BellGab.com Archive

Quote from: VC on August 05, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
Nice to know you're finding a way to recovery that is helped with medication that doesn't have bad side-effects. I knew someone that had terrible side-effects from their meds and mental health problems, and they lost their life as a result of their mental illness.

I'm really sorry to hear that. That is very sad.

Quote from: VC on August 05, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
It's important that you keep trying and don't stop taking your meds, because the real problems will come back and get worse if you start cycling in relapses without your meds. You might need different types and doses as you make progress, but just don't give-up and work with your doctors to find the right meds/doses so you can keep on track and not stop. This is most important, seriously.

I agree 100% - I actually have this fear (an apparent delusion), that a group of people will stage an intervention - take away my medication - and then I'll wind up having to experience the things I had to before I got on them ... only at this point is where I'd consider suicide. Its too miserable to live like that again, and my poor family and friends having to endure the volatile nature of my moods is something I don't wish on anyone. Although suicide would hurt them, constant instability on my part affecting everyone around me causes just as much, if not more, incremental pain.

Quote from: VC on August 05, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
Do you recall if you were using multiple accounts here at BG? Care to be open and share about that too?

I've told you many times that I don't use any other accounts. This is a suspicion of yours that I think is fed largely by the fact that I do have enemies (such as Bart Ell and Little Sean), as well as the fact that I believe my account (this very account I'm using) has been hacked into, and used by someone else before. I've been banned once from the forum, but discussed the nature of why with the party concerned, and was satisfied. What is creepy to me is that I don't know who was using my account. Fortunately, it seems safe now.

Quote from: VC on August 05, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
Just curious about alters and sock puppets, as you know I was hassled a lot by an alter/SP Metron2267.

I don't really know if I can trust you, because you've insulted me quite a bit on this board - and that's been unpleasant to say the least. I in fact do not know that Metron hassled you ... I don't remember that at all, truly, VC. Metron was however my friend, but we lost touch when he was banished here, and I had to accept that and move on.

I do have one question for you, which has been asked by others here, that you didn't seem to address. Was that you who called into Heather's show last week about Art's suicide?

I'm not pressuring you to answer, I can't make you ... but I also have my curiosities.

Also, you wrote a post (presumably addressed to me) in which you stated:

Quote from: VC on July 30, 2019, 10:03:25 PM
Having fun trying to log in, @Smoko, @JUT , @Azzerae , @Nazia ?

See what happens when you share your account with known psychotic @26 horses? aka Metron2267

2 mental cases 1 account

Who the fuck are those accounts aside from "Azzerae" in your post, and what makes you loosely associate them with me?

Its deeply disturbing the lengths you go to monitor me ... like really creepy dude. So what gives?

One more thing: are you buddies with Bart Ell? Like, why do you seem to speak for him and represent his version of reality (which is often nonsense) here, at BellGab?

Remember where you are!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spuzFy33FuQ

I'd like to say my love is for creating and destroying. Motivating and provoking. Some people think there are other, clandestine reasons. Its not just a script running on a server.

Quote from: Liberace! on August 04, 2019, 01:17:08 PM
How did you wind up getting help? Did someone push you into treatment? It seems a person who is experiencing mental problems is often the last to know they need help, but that could be incorrect altogether.

A sibling. Although I was spending a lot of my time alone, I was sharing an apartment with my brother, who worked long hours. When he would come home, after a long day, I would apparently be reacting to things that were not real. I only know most of what occurred because its been told to me after the fact, and I've had to do a lot of self-analysis as part of my treatment. I can remember snippets of things that were very unusual (and now embarrass me) but I was not cognizant of the fact that I'd lost my shit.

I wasn't pushed into treatment though, no. And I'll address your point on when one is seriously mentally ill not having insight into what it is that's happening until there's an intervention. But what happened, and how I got help started with me going on these long winded stream of consciousness rants to my brother when he'd get home. Stuff that really made absolutely no sense. He's a very quiet person, but cares for me deeply, even though he isn't overly expressive of his emotions outwardly. He just thought I was being full of shit. But I would snap a lot, like yell and scream when he was around me, and I was really on edge, for no reason. My moods were volatile. That wasn't the main issue though. I began accusing him of things, and screaming at him over stuff that was going on in my head that wasn't real. The poor guy was just looking at me like 'what the fuck', however, he was really good about it, in that he'd just walk away and not engage the things I was saying. Apparently how most people should treat schizophrenics â€" but that's just his nature â€" he didn't know that was the right way to handle it â€" its just him. But I do believe hes way beyond his years in some ways.

