychologist.
-The psychologist can do it.  In the U.S. even the poorest people on welfare can get counseling through their health insurance.  I guess we're lucky on that.

Thank you, I'll try remember my feelings are valid. When my moods are uncontrollable, even with high doses of anti-psychotics, you tell me if I have a treatment-resistant condition?
-Unless you're sober, I mean even people with psychological issues can be alcoholics.  Calms Forte taken on a clean mouth with a glass of water is pretty good, with no side effects.  It's on the Internet, by Hylands.

Thanks for your time, patience and encouragement, despite my many failings.
-Thanks for putting up with my failings, too.  Bossy big sister was my family role.  You're welcome.  After reading your post I think I have a better understanding overall.  Sounds very serious.  Did you really give your logon info to 26 Horses in Ellgab?  That's what they're saying.  Are you the same person as Anthony, aka AK400something or other?  Check out the NAMI discussion groups online.

Azzerae's Thread
« Reply #84 on: June 26, 2019, 02:43:18 AM »
Shit, Azz.  You are harshing my mellow.  Crap.  38 minutes of sobriety shot to shit.  Well, there's always tomorrow.

Azzerae's Thread
« Reply #85 on: June 26, 2019, 04:58:43 AM »
Shit, Azz.  You are harshing my mellow.  Crap.  38 minutes of sobriety shot to shit.  Well, there's always tomorrow.
found your marshmallows harshing my mellow found your marshmallows harshing my mellow found your marshmallows harshing my mellow... 

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #86 on: June 26, 2019, 08:33:30 AM »
Will the medication ever work? I ask myself. Will the medication ever work?...

Keep trying.


An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #87 on: June 26, 2019, 09:12:49 AM »
Don't forget me!

You're a memorable individual.

How are you doing now?

Up and down. Today: mostly on edge, and presently nearing neutral...


Azzerae's Thread
« Reply #88 on: June 26, 2019, 09:14:46 AM »
Shit, Azz.  You are harshing my mellow.  Crap.  38 minutes of sobriety shot to shit.  Well, there's always tomorrow.

Sorry, dude. Its my life.

An Open Letter to Myself
« Reply #89 on: June 26, 2019, 09:20:58 AM »
"Be attentive, the world can't be an opera when it needs an operation. The second coming of Christ will require more than softcore porn, mini-bar gin and Viagra. Don't ever answer the door, and remember that most authorities believe that the side effects of this breeding ground of talentless chaos will not leave any permanent damage..."

When Jesus returns, why would you say the need for vice will increase?

This was another soliloquy, which I wrote in the hopes it'd dig me out of the depths of a most blackest despair. Not all of the piece's lines are literal, and there is some interpolation at play (paraphrasing as a vessel).

That being said, if I were to dissect the concept into bite size pieces, these are not yet the End Times, and the horrors being inflicted today are far less severe than what is to come.

The need for vice won't increase, only, the largesse of free will. And it being squandered will never water down the good that was done by the Good Samaritan.