Just found out my ex-wife has cancer

The General · October 10, 2012, 12:22:20 AM

I haven't spoken to her in about 4 or 5 years. I asked her to stop communicating with me when I remarried. We had no children, no property, nothing. As divorces go, it was pretty neat and tidy. She went her way (whoring) and I went mine (the path of awesomeness).

So, I just found out that she has pretty bad colon cancer, at this point it's inoperable and they are going to attack it with chemo and radiation.

Should I feel bad for her? Ok, let me rephrase that... why don't I feel bad for her? At this point, she's just another stranger that has some health problems. I had some health problems when we were married and she was a cold bitch to me. She wouldn't give me the time of day. After about 6 months of marriage she decided that she hated me. And then proceeded to try to make me miserable for about 2 years til she finally asked for a divorce. Anyway...

I'm wondering, should I break my silence and send her an email or a card saying 'Get Well Soon?' Or do I just go on pretending that our marriage never happened? I don't want to re-establish any sort of communication, so I'm leaning heavily towards no. But I feel guilty about it. Should I? Thoughts?

Eddie Coyle · October 10, 2012, 12:30:56 AM

Personally, I wouldn't alter what you're doing. It's probably "cold", but why be a phony about it-"oh you're dying, let's be friends". There's no relationship currently and the ONLY reason for rapprochement,IMO, is due to children, and since that's not at play here...I'd say no.

PB the Deplorable · October 10, 2012, 12:36:58 AM

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

HAL 9000 · October 10, 2012, 12:42:12 AM

Quote from: The General on October 10, 2012, 12:22:20 AMShould I feel bad for her? Ok, let me rephrase that... why don't I feel bad for her? At this point, she's just another stranger that has some health problems... I'm wondering, should I break my silence and send her an email or a card saying 'Get Well Soon?' Or do I just go on pretending that our marriage never happened?...But I feel guilty about it. Should I? Thoughts?

Call me a sap, but at least at some point, you both cared enough about one another to get married. Take the high road. Wish her well in her battle for life/health, then leave it at that. To me, there appears to be no downside for wishing someone well in time of crisis. The upside is, any sense of guilt should vanish.

MV/Liberace! · October 10, 2012, 12:59:31 AM

I'd send her a picture of my new wife and me kicking it on a beach enjoying ourselves. Your lucky avoidance of children with her is the only reason she's not STILL making your life hell. Fuck her. The fact that she's now sick is irrelevant. We'll all face this and that as death comes knocking. It doesn't give her a pass when it comes to her toxic behavior toward you... and I think u should rub her face in it.

Yes, I'm an insensitive cunt. Life and various observations have made me that way.

Sardondi · October 10, 2012, 02:29:53 AM

Do you live in the same town? If you don't you could just try to slick it and say later (depending on how you really did find out and whether it would get back to her) that you never heard.

If you are in the same area, I assume it's not a small town setting, which makes things much more difficult and often gets both families dragged into a fuss. If you are in a small town, I'd say some kind of contact is pretty much a must.

I guess the question is, can you live with not contacting her? From the way you described the relationship, I don't think you owe her anything at all. It sounds as if she wanted to leave you. I don't see anything you "owe" her. I think for all of us, if we were in your situation, we would worried that her illness would make her desperate and needy, and all of a sudden you find yourself the caretaker of a terminal woman who left you for someone else. (Seems about 10 years ago there was some book by a woman who did just that for her ex-husband who had left her for a younger woman. Even in the face of that she took care of him when the younger woman bailed out.)

The only thing I can think to do is try to put yourself as much into her position as possible, including the falling-out-of-love, gotta-get-away-from-him stuff. And then see if you'd like to hear from you.

BobGrau · October 10, 2012, 04:15:36 AM

I'd say don't get involved, wish her well in your head (if you're into that sort of thing) and don't feel guilty about it. If it was me and I contacted her, I would then simply feel guilty for only getting in touch because I felt guilty, and so on in an infinite spiral of nonsense.

HAL 9000 · October 10, 2012, 04:35:41 AM

Maybe I'll put it another way...

If blutsauger, the_wanderer, Fort Rock, Oversoul, or even our latest incarnation of fuckwad-of-the-month Widget were to post they had a serious, potentially life-threatening illness (excepting, of course, mental), even I would wish them good health.

Nothing more mind you...

Back on topic - so little effort involved to avoid any hint of guilt - not that you should have any, but a few minutes of your time might make yourself feel better (no guilt), and would not make you feel worse for making a kind offering - despite an ugly past.