One night I began bashing my fists into my own head and screaming at him, following him around, and he just went to his room and sat there and waited for me to stop rambling on about the nonsense that seemed perfectly rational to me in my own mind. I eventually retreated, but the following day, when I was alone again, I felt myself go from ecstasy to multiple visions of my own suicide, coupled with a sadness I can't put into words. Depression is more like it, but words can't describe these feelings, they're too intense. One other thing I'll mention â€" because these events may sound tame â€" is I had been living with a feeling of dread and anxiety in the pit of my stomach and chest for months and months on end, and I was convinced that the ceilings of my apartment were bugged and I kept searching for video camera's. I believed they were there, and could see them in my mind, but I couldn't find them. I kept looking and looking and looking in the same spots, over and over again, saying to myself they're so well hidden, and that's why I can't find them. I also believed I was going to be killed by somebody in my apartment block, and if not me, my brother would be offed. Insignificant things like a mark on the side of my car I hadn't noticed before would mean, to me, that somebody had shot at me. If I heard a noise of any type, I believed wholeheartedly it was directed at me. And then came the voices. The voices that told me I'd die, and that they hated me.

When my brother got home from work the following day, I told him about the mood swings. I didn't tel him about the camera's, and I can't remember why. If I had, perhaps he'd have realized I was bat shit at that point. But I had told him I was struggling, and he had told me I should go to the doctor. I used my same old excuse about not being able to afford it (because at this point, how disorganized I had become in my mind and waking life had rendered me absolutely broke due to not being able to concentrate on anything other than what I was hearing or seeing stopped me from progressing on any work whatsoever for 6 months plus). My brother told me I could't keep saying I didn't have money, and that I should just go to the doctor. So I did. And my GP immediately put me on antidepressants.

A couple weeks later, I met and sat down with my parents, and came clean about what was going on with me. I did this because I am very close to them, and open about most things, and felt they should know. They were quite understanding, even though my mother has never held psychiatry in very high regard, she was understanding. I think this is another reason I never got help fr a long time. I believed that because my mom was sceptical of mental illness being a thing, I should be wary of it. But I did know, for quite a few years, that something was wrong, and that I had changed. The antidepressants knocked me out so hard, but I finally felt grounded. They did make me feel really sick at first, but then, I can't put into words, how great it is, to finally feel stable, after years of feeling like you need to jump off a bridge. I don't believe in suicide, I really don't. But at my worst, I was bombarded with visions of my own death. And it was extremely confusing!

So, upon seeing the GP, and being put on the antidepressants, he referred me to a therapist (a psychologist). But before I met with this psychologist, I had begun making notes about the things I needed to tell her. Things like me hearing voices. This is the one thing I'd never told anybody before in my entire life, because â€" and I know this sounds crazy â€" but to me, it felt normal. I never thought about it as something strange. A voice telling me I'm going to die and it hates me. Yeah, I lived with that shit, and it was as straightforward as the grass being green or the sky blue. I had told her a whole lot of things, a tic I had, uncontrollable laughter episodes, mood swings … but when I arrived at the voices, was when the expression on her face changed. I don't think therapists are supposed to be very expressive, so she probably fucked up, but as I told her, she said, like, okay … and got up and went over to her computer and started typing what she said was a letter. Then she said I'm not gonna like what she's going to say, and said she wants to refer me to a specialist. I was quite okay with it, quite honestly I was thrilled I was addressing the very things that were driving me in the direction of becoming utterly useless to society at large. I was so happy. She gave me 2 psychiatrists names, one male, one female. I asked her which she knew. Luckily it was the woman psychiatrist (because I have a hard time opening up to men in this setting). When I went to this psychiatrist, she was amazing, and I've since been to regular visits with her, and gone from strength to strength. I get that for some people taking medication for mental illness is controversial, but it works well for me, and I know for a fact I wouldn't be here if it weren't for allopathic medicine. I've had other health problems throughout my life that were beaten with medication. One thing that sticks in my craw is the new-agey homeopathy trend, and wanting to combat things like mental illness with "natural methods". Sure, as far as diet, exercise and leading balanced lifestyle is concerned, that helps tremendously … but as far crushing herbs and gawking into crystal balls to combat something as terrifying as Schizophrenia, I am of little faith.

