The Alex Jones' Diaries

[Yorkshire pud]

The contribution below from WTR, gave me an idea. Typed like a diary and everyone can put something in..Even a cursory dip into the world that is Alex Jones should give ideas for some serious hilarious parody. Let the games commence!

Are any of you familiar with the contest in which you try to write a one-page parody of Ernest Hemingway?  It might be fun to have a "Rant Like Jones" contest (with no actual prize, of course).  I'm truly not familiar enough with his work to put forth a meaningful effort, but I suspect some of you might be able to do so.  Or is Jones so far beyond the pale as to be parody-proof?

Sunday:


Woke up, checked under my pillow. Phew, that was close, I dreamed the government had raided my house last night and stolen my special sand that I swallow each day to give me my seductive (to the ladies) gravelly voice..(Note to self- don't forget to write back to Jessie May, currently residing in the institution; but ask her not to sign ff in her own blood. It makes the dogs agitated)


Had breakfast, Jeeze I love fresh eggs.. So pure and a special food; I wonder if we can get a sponsor who deals in eggs to pay for ads? Surely there's a freedom angle there? Need to look into it. After breakfast, a little bit of target practice with darts on a photo of Obama. David Icke called me from England, it's always six hours in front of us, I still don't get that. Discussed him coming on the show next week, if the NWO haven't arrested him (his words) yet; I told him not to be so paranoid..I can't understand the awkward silence after I said that..what is it with those Limeys?


Lunchtime, Boy can I eat! Five burgers topped with cheese and all the trimmings.. Then a main course. Slept this afternoon.


Evening, down to the studio to do the show..Bit of sand swallowed and it's good to go. Interesting selection of callers. One guy argued with me about my views on the police state, so I engaged the debate the best way..I cut him off. I WIN..You hear that sucker? Ha!! They don't mess with Alex.


Bedtime. I'm pooped..Great show tonight..Made sure the phones are still tapped and the mysterious van outside is still keeping an eye on my house..I'm SO dangerous!! Good night Alex..you're the best.

[Sleepwalker]

Monday:

Got up early this morning.  Decided to have pizza rolls for breakfast, a favorite of my good friend George Noory.   As always, my food tester tried one first.  He started screaming and began gulping ice water.  Damned Bilderbergers at it again!

This was not my first skirmish with the Bilderbergers.  In June 2006, on a trip to Canada to cover the Bilderberg meeting, I was detained by Canadian immigration on orders of the Bilderbergs for a 15 hour nightmare of interrogation, accusations and threats of arrest.

Noon

I'm getting hungry.  My food taster is still recovering from the Bilderberger-laced Pizza Rolls.  I don't dare leave the bunker for food because the Feds or the Illuminati may be right outside waiting for me.  Luckily, I have a hundred-year supply of freeze-dried food in the bunker.  Let's see what we've got.  Freeze-dried turkey loaf and broccoli spears.  Sounds good.  I used the water filtration system I bought from John B. Wells to hydrate the turkey loaf and broccoli spears.  Suddenly, security notified me that several men in black suits wearing sunglasses were lurking outside the entrance to the bunker, less than 100 feet above us.

Who could they be?  The Bildebergers?  The Illuminati?  Canadian Immigration officials determined to have a second go at me?  I began sweating profusely and lost my appetite.  Damn! I love freeze-dried turkey loaf and broccoli spears reconstituted with water from  a John B. Wells water filtration system.  But who could eat at a time like this?

[West of the Rockies]

Went to WalMart to pick up some Depends -- I love a good, American product! I was a little startled by the so-called greeter.  Yeah, like some guy just happens to know when I will randomly drop into the store -- clearly a government plant!  More disconcerting still, on the way home the traffic lights kept changing colors, almost like they knew I was coming and wanted me to slow down or stop.  Hell, mama didn't raise no dummies!  I blasted right through those red lights.  I'm not going to give the Black-Ops goons a chance to drag me off to some government FEMA camp so that I can be made to write haiku in celebration of the New World Order! 

Saw that little blonde who works at Starbucks.  Not bad for a reptitilian drone lord wearing a DNA-enhanced human suit.  Wouldn't mind taking an extra shot from that little barrista in my mocha!  Wait... hold on... Noory's texting me again... gotta go....   "What up, Bro?"

[Yorkshire pud]

Son of a gun!!! George has texted to see if I want to go on his show next week to promote my upcoming show with David Icke. He's als mentioned that the three of us might take in some night life down that way too..I'm not sure about that though. The NSA have goons everywhere looking to get us all together in the same place and implicate us in some made up fascist plot.


