How can I quickly tell if someones a loving person?

[beavischongus]

I recently had a near death experience and it changed my outlook on life and I'd like to surround myself with good people.  I'd like to be with egoless people that I can work constructively and creatively with for the greater good of humanity. 

One thing I've been doing is asking people "who do you think you are?" and seeing how they respond.  If they become angry or tell me they're a big deal, I know they are identified with their ego and will likely use me as a means to their own ends.  One guy told me he is one with everything and we became good friends.  I'm trying to come up with a list of rapid fire questions for when I'm interviewing people.

I know there are manipulative people out there that will tell me everything I want to hear and then stab me in the back once they gain my trust, so how do you know how to avoid people like that?  How do you feel out the wolf in sheep's clothing?

[coaster]

Play it safe and avoid everyone. thats what I do.

[beavischongus]

haha, I've done that before but I got bored and I know there's good people out there.

[Meggini]

I don't think you can tell quickly with any accuracy. You might miss a good person if they're simply having a bad day and pass a bad person who makes a good impression.

Have you tried associating yourself with a like-minded, but diverse, group who are working towards the same goals you are?  There might be a bad apple in the bunch, but the overall experience could be positive.

You can find local philosophical/spiritual groups on meetup.com. It's a club networking site - not a dating site. You could also search for a shamanic group in your area. Shamanic centers tend to draw people from diverse religions who are open to personal experiences like NDE's and who want to work towards the greater good.

[Pragmier]

What I experience is this: you get a sense of the person by their friends or family. If they're good peeps folks will tell you. If you can't meet someone willing to say nice things, that's not a good sign.

[Mind Flayer Monk]

I recently had a near death experience and it changed my outlook on life and I'd like to surround myself with good people.  I'd like to be with egoless people that I can work constructively and creatively with for the greater good of humanity. 

How do you feel out the wolf in sheep's clothing?

1. I think you would really like/should listen to this show
"My So Called Guru"

http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/uf/uf120504my_so-called_guru


2. You could try the book "Blink" to see if it gives you any ummm insight on making fast judgements.
http://www.amazon.com/Blink-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316010669

3.
" How can I get the mountains, the rivers, and the great earth to return to me?
You should return yourself to the mountains, the rivers, and the great earth!"

[The General]

you can tell a lot about what is in sombody's heart by how they treat people that they don't have to be nice to.  Waiters/waitresses, store clerks, taxi drivers... big tippers are usually a-ok.

.........................but here comes reality............................

The problem is this: there is no way to do what you are asking.  Even a loving person can turn on you.  People you've known and trusted for years can turn out to be evil.  Every day is a choice and some people will make terrible choices that effect others negatively out of the blue. 

My advice is, don't be naive.  There is no such thing as an enlightened individual that you can trust.  Every one is out for themselves at the end of the day, and every person is flawed and makes bad choices.  Don't let it ruin your life, but choose your friends wisely.  Especially be careful with the people that you trust with your kids and your property.

[beavischongus]

That meetup sight looks promising, Meggini.  I suppose all good things take time to create and a solid, trusting relationship is no exception.  I know I've made bad impressions on people because I felt like crap for a particular moment and then a minute later I regretted how I behaved but I will be forever known to them as that asshole guy.  There just isn't enough time to get to know every thing about every person so it must be a subconscious survival mechanism that causes people to make quick judgements of others.  Those books look good, monk.  Good advice everyone.

[Sardondi]

....I'm trying to come up with a list of rapid fire questions for when I'm interviewing people.....

Okay, I think you need to step back a good bit and reorient before you begin this insta-quest for loving people.

First of all, IMO you need to abandon your idea of "quick": it can't be done. Not reliably. You can get indicators, but to be as sure as you can just takes time spent with them in a wide range of places and circumstances. Even then there's no guarantee.

Another thing is, it sounds to me that your defensiveness, which is very natural with those of us who have been badly hurt, will make you suspicious to such an extent that you're probably going to miss some good candidates who won't think you are a loving person because of that mistrust. So open some, but go slow

Decent people more than likely won' put up with "having rapid fire questions" thrown at them by someone who is obviously putting them to some test to see if they're "good enough". They'll walk. And you'll almost certainly miss out on some fine people. Would you stand for that kind of treatment?

