Author Topic: Any Good Jokes?  (Read 46336 times)

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Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #180 on: May 13, 2014, 04:02:29 PM »
Q: Why did the vampire cross the road?

A: Her fangs were stuck in the chicken.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #181 on: May 13, 2014, 04:31:43 PM »
"George Noory walks into a bar..."
Everyone else walks around it.
 

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #182 on: May 14, 2014, 11:36:13 AM »
So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #183 on: May 14, 2014, 12:27:29 PM »
You can't believe atoms, they make up everything.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #184 on: May 14, 2014, 01:12:50 PM »
Chemists always get the right answer - they have all the solutions.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #185 on: May 14, 2014, 06:47:07 PM »
What has 100 feet and 7 teeth?  The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #186 on: May 15, 2014, 05:56:20 AM »
Art Bell walks into a bar full of young Asian women.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #187 on: May 15, 2014, 05:57:24 AM »
Knock knock?

Who's there?

Tommy's tits on George's face.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #188 on: May 21, 2014, 09:54:05 AM »
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #189 on: May 21, 2014, 02:43:03 PM »
I love that joke slightly more than I love your new avatar--but only just barely.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #190 on: May 21, 2014, 02:50:21 PM »
"I'm sorry," says the barman. "We don't serve Tachyons in here."

"A pint of lager please, mate." says the Tachyon.

A Tachyon walks into a bar.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #191 on: May 21, 2014, 02:52:03 PM »


"I'm sorry," says the barman. "We don't serve Tachyons in here."

"A pint of lager please, mate." says the Tachyon.

A Tachyon walks into a bar.


My bartender will not have been sorry.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #192 on: May 21, 2014, 02:55:27 PM »
In the spirit of the joke, I'm taking credit for being first to post it :)


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #193 on: May 21, 2014, 03:06:33 PM »
I am were to have been the tachyon, but you are funnier before later, later.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #194 on: May 21, 2014, 03:32:37 PM »
George walks into a bar.

Everyone else walks out.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #195 on: May 22, 2014, 12:53:04 AM »

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the $3 million is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #196 on: May 22, 2014, 02:30:04 AM »
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #197 on: June 11, 2014, 06:55:48 PM »
Time for some more jokes- I've been a slacker lately. Here are some new twists on an old classic- Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Martha Stewart: “A properly dressed chicken may cross the road, and that’s a Good Thing — but be sure to sell your chicken stock if you hear any rumors about oncoming traffic.”

Emily Dickenson: “Because I could not cross the road / She kindly crossed for me. / That chicken laid an egg that was / Delicious with my tea.”

Ralph Nader: “The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.”

Colonel Sanders: “I missed one?”

Fox Mulder: “You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?”

Dana Scully: "I know the chicken crossed the road, but it just doesn't make sense — why would the chicken risk crossing the traffic?"

Ernest Hemingway: “To die. In the rain.”

H.P. Lovecraft: “To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.”

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #198 on: June 12, 2014, 12:02:50 PM »
Time for some more jokes- I've been a slacker lately. Here are some new twists on an old classic- Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

H.P. Lovecraft: “To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.”

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #199 on: June 13, 2014, 12:08:49 AM »
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #200 on: June 14, 2014, 01:05:55 AM »
There's a new band called 1023MB.  They're still waiting for their first gig.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #201 on: June 17, 2014, 02:25:10 AM »
A minister was giving a talk to his congregation about having a healthy marital sex life.  He asked how many had sex at least once a week, and about half the people raised their hands.  Then he asked how many fell into the once a month category, and nearly half agreed.  A handful of people had sex only once every few months. 

Finally he asked if anyone only had sex only once a year, and just one person, a little old man in the back pew jumped up and waved yes, smiling broadly.  The minister couldn't help but ask him why he was so happy about it?  And the little old man shouted "Today's the day! Today's the day!"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #202 on: June 17, 2014, 03:08:23 AM »
A minister was giving a talk to his congregation about having a healthy marital sex life.  He asked how many had sex at least once a week, and about half the people raised their hands.  Then he asked how many fell into the once a month category, and nearly half agreed.  A handful of people had sex only once every few months. 

Finally he asked if anyone only had sex only once a year, and just one person, a little old man in the back pew jumped up and waved yes, smiling broadly.  The minister couldn't help but ask him why he was so happy about it?  And the little old man shouted "Today's the day! Today's the day!"

+1 good one!  That reminds me of this one;

What food makes most women despise sex with their husbands?
Wedding cake!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #203 on: June 17, 2014, 02:51:34 PM »
Just a quick reminder from Jack Chick to keep the jokes clean, because You Know Who is watching and He doesn't forget.  And don't be lustin' after the ladies, either.  Word of the good Lard, may He bless you and grease you.

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Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #204 on: June 17, 2014, 02:57:12 PM »
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That's right. It's funny until someone gets condemned to unimaginable eternal torment, smarty pantses. 

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #205 on: June 17, 2014, 04:14:21 PM »
I used to have that pamphlet!!!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #206 on: June 17, 2014, 04:28:23 PM »

One of the few Chick Tracts I've seen that's not absurdly homoerotic.

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That's right. It's funny until someone gets condemned to unimaginable eternal torment, smarty pantses.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #207 on: June 17, 2014, 04:57:00 PM »
I used to have that pamphlet!!!

Somebody gave that to my folks as a joke when I was a little kid, but I took it very seriously and it totally scared the bejeebers out of me for awhile.  Then they showed it to our preacher who was very progressive and open-minded, and he just cracked up and started making fun of it and I realized Jack Chick wasn't the personal mouthpiece of God.  I just recently discovered his web site and had no idea he produced so many of those things.  Then again, there are people who believe he's just an imaginary person created by the real producers of the tracts, because he's never seen in public and there are only a couple of very old photos purported to be of him.  That would make a great C2C show in the right hands.  I bet Ian would have loved doing something with it.


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #208 on: June 17, 2014, 05:14:50 PM »
Chick would be a good Knapp show, if he was willing to do the investigative legwork.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #209 on: June 17, 2014, 05:51:30 PM »
When I worked in Raleigh, NC I would walk past a street preacher type who would hand out Jack Chick pamphlets. I had a nice little collection there. And then threw them all out.

The fundamentalists who lived next door when I was growing up had a Jack Chick comic about a dystopian future where the UN ruled the world and would cruise neighborhoods in Jeep equipped with a guillotine on the back. If you didn't have the Mark O' the Beast on your hand or face your head was removed.

Jack Chick sucks