Woke with a steaming headache!! The van outside! Of course. They're now projecting rays at my bedroom during the small hours to give me a haemorrhage or aneurysm or somesuch. Why can't they leave me alone? I'm a regular guy who has a simple radio show broadcasting to a few million each night with no agenda..what do they want with me? I'll give George a call later and get the details for the show--I hope there's some food laid on, I get hungry.


Lunchtime was uneventful. Just a few dozen waffles and a few cans of Coke..Jeeze I can't let the guys know I'm drinking corporate NWO beverages..They'll go crazy!! Lightbulb moment..What about opening a new studio in Atlanta? I can have it made in a plain can then, and it's so local.


The evening dragged until the 'LIVE' light came up; Apart from a call from Glenn Beck. He asked me to tone it down a bit? What the hell is he talking about? I taught him all he thinks he knows.. Doesn't he know I'm the daddy? I'll run it past the guys when I've calmed down, over having a Glenn Beck special show..a bit of harmless character assassination should bring him into line.


The show was one of the best: I amaze myself..still! I'm so professional, and the guys loove it when I'm always right..They insist it's nothing to do with me actually employing them! I treat yes men with contempt, I guess they sense that.


Sleep was fitful..I hope the death ray isn't turned on tonight.

[Sleepwalker]

 David Icke called again and insisted I come to London for a visit.  I'd really like to  spend some time with a man who shares my intellect and vision for the future.  But how to get there?  I would never make it through JFK and Heathrow.  All manner of government thugs would be there ready to pounce on me. Not to mention the Bildebergers and Illuminati.  They would torture me and imprison me for life.  How to get to London . . . there must be a way.

I've got it.  Richard Hoagland, the greatest scientific mind in history, the man behind hyperdimensional physics, could probably teleport me there.  If I gave him the coordinates of my bunker and David Icke's lair, Hoagland could beam me there almost instantaneously. 

[MV/Liberace!]

4 a.m.
explosive shits
fuck george's turmeric advice

[West of the Rockies]

Not Alex Jones:  I'm digging this thread, but MV, your avatar just makes me sad.  Is that truly some poor human being wandering around like that?  Has he no friends, no family to help him with his britches?  Christ....

[MV/Liberace!]

Not Alex Jones:  I'm digging this thread, but MV, your avatar just makes me sad.  Is that truly some poor human being wandering around like that?  Has he no friends, no family to help him with his britches?  Christ....

as i told frys girl... that's a picture my wife took of me doin' muh tradin' at walmart buyin' muh grits 'n such.


you don't like the color of muh britches?

[West of the Rockies]

WalMart has killer grits!

[coaster]

Friday evening.

Had a good soak in the tub. Called George Noory. He asked me what I was wearing. George thought I was Evelyn Paglini. Said we sounded exactly the same. Awkward!!! Gonna try to figure out a way to blame that on Obama. Reminder: get hair piece re-adjusted. Also, don't forget doc appointment on Monday to get polyps removed from throat.
I love you diary. Toodles. Your BFF, Alex.

[Juan]

Dear Diary,
I find myself really, really wanting one of those hot Filipinas.  That Michelle Malkin is gorgeous.  I don't know why she didn't respond to to my foreplay - surrounding her with a howling mob and yelling at her through a bullhorn.  That's always worked with women in the past.

Perhaps Michelle's past is to blame.  Her grandparents immigrated to the US because they claimed to be freedom fighters against the Japanese in WWII.  We all know that "war" in the Pacific was a false flag operation used by Roosevelt to get more Illuminati into the State Department, where they posed as Communists, and more Bilderbergers into the Treasury Department and Federal Reserve.  Michelle must be here using her charms to recruit. 

She's still hot, though.

[morphiaflow]

Dear Diary,

The aunt of one of the "kidnapping victims" in Cleveland stated in the media that parents need to have their children fingerprinted, answer questions from law enforcement when they knock on their doors, and cooperate with them in any way. I cannot believe that no one understands this entire situation was false-flag from the get-go: clearly these three brothers are high-level patsies and this entire situation was fabricated, carefully over the last ten years, just to get the "aunt" to the point where she would say that, appearing vulnerable, on national media. So that statement by the "aunt" is the culmination of a ten year Illuminati plot. Don't be surprised if the three "women" who were allegedly "kidnapped" and the three "brothers" who did the kidnapping quietly disappear, never to be heard from again--because they never existed in the first place. (Note that they haven't been charged yet despite passing the 36 hour window for them to do so!) And of course they did it in Cleveland, because that's where the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is at--one of the biggest NWO fronts in the world, hiding in plain sight and masking as entertainment.