Where's Chewmouse when you need her? She is qualified for this sort of thing. Really.

WOTR · October 10, 2012, 05:09:37 AM

6 months of marriage and 2 years of misery without any contact since just is not worth it. Will you attend the funeral? Why bother when you know she probably is just as happy not to hear from you either. She has her friends, family and support system that does not include you and probably does not want the contact. You consider her a Bitch, she likely considers you a asshole. Would you want her to show up in your hospital room with a card if you landed there? By the sounds of it, the only good a card might do would be to provide material to start a fire should she recover or line a birdcage.

If she is terminal and wants to come to peace with your relationship she will contact you. At that point I would probably spend the few minutes it would take to put her mind at ease but would not initiate the contact.

b_dubb · October 10, 2012, 05:46:41 AM

someone recently told me that holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt someone else. having said that ... i think you (General) are the only one who can answer this

McPhallus · October 10, 2012, 06:15:06 AM

Tough call. You care at least enough to ponder it and gather feedback from others. Maybe her likely imminent mortality has caused her to reconsider the way she's treated the people in her life, including you. This might be one last chance to put the past to rest.

Quote from: The General on October 10, 2012, 12:22:20 AM
I haven't spoken to her in about 4 or 5 years. I asked her to stop communicating with me when I remarried. We had no children, no property, nothing. As divorces go, it was pretty neat and tidy. She went her way (whoring) and I went mine (the path of awesomeness).

So, I just found out that she has pretty bad colon cancer, at this point it's inoperable and they are going to attack it with chemo and radiation.

Should I feel bad for her? Ok, let me rephrase that... why don't I feel bad for her? At this point, she's just another stranger that has some health problems. I had some health problems when we were married and she was a cold bitch to me. She wouldn't give me the time of day. After about 6 months of marriage she decided that she hated me. And then proceeded to try to make me miserable for about 2 years til she finally asked for a divorce. Anyway...

I'm wondering, should I break my silence and send her an email or a card saying 'Get Well Soon?' Or do I just go on pretending that our marriage never happened? I don't want to re-establish any sort of communication, so I'm leaning heavily towards no. But I feel guilty about it. Should I? Thoughts?

onan · October 10, 2012, 06:22:41 AM

In my book, General, you are a stand up guy. Either choice has good and bad points. Like Mcphallus stated, obviously this has some significance.

There isn't a wrong answer here. Whenever I have a tough choice, I use the "how would I advise my best friend" approach. Then proceed accordingly.

What we do for others, in the long run, is what we do for ourselves... if that means anything to you.

PB the Deplorable · October 10, 2012, 08:16:10 AM

I think after a day or two of reflection, I'd probably send a short note offering sympathy and wishing her well. It costs you nothing, you won't feel regret later, and no one will be able to accuse you of anything.

If she wanted more contact after that... ignoring those messages might be for the best..

Pragmier · October 10, 2012, 08:19:49 AM

Quote from: HAL 9000 on October 10, 2012, 12:42:12 AM
Call me a sap, but at least at some point, you both cared enough about one another to get married. Take the high road. Wish her well in her battle for life/health, then leave it at that. To me, there appears to be no downside for wishing someone well in time of crisis. The upside is, any sense of guilt should vanish.

I would second this. If you're presently married, your current wife may have strong feelings about the situation worth considering.

11angeleyes11 · October 10, 2012, 08:50:23 AM

General, I have read your post for sometime and you have always been above board. Obviously, if you did not feel something and have some conflict, you would not be posting about it on a forum.

It is a personal decision that you must make. In the final analysis, what I might recommend is think about it overnight. If you are inclined to send a note with a kind message of recovery, then do so. It costs nothing, but it could make you as well as her have better emotions between each other.

Now, you posted on a Coast forum. You know what the ideal answer is don't you? If you are a real trooper, you will immediately send Coast an e-mail to add her to their Friday night prayer list. And, if you send the short note, or card, don't forget to recommend tumeric.

ziznak · October 10, 2012, 09:08:35 AM

Ah just send the bitch a card that says something like... "I still hate your guts but I don't want you to die... yet."

McPhallus · October 10, 2012, 09:12:36 AM

Quote from: ziznak on October 10, 2012, 09:08:35 AM
Ah just send the bitch a card that says something like... "I still hate your guts but I don't want you to die... yet."

Or a passive-aggressive approach:

"Get well soon you dumb cunt."