Your presumption regarding one who is mentally ill being the last to know they have a problem is heard, and I believe its correct. I only really knew what had become of me, and where I was headed after I started seeing professionals about the issues I was facing. I truly believe my paranoia and mood swings would've wound me up in a state of injuring myself physically, or perhaps even ending my life. I get how Albrecht may see me only picking up on my real problems after having seen a professional in the field of mental health as a problem, because its like a feedback loop of indoctrination on people who are otherwise seeking an explanation for behaviour they don't understand â€" and we're putty in the hands of the doctors who oversee our recovery. I'm feeling way better though, on the drugs I've been given, and have made progress in areas of my life that seemed impossible before I got on the drugs. So I would say that is a miracle by my own standards. And I'm grateful.

I understand that it may be lame, to some, that I lay out my life story, shop window, front and centre â€" but for others, perhaps its compelling a read (and one that provides answers). I can respect if there's distrust of whether or not there's validity to my claims. But I know what's happened, and whether what I say is accurate. I think it'd be too hard to lie about such things.

I also read in one of your posts that you struggled with a sibling who was/is afflicted with mental illness. And I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to deal with â€" to be on the receiving end of some of the behaviour that stems from such a situation. I sympathize, really I do. As ashamed as I am at what I put my own brother through.

Another thing that helped, was you giving me a time out. Maybe. One of the final things I'll say on all this, is that I'm not an expert on anything, I've just gone through a scary set of experiences where my own mind has played a hell of a lot of tricks on me, and I only came to realize it after the fact. So any number of my descriptions or recollections may be inaccurate in places, and there's not much I can do about that, aside from ask those around me, or write things down when my memory' return (which I do, as part of treatment).

And lastly, I came across a video which may be of interest to Albrecht particularly, but is a helpful reminder, that any diagnosis is a pattern, and the human mind picks up on and tries to understand patterns, which is a real danger of something like the DSM-5.

Quote from: Chocolate coated jackboot on August 04, 2019, 12:12:56 PM
Maybe lay off the NIN for awhile

Holy shit. That's my favourite band. Yeah dude!

I don't listen to it much nowadays, because it takes me back to a dark place - but like the narrator says in the video you shared - its as addictive as heroin. Okay, I've never done heroin, I'm more of a coke gal, but anyway, the high is similar to the rush that listening to the music provides.

Quote from: Sixteen on August 04, 2019, 12:08:40 PM
I never heard of it that way.  What I heard what that Hitler's research was relocated to the US and may have continued as covert remote mind control programs.  Each of us has over 38 levels of consciousness plus no human can view audio/video 24/7 because the watcher has his own biological needs.  So, if there is anything weird going on, wouldn't it have to be a huge team effort of an organization that has staff and money which is basically available anytime, anywhere.  Who do we know like that.  Would they pass an audit?

I hear you. The trouble is, when in the frame of mind of heightened paranoia, although I could rationalize my assassination being planned, and everyone being out to get me, the actual likelihood of it having been real is probably completely false.

I don't think it helps to look at such a thing from a logical standpoint and try to figure out if its possible, because its just not. As you said.

Quote from: Sixteen on August 04, 2019, 12:08:40 PM
Anyhow, I don't think any mortal has the capacity act like what you're saying, but maybe a team.  But for someone recovering from schizophrenia, maybe I shouldn't side track you from your recovery.

No, no, I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, greatly. I am doing a lot better, thanks to the medication, and have suffered very few side effects, if any. And don't worry, you aren't sidetracking my recovery ... it helps to share and chat about it all like this.