Also, Jody Arias was just convicted of first degree murder. I've always suspected that Travis was an NWO/Illuminati shill, and this sham-trial has been merely to silence Jody, who clearly sees what WE see and acted heroically. Also, she is really hot and I wouldn't mind acting out some of those things that she talked about in court with her. But that's entirely beside the point. Another agent of truth silenced by Big Brother--right in Big Sis's home state. It stinks to high heaven.

But I need to take my mind off things for a while. I'm off to play Galaga. Sometimes I receive secret messages through the fillings in my teeth from the command ship in the 'game', though I sometimes wonder if they aren't double agents using me in their war against the tiny people living in my salt shaker.

Love always,

Al-X J.

[Yorkshire pud]

Oh man...I was going to write an hour ago but I hadn't yet recovered from a quite monumental dump. The wife said she'd go round to the neighbours. What is wrong with her??  Seriously she's a great woman though. She never complains, never gives me grief. I guess her daily tennis lessons with her coach make up for when I'm not around to do my husbandly duties. Dirk Thrust...The Coach, is a reasonable sorta guy. Too many muscles for my liking, and has that smug look all the time, when he drops by to pick her up to take her to the tennis club..I can't quite figure that out. Maybe he's a schill? I'll give George a call on the encrypted line to get his take on it. As he says; He doesn't make this stuff up. But he might be referring to me, or is it I him? I get sorta confused sometimes..


Before I forget..Why is my wife going to tennis lessons in five inch stilettos and seamed stockings? Is it new fashion? How did I miss that? Maybe all this time she's been an agent for the Illuminati, and not playing tennis after all? Spying on me?


A few months ago she did ask that I pay her more attention, and that she'd do something abut it if I didn't..maybe that's what started the 'tennis' lessons? She joined the 'them'?


I hate knowing this stuff.. I really do. I tell my loyal listeners I get told stuff by brave whistle blowers and most of it is so secret I can't tell myself...But I have to..I just have to.

[Yorkshire pud]

Update on previous entry.


Wife came back from her tennis lesson looking more flushed than usual and some odd rope type marks on her wrists. Apparently Dirk has asked her to be in a tennis tuition film, with his buddy, Studs Ramrod (odd name for a tennis coach?) and another pupil called Jenny Pleasure-Now I ain't that stupid, that can't possibly be a real name! Anyway, the working title (TBC) is Jenny and friends get tied up.. Not sure where the tennis tuition comes in, but I'm sure she knows what she's doing..However, I'm not entirely convinced that 'They' haven't turned her..she isn't making any obvious signs she has, but being vigilant is key here! I can't get George at the moment, I think he's busy with interviews with the brave guests who are getting the truth out there.

[Sleepwalker]

I really need to get out of the bunker.  But how to do it?  As soon as I take the elevator up to the ground floor and step through those reinforced steel doors the Bildebergers, Illuminati, FBI, MI6, FEMA, Homeland Security, Canadian Immigration and RCMP will be there, ready to grab me, imprison me and haul me off to some gulag.  There's no one I can ask for advice because I'm in uncharted waters.  No one in history has ever had my exceptional, almost supernatural intellect and desire to share the truth with the unwashed masses.  What to do?

I've got it.  A disguise.  Something that will conceal not only my face but my magnificent, sculpted body as well.  A clown suit would do it.  White makeup all over my face.  A bright yellow or orange wig.  A baggy suit and huge clown shoes.  Of course!  The stark contrast between my true identity and that of a circus clown is perfect.  No one, not even government thugs or their Illuminati masters would suspect that behind that circus clown disguise is the greatest man in all of recorded history!  It's genius.  Sheer genius! 

The circus is in town this week so one my security personnel should be able to rip one off . . . er, borrow one.  Foolproof!

Damn.  Am I good or what?

[Yorkshire pud]

The 'look' might need a bit of work, but I don't think it's that far from what I'm trying to achieve.. I came downstairs as my wife was leaving for her tennis lesson..she smiled and left without a word..No comment at all..Maybe she's things on her mind?


Anyway; I'll run it by the guys in the studio before going public, but I think this new 'me' has legs.

[morphiaflow]

Ok...this isn't good...I've just discovered a new threat that outweighs everything else put together...it's not just the Illuminati...it's the FRENCH-CANADIAN ILLUMINATI. Even my cheerful and irrepressible spirit may not be able to bear it...

