Any Good Jokes?

[Robert Ghostwolf's Ghost]

[Robert Ghostwolf's Ghost]

.

[Yorkshire pud]

.

The left hand column! Are two of them allowed to reproduce? If they are, it MUST be made illegal.

[GravitySucks]

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[starrmtn001]

.

[pyewacket]

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Gravity- you're my kinda guy!!! 

[GravitySucks]

.

[pyewacket]

[pyewacket]

This one's for popple. 

[pyewacket]

[GravitySucks]

This one's for popple. 

This one cracked me up!

[starrmtn001]

This one cracked me up!

+1

[GravitySucks]

+1

[GravitySucks]

 .

[starrmtn001]

.

You like to live dangerously, don't you?

[Dr. MD MD]

Well, he always swore he'd do it one day. It guess it's only a matter of time before a bus driver cracks 

[pate]

NSFW?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDKmSxJkOWA

'tis ok.  My daughter and I play a silly game where we take turns playing youtube's of different songs to each other.   The first one to hit pause on a tune is the loser.   I almost always win because I know who the Captain and Tennille are (along with other 70's songs|artists).     It is getting harder - the last time we played I had to drop back to the '60's for the kill shot with the Singing Nun   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gv7fTcxz6nE

Jorch ClooneyWurst Spock to me:  context, Not Sure

[Hautex]

A penguin is driving through Pahrump NV and his car breaks down. The mechanic says he will find him when it's ready and the penguin heads to the ice cream parlor (hey! it'd the desert and he's a penguin). So a few hrs later, the mechanic shows and says to the penguin, "Blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "no, it's vanilla ice cream"....

[pyewacket]

[Hautex]

Things are getting more and more tense regarding the right to bear arms.

Gun Debate...I have friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who believe easy access to handguns is not good for this country and those who believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the other.

I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments. I have made my final decision.

Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns.

I can't discuss it any further right now...
It's my turn to pick up the shells!     

[akwilly]

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

[pyewacket]

[Hautex]

[(Sandman) Logan-5]

Development Jokes:


Q: What do computers & Air Conditioners have in common ?
A: They both become useless when you open Windows.

Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
Chuck Norris can take a screenshot of of his BSOD

A SQL Database walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later, he walked out...       ...he couldn't find a table.

Who you callin' a query?

I don't see women as objects,   I consider each to be in a Class of her own.

When the box says "This Software requires Windows 8.1 or better", I guess that means it will run on Linux.

["hip", "hip"]

#chucknorris {
   color: #BADA55;
}

.ninja {
   color: black;
   visibility: hidden;
   animation-duration: 0.00001s;
}

#kim-kardashian {
   padding-bottom: 9999px;
}

.push-up-bra {
   margin-top: -45%;
   overflow: visible;
}

#titanic {
   float: none;
   bottom: 0
}

 


  <-- Must work for M$


0 bottles of beer on the wall, 0 bottles of beer! You take one down, and pass it around, 1844674407370955615 bottles of beer on the wall. (64-bit)

During the early years of avionics a couple of engineers were working on installing software on an aircraft computer system. When a man came to inspect the plane, to ensure that weight and balance were in line, he asked them how much the software weighed. They responded "It weighs nothing".
The inspector said "What do you think I am, stupid, how much does it weigh?". Again the engineers told the inspector that it really didn't weigh anything. Unable to come to terms with their answer the inspector left, determined to get these guys for not cooperating.
A few days later he returned with a "aha, I gotcha!" look in his eye. He pointed to the large box of punch cards that the engineers had been using. "That box has to weigh something" he said, confident that he had busted them. One of the engineers was quick to enlighten him that "The software is in the holes".

An int, a char and a string walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says "You'll have to forgive them, they're primitive types."

A developer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and tells her, "They had eggs."

0 is false and 1 is true, correct ?
1
Bastard !   

Q: What is the most common language used in programming?
...
A: Profanity !

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Code Select Expand

assert(you.love(me))


   

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.



Q: How many Prolog developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No.
(Either you know Prolog or you won't get the joke.)

