If a "Noorie" was in the Monster Manual...

[zeebo]

Norries are devious tricksters.  They like to play a game called "What's behind the Secret Door?"  If you play though, you're likely to encounter a "Raving Hoagland", who'll hit you with a mental attack of illogical claims for 19.5 hit points.

[21st Century Man]

His alignment would be chaotic neutral.  He tends to repel the evil and the good.  He drains energy as he is actually a psychic vampire.  One must be wary when defecating because the Noorie tends to manifest from fresh excrement.  A most powerful weapon against the Noorie is the song Ben.

[pate]

...attack of illogical claims for 19.5 hit points. ...

C'mon, we can't model that universe?  A three-dee-ten roll, I am Not Sure, butt still Shirley I've asper d10 around...

[MV/Liberace!]

The "Noorie" is able to make asteroids fall on his enemies, and they're smart asteroids that know which side of the planet to crash into.

[pate]

Indeed...

Spock - Fascinating!

[zeebo]

Noories seldom leave their broadcasting caves, but sometimes can be found lingering around convenience store sammich bins.  They may attempt to cast a "How are yeewww?" spell, after which you may be drawn into conversation, resulting in a -5 hit point brain drain lasting 24 hrs.  However they are often transfixed by Archie's comics, or if an oldies song comes over the store radio, in which case you may be able to avoid the encounter.

[basswood]

a "How are yeewww?" spell

[onan]

Noorse isn't a monster. He is what a monster's bowel movement looks like.

[BobGrau]

Noorse isn't a monster. He is what a monster's bowel movement looks like.

Noorie is the Jenkem of talk radio.

[GeorgieForPresident2216]

When he goes into battle, he comes back from break without listening to the battle plan and yells "Geeeeooooorrrrge Noooooooooorrrrrryyy!" while running into the fray and getting the Tommy, Dan Galanti, and Lisa Lyon monsters killed.

[zeebo]

When a Noorie runs out of turkee sammiches n' pizza rolls, he may start wailing "Help me .... I'm winding down!"  But don't fall for it and feed him a snack!  As soon as he's got energy back he'll put a sleeping curse on you by rattling on about his favorite Twilight Zone episodes and life back at his "horse farm" and his favorite Rat Pack story, etc.  until you fall unconscious ... at which point he'll munch on your brains all the way up the escalator ride to his volcano lair.

[basswood]

Maybe as a cantrip, he can summon the ghost of his old friend Jimmy Hoffa to fight for him. (He doesn't like to talk about it a lot so you may have never heard him mention it but he "knew" Jimmy Hoffa. He's kind of humble about his famous friends. No. Really...)

[pate]

Maybe as a cantrip, he can summon the ghost of his old friend Jimmy Hoffa to fight for him. (He doesn't like to talk about it a lot so you may have never heard him mention it but he "knew" Jimmy Hoffa. He's kind of humble about his famous friends. No. Really...)

I don't know if the Norrie posseses the minimum intelligence required to use cantrips.  Perhaps whichever cantrip or spell it is would be a natural ability instead...

[basswood]

I don't know if the Norrie posseses the minimum intelligence required to use cantrips.  Perhaps whichever cantrip or spell it is would be a natural ability instead...

Noted. Maybe it's a skill from the Path of the Broadcaster sub-class he chose.

[Evil Twin Of Zen]

So I am creating a new monster for my kids to encounter in their Dungeons & Dragons game and thought that a "Noorie" would be a particularly foul beast. I've got a few thoughts already (e.g. It has bottomed out scores in Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma, has at least two faces, makes use of portals, can cast a hypnotizing gibberish spell, etc.) but I wonder if the mad creative minds here at bellgab might have some ideas about his characteristics, powers, and abilities. Even if you don't have knowledge of the game, it should still be an entertaining brainstorm. I may also have to add some separate descriptions of his sycophantic servants such as the Chuuch. I'll draw up a picture when it's done.

nah... the Noorie needs to be a high level NPC in Paranoia. with extra stats in boot licking.

[pate]

Noted. Maybe it's a skill from the Path of the Broadcaster sub-class he chose.

The Norrie epitomizes the term "sub-class"

[Nick el Ass]

Wow, I happen to own a rare speshul edition of the Fiend Folio, I was curious and flipped through it to discover this:

[attachimg=1]

I apologize if the picture is not quite viewable, especially the half-stache in the picture.  It was rather difficult to get it to scan clearly... What a coinicidence!

Happy gaming!

That is the best thing I have ever seen.

[zeebo]

That is the best thing I have ever seen.

I so totally want someone to actually use this in a D&D campaign.  If anyone hears of such a thing please report back!