Take time; be open; take risks. But on the other hand, particularly if you're doing this online, you must be careful, because grifters use the internet as a target selection device. Churches are better places to meet potential good people than titty bars: there may be strippers who aren't also con artists and hookers, but that's how the smart money bets. It's just going to take time.

[beavischongus]

Yeah, I can see how being extremely weary of others could cause them not to trust me.  I have to see things in myself first before I can see them in other people and I wasn't always a good guy. 

The church idea is a good one and I agree that the internet is a bad place to meet people.  It's too difficult to tell what someones true intentions are without their body language and voice tonality.

[Juan]

I think I began getting along better when I began to trust everyone - trust them to be doing or saying whatever it is that they think is in their own best interest at that moment.  I think that is realism. 

[PB the Deplorable]

Determine if they are mostly positive or negitive in general.  Do they encourage you or discourage you, mostly open and honest or mostly.just bullshitting.  Do they do what they say they will do.

I look for little 'tells' - pay very close atention to what they say and do, no matter how insignificant it may seem at the time.

If  they say or so something that doesn't seem quite right, or is even very uncool - it it a one time event type thing we all do from time to time, or part of a trend.

Observe how they treat others and what they say behind their backs - I've seen people burned down the line after they said 'well, they haven't treated me that way'.

Carefully analize anything that seems unusual or out of character.

I'd be careful about getting involved with an addict.

Go with your gut.

[Meggini]

The church idea is a good one and I agree that the internet is a bad place to meet people.  It's too difficult to tell what someones true intentions are without their body language and voice tonality.

If you do try meetup.com, rest assured that Meetup's rule is that your club or interest group must meet in-person. It's great for people who have moved to a new town, or had a life change (like you), or realized that no one they currently know enjoys (insert activity/interest here) but has really been wanting to (hike / play board games / discuss spiritual issues / drink locally brewed beers) with people who are genuinely interested in the experience. I've used it and it really helped me.

I think having a life-changing experience can be lonely if don't find real in-person people who understand a little of what it must be like. Shared experience is better than sympathy any day.

[ACE of CLUBS]

George Noory loves you .....

[DAE]

Chongus, the answer to your question is quite simple, for knowing how to find the good people. Based on first conversation with them, if they are showing interest in what you have to say, treating the conversation equally, perhaps asking questions, or not interrupting you after 2 sentences... that's when you have found both a smart and empathetic person.  The odds then increase that they will have other good qualities of the type you wish to be around. 

It's really a secret technique that so few pay attention to. The reason it works usually as a gauge is that "active listening" requires conscious awareness which includes aspects of higher intelligence, awareness of what is going on around you, the politeness to not interrupt others, and the rareness of taking an interest or asking follow-up questions.  When that is gleaned so early into the event of meeting someone new, it's basically a good sign that you can proceed without caution.

The next greatest gauge, although usually not available early in a relationship, is their ability to admit error and apologize, without a vast ritual of denial or justifications.  If someone is a good listener, takes an interest in you, and has their ego under check... success usually will occur.  And those are qualities help towards building a good relationship, ESPECIALLY when the relationship has a few downturns and requires both people to have higher empathy and ownership skills when it comes to solving a problem.

Spotting this stuff is easy.  Predicting the outcomes comes from experience and observations.  The only hard part though is actually finding people like this.  It literally might be 1 out of 100,000.

[McPhallus]

This ties in to something Pragmier said earlier in the thread, but ask them about how well they get along with their family--which ones they associate with, those they avoid, and why.  It will tell you a few things.

Also inquire about their friends... What qualities they have, why they are friends, what their longer term friends are like, etc.  It's also good to know their criteria for choosing friends and how well-defined their boundaries are... How much they'll put up with before giving someone the boot.

It's also good to know if they have a history of getting taken advantage of, abused, etc., and then still associating with the person.  Tells you a lot about who they are and how they make decisions.