The General · October 10, 2012, 10:00:16 AM

Thanks all for your advice. I appreciate the humor as well. It is a serious situation, but I was trying to inject some humor into it myself with my initial post. Calling her a whore and such. I really don't hold any grudge and almost never think of her, but then I heard this about her having cancer. She's pretty young for that. She's only 34.

Quote from: Sardondi on October 10, 2012, 02:29:53 AM
Do you live in the same town?

No, I live in Seattle, and I'm not sure what city she lives in now, but I think she is back home with her parents now in Idaho since becoming ill. She joined the peace corps after the ink on our papers dried, got sent to the Caribbean. I always found it interesting that she wanted to help people so badly but wanted to treat her own husband like a nazi rapist.

Quote from: Pragmier on October 10, 2012, 08:19:49 AM
If you're presently married, your current wife may have strong feelings about the situation worth considering.

My wife now is so awesome. She would support me in whatever decision I make about it. She leaves this situation up to me, she loves me enough to respect what I do.

Quote from: Paper*Boy on October 10, 2012, 08:16:10 AM
I think after a day or two of reflection, I'd probably send a short note offering sympathy and wishing her well. It costs you nothing, you won't feel regret later, and no one will be able to accuse you of anything.

If she wanted more contact after that... ignoring those messages might be for the best..

I've been thinking about it since monday. That's 3 days now. It just seems disingenuous if I were to wish her well and then go back to ignoring her. She would almost certainly respond. If I wish her well, it has to be for her, out of what's left of the goodness of my heart, and not to assuage me or my guilt.

Quote from: b_dubb on October 10, 2012, 05:46:41 AM
someone recently told me that holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt someone else. having said that ... i think you (General) are the only one who can answer this

I really don't hold a grudge, I'm so happily married now and it was long enough ago, it's almost like it never happened. I was really angry about it for a while. But not any longer.

Quote from: MV on October 10, 2012, 12:59:31 AM
I'd send her a picture of my new wife and me kicking it on a beach enjoying ourselves. Your lucky avoidance of children with her is the only reason she's not STILL making your life hell. Fuck her. The fact that she's now sick is irrelevant. We'll all face this and that as death comes knocking. It doesn't give her a pass when it comes to her toxic behavior toward you... and I think u should rub her face in it.

HAHA. The sensitive approach. You should be a life coach. I DO know that she's had a string of unsuccessful relationships with a baker's dozen of douchbags, and she is alone now.

Quote from: Eddie Coyle on October 10, 2012, 12:30:56 AM
Personally, I wouldn't alter what you're doing. It's probably "cold", but why be a phony about it-"oh you're dying, let's be friends". There's no relationship currently and the ONLY reason for rapprochement,IMO, is due to children, and since that's not at play here...I'd say no.

I think I'm with Eddie on this. I may still change my mind. who knows.

b_dubb · October 10, 2012, 12:13:57 PM

Quote from: Paper*Boy on October 10, 2012, 12:36:58 AM

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

great song

ChewMouse · October 10, 2012, 02:29:09 PM

This woman is someone with whom you have a legally terminated relationship. It wasn't, in the scheme of things, a very long marriage (you said about two and a half years), nor was it a good one, and you do have a current marriage that you value.

Not only do you owe her nothing (a card, good thoughts, guilt over not wanting to give either), it's possible that just such a communication would upset her when she needs to be focused on her recovery or impending demise.

My opinion is: leave it alone. Move forward without guilt and save your love and concern for those who return both.

Sardondi · October 10, 2012, 03:28:09 PM

Quote from: HAL 9000 on October 10, 2012, 04:35:41 AM
...Where's Chewmouse when you need her? She is qualified for this sort of thing...

↑There she is, to the rescue.

The General · October 10, 2012, 03:42:02 PM

Quote from: HAL 9000 on October 10, 2012, 04:35:41 AM
Where's Chewmouse when you need her? She is qualified for this sort of thing. Really.

Quote from: ChewMouse on October 10, 2012, 02:29:09 PM
This woman is someone with whom you have a legally terminated relationship. It wasn't, in the scheme of things, a very long marriage (you said about two and a half years), nor was it a good one, and you do have a current marriage that you value.

Not only do you owe her nothing (a card, good thoughts, guilt over not wanting to give either), it's possible that just such a communication would upset her when she needs to be focused on her recovery or impending demise.

My opinion is: leave it alone. Move forward without guilt and save your love and concern for those who return both.