[basswood]

I got a little heavy with the pencil and lost some of the "Daveness" but it's not worth doing over, so here's the creature as he will appear in the campaign for the kids. Thanks for the ideas 

[attachimg=1]

For those interested in the game, it's designed for 5th Edition D&D, 12th Level Adventure. For those not so interested, you can ignore the stat blocks at the end.

The Noorie originates from the rarely visited para-Elemental plane of Ooze, a corridor between the inner planes of Water and Earth. Created through the experiments of a mad wizard, the Noorie was considered a failure and left to rot. But the Noorie proved to be resourceful and managed to find sustenance in the droppings of those who came before him. Over time, he came to attract followers –dregs of the Material Plane that provided him with the filth he needed to survive. He and his followers , commonly known as "Insiders" (use the Thug's statistics in the Monster Manual) roam the marshes and fens of the Material Plane looking for anyone they can leech onto or steal from and anyone that will feed his insatiable hunger for praise, no matter how false.

The Noorie's body is a horrifying blob of pustules and veins concealing a gelatinous pyramid, inside of which can be seen dozens of dead mean babies (which his body produces, see below) as well as non-organic objects left over from unfortunate souls he's recently encountered. His entire body appears to be in a perpetual state of melting and the drippings that fall to the ground coalesce and slide quicksilver-like to reform back onto the Noorie's body. He has four useless non-muscular legs that shift positions randomly as he moves and two pseudopods with which he is capable of grasping objects and attacking. The smell of the Noorie is repulsively pervasive and precedes his presence by 300', even upwind. Every creature within the smell radius of the Noorie must make a Constitution save of 13 every four rounds or suffer disadvantage on all rolls due to nausea.

In the center of the Noorie's body lies a small portal. Any creature unfortunate enough to be absorbed by the Noorie must make a Dexterity save of 10 every four turns while grappled or be transported to a random Elemental Plane.

The most remarkable aspect of the Noorie is his two-facedness. Over the years, he's developed a second usable head which he uses to speak incessant lies when it isn't spending it's time admiring itself. One of the Noorie's pseudopods is often engaged with holding a mirror up to this second head. The primary head of the Noorie is covered in a pitch black Toupee of Smothering which has angel's wings and can attack on its own initiative when the Noorie is provoked. His mustache is capable of detaching itself and flying great distances to deliver messages. See below.

The Noorie is a great coward and will seek to compromise or flee from a battle in which the outcome appears uncertain. His Insiders are left to suffer the consequences. During a détente or when he is at a disadvantage, he will feign friendship to draw his prey in closer and as soon as opportunity arises, he or his Insiders will strike. The Noorie is genuinely susceptible to flattery and accepting of tribute (especially the herbs carnivora and turmeric).

Besides the non-organic items floating within him, the Noorie's treasure is comprised mainly of his horde of books (10d20) he keeps in his lair, all of them unread and therefore in mint condition. Most are picture books and essentially worthless but there is a 5% chance that one of them will be of some value. The Noorie keeps books to feed his vanity, so as to fool the unsuspecting that he is a creature of great intellect. Several times a year, he also distributes large portions of his collection to sycophants he deems most deserving (usually after having them make fools of themselves before him, while singing a song or performing a silly dance). The Noorie lair is always located in a dark and damp cave situated in warm climates.

The Noorie's speech is slurred and he is incapable of communicating a clear thought so conversations with the Noorie that ask for more than a few seconds of his attention or require any extended reasoning tend to be one-sided. Despite this, he is still able to mentally summon up to 4 different types of oozes (of his choosing) through his portal to fight for him per day. He can also send a distress song out that attracts all Insiders within a 1 mile radius.

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Hit Points: 180 (20d10 +80)  Alignment: Neutral Evil

Armor Class: 6  Speed: 15'  Size: Huge (15')  Languages: Common  Initiative: -4

STR: 14 (+2) DEX: 3(-4) CON: 26 (+8) INT: 3 (-4) WIS: 3 (-4) CHA: 1 (-5)

Condition Immunities: Blinded, Charmed, Deafened, Exhaustion, Prone

Damage Immunities: Psionic, Psychic, Acid, Cold, Fire

Damage Resistance: Slashing, Piercing

Damage Susceptibilities: Electricity, Magic

Senses: 60' vibration sense, Passive Perception 8

Spell DC: 8  Spell Attack Modifier: INT

Challenge Rating: 12 (XP 8,400)

Ooze Ability:
Other creatures may enter the Noorie's space but are subject to his "Engulf" and have disadvantage on the saving throw.  Creatures inside the Noorie can be seen but have total cover. The Noorie can hold one large creature or 6 medium or smaller creatures inside of him at a time. A creature within 5' of the Noorie can take an action to pull a creature or object out of him. Doing so requires a successful DC 15 Strength check, and the creature making the attempt takes 5d6 acid damage.