[Meanandnasty]

 Dear Diary,
I am soooo grateful to have met George Noory. He put me, my name on the map along with Austin, Texas.  That Kim John Ill, part of the foreign natural Bilderberger group have even targeted Austin as one of their nuke points.  Austin. . never would we have been suggested to be annihilated if it were not for George Noory.  Got to call him today to see if  me and the family can borrow the bat cave in St. Louis if they nuke the home front.
Then the new World Order will be in place.  I, will be in control of the bat cave and millions and millions of listeners.  Today, Austin, tomorrow the bat cave, and then into eternity it will be Alex Jones Coast to Coast. . a new world order on radio.
The only problem. .how to get to St. Louis.  Maybe heist a Fema van.  Nah, too slow and they are watching me constantly with the drones.  Fly. . Yes, fly, just got to make it through the TSA screen.  Now, there is a women, a former massage therapist, now a TSA agent in the St. Louis international airport that give the most scantilizing  rub downs.  . . Just ask George.  .
Dialing reservations, they are putting my number into an international data base, but gotta move fast. .  Everyone calls me a Mo Fo and Sunday is just that day to celebrate me.  I know they are targeting.. but they will never find me somewhere down below the Earth.
Mo Fo Jones

[Eddie Coyle]

 
         (Shuffles and waves blank pages of paper...I mean "documents")

             "Honey, which one shall I wear today?"
         

[MV/Liberace!]

Pooped muh paynts.

[Yorkshire pud]

Good Morning:


You know me, I never broadcast anything I can't back up with corroborated evidence and at least one witness aged over three years old. I'm torn...yep diary, torn over whether or not to tell the loving throng that is my audience what I know. Stuff has come through from several, two reliable sources regarding the terrible but false flag event not far from me at the fertilizer factory.


I knew then it was, but didn't want to say at the time because after Boston (Which DEFINITELY was ff) I got quite a bit of bad press from the commies, NWO schills and pinko homosexuals. Bryce Reed the paramedic who has been arrested has been traced to previously working for a Mr Howard Johnson; That name might mean nothing to most: it didn't to me until I found out what Mr Johnson's occupation was at the time. He owned a store from which Reed did his paper round aged 13..I'm sure I won't need to fill in the dots with my astute listeners!!! I'll get at least an hour or so feeding in the scenario and carefully build the obvious picture, ooh god yes...I hate knowing this stuff.


My wife came back from her debut film making..She had a strange glazed look on her face and couldn't seem to form words let alone sentences. I asked if I could look over the script (bearing in mind my broadcasting expertise) but she said there hadn't been one, it was all improvised! Wow!! That takes some skill and bravery, doing an entire tennis tuition video with no script! She did mutter something about now being able to afford a new complete wardrobe and pure silk underwear.. She also hinted that the film was in the same field as fifty shades of grey, but much more realistic. Having no idea what fifty shades of grey is, I can only assume the tennis fashion now includes courts painted grey or something..I'll ask her later after she's had a sleep..she did look very tired but strangely elated and I couldn't help notice that her nipples looked incredibly erect through her bra.. I've NEVER seen that before..


Anyway...I ate. went down to the studio, had a revue with the guys before going on air. Butch and Dwayne seemed a bit agitated as they've been getting abuse from Boston folk who really took exception when they both went up their to educate them on the ff bombing. Why do people refuse to be informed? Can't they see we're trying to make them see what they refuse to? I hate knowing this stuff!! 

[Sleepwalker]

Dear Diary:

I am concerned.  There are rumors circulating that John B. Wells may be as big  a douche bag as I am.  I can't tell you how much I resent that.  I have spent all my adult life perfecting the art of douche baggery and to think I may be upstaged by some Frankenstein monster lookalike douche bag wannabe makes me want to puke.

Let me make this perfectly clear.  I am the King of Douche Bags.  It is a scientific fact that I only have two moving parts, my mouth and my rectum and they are interchangeable. 

I'm having a very bad day.

[bigchucka]

Dear Diary

Boy I feel a whole lot better about myself.  Here I was trying to find out more about John B. Wells, and I found the smoking gun.  Apparently, he thinks my cock tastes delicious. Go ahead, Google it.  Don't believe everything I tell you, go look it up.  I do remember a great dream I had while doing the InfoWars Moneybomb, I think he may have found out then.  I'm gonna shut up now and take some calls.  First time callers though. And don't ask me about Reptoids from Planet Pop-Tart.  Man, I love Pop-Tarts.

[pate]

I honestly thought when I first saw a video with this guy on it I was the only one at the back with his hand in the air asking 'What the hell is that?'

Whoa!