Any Good Jokes?

[zeebo]

A man was walking with his wife through the park on a snowy winter's day.  When he got mad at her for stopping to feed a bird she said "Please dear, not in front of the chilled wren."

[zeebo]

Did you hear about the specialist?  He kept learning more and more about less and less until eventually he knew everything about nothing.

[Mr. Fidget]

My Mom said "An expert is a drip, formerly under pressure."

[b_dubb]

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

We have a winner

[onan]

My Mom said "An expert is a drip, formerly under pressure."

the word expert, broken into its parts, ex and spert, ex being an unknown quantity and spert being a drip under pressure.

[Treading Water]

We have a winner

Yes, yes we do.   

[pyewacket]

Criminal Lawyers Award

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[b_dubb]

Which leads me to the following joke:

What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

They get taller.

[pyewacket]

 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

[zeebo]

We have a winner

Sir Cumference always wins - he's a ringer.

[phrodo]

Criminal Lawyers Award

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Nope - just another urban legend. Sorry.
http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

[phrodo]

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

And another ...
http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp

[Treading Water]

Doesn't matter.  Still funny.   

[pyewacket]

And another ...
http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp

This isn't meant to be a serious newsfeed page. Some urban legends are well written and funny. No harm presenting them on a joke page- we're here, after all, for the laughs. If George can host a radio show- these urban legends can pass as jokes.

[phrodo]

This isn't meant to be a serious newsfeed page. Some urban legends are well written and funny. No harm presenting them on a joke page- we're here, after all, for the laughs. If George can host a radio show- these urban legends can pass as jokes.

Didn't mean that they weren't funny - just not true. They would be even funnier if they were indeed true.

[pyewacket]

Didn't mean that they weren't funny - just not true. They would be even funnier if they were indeed true.

Lucky for the guy on the stretcher.

[Mind Flayer Monk]

Q: What is green and sings?

A: Elvis Parsley.

[zeebo]

Q. What animal should you never play poker with?

A. The cheetah.

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

Here's one I told to Quack Karl:

ME: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KARL: Gun store got a shipment of ammo?

ME: No, to visit the idiot.

KARL: ??

ME: Knock, knock

KARL: Was that the joke?

ME: Knock, knock

KARL: Okay, dad-gum it, WHO'S THERE?

ME: The chicken.

KARL: What in the HELL are you talkin about, mohondo?

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

What do nine out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

[pyewacket]

George is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, George can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

George's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  George continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

[pyewacket]

Here's an old, rude joke:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

Q: Why did Quick Karl cross the road?

A: Because he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

[zeebo]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below replies, “You must work in Management.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. And you’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

[phrodo]

What's gray and comes in quarts?
An Elephant.

What's the difference between an Elephant and a grape?
A grape is purple.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the Elephants coming?
Here come the Elephants

What did Jane say when she saw the Elephants coming?
Here come the grapes. Jane was colorblind.

How do Elephants hide in apple trees?
They paint their balls red.

Why don't you walk thru the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
Because that's when the Elephants are jumping out of trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking apples.

Why are pigmies so short?
Because they walk thru the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

[Khameleon808]

So this man is having troubles with duration in the sack and cant satisfy his wife.  He has tried all of the tricks, and toys, and tools one could think of to put some "spice" into the bedroom
He tells his buddy at work about it. His friend suggest to him to go to this Voodoo witch doctor that his aunt knows.

He goes to this shady looking part of town and meets this guy.  The room is dark, dimly lit (much like us gabcasters rooms around this time ) and he has a parrot off in the corner.   
He sits him down and asks what his problem is.  The man explains about not being able to maintain virility in the bedroom.  The man says " I have just the thing one moment please" and leaves the room. 

He comes back with a strangely decorated box and sets it on the table.   He tells the man this could be the answer he needs.
"What is it" the man asks.  The witch doctor opened the box and said "this is Voodoo Dick, and wherever you tell it to go, it will not stop until pleasure ensues."
"Let me demonstrate"  "Voodoo dick, parrot" he screams.  And this huge rubbery lookin dick jumps out of this box by itself and starts banging the hell out of this parrot.  Its screamin, feathers are flying all over the place.  Finally the witch doctor says "Voodoo Dick Box"   It stops immediately and hops back up to the table and back into the box.

"OH MY GOD" he exclaims. "its perfect".    As they exchange money for the box, the witch doctor warns the man to follow the instructions to get it to stop by saying "voodoo dick box"   he agreed and took it home excitingly to his wife.

He's getting the bedroom all ready, he's gettin all ready, jazmunda's gabcast music is playing in the background, candles, whole 9.   She comes home and he explains to her "look darling, I know i havent been able to please you in the bedroom lately but I think I might finally have something to help us"     She interestingly says " Really? "

He pulls out the box and says "Voodoo dick my wife "   And this huge rubbery dong hops out by itself like some kinda fucked up disney movie and proceeds to bang the hell out of his wife.  She is loving it, she's screaming, moaning, breaking shit off the headboard.  I think a candle or two fell, i dont remember.  Anyway so after a while he Says VOODOO DICK BOX.  It stops, and jumps back into the box.  "That was amazing!" she said.   They both went to sleep. 

The next morning he goes to work, and she decides she wants to have a little fun.   Gets the box out and when ready says VOODOO DICK ME'    so again the same routine, she's loving it and all that.  After a while she has had enough and says STOP, VOODOO DICK STOP.  But it continues to keep banging her with no mercy.   So she grabs it, throws it across the room and runs out of her house screaming.   She gets in her car all hysterical and naked.  Rolls up the windows and takes off down the freeway.   This possessed dick is hopping right along closely behind her. I am not sure how fast it was hopping, but def enough to get fined double in a work zone.  Anyway   This cop sees her and pulls her over and asks her to roll her window down and calmly explain why she is careening down the highway naked, with the windows rolled up.   

She finally catches her breath and the only babble the officer can make out is " THERE IS A VOODOO DICK CHASING ME" 

He looks at her in disbelief and replies with "VOODOO DICK, MY ASS!"

[Kelt]

http://youtu.be/BHM2m6zpccg

[DigitalPigSnuggler]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”

The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”

She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”

[pyewacket]

Spam!!!

Monty Python - Spam

[Eddie Coyle]

     Did anybody else spend the late eighties calling numbers like this and asking: "Yeah, do you deliver?'

        http://youtu.be/mZnGK8euOI8