Actions: The Noorie is capable of two attacks per round and either a movement to engulf or cast one Magic Spell listed below.

Pseudopod: Melee weapon attack, +6 to hit, reach 10', Hit: 4d6 Acid damage plus 4d6 Bludgeoning

Dead Mean Baby: The Noorie produces bloated acid-filled tumors within his body that resemble deceased scowling babies. He throws them with his pseudopod as a giant throws boulders. He carries 12 of them at a time within him and can access them immediately, producing a new one every 2 hours. Ranged 40'/60', +8 to hit, Hit: 3d10 +5 Bludgeoning +1d6 Acid damage

Innate Spellcasting:
Grease, Enthrall, Poison Spray (from his mouth): Range 15', Constitution save of DC 8 or suffer 3d12 Poison damage; Conjure Ooze: 4 times per day; Summon Insiders: All allies of the Noorie within a 1 mile radius will respond at their speed and fight

Engulf: When the Noorie moves into another creature's space, they must make a DC 12 saving throw. On a successful save, the creature is pushed 5' away. On a fail, the creature will take 6d6 Acid damage. The engulfed creature can't breathe, is restrained, and takes 6d6 Acid damage at the start of each of the Noorie's turns. When the Noorie moves, the engulfed creature moves with it. An engulfed creature can try to escape by taking an action to make a DC 12 Strength check, Upon success, the creature escapes and enters a space of its choice within 5' of the Noorie.

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Toupee of Smothering

Armor Class: 12  Hit Points: 33  Speed: Fly 50'  Size: Medium  Initiative: +2

STR:17 (+3)  DEX: 14 (+2)  CON: 10 (+0)  INT: 3 (-4)  WIS: 3 (-4)  CHA: 1 (-5)

Damage Immunities: Poison, Psychic, Acid, Cold, Fire

Condition Immunities: Blinded, Charmed, Deafened, Frightened, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned, Exhaustion, Prone

Senses: Blindsight 60', Passive Perception 6

Challenge Rating: 2 (450 XP)

Damage Transfer: While it is grappling a creature, the toupee takes only half the damage dealt to it, the grappled creature taking the other half.

Actions:
Smother: Melee Weapon Attack +5 to hit, reach 5'. Hit: The creature is grappled (escape DC 13). Until the grapple ends, the target is restrained, blinded, and at risk of suffocating, and the toupee can't smother another target. In addition, at the start of each of the target's turns, the target takes 2d6 +3 bludgeoning damage and 1d6 Acid damage.

[zeebo]

Basswood this is totally classic, lol.  My two favorite details:

The Noorie is genuinely susceptible to flattery and accepting of tribute (especially the herbs carnivora and turmeric).

The primary head of the Noorie is covered in a pitch black Toupee of Smothering which has angel’s wings and can attack on its own initiative when the Noorie is provoked. His mustache is capable of detaching itself and flying great distances to deliver messages.

[basswood]

Basswood this is totally classic, lol.  My two favorite details:

Thanks. I figured since my kids really have no idea who Dave is, I could make it just as much for my own enjoyment.

[pate]

I got a little heavy with the pencil and lost some of the "Daveness" but it's not worth doing over...

I rolled a 'natural' 01 on a 2d10.

Not Sure, if I should xcel-brains or just DaveBi=it?

What is the roll for that?

edit: (you should tighten up the descript)  titan?

[21st Century Man]

5 stars, basswood.

[popple]

NIGHTMARES!!!! 

[basswood]

5 stars, basswood.

All the credit goes to bellgab. And maybe Dave 

[WOTR]

Knowing almost nothing about D&D I have to wonder if there is a way to have the creature cause a loss of sanity the longer it takes to defeat it?

[basswood]

Knowing almost nothing about D&D I have to wonder if there is a way to have the creature cause a loss of sanity the longer it takes to defeat it?

That's actually a pretty good idea. After reading what I typed up last night, I realized I forgot a few things like that. After all though, there are SO MANY things about Dave...

[MV/Liberace!]

Knowing almost nothing about D&D I have to wonder if there is a way to have the creature cause a loss of sanity the longer it takes to defeat it?

heh heh

[wr250]

Knowing almost nothing about D&D I have to wonder if there is a way to have the creature cause a loss of sanity the longer it takes to defeat it?

you have to eat flaming pizza roles to keep your sanity.

[Camazotz Automat]

I got a little heavy with the pencil and lost some of the "Daveness" but it's not worth doing over, so ....

... the target takes 2d6 +3 bludgeoning damage and 1d6 Acid damage.

Without question, an absolutely outstanding post.

If there were a high temple Hall of Fame for the site, this post should greet all supplicants as they paused in contemplation in the narthex, each member nervously cupping his/her own pair of lime green Zocchihedrons.