Author Topic: Any Good Jokes?  (Read 44515 times)

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Any Good Jokes?
« on: March 01, 2014, 07:34:47 PM »
Here's an oldie:

A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man who kept falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?" 

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2014, 07:43:44 PM »



Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2014, 07:46:42 PM »
noory is still hosting c2c

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2014, 08:02:53 PM »
War Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked, getting to her most troublesome student.

"Yes ma'am," he said.

"My daddy told a story about my Aunt Jane. She's a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Jane when she's drinking!"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2014, 09:04:17 PM »
Knock knock.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2014, 09:05:29 PM »
noory is still hosting c2c

He asked for good jokes not stale farts in enclosed and badly ventilated spaces kinda jokes.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2014, 11:12:59 PM »
What's the difference between a remote control and a g spot?

A guy will spend twenty minutes looking for the remote.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2014, 11:18:00 PM »
What's the difference between a remote control and a g spot?

A guy will spend twenty minutes looking for the remote.

Although with that long neck of yours... then wiggling the head around..? I mean c'mon.

It's a sure thing and everybody sleeps happy.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2014, 11:24:24 PM »
A woman is just getting out of the shower when she hears a knock on the door.  She has misplaced her robe and her towel is around her waist.  She panics momentarily, and then hears a voice on the other side of the door... "Blind man."  Again a knock and a voice... "Blind man here."

She decides that it's okay to answer the door.  The blind man won't be able to tell that she's only half dressed.  So she opens the door and the man says, "Hey, nice tits, lady.  Where do you want these blinds?"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2014, 11:32:19 PM »


Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2014, 11:48:15 PM »
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2014, 12:05:13 AM »
It's so cold tonight, I just saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2014, 02:58:27 AM »
Knock knock.

Walter White is the one who knocks.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2014, 04:01:57 AM »
PS: Your Cunt's in the Sink.
That's the punch line. A joke from curb your enthusiasm, late season 7.

That should be in the top right corner..

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2014, 06:13:17 AM »
How many forum members to change a lightbulb..

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2014, 06:16:58 AM »
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama 
 

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2014, 06:21:14 AM »

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2014, 10:46:59 AM »


LOL!


Here's an oldie...

Three women visited a spa and were sitting together in a sauna completely naked. Two of the women were in their 20s. The third was a senior citizen.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone began to ring. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished talking into her hand, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip implanted in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech during all this but not to be out done, she decided she had to do something that would also be impressive. She excused herself, stepped out of the sauna, and went to the ladies bathroom.

She returned to the sauna with a large piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The other two women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman laughed and said, “Fax is in!.”

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2014, 12:29:37 PM »
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet,the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes, it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that $#!+ in here."

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2014, 09:13:15 PM »
What's gray and comes in quarts?



An elephant.



Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2014, 09:58:17 PM »

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2014, 08:20:15 PM »
 The Blond Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blond female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the Blond mortician a signed, blank check and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.

She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’

To her amazement, the blond mortician gives her back the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blond says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…

So I just swapped their heads.’

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2014, 08:40:39 PM »
I don't know if it's a goodie, but it's definitely an oldie....

Two men are discussing a tragedy that befell a mutual friend.  "Did you hear about Lenny?  He got shot in the ass with a 12 gauge."

"Ooooh, rectum?"

"Wrecked 'em?  Damn near killed him!"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2014, 09:12:56 PM »
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #24 on: March 04, 2014, 12:01:35 PM »
noory and a scientist were on c2c

scientist mentions maunu kea
noory wants an escalator

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #25 on: March 04, 2014, 01:43:10 PM »
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #26 on: March 05, 2014, 08:31:27 AM »
Who's tougher?

A cop and a fireman are arguing in a bar about who's tougher, cops or firemen. Suddenly the bartender interrupts and says, "Bartenders are toughest! Watch this!" And he unzips, pulls out his unit, reaches down into the cooler and pulls out a snapping turtle. He puts the turtle near his unit and it gloms on! After about 20 seconds the bartender pokes the turtle in the eye so it will let go and he puts the turtle back into the cooler and puts his penis back in his pants.
Another guy, Shorty, is sitting there watching all this, eyes wide.
   The bartender says, "Okay, Shorty! You think you're man enough to do this?"
Shorty says, "Um, all right. But just don't poke me in the eye, okay?"

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #27 on: March 05, 2014, 11:10:45 AM »
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #28 on: March 05, 2014, 11:34:59 AM »
 ;D Pyewacket, you have made me laugh- again! Thanks!! ;D

Re: Any Good Jokes?
« Reply #29 on: March 05, 2014, 12:55:02 PM »
;D Pyewacket, you have made me laugh- again! Thanks!! ;D

Maureen- you're so welcome. I think most boards could do with a joke thread- gives everyone a chance to share a laugh.  ;D