Quote from: Sardondi on October 10, 2012, 03:28:09 PM
↑There she is, to the rescue.

The chewmouse has spoken. It's my favorite response so far, and it solidifies how I was already feeling. In the midst of a crisis in my life, she's the last person I'd want to hear from. I will give her that same respect. I move forward without guilt, and like the mouse said, save my love and concern for those who return both.

That's one wise mouse.

MV/Liberace! · October 10, 2012, 10:02:36 PM

Quote from: The General on October 10, 2012, 03:42:02 PM
That's one wise mouse.

it's the chew mouse.

HAL 9000 · October 10, 2012, 11:35:10 PM

I had confidence in Chew, and she found her way through the maze to find the cheese.

ziznak · October 11, 2012, 12:04:25 AM

Amazing this mouse can dispense such knowledge while being burdened with such a twitchy nervous system and cheese addiction.

Blinko · October 11, 2012, 12:14:32 AM

Just be honest with her bud.

Let her know about the overpopulation problem that she will help solve when the grim reaper finally taps her on the shoulder and asks for the Danse Macabre.

If she think's it's not fair , go ahead and direct her to Alex Jones so she can know that her death has some greater meaning as she is obviously the victim of " soft kill " that he rants about incessantly.

Then there's religion. If she is a true believer she has eternal church to look forward to in the afterlife , singing from her hymn book and spending all eternity praising Jesus.

Judging by your story I'd say the most appropriate response is to stop pretending you care and not exert the effort to even make the post that you should not have made.

But if you must respond in some way ... an email as you suggested. Respond with this.

Then go on your merry way.

Sardondi · October 11, 2012, 12:46:14 AM

Quote from: Blinko on October 11, 2012, 12:14:32 AM
Just be honest with her bud.

Let her know about the overpopulation problem that she will help solve when the grim reaper finally taps her on the shoulder and asks for the Danse Macabre.

If she think's it's not fair , go ahead and direct her to Alex Jones so she can know that her death has some greater meaning as she is obviously the victim of " soft kill " that he rants about incessantly.

Then there's religion. If she is a true believer she has eternal church to look forward to in the afterlife , singing from her hymn book and spending all eternity praising Jesus.

Judging by your story I'd say the most appropriate response is to stop pretending you care and not exert the effort to even make the post that you should not have made.

But if you must respond in some way ... an email as you suggested. Respond with this.
Then go on your merry way.

Translation: Fuck you. And fuck you. Fuck you too. Oh, and the guy who asked the question? Fuck you.

Blinko · October 11, 2012, 12:53:29 AM

Quote from: Sardondi on October 11, 2012, 12:46:14 AM
Translation: Fuck you. And fuck you. Fuck you too. Oh, and the guy who asked the question? Fuck you.

" why dont i feel bad for her" and " she is just another stranger"

You are right Sardoni...

from the General's point of view it's a fuck you all around.

The decision was made before the post was , we are to bolster the " fuck you "

If that's not the purpose of the post I dont see what is.

The General · October 11, 2012, 09:07:36 AM

Quote from: Blinko on October 11, 2012, 12:53:29 AM
" why dont i feel bad for her" and " she is just another stranger"

You are right Sardoni...

from the General's point of view it's a fuck you all around.

The decision was made before the post was , we are to bolster the " fuck you "

If that's not the purpose of the post I dont see what is.

I wish my ex no ill will. And I wish none to you. I was just being honest, and bouncing my inner conflict off of some anonymous internet folks who've earned my respect. I've found it to be much easier than to try to talk with friends about it. Most of my friends knew her and I before we married, so they're still in contact with her. And they probably think that I'm being cold by not rushing to her bedside or at least sending flowers or something. The friend who told me about the cancer on monday was astonished that I didn't know about it.

But it's all good with me if it rubbed you the wrong way. It makes no difference to me. None.

Eddie Coyle · October 11, 2012, 12:16:10 PM

Quote from: The General on October 11, 2012, 09:07:36 AM
Most of my friends knew her and I before we married, so they're still in contact with her. And they probably think that I'm being cold by not rushing to her bedside or at least sending flowers or something. The friend who told me about the cancer on monday was astonished that I didn't know about it.

There's the crux of the matter, she has not reached out to you. It's not like you're rejecting her pleas on even mere entrees, there's nothing coming from her. Realization of one's mortality usually leads to conversions and reconsiderations...but apparently she still views you they way she did when your marriage was falling apart. I can't blame you for keeping your distance, because I know I would.