Quote from: Sixteen on August 04, 2019, 12:08:40 PM
I like how you are reviewing the past to document it.  Reviewing things is a wonderful tool.  Having multiple calenders can help a person review things later, too.  Like, one calendar for feeling, another calendar for hallucinations in the home, another calendar for hallucinations at a certain place, etc...  That way, when you want to review, the facts are simple to re-gather.

Thanks. I never said this before, I don't think, but time (like clocks, calendars etc.) are a bit tricky for me. I don't keep a calendar near me on my office wall, and I very rarely look at the time - unless I really have to keep time for a specific task. This is because time constraints induce a lot of anxiety and are quite a big factor in stress creation for me.

If I'm obligated to be somewhere at a certain time - which happens rarely - or am to expect a call, go to an appointment, communicate with someone for an extended period of time, without being to back out of it, I begin to get very uneasy. In a nutshell, communication terrifies me, and puts me on edge. It sounds so stupid, probably, but it just makes me get a bit "rain man".

I'm fucked.

Thank you, Dynamo. Thank you, if you mean it - I don't mean to be rude.

Quote from: albrecht on August 04, 2019, 11:48:17 AM
In another thread you mention psychosis of various types (and I wish you well as I do anyone with health problems- mental or psychical) but I will mention under that guy, and others, mental health was used as a weapon of the Party (or leader.) The Soviet Union, and bloc, was very infamous for this. They had "doctors" who "discovered" a new disease called "sluggish schizophrenia" and would be applied for dissents because, logically, who would be against the system and the Dear Leader(s) who are going to bring equality, peace, and utopia to society.

Precisely why I inserted Stalin here. You knew where I was going. I'd hoped you'd raise this point, as its been on my mind a great deal since you had made mention of it many moons ago.

Quote from: albrecht on August 04, 2019, 11:48:17 AM
I don't discount mental illness but it is important to note that it can be abused and can be, almost, arbitrarily changed; depending on the times, the politics, advances in science, or changing of social norms. This can be good, or bad, or neutral.

Your point is well taken, as are your concerns on the validity of what is (and isn't) included in diagnostic manuals, as well as how or why certain "illnesses" are removed, altered or added.

Having given the National Centre for Biotechnology article and accompanying documents a gander, I can safely say I'm both shaken at the ease and volume which diagnoses are penned - and thankful - to have had the material brought to my attention.

Quote from: ItsOver on August 04, 2019, 09:21:48 AM
"Michelle My Belle"

Limbaugh speak detected.

Will Jackstar disqualify?!

Quote from: DynamoHum on August 04, 2019, 08:33:42 AM
I hope you are feeling better now.

Profound. I wish I could discern whether you're being sincere or not.

Quote from: albrecht on June 28, 2019, 10:16:28 PM
It seems increasingly, lawyers, priests, doctors, psychiatrists, marriage councilors, civil settlements, etc. are now, seemingly, deemed ok and public or accessible by prosecutors or give up their privilege. Even Grand Jury or other proceedings that result in nothing. A weird turn on tradition - as society accepts no provisions on privacy and assumes no presumption of innocence or even right to question one's accuser or a fair trial.

Quote from: artbell_ghost on July 31, 2019, 03:52:47 PM
i assume no ego as i have no self

I love this!!!

Quote from: Liberace! on July 21, 2019, 06:40:41 PM
You do not know me. I am not your friend. Nor is anyone else you communicate with on the internet. The sooner you learn this, the more rapidly you'll understand how unobligated people are to you, your whims and your preferences.

This puts things in perspective. For me, at least.

Quote from: Liberace! on August 03, 2019, 06:05:23 PM
Oh kewl! You come up with that? Rad.

I've also seen people type Microsoft like this: Micro$oft

Fuckin' badass.

LUL

Dear Liberace,

Is Oprah's relationship with Stedman legit?

Kind regards,

AZRAA

Quote from: starramus on August 04, 2019, 05:52:13 AM
"avoid the listening mode".

Hey, thanks!

EXEGESIS: Sometimes we admire the feathers and ignore the dying bird.

Quote from: AZRAA on August 04, 2019, 05:10:55 AM
I consider atheists a special kind of stupid...

Don't be alarmed.

