George Noory Sucks! - The Definitive Compendium

[Major Ed Damien]

It turns out Otto von escaped to North Carolina via submarine in 1898 and is still there impersonating a doctor.

That kraut bastard is the same one who tried to molest Aunt Bea.

Fortunately, Otis the Drunk cornholed him one night when they were both in jail.

"He tried to cornhole me, but I cornholed him," Otis bragged to Andy.

Andy didn't believe Otis's self-defense claim but was still angry about von Bismarck's crime against Aunt Bea.

It was an early black-and-white episode called "Otis the Drunken Cornholer."

Barney Fife's disastrous toothache cure was the sub-plot for that one.  Thelma Lou rescued him, as usual.

[maureen]

"Professor, as a carpenter, did Jesus ever hit his own finger with a hammer?  I have often hit my own finger with a hammer, and then I will say 'Jeeze!'  What would Jesus have said in that event?  He would not have said his own name loudly, would he?  Does that make any sense?"

Hitting his thumb with a hammer, Jesús bellowed "Noory!!!"

[Who]

Lloyd, President of the Coast Insiders Club, announced that the site for the First Annual Coast Insiders Convention had been selected.  The Coast Insiders would hold their first convention at Harvey's Truckstop and Donuts in Dubuque, Iowa.  Harvey's offered everything they would need for a successful convention in one two-story building.

[NoMoreNoory]

Herod the Great died in 4 BCE.  Jesus of Nazareth was born between 6-4 BCE.  So the timing is about right, I'd say.

You're correct about Herod. My point is that the only census for that period for which there is any historical record was in 6 or 7 AD, so you can link Jesus' birth to one or the other, but not both. As I said, the notion of people travelling to their birthplace for the census is clearly nonsense, but we also know that the censuses (censi?) called in the Roman World applied only to Roman citizens, so would not have involved Joseph at all.


I was just trying to point out that this is a discussion about 'historical evidence', of which there was absolutely nothing on last night.

[maureen]

Touting Paper Gold as an alternative currency for trade or barter-- isn't that against the law?  Maybe the Federales can put him away. Please?

[PB the Deplorable]

You're correct about Herod. My point is that the only census for that period for which there is any historical record was in 6 or 7 AD, so you can link Jesus' birth to one or the other, but not both. As I said, the notion of people travelling to their birthplace for the census is clearly nonsense, but we also know that the censuses (censi?) called in the Roman World applied only to Roman citizens, so would not have involved Joseph at all.


I was just trying to point out that this is a discussion about 'historical evidence', of which there was absolutely nothing on last night.

I was surprised to learn the Gospels/accounts of Jesus time were written decades after the fact, or even by the children of those who experienced them, and there were other accounts that were left out when various writings were pulled together and called 'The Bible'.  Probably from one of Ian's shows.

Point being, memories fade, events get muddled, (hopefully minor) parts of a story are even changed for dramatic effect.  Whether that happened with this or not, I don't know

[Major Ed Damien]

"Professor, the animals in the manger . . . now, were these the same animals that were on Noah's Ark?  Because, as we all know, I don't believe in coincidences.  Give me your take on the same animals theory."

[NoMoreNoory]

I was surprised to learn the Gospels/accounts of Jesus time were written decades after the fact, or even by the children of those who experienced them, and there were other accounts that were left out when various writings were pulled together and called 'The Bible'.  Probably from one of Ian's shows.

Point being, memories fade, events get muddled, (hopefully minor) parts of a story are even changed for dramatic effect.  Whether that happened with this or not, I don't know

They are very, very compromised documents from any literary viewpoint, to say the very least. Certainly elements like the nativity and resurrection are later additions, while the whole notion of the virgin birth, for example, rests on a misunderstanding of the Greek word 'kore' which only means 'young woman'. They exist in thousands of fragments in multiple languages, and there were originally up to 30 'gospels'. I think it was an early Bishop who decided there should be four, because he liked the number: four winds, cardinal points, elements, etc. And myriad 'folk' versions. One I always liked had young Jesus sliding down sunbeams, encouraging his pals to have a go, then casting a cloud across the sun and laughing when they fell to the ground. Now him I could follow.


