BellGab/bellchan

These are actually pretty good. Did you have any formal training or a background in broadcasting or is it just a hobby?

Its a hobby.

Public Enemy #1



Track 1

Track 2

Track 3

Track 4

No matter how succinctly I put it, you will never understand.

Anything that amounts to any more than stroking your ego here gets you all defensive.

If anyone has trouble with me being here, take it up with Liberace. Your knight in shining armour is the one who holds the keys, the very person who let me back in. Your gripe should be with him, not me. Its his forum. And he allows it.

Do you think that any of the side effects were "psychosomatic"?

Of course my initial instinct is to dismiss the possibility out of hand.

First I'll tell you why I think not, and then why, maybe, some side effects were.

I felt like I was observing the things that were happening to me, and that they came on out of the blue. So many weird sensations ran through my being that I find it hard to accept that they were all "in my head."

I guess we must remember, nevertheless, that you're communicating with a person who has a lot going on "in his head," anyway.

But, yes, I did read the package insert before taking my first dose. And I did my own extensive personal research on what other people experienced when going onto this medication. So that most definitely could've been something that influenced the sensations I felt.

I have no doubt that some people (likely you) need to have the emotions reigned in. I just found it interesting that my friend is actually finding the increased range to be a good thing. I think that his previous medication possibly suppressed the good and the bad to the point where it was harder to "feel" and to make a connection with others.

It sounds in his case like he almost needs to learn how to experience the emotions again. In your case, it seems like learning how to avoid the extreme highs and lows is probably more important.

Yeah, I definitely needed to dial the feelings down, but could never - for the life of me - manage to do so without eventually popping pills. As I'm sure anyone can see, I'm still "myself," that is I still have my quirks ... but my inner life is much more at peace with things than it once was.

Anyhow, good to see you around again...

Likewise. I doubt this place is good for me. Maybe after Friday night's show I'll bow out from actively using the forum. We'll have to see.

I'm trying to recall which country you are in...

Finally. Someone decent.

I was in Indonesia, but now I'm back in South Africa.

Is there a public system - or is it all private?

There is a public system, but its pretty terrible. I'm on a private "medical aid".

Do you mind sharing which anti-depressant you are on?

Sure: Serdep. "Zoloft" in American terms. Pretty run-of-the-mill stuff.

I'm kind of curious how it is working as a good friend just changed from prozac and says that the new one allows for a much greater range of emotion (positive and negative.)

While I don't know anything about Prozac, as I've never taken it, this is my experience with Serdep/Zoloft:

At first, it gave me the worst headache I've ever experienced in my life. Like within 15 minutes of taking it. Then, that night, I ground my teeth to the point where I chipped my left front tooth. In the next few weeks, I lost my appetite completely. All I could do was drink weak tea - at the most. For about a month, I was dizzy, only able to lay down, hardly walk ... my heart even felt like it was going to explode one time. Like anxiety on steroids. Another time I felt "high," like numb.

Eventually, I realised that certain delusions I'd had waned (paranoia that loved ones were out to get me, that I was being monitored). I felt different overall, but I just can't describe how exactly.

Then came the giggling fits. I developed hysterical laughter because of a serotonin imbalance ... maybe even created by the antidepressant. And at night, I was having manic, racing thoughts that'd wake me up before dawn.

My mood stabilizer was increased at this point, and I was then administered an atypical antipsychotic, which gave me the most vivid frightmares you could ever fathom. I had bouts of religious obsession and hallucinations about the Devil and Hindu deities at this point. I guess my chemical make up was adjusting to the abundance of active agents rewiring all my neurons.

I had always assumed that the point of them was to dull emotion and was a little surprised to find that the one that is more helpful for him is allowing more emotion rather than less.

All in all, the antidepressant I'm on - combined with the other medications - has definitely reduced my emotional expression. But, for me, that's been a tremendously good thing, because I was always hypersensitive to the point of it being crippling, and just unable to focus or ever calm down in general. So I operate - for the most part - like a more relaxed, rational and calm person.

