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Any Good Jokes?

Started by pyewacket, March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM

The Alcoholic

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?


Where in the fuck is my tractor?

pyewacket

A man was invited out for a night with "the boys."

He told his wife that he'd be home by midnight, "Promise!"

The hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times.
Quickly, he realized his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times.

He was really proud of himself, coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even when completely trashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew, the man thought, got away with that one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Hautex

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”


Hautex

For all you long-time married folks... Except MV, of course, he gets all he can handle...

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

twiki

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.



starrmtn001

Quote from: The Alcoholic on April 13, 2016, 09:07:33 PM
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?


Where in the fuck is my tractor?
LMAO!  My fave so far! ;) ;D



pyewacket

Mark was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches… the bad news is that it will require castration.” You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Mark was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “that’s what I need .. a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 42 long.” Mark laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Mark admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “how about a new shirt?” Mark thought for a moment and then said “sure…” The salesman eyed Mark and said “let’s see…34 sleeves and…16 and a half neck.” Mark was surprised, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years” Mark tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Mark adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked “how about some new shoes?” Mark was on a roll and said “sure!”

The salesman eyed Mark’s feet and said “Let’s see… 10-1/2…E.” Mark said astonished, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Mark tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Mark walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked “how about some new underwear?”Mark thought for a second and said, “sure!” The salesman stepped back, eyed Mark’s waist and said “Let’s see… size 36.”

Mark laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” “The salesman shook his head, “you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

ge30542

A Priest and a Rabbi are standing on a corner.
A 12 yo boy walks by.
The Priest says "let's fuck that boy".
The Rabbi says "outta what"?

ge30542

Did you hear about the Maharishi Majesh Yogi who had his teeth pulled without novacaine?

He wanted to Transcend Dental Medication.

ge30542

A sixth grade history teacher asked her class to give a famous historical quote, the year it was made, and who said it.

No one raised their hand, until finally, a Japanese girl stood up and said, "Give me liberty, or give me death, Patrick Henry, 1775.

The teacher said, "that's very good dear. The rest of you children should be ashamed. Little Yoko knows American History better than you do, and SHE was born in Japan.

A voice in the back said "oh, FUCK THE JAPS!"

The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT !?"

The voice replied "Harry Truman, 1945!"


zeebo

My friend says he's felt like a goat, ever since he was a kid.

ge30542

Complaining about the household money being spent, the husband angrily says to the wife, "if you learned how to cook, we could fire the maid". To which the wife replied, "yea, and if you learned how to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur!".

akwilly

If cows legs were only 5 inches long it would lead to udder destruction

What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? 

Gang rape.



starrmtn001

Quote from: pyewacket on August 14, 2016, 07:32:13 AM
"The Cone of Shame"


. . . or to keep them from chewing on their stitches. ;D

Hautex

Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender does his job and all of a sudden a little guy, about a foot tall climbs out of the customers topcoat onto the bar and kicks over his beer, runs the length of the bar and kicks over the drinks of everybody! The bartender, understandingly pissed, says "what he hell". The customer says, "calm down, next round is on me, it's all my fault". The bartender asks why it's his fault the tiny midget kicked over the drinks. The customer said, "I found this lamp, rubbed it, and a genie granted me one wish... I wished for a 12" prick"



3OctaveFart

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

akwilly

Quote from: Meatie Pie on December 06, 2016, 08:55:47 AM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
nice

Quote from: Meatie Pie on December 06, 2016, 08:55:47 AM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

ROTF!!!


akwilly

This old gal saw an old naked guy and said he needed ironing. She later died that day and went to hell. While there she she said dang man I'm to young to die. The devil decided to rape her and what have you

aldousburbank

What did the cube say to the ball?
I don't roll that way.

pyewacket

Great Italian Sex

The Russian man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body with salo (pork fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for ten minutes!”

The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”

The other two men were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Italian said, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

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