I have no desire to buy into the slavery of modern Christianity.

I am seeking a greater explanation.

I can't wait to share it with you.

Quote from: starramus on August 04, 2019, 05:44:48 AM
I JUST cannot generate enough interest to "tune" in to Heather's "broadcasts". Maybe if she had some recordings of her female vocalizations while having the old in out with Artie! Now that is within her purview, and realm of expertise!

#perve

Quote from: DynamoHum on August 04, 2019, 03:40:01 AM
Anthony was just ... Anthony.

LOL

Paranoia I

Earlier this year was when my fall into absolute solipsism occurred. I will detail the events as best I can recall, however, due to the nature of the psychiatric medications I am on, and their doses, my memory operates at a far lesser degree that it once did. This is both a relief and a tragedy.

Over the period of approximately 6 months, I began believing I was to be assassinated. I boarded up the windows of my city apartment and a feeling of intense adrenaline and overwhelming dread engulfed me â€" I'd never felt anything at the intensity I was experiencing it, at the time. An anxiousness of extreme proportions incessantly lived in the centre of my chest, and my stomach was constantly shifting between excruciating pain, and a wide array of uneasiness.

During this time there were many instances where I acted out of character. Personal tasks took on a gargantuan impossibility, and I was losing touch with reality in every sense one could do so. When full psychosis took hold, I could see camera's in the ceiling of my apartment, in my mind's eye, as well as physically. I had convinced myself I was being watched, and hid from strangers a block away when they would go about their business, and even though its highly unlikely they could see me at all, I believed they were watching and monitoring my every move, planning my demise. This went on day and night. I did not discuss this with anybody, because, to me, it was really happening, and I had been spending 99% of my waking hours alone.

Small things became large, my perceptions became more and more distorted, and unbeknownst to me, I was heading toward complete and utter insanity. I'd shift between elation, on cloud 9, filled with urgency and ecstasy, to low, low cycles of the blackest, inescapable depression.

You might at this point ask yourself, how could such a capable, seemingly intelligent individual as I possibly have gone through something that so evidently resembled "crazy". Well, a lot of you dislike my way, and that's fine, but I do hope you can parse the fact I'm one smart cookie from the fact I'm someone who you don't care to engage with, due to my unsavoury personality traits that jar with yours.

I'm writing this because I want you all to know that sometimes my paranoia gets the best of me. That when this happens, its easy as pie (or has been) for me to buy in to the possibly ludicrous conspiracies against and surrounding certain prominent users of the forum.

I'd like to apologize, but its hard, since the courtesy I'd be giving those with bad intentions would not be given to me in return. Suffice it to say, I don't particularly believe some of the "common consensus" about perceived overlords watching over and commanding an ominous presence, targeting peons such as I for their own amusement. While there may be but a kernel of truth to any of it remains irrelevant to me now, since I have for a couple 3 months begun to recover fully from the specific delusions that made me act out.

I sincerely trust you'll take that for what it's worth.

The log book and recollections of a Schizophrenic.

I possess the ability to know what will occur before it happens, and in many instances it has guided me to places I'd have never had the opportunity of going if not for this ability. Being psychically adept comes with a laundry list of cons, however I've tried my utmost to focus on the blessing it can be.

Often people will ask one with a highly attuned sense of extra sensory perception to prove themselves, and many times, if not always, in instances of high stress, one fails. I believe this is due to the sensitive nature of an individual of my ilk. I have very little interest in financial success of any kind, personally, yet can detect a dark corona or detail specific events that have happened â€" of which I wasn't physically present while happening â€" and become consumed with minute occurrences that most ordinary people would ignore, or not pick up on, considering them irrelevant.

See, the mind of the psychically adept functions differently than most. It is not unique, in relation to the bigger picture, but for our time, it certainly is an oddity. Human beings are able to tap in to far more than is currently assumed, however, to spend ones time trying to convince any sceptic of such a thing is not of interest to me. I am more interested in exploring what is behind the skill of extra sensory perception, and recollecting events worthy of mention.

'But and still, where is the scientific proof of telekinesis?' you ask, breezing over my personal goals regarding the subject. 'And are there any notable studies in existence that conclusively demonstrate the existence of psychic abilities?'

