Author Topic: Any Good Jokes?  (Read 46302 times)

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Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #30 on: March 05, 2014, 01:10:06 PM »
I love your thread (and jokes), Pye!  Keep em' coming!  I am not much of a joke deliverer myself, but I appreciate the effort.

Was that lighthouse vs. aircraft story real?  I remember reading that joke back in the 90's.....

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2014, 01:29:18 PM »
I'm glad you're having fun with it, West. I can't remember where I first read that story, but it's supposedly from real transcripts. Just like men to make everything a pi$$ing contest.  ;)

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2014, 01:32:05 PM »
I'm glad you're having fun with it, West. I can't remember where I first read that story, but it's supposedly from real transcripts. Just like men to make everything a pi$$ing contest.  ;)

Hey, I bet I am waaaaay better at pissing than you!  ;D

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2014, 01:33:10 PM »
"Anything you can do, I can do better!  I can do anything better than you!"

(Annie Get Your Gun)

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2014, 02:05:37 PM »
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #35 on: March 06, 2014, 12:09:01 AM »
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #36 on: March 06, 2014, 02:06:45 PM »
A man was in the restaurant yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #37 on: March 07, 2014, 12:07:32 AM »
Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?


Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #38 on: March 07, 2014, 07:41:57 AM »
Rollye James,John B Wells and Art Bell walk into a bar. the bar tender sys "George Noory sucks" they all agree and order drinks.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #39 on: March 07, 2014, 10:20:07 AM »
Friday Philosophical question:

If C2C is on air and no one is listening- does George still make a sound?

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #40 on: March 07, 2014, 10:25:59 AM »
Children's Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #41 on: March 07, 2014, 09:45:27 PM »
The First Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #42 on: March 08, 2014, 02:00:08 PM »
It isn't a joke, but it is very funny.



Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #43 on: March 08, 2014, 02:16:14 PM »
It isn't a joke, but it is very funny.




Hilarious!! Thank you so much! Please share more anytime.  ;D

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #44 on: March 08, 2014, 02:50:37 PM »

Voted the funniest sketch ever.


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #45 on: March 08, 2014, 03:03:48 PM »
The genius that was Peter Cook


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2014, 03:13:49 PM »
Paired up with the virtuoso pianist Dudley Moore.


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2014, 03:32:29 PM »
Voted the funniest sketch ever.



My dad loved The Two Ronnies.

British humour. You either love it or hate it. I don't mind it.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #48 on: March 08, 2014, 06:10:41 PM »
Voted the funniest sketch ever.


I don't believe that sketch translates well into American

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #49 on: March 09, 2014, 12:23:26 PM »
Subject: MENSA and the Washington Post awards. The BEST of the BEST

These are about as humorous as they get by someone who has a way with
words.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, right?

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n... A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

Hope you had a good chuckle!!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #50 on: March 09, 2014, 12:29:44 PM »



Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #51 on: March 09, 2014, 02:11:58 PM »
How do you tell a bunch of Canadians to get out of the pool?

You say "hello everyone would you please get out of the pool now? Thanks so much."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #52 on: March 09, 2014, 08:52:06 PM »
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's
lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine’?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'... 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.

Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #53 on: March 09, 2014, 09:37:02 PM »
An MIT professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English", he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However in some languages, like Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not a one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room  piped up: "Yeah, right."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #54 on: March 09, 2014, 09:53:20 PM »
An MIT professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English", he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However in some languages, like Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not a one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room  piped up: "Yeah, right."
LOL Awesome.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #55 on: March 09, 2014, 10:26:49 PM »
A man went to the doctor to get a check up
Doctor walked in and said, "Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating"
Man asked, "Why?"
Doctor said, "Because I'm examining you"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #56 on: March 09, 2014, 11:30:05 PM »
An MIT professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English", he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However in some languages, like Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not a one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room  piped up: "Yeah, right."

Brilliant

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #57 on: March 10, 2014, 12:09:30 AM »
A guy casually introduces himself to a woman at a bar, buys her a drink, and starts to charm her.  After a while, the guy turns to the woman and asks with a sly grin on his face, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The woman pauses to think, "...you know, I think I would."

"How about 50 bucks?" The man asks, more serious than before.

"What?! What kind of woman do you THINK I am?!" The woman asks, astonished.

"Well ma'am, I've already determined what you are. Now we are negotiating on the price."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #58 on: March 11, 2014, 10:41:13 AM »
Maureen- you're so welcome. I think most boards could do with a joke thread- gives everyone a chance to share a laugh.  ;D
Yes, Pyewacket, I too laughed long and hard at the Lighthouse exchange!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #59 on: March 11, 2014, 10:49:13 AM »
Yes, Pyewacket, I too laughed long and hard at the Lighthouse exchange!

Tarbaby- that's one of my favorites- I'm trying to find more. Glad you got a laugh- seems like we all need more of them.  :)