Point is, we're in mythological, symbolic territory and I'm very happy with that. It's when people start insisting to me that it's all real that I'll go and take my seat next to Clarence Darrow.

[Major Ed Damien]

"Professor, I've always been curious about the Virgin Mary.  Now, was Joseph amazed that she became pregnant in her virgin status?  I don't like to get too racy on my program, but -- after they were married -- did she have leg cramps from having to hold them together . . . all the time?"

[Major Ed Damien]

"Professor, I've always been a Christian, but I have often found myself wondering -- along with many of my listeners -- whether Jesus  . . . . and Bigfoot, for that matter . . . are ET's who may have appeared here on earth via their own portals.  Give me your whole take on portal belief systems."

[albrecht]

Isn't the current theory that the virgin birth was simply an artificial insemination (by the Anunnaki over-lords inserting their "god" DNA into human DNA,) the various stars and angels were UFOs, and the miracles performed were due to the higher intelligence caused by the 1/2 blood-line of the Anunnaki- insert quote by Clarke "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic"- here? And the whole money-lender and the temple thing was because the alien, Anunnaki, want all of our gold. All issues solved in two minutes.
-GNS

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

I was surprised to learn the Gospels/accounts of Jesus time were written decades after the fact, or even by the children of those who experienced them, and there were other accounts that were left out when various writings were pulled together and called 'The Bible'.  Probably from one of Ian's shows.

Point being, memories fade, events get muddled, (hopefully minor) parts of a story are even changed for dramatic effect.  Whether that happened with this or not, I don't know

Not to mention the other three evangelistic gospels seemed to be working off the gospel of Mark, who gave a pretty straightforward account of Jesus without the birth story or resurrection.  Those may have been added by the later authors to fulfill prophesy.  I always find it odd when those such as the guest last night or the local JW are amazed that all the different authors of the bible were 'inspired' to write about similar events when indeed they were all working off of each other based on traditions they were brought up in from birth.

[albrecht]

Not to mention the other three evangelistic gospels seemed to be working off the gospel of Mark, who gave a pretty straightforward account of Jesus without the birth story or resurrection.  Those may have been added by the later authors to fulfill prophesy.  I always find it odd when those such as the guest last night or the local JW are amazed that all the different authors of the bible were 'inspired' to write about similar events when indeed they were all working off of each other based on traditions they were brought up in from birth.

Then again look at your news. Same stories different reporting but you REALLY need to be suspect when you see all the networks almost word-for-word report on a story. Then you must alert yourself to a corporate or government press-release.

Also witnesses, whether to a "gentle giant's" killing, simply a car accident, or even to historical events are notoriously unreliable. The complaints about "differences" in the Gospel accounts, to me, are ridiculous as they were written by men. If anything the similarities and small differences (and when scrolls, codices, etc are still being found now agree mainly with the other copies) would point to more credibility. If they agreed with each other perfectly, like carbon-copies, it would be more suspect to me. To use another example, when a crime scene seems "too perfect" and the spouse has a perfect story and perfect recall about the dead wife. Honest people make mistakes in memory, in retelling, under stress, etc.
-GNS

[Major Ed Damien]

Professor, I'm a Christian but I don't know if there is a Jesus or a God.  I think everything is just kinda spiritual and connected to what I call the wireless internet.  Do most Christians believe in Jesus and if so do they believe in God?  I think Islam should be nuked because they believe in Allah unlike Christians like me.

Still laughing at this one.  You were really channeling his dumb ass right there.

[Heather Wade]

Still laughing at this one.  You were really channeling his dumb ass right there.

Me too.  Be careful not to go full-retard channeling the Nooron, though, GFP.   

[albrecht]

Me too.  Be careful not to go full-retard channeling the Nooron, though, GFP.   

It is a very dangerous, and serious, potential situation. I think it is strongly being considered for the next version of the DSM. The provisional discussion of the mental condition, being currently debated by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders committee, is whether the "disbelief in coincidences" should be considered its own condition itself, or, as current consensus holds, it should be left under the general "thinking like Norry" syndrome of which the most prominent condition being when one constantly obsesses if babies are "mean." There also is quite a lot of debate currently is whether speaking with a mushmouth, and often garbling simple words, are of a psycho-somatic causation or is caused by a physical brain lesion or anomaly. The debate is very heated as MRI data, brain-scans, are being evaluated and behaviorists debate the child-rearing of the afflicted individuals. The Freudians, and a conspicuous number of renegade "experts and self-described "researchers", are blaming condition on alien implants or potty-training "issues."
-GNS
 

[Major Ed Damien]

"Professor, what drives your passion of the Christ?  Also, what is your favorite miracle?  Is it the episode when Lazarus became a zombie?"