One possible answer is Dean Radin. One could also look to the Parapsychological Association, an international organization for scientists and scholars interested in psi phenomena. But no. I would rather seek clues elsewhere. And elsewhere, I have uncovered many a fascinating concept. Allow me to explore a few of them.

First though, I'd like to address something other, perhaps slightly related. Magicians. People who train in techniques to steer the eye and mind away from one thing and to place that attention of another. Actors. Deceivers. This has nothing to do with psychic ability, though it is a skill in and of itself.

Jesus the Son of God was not a magician, however (not in my view). But were his experiences and abilities similar to the psyche of a fortune teller or witch doctor? There's a slight overlap. Again, I digress.

I came across an atheist, who posed:

Quote
"Suppose I claim I can fly. You come to me because your cat is stuck in a tree, and you want me to get her down; but for some reason or other that doesn’t seem to happen, and you end up calling the fire brigade.

Suppose I claim I can talk to the dead. You ask me where Granny hid her coin collection before she popped off last week. I give you a lot of hot gossip from Nefertiti and Alexander the Great, but for some reason I just can’t raise Granny.

Suppose I claim I can predict the future. You take me on an all-expenses-paid weekend trip to Las Vegas because, hey, the future, right? But now it’s Monday morning, and we’re hitchhiking back home, because the rental car people wouldn’t take an IOU. There are reasons, of course. There are always reasons.

This is the situation with alleged ‘psychic’ abilities. Despite thousands of people claiming to have extraordinary superpowers in a world where everybody is out to make a buck, none of these superpowers have ever been used to make anyone rich or famous. Many millions of dollars have been made by people writing about the powers they claim to have; but when it comes to applying those powers in any kind of practical way, they invariably vanish. You know, those ‘reasons’ again.

So we can take our pick between two conclusions:

1) There are no real psychic powers;

2) There are real psychic powers, but for baffling and unfathomable reasons they never achieve anything even slightly useful, so we can safely ignore them."

Now far be it from me to associate myself with such a Doubting Thomas: I only use this example to show the psychological reasoning the average skeptic uses. And while I consider atheists a special kind of stupid, I set those biases aside, and say to you: I know I have psychic prowess. Just like I know I've seen a UFO on the highway, driving into town.

Yet, this statement is correct in that I have not gained anything of material value from my capability as a seer. Not in what most would consider measurable, and in physicality.

This is the main problem with those adept at this kind of thing â€" they're mad. Mad in the sense that often they wind up on the street. Mad in the sense that often they wind up in the nut house. Mad in the sense that they often fail to fulfill simple daily tasks. They are hypersensitive to stress.

Is it sad? Yes and no. I've seen and experienced things with those who are close to me, or those who I've had visions of that most would consider impossible. Its fine for me to internalize and live with that reality, without being able to demonstrate it to people in white coats. The same people in white coats, who when I perform one too many miracles, have legal authority over me and my fate.

So I tell you, this kind of thing is real, and I'll share it with anyone as long as I'm shown some modicum of respect. Look, I'm used to being the pariah. But if we set aside our personal differences, we can discover a lot more about the human mind than we ever dreamt possible.

Documentation, possible evidence, experiences and personal thoughts.

Quote from: Sixteen on August 03, 2019, 10:26:50 PM
Me living as a lesbian

Eww

Quote from: artbell_ghost on August 03, 2019, 02:13:36 PM
i do, she reads bellgab to. thanks for making her laugh at me. again

Does she have an account? Is she pretty?

I thought you said you had a girlfriend.

Quote from: artbell_ghost on August 03, 2019, 11:41:28 AM
heather has upped her game this round of shows.  she said she was bringing the fire and from my experience its showing.  very engaging with the callers and knowledgeable and smart guest.  its hard to believe she has been off the air as long as she was, and even in the trouble she was fine tuning her questioning spirit to reach a level that is greater than legacy its original.

The fact she was off the air for as long as she was is the reason she sounds halfway decent now, in my view. Its easy to be on top of your game when you take as much time off - from doing anything resembling work - as you like, whenever you like.

Heather will burn out at some point. She always does.