" What do you mean, it needs comments!? If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand--why do you think we call it code? "



Developer: " It compiles ! "       
PM: " Ship it ."                   

Welcome to my ~./



    Windows is...

    a 64 bit rewrite of
    a 32 bit extension to
    a 16 bit API of
    an 8 bit kernel for
    a 4 bit microprocessor by
    a 2 bit company that can't stand
    1 bit of competition.

The shortest programmer joke:
"I'm almost done!"

Your algorithm is buggy. Is that part of the joke?
// No Comment.

JIT happens.



Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
...
...
...
...
...
- Java.

Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- C++.

Knock, kno   - Assembly


Programmer talking dirty:
Baby, if I were an assembly language, I'd jump to your address, shift right a bit, push on to your stack, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, and then jump if you're positive.

Eight bytes walk into a bar and say to the bartender: " Make us a double."

"Your mom circulates like a public key, servicing more requests than HTTP, she leaves all her ports open like Windows ME..."

Programmer credo:
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer ?

I've been thinking about going into the dog breeding business. I'll probably start by raising some Irish Setters and Irish Getters.

"In C++, friends can access each others privates"

Code Select Expand


switch(Shakespeare)
{
       case 0x2b:
           Console.WriteLine("To be.");
            break:
       case !0x2b:
            Console.WriteLine("Or not to be.");
             break:
       case default:
             Console.WriteLine("To err is human...  .");
             break:
}


 

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good <HEAD> on her <BODY>, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend - sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, "I hate commenting!" Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "Feature Creep." He smacked her back-end and shouted, "Who's your parent node?!" He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was an out of bounds exception. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You're 1337, baby!" This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on to her heap.

There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one...

Q: What did the C++ code say to the java code?
A:  Here's a few pointers.

Concurrency leads to Yoda notation.



Program, noun: A magic spell cast upon a computer to enable it to turn input into error messages.

I hope I didn't send all the non-techs Nopping. 

No Smug Reports please.
exit(EXIT_SUCCESS);

[starrmtn001]

Development Jokes:

[(Sandman) Logan-5]

Sorry starr.    
Perhaps I should have listed it as Inner Code Jokes.
There's a couple there though that should be funny (or lame) for everyone.

[starrmtn001]

Sorry starr.    
Perhaps I should have listed it as Inner Code Jokes.
There's a couple there though that should be funny (or lame) for everyone.

Yes, there are.  Funny, they were.  Laugh, I did.

[pyewacket]

[The Alcoholic]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

-

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.


-

When my girlfriend told me she was dumping me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I didn't believe her. But then I saw her face...

And a similar one...

When my girlfriend told me she was dumping me because of my obsession with Linkin Park, I didn't believe her but in the end it doesn't even matter.


-

A blind guys walks into a bar.

And then a chair. And a table. And a desk.


-

A blind guy goes in to a store and starts swinging his dog around above his head, a worker runs up and says "sir, can I help you?!" The blind guy says "no, just looking around."


-


Guess what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket?

"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

-


How does Hitler tie his shoezies?

In little knotsies

-


What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

-

Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?

Because then they'd be bagels.


-

Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says,

"BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB"


-

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

-

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.


-

Did you hear the one about the hipster who drowned in a creek? It wasn't mainstream.


-

What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?

They're both red except for the green one.

-

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I'm not sure, but their flag's a big plus.


-

I was so bored earlier I made a belt out of watches.

Complete waist of time.

-

An atheist, a Crossfitter,, an iPhone owner, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they told me.

[Hautex]

A guy answers an ad for a talking dog he can buy for $10
He shows up, asks the owner about the dog, the owner says "he's upstairs watching TV"
Guy finds the dog and asks the dog what his story is.
Dog says: "Well, once I started talking, I played the TV circuits until that got old, then the war came and the military drafted me to carry medicine to our wounded, until I got wounded saving my commander, after that I retired and moved here to Florida with a medal of honor".
The guy goes back to the owner and asks: "Why in hell would you want to sell an incredible, brave, talented dog like that for only $10?"
  The owner answers: "Because he's a fuckin' liar"