[ItsOver]

Angels in Our Lives
Wed 12-24
Rosemary Ellen Guiley is a leading expert in the metaphysical and paranormal fields. Celebrate your Christmas Eve with Rosemary and George as they discuss angels, their origins, and how we communicate with them. Rosemary will also talk about why we need angels in our lives. Followed by Open Lines in the second half.



Merry Christmas!

[Who]

Angels in Our Lives
Wed 12-24
Rosemary Ellen Guiley is a leading expert in the metaphysical and paranormal fields. Celebrate your Christmas Eve with Rosemary and George as they discuss angels, their origins, and how we communicate with them. Rosemary will also talk about why we need angels in our lives. Followed by Open Lines in the second half.

Merry Christmas!

George will turn this angelic Christmas show into a discussion about demons and evil so fast it'll make Rosemary Ellen Ghoulie's head spin.

George:  Rosemary, did you hear the story about the schoolbus full of children who got hit by a speeding freight train?  And how their sad little earth-bound ghosts show up to push stalled cars off the tracks?  Did you ever hear that one, Rosemary?  What do you think was going through their minds as they sat on that stalled school bus and saw the speeding train bearing down on them?  What do you think they experienced in those last seconds?

Rosemary:  Ummmm . . .

George: I believe in angels.  Tommy is an angel.  But what about demons?  And evil?  The last gas station turkey sandwich I bought was stale.  And they're usually really good.  Do you think demons ruined my sandwich?  As you know, I don't believe in coincidences. It had to have been demons, don't you think so, Rosemary?  Rosemary?  Are  you still there Rosemary?

[Catsmile]

They are very, very compromised documents from any literary viewpoint, to say the very least. Certainly elements like the nativity and resurrection are later additions, while the whole notion of the virgin birth, for example, rests on a misunderstanding of the Greek word 'kore' which only means 'young woman'. They exist in thousands of fragments in multiple languages, and there were originally up to 30 'gospels'. I think it was an early Bishop who decided there should be four, because he liked the number: four winds, cardinal points, elements, etc. And myriad 'folk' versions. One I always liked had young Jesus sliding down sunbeams, encouraging his pals to have a go, then casting a cloud across the sun and laughing when they fell to the ground. Now him I could follow.


Point is, we're in mythological, symbolic territory and I'm very happy with that. It's when people start insisting to me that it's all real that I'll go and take my seat next to Clarence Darrow.

You know thatz blasphemy and you'll go to hell for that, right?

[Major Ed Damien]

George Noory's Weird/Crazy Catechism:



"I'm spiritual but not religious."

"I'm missing hair, but I wear a bad wig."

"I'm not young, but I keep a dyed 'stache.

"I always mention Amazon books, but I'm not a reader.'

"I don't believe in coincidences, yet I'm sane."

"I avoid 'Debbie Downers,' but I embrace impending disasters and paranoia."

[MikeJ]

George will turn this angelic Christmas show into a discussion about demons and evil so fast it'll make Rosemary Ellen Ghoulie's head spin.

George:  Rosemary, did you hear the story about the schoolbus full of children who got hit by a speeding freight train?  And how their sad little earth-bound ghosts show up to push stalled cars off the tracks?  Did you ever hear that one, Rosemary?  What do you think was going through their minds as they sat on that stalled school bus and saw the speeding train bearing down on them?  What do you think they experienced in those last seconds?

Rosemary:  Ummmm . . .

George: I believe in angels.  Tommy is an angel.  But what about demons?  And evil?  The last gas station turkey sandwich I bought was stale.  And they're usually really good.  Do you think demons ruined my sandwich?  As you know, I don't believe in coincidences. It had to have been demons, don't you think so, Rosemary?  Rosemary?  Are  you still there Rosemary?