But that doesn't mean I haven't had bad days. It just means they're way less. I've only gotten depressed to the point of suicidal ideation (like I'm really gonna do it) ONCE in the past while. And that's a huge improvement, because I was on my way to giving up just a couple months ago, when I first got help.

Is it 100% medication for you - or is there some other therapy as well?

I would say, on paper, it seems like its just been medication, but fortunately enough, my psychiatrist has provided some therapy along with the medication she's prescribed. I consider myself lucky to have such a kind, patient doctor ... one who (I personally feel) has gone above and beyond her job.

Don't worry Azz I'm still your friend!

I know all the things you've done, and the attempts you've made to sabotage my progress.

Depends which platform specifically, there's multiple spots.

Just because your ego is disproportionately inflated due to a series of simple numbers on a screen, doesn't mean you have the right to mistreat people for a rush.

Earn a living off your supposed "talent" alone, without working some menial job graveyard shift to feed yourself. Then talk to me.

I was only being your mimic, as in "fool"

Yeah, well, you're getting me angry. Which I'm sure has produced a woody. Try not cum all over your keyboard, I know you're all out of paper towels at this point.

There's actually more than that, but that was actually the most truthful statement you've made tonight. Your autism is hysterical, post often.

The only thing that ever seems to hurt you is when somebody goes after your show. But its a common problem, amongst lesser developed men, attaching ones self worth to their worldly achievements.

By the time you realise what really matters, it'll be too late.

I wasn't even able to make it through listening to the first half of part one, so I dunno. I don't plan on revisiting it unless someone brings something interesting to my attention.

Somebody should bring a round of bullets to your attention.

For those that believe in Whitley Strieber... A True Story:

Azzarae continues his psychosis by delving into Whitley Strieber's life to find some meaning and purpose for his life and/or his social media. His mental illness has produced an ET through his window.

I don't "believe in" Whitley Strieber. I've been a fan of his writing for a couple years is all. That's very different than buying in to dangerous ideas.

Maybe. Maybe it was a hallucination. Maybe. But maybe it wasn't.

Save yourself years of recovery from Whitley's programming by reading about what happened to this guy, Jasun:

Prisoner of Infinity: UFOs, Social Engineering, and the Psychology of Fragmentation Paperback – April 30, 2018



Jasun Horsley has an awesome website that has a vast collection of Blog posts and Podcasts that cover Social Engineering that can relate back to The Paranormal. He had an obsession with Strieber's ideas and other "followings" for more than a decade before he realized how "controlled" he was by such interests.

Here is Jasun's website with intro about his Strieber book:

https://auticulture.com/prisoner-of-infinity/

I don't listen to podcasts, or consume any media of any kind, whatsoever. Nothing. So there's no chance I'll be delving in to this nonsense.

If you're going to be obsessed about such topics, then I think Jasun can help you from becoming entrapped in such beliefs and becoming more mentally ill as Azzarae is about such matters.

Uh, no. I have a doctor. I'd rather depend on the professional opinion of someone who literally has my best interests at heart, rather than some kook trying to sell a book.

Why you think replacing one crazy for another with an opposing opinion will do anything for a person's mental well being says far more about the place you're in than anything else. You can't even muster the courage to relate a smidgen of your personal life or experiences to others out of fear you'll be tracked down by the FBI. Guilty conscience. You must be doing something wrong.

Too bad the meds have suppressed your artwork for now.

They haven't, actually. I'm able to calm down and concentrate for short stretches now, thanks to my pills.

Here are some of my recent artworks:

[Azzerae] admits he can't afford professional psychotherapy, and so he is now using his forum/podcast as a substitute for therapy. I think Starr is playing the role of his therapist with a specialization in Karmic bite you in the Assstab retribution.

Actually, my psychiatrist made it clear to me that the medication she prescribed me has so far helped my self-improvement in leaps and bounds. Therefore it was concluded that I don't require psychotherapy. And for the record, I have gotten A grade medical care from my treatment plan this year, and so I'm doing way better than I was before I last interacted with you on this board.

The fact your derive amusement from the fact I said I couldn't afford therapy makes you a real piece of work. But what would you care, you're just another face in the crowd. No personality, merely a non-entity.