OMG this had me laughing out lout for a good 5 minutes.  My dog thought I was having a stroke.  I had forgotten how funny and creative haters are.  Merry Christmas!

[NoMoreNoory]

Angels in Our Lives
Wed 12-24
Rosemary Ellen Guiley is a leading expert in the metaphysical and paranormal fields. Celebrate your Christmas Eve with Rosemary and George as they discuss angels, their origins, and how we communicate with them. Rosemary will also talk about why we need angels in our lives. Followed by Open Lines in the second half.



Merry Christmas!

And being Xmas Eve, we know what else we have to look forward to. Joorch alluded to it last night with a caller from 'Alaska…..the North Pole….we may be going back there tomorrow'

[ItsOver]

If Jorch has angels at bat tonight, can portals be far behind in his 3x5 index card batting order?  Maybe Rosemary will talk tonight about how she got an angel to write Jorch's books for him. 

[Major Ed Damien]

"Professor, what about the 666 things we may not be aware about?  There could be 666 turkey sandwich crumbs in my house right now.  We just don't know.  But I do believe in the evil of that particular digit."

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

Still laughing at this one.  You were really channeling his dumb ass right there.

Not one of my prouder moments.

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

I sometimes wonder if in 2000 years we'll be worshiping Gandalf the Grey because there were so many detailed stories and histories about elves and orcs which all seemed to agree with each other.

[Major Ed Damien]

George:  "Professor, 'God' spelled backwards is 'dog.'  And sometimes dogs get smelly ears.  Now, as we all know, I don't believe in coincidences."

Professor:  "I'm not really following you here."

George:  "Let's go to the phones.  Travis is tow-truck driving in Alabama."

[albrecht]

an early Christmas gift for George, the guest, and the hapless listeners last night. A frequent caller, the great "Annie from Alabama," actually had a, somewhat, germane to the show and a real question for the guest!
-GNS

[PB the Deplorable]

How The Snorge Stole Coast...

Every Who
Up in Who-ville
Liked the Coast show a lot...
But the Snorge,
Who lived somewhere down in a Cave,
Did NOT!

The Snorge hated Coast! The whole Art Bell show!
Now, please don't ask why â€" even he doesn't know
It could be his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His brain or his shoes,
He stood in his Cave, hating the Who’s,
Staring up from his Hole with a sour, Snorgy frown,
At the warm lighted windows above in their town.
For he knew every Who up in Who-ville
Was busy now, waiting for Art's show to come on.

"They’re turning it on!" he snarled with a sneer.
"It’s almost 10! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Snorge fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep it from coming!"
For, precisely at 10, he knew...

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE SNORGE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Snorge laughed in his throat.
As he quickly put on a black t-shirt and coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, and said with a start!
"With his mic and his throne, I'll be just like ol’ Art!"

"I do need a career..."
The Snorge had checked ‘round.
Good hosts are scarce, there were few to be found.
Did that stop the old Snorge...?
No! The Snorge simply said,
"If I can't make a career, I'll take one instead!"
So he called his friend Tom. “Let’s load up the sled,
Out to Hollywood, ‘tis there we will head”.

THEN
He loaded his bags
Borrowed money from mom.
To a ramshackle sleigh,
He hitched up fat Tom.

The Snorge said, "Giddy-up!",
And the sleigh started off,
While the Who’s lay a-snooze in their lofts.

On the way, the Snorge spoke slowly to Tommy.
“It’ll be rough my boy, I know I’ll miss mommy.”
But “we’ll do it” he cried,
“Soon those Who’s will learn their show has now died.
We’ll dumb it down, one day after another,
We’ll sicken the Who’s, soon they won’t bother”

“We’ll program lame guests, then listen not a word.
I’ll sit while they're talking, polishing a turd.
I’ll interrupt, mispronounce, and say stupid stuff.
When they call to complain, you can tell ‘em ”That’s Tough!””

As the Snorge thought it through, he chuckled with delight,
“We’ll get the worst guests. It wouldn’t be right,
To steal Art’s show, then not turn it to Blight.

All those Who’s out there will have to give up the fight,
And find something else they can do every night.
Just what can they do when we Suck?
They’ll bitch and complain, and we won’t give a F___”

... And so it was done, the Snorge took Art’s place,
And all over the website, the Snorge plastered his face…